Why does no one talk about how hard it is leaving the “good guy”

[CJCW17]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years, we have a 5 year old, for the last year things haven’t been great.
He’s a great father and for all intents and purposes he’s a good guy, but for the last few years he has become less and less present, He became less tolerant of normal day to day things, work was awful for him, he would tell me how he just wanted to be able to be alone, so I would arrange to have the house empty but that day alone would never be long enough, I would come home and have comments like “I hate that because I was enjoying myself the day has gone too quickly” “I wish you would leave me alone more often”. Our kiddo was in full time childcare so he would only need to actively “parent” at the weekends and it would be too much for him. Last summer things came to a head when he said the thought of going into work made him suicidal. I immediately told him to get signed off, if he didn’t want to go back I would find a way to financially support us until he found something more appropriate, I helped him contact his doctors, referred him to therapy, I was his point of contact for work as the anxiety was too much for him, I then started paying for him to go to college so he could retrain and I asked him to start looking for part time work to help fund this, he didn’t really look, I would apply for things for him but he would conveniently miss the callback, or forget to email them something so everything was a non starter. One of the things I asked was that if I was going to be working 2 jobs so he didn’t have to have one is that he just picked up extra chores around the house, I don’t want to be coming home to a house that’s awful when I’m working 7 days a week.
This did not happen, when ever I had a day of annual leave I would be sorting out everything. I sort all the bills, all childcare is arranged by me, anything to do with school is me, anything for our son is planned through me:. It basically came to a point where I was mothering him, but he still wanted to be intimate, I really struggled with this - you want me to look after you like parent does but at the end of the day have sex with you? No. I’ve mentioned this to him, and nothing has changed, I don’t know what to do. He’s a kind guy and a great dad, he’s depressed so I can’t actively blame him and I look awful if I do but I am burning out and I’m burning out fast. I have no desire around him; I feel the ick when he wants to cuddle or hold hands. I don’t know what My point is I guess, I more just want to know am I being unreasonable? I want to support him but do I do it at detriment to myself? What do I do?

Honestly most men are seen to be the good guy especially when they split up from there partners I had no end of people drop me as a friend because I split from my ex husband one asked me why we split I said well he was arrested for sexual assault on a minor child so what did you expect me to do I was totally baffled by it all! 8 years later I have less friends than I once did but they were clearly friends I could live without

He’s not a good guy. It’s irrelevant if other people see him that way. They don’t have to live with him.

OP,

Get those qualifications and get planning so that in 6 months you are ready.

He is a parasitic waster.

You sound like a great woman who has had a very tough life.

You deserve better.

@CJCW17, I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood. I think you should try to get some counselling for this as it obviously is still affecting you ( no wonder). It's keeping you with this excuse for a man for starters.
You sound like an absolute warrior. Your life can be so much better.

He's not a good guy.

He's using you ... 'keep paying the bills, keep doing all the work, and try not to be at home so I can be by myself and do what I want' says he

Listen to him! He's taking the piss!

It’s funny because I spend so much time wondering if I’m narcissistic because of this, like am I the trash person for having expectations? I don’t know.

No, no, no, no! You sound really kind, compassionate, thoughtful and sensible.

But you're in a "boiling frog" situation. Put a frog into already boiling water, and it hops straight out.

But put a frog in cold water, and gradually bring that water to boiling point, and the frog dies ...

Writing it all down, and then reading everyone's responses must be a bit of a shock. Take your time @CJCW17 to digest all of the comments.

Good luck

This exact scenario happened with me exactly how you describe it and you know how the cheeky fucker we paid me, by having an affair with somebody else so I was literally working full time doing all the parenting all the house work literally everything the thanks I got with him to shag some Trollope that he met in Tescos.
When it all came out in the wash he resented me for helping him because that’s not how he wanted to be perceived in his mind as being somebody he needed help and certainly not by the woman that he’s fucking. So in trollops mind she could be picked up by him in the BMW that I pay for and be a superhero.

@Bringsexyback, you're well shot ! Hope you're in a good place today.

[quote Lemonweightloss]@Bringsexyback, you're well shot ! Hope you're in a good place today. [/quote]
100% … thank you yes.

I Do think that something that the OP needs to be really careful about though he’s in a low place and yeah that was the quickest pick me up that my ex could get, its actually farcical when I look back on it I was ironing his shirts to go to “job interviews” and he was booking hotel rooms with my credit card to take her to. But it was all down to him suffering with incredibly low self-esteem due to being depressed.

So @CJCW17 you have a six month window to tackle some things before you complete your studies?

Being practical, I suggest that you get in the booking list for Relate now as it may take some time for an initial assessment meeting to come up. If the appt comes up & he demurs, then go for yourself to explore how you got to this stage of your life - Relate is about relationships, not just couples.

Also, draw up a schedule of what needs doing : divvy up tasks & make sure that his share can be done as & when he can with the expectation that he does one task per day…no more. This is the first stage. Get this started with a reasonable daily task. Don’t question or argue when he doesn’t do it or doesn’t do it perfectly, you are not his mummy. If he doesn’t do it, so be it the task is not done & you don’t do it. If his depression is so overwhelming that this relatively small demand is too much then this is another indicator for going back to the GP.

Recovery from depression does not come to the door, it can involve undertaking small daily tasks - just one a day at first - to make progress.
First get out bed. Then do task…

Ring the GP as the patient’s wife & IN CONFIDENCE share your concern that he is not progressing on the current meds AND that although he has agreed to consult further with GP he cannot/will not do so. Also that he seems not to have picked up on the therapy referral. Make sure that you say that his inability to tackle & take responsibility for his own condition & recovery is having a detrimental effect on the family & your health. State that you are at the point where this call to the GP is the last thing that you can do. No more. Any more for him & you will loose your self. Say how much you are doing for him.

The GP will maintain patient confidentiality & that does not bar or exclude taking account of your concerns. If you share the same GP, then still ring to voice your concerns.

GP may instigate a review of his prescription - as is/was usual for repeat prescriptions &/or invite him in to discuss his progress. If he has an illness, he needs to get better or get his finger out as he has a life to live & adult responsibilities.

So, in the past even when he is fully engaged with work, tasks & childcare, you would still be spinning plates behind the scenes? This is something to do with you asking for what you need rather than just settling for some love, & learning not to fix folk - you can work on that with Relate if you go on your own. You already have insight into your family dynamics & with some specific therapy for you about how your past is echoing through your family life now, you may make great strides.

For the next six months you can work on putting yourself first, it takes some practice. By the time your studies are over & you have made some changes by doing some things differently (e.g. not fixing, letting go of tasks, easing up on perfectionism) then if your OH is with you, you may have a better idea of where you are as a couple & where to go next.

Put your self first.

👍 @LaChanticleer

[quote Lemonweightloss]@CJCW17, I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood. I think you should try to get some counselling for this as it obviously is still affecting you ( no wonder). It's keeping you with this excuse for a man for starters.
You sound like an absolute warrior. Your life can be so much better.[/quote]
So much good advice from PP, but this one is outstanding.

You're currently unaware of how strong, resilient & capable you are.
That's because you are ground down with exhaustion, resentment & confusion (am i the narcissist indeed!!! - SPOILER - nope!).

This 6 months training deadline is a great marking point for you.
As is your advice to OH that he has a week to start taking positive action to manage his own wellbeing & step up around the house at least. I loved how you wrote that organising/paying for the CSCS course can be the last thing that you facilitate for him. He has access to all the recovery tools he needs to get back on track - but it's now 100% up to him to pick them up & start using them.

Meanwhile, you can quietly watch & wait, work on your own people-pleasing & recognising how detrimental it is to you (sorry - no judgement - totally understandable, & been there done that ...). Making your plans, assessing whether you will move, gaining your qualifications, & accessing counselling.

PP's recommendation to Relate is a good one. Whether you go as a couple or solo ... although I would like you to have a proper think about how beneficial it would be for you to go solo. I'm concerned that couples counselling would just be more endless accommodation from you, all about him, his problems, his wants, & your needs would continue to be neglected in a couples process.
So if you do go the couples route, stay on high alert, because your counsellor will need to be experienced & red-hot alert to manipulation & triangulation from OH - & not all of them are.

I hope you keep posting, even 6 months ahead, to update about your professional qualification. You have a whole life ahead of you, & ample skills to make it fulfilling, healthy & happy.
If you need to ditch Mr I'll-Kill-Myself-If-I-Have-To-Work-So-It's-Utterly-Reasonable-To-Make-You-Work-2-Jobs-&-Do-Everything-Else-Too to get there ... so be it.

@SirChenjins

He’s not a good guy at all. In fact, he sounds like my dad who spent his entire life making it clear that we were just an irritation, that he wanted to be on his own with his depression that he didn’t get help for, that he hated work (and where we lived, and my mum wanting to see her family or have friends, and our friends being in the house and on and on and on…). Honestly, get out now and give yourself (and your DD) a chance of happiness without him dragging you down for the rest of your life - which is what will happen.

@SirChenjins your post has stayed with me all day. Your father sounds a lot like my DP. I've let so much go, afraid to stand up for myself. But I am starting to really worry about what it is teaching our DCs and how it is making them feel.

Today I got up with them at 6am (we sleep separately) and when DC1 went to ask him something at 9 we all got a lecture about how abruptly waking him makes him tired and unwell all day. He spent the morning on his own with coffee like a zombie. When he got hungry at lunchtime, he just saw to himself as always. I have no idea why he is like this. I'm afraid to confront it. It just feels he's missing out on precious time with his children - why should any of us put up with that? - and I don't know why he can't see it.

Sorry to derail.

Thank you for all your comments.

I feel a bit more seen now and confident in the fact I am allowed to have these feelings.
I’ve been scared to accept this evolution for fear of it sealing our fate or it being the kiss of death. I’ve done a relate referral so we will see what happens with that, im definitely going to try and qualify before making any life changing decisions. Any tips on how to approach this whole situation with him? Im very apprehensive because I don’t just want it to be a trauma dumping session or who has it worse I want it to be constructive
Im torn between wanting to try and fix it and being entirely over this whole thing.

I think the only way is to be assertive, and mean it, there aren't any tips, you can't moderate it or minimise it, or soften it. His esponse and feelings are his own to handle as a grown adult, the words you say aren't causing his dysfunction, nor have they helped him or changed him so far.
He isn't pulling his weight, emotionally or financially as the adult you share your life and home with, or as a parent. Tell him.
The relationship you thought you had is over, it is OK and vital to communicate that, tell him.
Don't ring his GP, or do anymore work for him, no list of household chores, or a timetable, he knows what needs to be done and chooses not to.
The work you have done so far has made it worse for both of you and prolonged an unhealthy relationship for you as a family, drop your end of it completely. Tell him this, what you had isn't working and will ruin you and the future life of your child, that6s what is at stake, make it clear to him and give the risks he is taking back to him. He can choose to participate, or not, but you cannot carry on. Tell him. No grey areas, no negotiating, what was your day to day life together has ended and its up to him now.

The relationship you are both in is emotionally abusive, for all of you. End it, as it is, maybe you can change it into something better, maybe not. Thats not your role now though, it is his responsibility.

I think he realised something was up yesterday as I was distant, he’s picked me up after my night shift and I checked with him about some washing I had asked him to hang out. He said “what do you think, you asked me didn’t you” (with a really smug look that made me want to poke him in the eye ) so I laughed and said when had that been the indicator of something getting done - his reply? Now.

We will see, I’m already pessimistic but I’m going to try really hard to hands off and see if we evolve together or apart!

Withdrawing without discussing it all it is a bit like giving him the silent treatment, you need to say it to him, waiting for him to notice or do it himself won't communicate that. What do you mean you'll try? You have control over this, you can stop yourself can't you, you aren't helplessly helping him?

You need to stop enabling him. He needs to do things for himself. In your position, I would give him an ultimatum to sort himself out or get out.

This is no life for you.

I have recently realised I hold onto people that “love” me as I am scared of not being loved.
Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you like he does, imo.
The thought of not being loved doesn’t bother me as much right now though.
Hold onto that thought. I think you would find counselling useful, but suggest going for your own counselling. I'm guessing that if you organise counselling for both of you, he will drag his heels, 'I don't want to go, Mummy' and make no effort, like he seems to do with everything else.