Why does no one talk about how hard it is leaving the “good guy”

[CJCW17]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years, we have a 5 year old, for the last year things haven’t been great.
He’s a great father and for all intents and purposes he’s a good guy, but for the last few years he has become less and less present, He became less tolerant of normal day to day things, work was awful for him, he would tell me how he just wanted to be able to be alone, so I would arrange to have the house empty but that day alone would never be long enough, I would come home and have comments like “I hate that because I was enjoying myself the day has gone too quickly” “I wish you would leave me alone more often”. Our kiddo was in full time childcare so he would only need to actively “parent” at the weekends and it would be too much for him. Last summer things came to a head when he said the thought of going into work made him suicidal. I immediately told him to get signed off, if he didn’t want to go back I would find a way to financially support us until he found something more appropriate, I helped him contact his doctors, referred him to therapy, I was his point of contact for work as the anxiety was too much for him, I then started paying for him to go to college so he could retrain and I asked him to start looking for part time work to help fund this, he didn’t really look, I would apply for things for him but he would conveniently miss the callback, or forget to email them something so everything was a non starter. One of the things I asked was that if I was going to be working 2 jobs so he didn’t have to have one is that he just picked up extra chores around the house, I don’t want to be coming home to a house that’s awful when I’m working 7 days a week.
This did not happen, when ever I had a day of annual leave I would be sorting out everything. I sort all the bills, all childcare is arranged by me, anything to do with school is me, anything for our son is planned through me:. It basically came to a point where I was mothering him, but he still wanted to be intimate, I really struggled with this - you want me to look after you like parent does but at the end of the day have sex with you? No. I’ve mentioned this to him, and nothing has changed, I don’t know what to do. He’s a kind guy and a great dad, he’s depressed so I can’t actively blame him and I look awful if I do but I am burning out and I’m burning out fast. I have no desire around him; I feel the ick when he wants to cuddle or hold hands. I don’t know what My point is I guess, I more just want to know am I being unreasonable? I want to support him but do I do it at detriment to myself? What do I do?

Should be your priority

God, this sounds familiar. Ex DP had a serious MH condition that meant some aspects of daily life. But those increased, increased , increased until I was doing all the housework, all the childcare, all his washing, food prep etc etc and working full time.

Then he lost his job.

I was then coming home week after week, doing everything, burning through a small inheritance, while he just stayed in bed. I was parenting him, and like you, the thought of being intimate gave me the ick!

It took a couple of years and lockdown to get him to leave. He still tells anyone who will listen that I neglected him, and I abandoned a mentally ill man, who was doing the best for his family. I remember one evening after a 14 hour day of work, childcare, making his dinner, putting the kids to bed, I had settled down to watch a box set, he started to cry, and got louder and louder, just like my 3 year old did. I just couldn’t deal with it. He stopped sobbing king enough to tell me in detail how I was a cold heartless bitch who must have Aspergers to hear him crying and not being supportive.

The truth is he was emotionally abusive, and that was impacting on the whole family, he put his needs above everyone else’s, because he was ill. He moved out 18 months ago. My life is immeasurably better, and my children so much happier. The fact that he was a “good guy” before he was ill made it so much harder, but that didn’t mean his needs came before everyone elses

"I wish you would leave me alone more often”.

So do it.

He is a bad guy and a terrible father.

I wonder, OP, if immediately after writing this as a post you realised that actually, he's not a good guy at all.

He can lead the 'no responsibility ' life if he wants, but he can do it on universal credit in a bedsit somewhere. He doesn't get you
to fund it.

Remember, he is only doing this because you are letting him.

He’s depressed? Still? Has he been put on medication? What are his symptoms. Is he sleeping and eating ok - is his self care good - is he interested in things - can he concentrate - has he a drive for sex - these are the main symptoms of clinical depression?
He does not sound depressed.
You actually need to get him to joint counselling ie family therapy.
It’s the dynamic of the relationship that’s enabling him.
It’s not a negative comment to you - you thought you where helping him.
Don’t let it carry on - if he won’t go to therapy with you - please go alone.

I used to have a desk in a business centre surrounded by a lot of intelligent guys 35to 55. A lot of them were basically lazy arses who did a bit of this and that and often spoke in a depressed kind of way but one thing they all had in common was a good and industrious woman in their life running around holding it all together and nearly always earning more than they did. Quite a few got dumped and strangely they then pulled their socks up. A lot of these guys were hugely entitled, (this was in a posh area) and seemed to feel they should be having the life of Riley but without corresponding effort. Don’t stand for it OP, tell him he shapes up or ships out. Depression is awful but he shows no signs of sorting that either .

It's telling that his depression makes him incapable of doing his share and contributing financially and emotionally to your family but not so depressed that he doesn't want sex? Aye, right. You're not his mammy/counsellor/nurse. Time to cut the cords and look for the life YOU want. Good luck.

He isn't a good guy. He has left you to pick up the slack. This is simply not on over the long term. And not a good example for your DC either. I'd leave.

As a single woman I had numerous episodes of severe depression and burnout - in each one I was still conscious I had to pay the fucking mortgage. This proved to be a strong motivator to get well!

Even once married when I did it all over again, including the work stress, hating the job, wanting to retrain, a simple financial calculation proved there was nothing that was going to bring in the same amount of money as I already earned. So I pulled my socks up, did some therapy again and made my career work for me.

Unfortunately your husband is a bag of shite and you are his enabler. He has no need to get well as everything is handed to him on a plate. What does he do all day? Please don't say sit about in his PJs playing computer games in the dark.

He needs to get out of bed everyday and achieve a task, a bigger task everyday than the last one.

Leaving him would be the biggest favour you could do him, he'd need to sort himself out or sadly find another poor sap to feel sorry for him but either way he have to get out of bed.

Not a good guy. Sounds more like a leech to me.

I think he lost the ‘good guy’ badge a while ago by the sounds of it. You don’t sound like you want to be with him, you should leave.

OP I hope this thread is going to help you see that you need to totally reframe your title question.

It's hard to leave a good guy - but your DP is NOT a good guy.

so I can’t actively blame him and I look awful if I do
You can, & you won't.

The blame lies with him because he is actively at fault.
You won't look awful - you will look like a woman who has gone beyond the end of her tether.

Apologies as I've not yet caught up with the entire thread - but your situation is so untenable that you need to start taking immediate action, so here's an initial 2 pence worth -

You are exhausting yourself, running around after a selfish user, & he has run you ragged. For right now - please STOP all this pandering to him.
It's not working, so there's no point you making yourself ill trying the same stuff for no end result.

Next day off - put your feet up & TELL him he has to do his own household chores & look after his own children. Don't get into a discussion, don't let him imagine he can negotiate - just tell him once. His response will show you everything you need to know.

You having to vacate your own house with your child on your rare days off is fucking outrageous btw. It's not helping him either - he's not grateful, he doesn't use the time to get himself 'better', & all that happens is he expects more & more special treatment.

He's had enough pampering.
It's time for him to grow the fuck up, take responsibility for his "depression" (surprise me - no GP visit, no diagnosis, right?) get a bloody job & stop using you as his personal slave & whipping girl.

He’s not a good guy.
He wants you to leave him in an empty house and take your child with you.
He’s an asshole. If he's depressed he should be speaking to his GP constantly, taking medication and having counselling to get better.
I would Chuck him out. And of course sex gives you the ick

You are cutting him too much slack and it's destroying you.who will be left to parent your child? Or will she take over were you can't continue and learn to sacrifice herself for a man's needs?

Very well said @Ponoka7

OP - you need to put your own life jacket on before sparing another minute on your selfish loser. You are the only adult capable of parenting your child, & you need to put her, & yourself first for a bloody change.

Good insight from @MargosKaftan ‘ Oh honey hes not a good guy. You are a fixer. You have set out to solve all his problems for him, as you can see this doesn't work. He needs go fix them himself. You managed and managed and frankly made life worse for you and your dc so you DP doesn't have to address his own issues. Stop’

Understandably, you are not interested in sex with him because you have gone off him &: what he has become - he is draining you & is impertinent to assume that his wish is your command…oh, I wonder where he got that idea from?

So, stop fixing his life from now on.
You have done far too much to ‘fix’ him (getting him to dr/therapy, contact for work, paying to retrain) without the negotiation required between two adults to keep the integrity of the relationship between you. He’s faltered (as can anyone) & you have swept him up into a cosy bundle. Far too much, however well meaning, for a marriage - this is what suffocating parents do, so why have you ?

I second the suggestion of Relate so that you may work together on your relationship, that you both discover how you both got to this place.

But before that, stop doing so much for him & around him, you are far too overstretched, risking emotional, physical & psychological burn-out & your own health.

Having had a collapse of his own MH, he will understand how important your own good MH must be, won’t he?

He has to pull his weight: : contributing £££, housework, active engagement with his children, otherwise he goes back to his real mummy or lives in his own space.

How is this man a ‘great dad’? A good father would make the effort to sort out his MH so that he could return to work and contribute financially. If he’s well enough to want sex, he’s well enough to clean the bathroom!

I xposted with @ChargingBuck & wholeheartedly agree.

Sorry, @CJCW17 your partner isn’t a good guy, he’s an utterly self-centred manipulator. Time to make life better for you and your 5 year old. What would happen if you did burn out? How fair would that be for your son? If not for yourself, do it for him xx

The behaviour activation aspect of CBT encourages those experiencing depression to start taking control of activities of daily living. It certainly does not encourage avoidance of these important tasks. This bloke needs to get back into taking responsibility for everyday tasks and challenges asap.

I have depression and i realise how hard it is on my dh but we dont have kids and i sort all the household bills and admin

he doesnt seem to be doing anything but conveniently can do a college course

OP, you forgot to mention the good guy. Is it someone you've met recently?

As I read this I thought he doesn’t sound like a good guy

I have a long term Mental Health condition that means juggling work, parenting and household stuff can feel really stressful and exhausting. I have to make a conscious effort to take care of myself or things can become very serious very quickly. BUT that doesn't mean I get to just opt out of work, parenting and domestic stuff completely, nor would I want to! It just means I may need some support and reasonable adjustments to help me cope.

For example, I have reduced my hours at work from FT to 3 days to give me more time for rest and self-care. But the rest and self-care happens when the DC are at school/nursery. I am still present and fully engaged with them after-school and at weekends, even if sometimes this feels difficult. Occasionally, if I'm feeling overwhelmed and struggling with my symptoms on a weekend I will ask DH to watch the kids for an hour or two while I have a bath/nap/go for a walk. When I'm done I thank him, it would never occur to me to complain afterwards that it went too quick and I wish they'd all leave me alone more often! I also reciprocate by watching the kids while he goes to the gym or to see a friend. I still do my share around the house, on bad days I may not get much done but I usually make up for it when I'm feeling more productive on good days and DH understands that.

OP, your DH doesn't want support or reasonable adjustments for his Depression. He wants to opt out of all responsibilities (work, family life, chores) completely. That's not fair and its not the actions of a good man or a good Dad.

You haven't mentioned if he's taking care of his mental health so I'll just leave something I heard recently.

"Your mental health is not your fault but it is your responsibility." If he's so depressed that he can't work, clean, cook or take care of your child then that is HIS responsibility to fix. Not yours.