Why does no one talk about how hard it is leaving the “good guy”

[CJCW17]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years, we have a 5 year old, for the last year things haven’t been great.
He’s a great father and for all intents and purposes he’s a good guy, but for the last few years he has become less and less present, He became less tolerant of normal day to day things, work was awful for him, he would tell me how he just wanted to be able to be alone, so I would arrange to have the house empty but that day alone would never be long enough, I would come home and have comments like “I hate that because I was enjoying myself the day has gone too quickly” “I wish you would leave me alone more often”. Our kiddo was in full time childcare so he would only need to actively “parent” at the weekends and it would be too much for him. Last summer things came to a head when he said the thought of going into work made him suicidal. I immediately told him to get signed off, if he didn’t want to go back I would find a way to financially support us until he found something more appropriate, I helped him contact his doctors, referred him to therapy, I was his point of contact for work as the anxiety was too much for him, I then started paying for him to go to college so he could retrain and I asked him to start looking for part time work to help fund this, he didn’t really look, I would apply for things for him but he would conveniently miss the callback, or forget to email them something so everything was a non starter. One of the things I asked was that if I was going to be working 2 jobs so he didn’t have to have one is that he just picked up extra chores around the house, I don’t want to be coming home to a house that’s awful when I’m working 7 days a week.
This did not happen, when ever I had a day of annual leave I would be sorting out everything. I sort all the bills, all childcare is arranged by me, anything to do with school is me, anything for our son is planned through me:. It basically came to a point where I was mothering him, but he still wanted to be intimate, I really struggled with this - you want me to look after you like parent does but at the end of the day have sex with you? No. I’ve mentioned this to him, and nothing has changed, I don’t know what to do. He’s a kind guy and a great dad, he’s depressed so I can’t actively blame him and I look awful if I do but I am burning out and I’m burning out fast. I have no desire around him; I feel the ick when he wants to cuddle or hold hands. I don’t know what My point is I guess, I more just want to know am I being unreasonable? I want to support him but do I do it at detriment to myself? What do I do?

@Fhee

To be fair to the OP she does put “good guy” in “” in the title. I think she is fully fed up with him but is worried about push back from others if she left, having to explain leaving a “good guy” who happens to be suffering depression.

I assumed that. But people do talk about how hard it is to leave someone perceived as the good guy.

Most abusers, appear as 'the good guy'.

@Fhee

I think you're right. But then I'd remind OP that the opinions of others are totally irrelevant to her own interests. She needs to do what's best for her.

Has he been diagnosed though, is he in treatment, being a responsible partner and parent by getting help and contributing financially, emotionally and domestically despite illness or has he decided he can't work or participate because of his strong feelings and he can't possibly cope with doing anything adult now he is out of work, funded, living in serviced accommodation with a wife waiting on him and a child getting let down by him? There's a difference. Mental illness is hard, but it is treatable, you can have a life and recover.

Get rid, he's manipulating you, using mental illness as a weapon, you've done all you can to accommodate him, and he doesn't want to help himself. Your life matters too.

If good guys are like that I can’t imagine how the bad ones are.

Not read everyone's replies, but if the tables were turned and it was you who had depression, would he work 2 jobs, and sort the house and childcare etc? If you don't think he would then you should leave/make him leave.

Why do you think of him as a good guy? He watches you do absolutely everything. He wants you to go out of the house so that he can spend his time lazing around. You're working far harder than you should and he isn't doing anything at all. What makes him a good guy? The fact he reads a book to his own child occasionally? I'd have no hesitation in telling him that we were splitting up.

What is he doing all day?

I also can't see why he's a good guy. A good guy would be someone who equally parents, tries his best to earn and pulls his weight in the house. But you've fell out of love with him and grown apart. He isn't a great father. He'd be actively getting treatment. I've known Mothers who've had severe depression, some have had children removed and they have done everything to get functioning again, even begging to get sectioned. One woman has to actively work at keeping going everyday and she maintains a clean home and meets her children's needs
You are cutting him too much slack and it's destroying you.who will be left to parent your child? Or will she take over were you can't continue and learn to sacrifice herself for a man's needs?

Well it may be hard leaving the "good guy" but that's not the problem you have. He's an inadequate, selfish parasite. How is it there are so many threads that list how useless and selfish a partner is then concludes that he's a great dad?!

What are you getting from this relationship?

He's a shit parent & partner and he will run you into the ground.
Give him more time alone - trial separation to see if he can sort his life out without you.

As soon as a peer we gives up their job they should either find another one or make their job the home maker, not just taking on extra chores.

My DH has PTSD and depression Abs uses it as an excuse to no do any work around the house. As long as your arms and legs work you can do job!

Few typos there, sorry

Good guy? He sounds very selfish. I’ve had very deep depression and was so dysfunctional that I couldn’t have processed needing the house to myself and struggled to get out of bed. No way could I contemplate sex. Depression generally lowers the libido and curbs sex drive so his wanting sex and randomly selecting what he is and isn’t able to do is suspicious.

Idk if he was really suicidal. I don’t think you can either as it is difficult to differentiate between genuine feelings and someone, who says it to get out of doing things, suicide being a trigger word. Whatever the case then, now it appears likely he just doesn’t want to work, is opting out of parenting and life and is training you. My question is what happens when he’s finished the course. Is he really going to get a job?

As an aside, I knew someone very well, who opted out for a couple of years. He lived off redundancy insurance pleading depression. I knew this person’s home life, child and partner well, them better, including their risqué sexual behaviours. Once the money dried up and they were at risk of losing their home funnily enough they were absolutely fine, tickety-boo, to start working again. This person’s wife also turned a blind eye.

You don’t want to have sex with him because you don’t respect him, which is a situation entirely of his own making. He won’t change so it’s up to you to make the hard decisions and salvage the rest of your life.

I don’t understand why you think this is a great guy?

What has he done that’s great? Bought you flowers in the past? Held your hand once when you cried? He doesn’t beat the shit out of you? What makes him great……because if I’m honest he don’t sound it at all, not even close!!! So what in the world makes you think he is?

Your confused, leave, you don’t do anything that’s detrimental to your own life, your son needs you.

There was a long running thread on MN a few years ago about leaving marriages that were merely "meh" not terrible. In many cases the bloke was ok and even very nice, but the marriage had turned chronically unhappy.

Why do people act like it's immoral to leave a broken relationship unless someone can be " blamed" why it can't be fixed?

Do you think you'd feel better about it having tried some couples counseling or something first? Someone to advocate for you and explain to him the impact this is having? Relate is means tested so there are some affordable options. But it might be that you don't want to do that, that you're sure you're out and that would be fine too. He sounds like he's very focused on him...and the avoiding any kind of work etc would give me the total ick too.

Oh honey hes not a good guy. You are a fixer. You have set out to solve all his problems for him, as you can see this doesn't work. He needs go fix them himself. You managed and managed and frankly made life worse for you and your dc so you DP doesn't have to address his own issues.

Stop.

I'm with most people on this. He isn't a good guy.

He and I have a lot in common. We both enjoy our own company and we both suffer from depression (I'm ok atm thank goodness).

The fact that he likes to be alone shouldn't drive you out of your own home. That's selfish. Nor should he be unkind when you get back sooner than he wanted. When my children were little I had to accept that alone time was a rare luxury. I also had to attend to their needs regardless of how depressed I was because it was my responsibility. I didn't get to opt out of changing nappies or preparing meals.

I think you should be suggesting that he gets his own place until he gets his head together. Living on your own would be so much easier than living with him. Put yourself and your child first. That will give you some time and space to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this man.

I’m going against the grain here to say he doesn’t sound like a bad person to me. Just someone who is very unwell (unless he’s always avoided housework etc?).

Obviously you don’t have to stay with him if you no longer love him (much like you wouldn’t have to stay with him if he had cancer or an accident that left him in a wheelchair). But mental illness is just as real as physical and can be debilitating.

Is he currently engaging with support from mental health care professionals?

Yeah he's not a good guy.

As @Everydaydayisaschoolday says, I love being alone, I've also had (have) depression and anxiety. I didn't get to stop being a parent. If the tables were turned and you were the one who was too unwell with MH problems to work and parent, would he step up for you?

If I were you, my decision would hinge on the effort he was making to address his depression. In therapy, taking medication and making every effort he can to help? Fine, I could live with that and support him. Otherwise (and it does sound like he is not making that effort)... no.

Resentment. Once that sets in it’s over.

Work gives us self worth whether it’s part-time, full time, work for self, house work, voluntary, menial, child care, team work - whatever kind of work - it’s a necessity of a healthy life, unless serious illness prevents it, in which case he applies for benefits. Sounds like your good guy’ will not improve his depression/situation without work. Sometimes, we do need a break from work or a change of scene to refresh. You have given him all that and more. I bet you would like a break too.
Now, you need to be cruel to be kind and give him the final ultimatum. He gets a job pronto. (And keeps it) End of. No threats, no enabling, no assisting, no discussion, no excuses, just a clear expectation delivered in a very serious tone.
Don’t give him a time frame give yourself one. You have a month to see results from all out effort to get himself back up and contributing to his own life and to his family’s life.
If he doesn’t or can’t, you already know what must happen because this is currently a hopeless way of life for you and your child.