Why does no one talk about how hard it is leaving the “good guy”

[CJCW17]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years, we have a 5 year old, for the last year things haven’t been great.
He’s a great father and for all intents and purposes he’s a good guy, but for the last few years he has become less and less present, He became less tolerant of normal day to day things, work was awful for him, he would tell me how he just wanted to be able to be alone, so I would arrange to have the house empty but that day alone would never be long enough, I would come home and have comments like “I hate that because I was enjoying myself the day has gone too quickly” “I wish you would leave me alone more often”. Our kiddo was in full time childcare so he would only need to actively “parent” at the weekends and it would be too much for him. Last summer things came to a head when he said the thought of going into work made him suicidal. I immediately told him to get signed off, if he didn’t want to go back I would find a way to financially support us until he found something more appropriate, I helped him contact his doctors, referred him to therapy, I was his point of contact for work as the anxiety was too much for him, I then started paying for him to go to college so he could retrain and I asked him to start looking for part time work to help fund this, he didn’t really look, I would apply for things for him but he would conveniently miss the callback, or forget to email them something so everything was a non starter. One of the things I asked was that if I was going to be working 2 jobs so he didn’t have to have one is that he just picked up extra chores around the house, I don’t want to be coming home to a house that’s awful when I’m working 7 days a week.
This did not happen, when ever I had a day of annual leave I would be sorting out everything. I sort all the bills, all childcare is arranged by me, anything to do with school is me, anything for our son is planned through me:. It basically came to a point where I was mothering him, but he still wanted to be intimate, I really struggled with this - you want me to look after you like parent does but at the end of the day have sex with you? No. I’ve mentioned this to him, and nothing has changed, I don’t know what to do. He’s a kind guy and a great dad, he’s depressed so I can’t actively blame him and I look awful if I do but I am burning out and I’m burning out fast. I have no desire around him; I feel the ick when he wants to cuddle or hold hands. I don’t know what My point is I guess, I more just want to know am I being unreasonable? I want to support him but do I do it at detriment to myself? What do I do?

You literally left your own home to pander to this guy you have let him take the piss

Stop setting yourself on fire to keep an ungrateful person warm

@Just10moreminutesplease

"Obviously you don’t have to stay with him if you no longer love him (much like you wouldn’t have to stay with him if he had cancer or an accident that left him in a wheelchair). But mental illness is just as real as physical and can be debilitating. "

I can't help inferring from this that you think other pps (myself included) are doubting the reality and seriousness of mental illness.

I can't speak for others, but I'm very aware of the debilitating, even life-threatening nature of mental illness. I live with PTSD and have experienced periods of acute depression and suicidal intent.

My advice to OP is to care for her own mental health because I saw some little 'tells' in her description of the situation, cause for concern for her and the child. She isn't made of kevlar.

Her DP may be very unwell, but he seems to be unwilling to engage in activities and behaviours that would help him. I'm not judging him, after all, refusal to engage, denial and lack of self-care are symptoms of severe depression and some other conditions. The problem here is the effect this has on the rest of his family. Decisions have to be made. Depression can be 'infectious'. OP is the only coping adult in that household and she needs to consider how much stamina she has left.

You make crass comparisons with cancer and injury (both known to cause secondary MH illness btw), but to make those comparisons more accurate we should add 'and refusing any treatment'.

Don't we can our other halves 'partners' for a reason? Because we partner with them in sharing life's loads? I agree that it's important to support our loved ones through hard times but what you're doing seems excessive and I worry you simply won't be able to keep it up doing everything by yourself. Have you spoken to him about the toll this is taking on you? All the best!

When he completes the college course, what is his plan & timescale ?

He could work PT - chooses not to

He should be doing chores/parenting at home - he chooses not to

Is he under a doctor for his health ?

It sounds to me that it would be better if you separated & he found his own place to live & funded himself

It doesn't sound like he wants to change

Why should you subsidize his lifestyle

You should priorities yourself & your child

In what way is he a good guy 🤔

Stress and depression do require an element of understanding and support. We've had both in our house. Yes, there will be times where you'd rather stay in bed and hide, but you need to at least take care of the basics even if something like clearing out a cupboard feels too much.

If he is making no effort to at least do the basics and get help then I'd be hard pushed to put up with that.

I'd also note that loss of libido is a common issue either of the depression or as a side effect of the drugs, so if he is feeling like sex, he is certainly capable of running a hoover, doing the dishes, getting some work etc.

"I'd also note that loss of libido is a common issue either of the depression or as a side effect of the drugs, so if he is feeling like sex, he is certainly capable of running a hoover, doing the dishes, getting some work etc."

This, very much agree with @ElephantOfRisk.

If this is what you call a "good guy"

He currently has zero good qualities

This week what has he done to help at home ???

Thanks for all your comments guys. I’ll clear a few things up and respond.
By “good guy” I do mean perceived good guy, I don’t really have a supportive family and even if they changed their minds to be so they are in Nottingham and I am on the coast. My support system is his family and I love them so much but he is their son before I am their daughter in law, I just mean they won’t see it. They also don’t live near by, they live 1.5 hours away so if I did say can you go and stay with them it would impact the amount he would see his child - which as I’m writing it now seems stupid but I guess it’s just a part of it. I don’t have many friends and more people that I am friendly with so just feel quite isolated, to leave him would mean I had no one.

He did get treatment in the form of antidepressant, he started on standard dosing, I have told him he needs to speak with his doctor about dosage if he hasn’t improved, to which he will say yeah but then not. I did a referral for therapy for him, but I don’t know if they contacted him and he didn’t do anything or what.

He will do things if I ask/tell him to do it, which is where I guess this comes in to it, I mean it’s my warped brain considering that as helpful, but I know I shouldn’t have to ask. Sometimes it’s repeated asking but then when it finally gets done I feel relieved so he gets a pat on the back. More fool me.

I work nights, so he does have no choice in looking after our son, and he does let me sleep when I need to. I also wouldn’t be able to continue my job if I left him because of the hours, even if I switched to days they start at 7.30am and finish at 8.15pm, and I know giving up a job is small but I’m 6 months away from qualifying. When I had to have surgery last year he did step up and the house was tidy, our kiddo was well looked after and I could hear them having fun whilst I couldn’t move upstairs, again I think this is where my perception comes in because he hasn’t always been like this. I honestly wouldn’t be with him if it was, but I remember him doing things for us too, however I have always had to put myself on a back burner. When we had our boy he was the only one working for a while, he supported us financially - but I was still the one doing the admin arranging bills and obviously looking after our child. There used to be this scenario which would happen every work day where he would come home from work, have a cigarette outside, and go straight for a poo, then he would be in there 30 - 40 minutes, I could hear him playing on his phone, so I would ask him - Hey, DS has seen you, he now wants you but I have to try and entertain him for nearly an hour with him knowing you’re only in the bathroom but you getting annoyed if I just let him come in, so I’m dealing with now a grouchy baby when I’ve been up since 5, I’ve been actively parenting him all day please I need you to be present when you come home.
He honestly made it seem like I was asking a massive thing, like I was stopping his bodily functions so I asked that if he really had to go then to maybe not play on his phone or to leave it out the bathroom so it’s not a distraction, then it turned into that was his only time that he got as his own so I was ruining it.

I gave up.

I am a fixer I guess, I grew up in an abusive household, my mum was toxic towards my dad and she would beat me and my siblings, and if I didn’t anything less than perfect it would be a beating that I got, (I’ll clarify it wasn’t like a little spank here or there) I have recently realised I hold onto people that “love” me as I am scared of not being loved. The thought of not being loved doesn’t bother me as much right now though.

I know this isn’t sustainable, 4 days ago I told him I needed him to take more responsibility for himself. I don’t care about the things around the house but I will not be doing anything more for him. No more applying for jobs, sorting doctor things, arranging his life. That’s on him. And he accepted that, but I know full well he hasn’t done anything yet. I did apply for a free course for him to get his CSCS card, I was there when they called him yesterday and I don’t doubt he will do the course, they even said they try and find him work if he passes so he may even end up with a job so that can be the last thing I did for him and I can see what he does with it.

I know if I am going to stay then we need therapy, however I’m trying to see before I do that whether he does start being proactive with his life or whether it continues, I’m only giving him a week now I’ve told him.
I am also trying to see if I can move closer to where I grew up which is also nearer his family, then if things do go towards splitting I’m living somewhere where I know, I don’t drive and where we live now depends on it meaning I depend on him for that.

It’s funny because I spend so much time wondering if I’m narcissistic because of this, like am I the trash person for having expectations? I don’t know.

I am grateful for your comments, and it has made me see a little clearer. I’m going to try and stop enabling him and just do things for myself and my son as a family Unit and see if he picks up any slack.

In what way is he a good guy?

He won't work because he's too 'depressed'
He wants time by himself and then complains it's not enough
He won't do housework despite not working
He demands sex after doing fuck all all day

He's a twat, a loser, pathetic, he's lying about being depressed which just makes him a dick and he's not a good guy.

Leave this twat.

Sure he has mental health issues, and deserves to have treatment to help him with that. But this is absolutely NOT a cop out to not help around the hose, bring in a wage, and
Look after and help his children/child.
I would be telling him to get the help he can, he has a time limit to start this, and if he doesn't he clears off. You are doing two jobs to support yourself! This just isn't a man to me I'm sorry.
My friends man got paid off and he didn't work again for 12! Years! She was doing 3 jobs, two cleaning and dinner lady to support herself and he sat at home with a trade and wouldn't even do homers etc. absolute disgrace to allow his wife to do that! So sorry I don't sympathise with any
Man who sits on his arse when he can be out doing a job and his wife/partner does numerous jobs fk that! (I do however understand about disabilities and mental health but only to a degree).
Get him help and then it's up to him.
You are not his mother. Remind him of this cos he needs to hear it.
Remember and take time for you, or you will end up the same.

I'm not surprised that you say that you were brought up in an abusive household tbh. The idea that having perfectly normal and reasonable expectations and needs in life makes you narcissistic is probably not something you would be thinking if you'd been brought up in a stable and loving family.

He is not a good guy. And even if he were, you would still be justified in leaving him if you were unhappy.

I think you need to stay until you qualify but make a plan about what to do after that. Don't give up on this last bit of your progress because of him.

That six months sounds like a good deadline to me.

Give him the six months to get his treatment sorted and get some work and improve his level of work around the house. When the six months is up then you can see if improvements have been made AND if you have any more desire for him. At that point if you want to continue to work on the marriage then do so but it is okay (aside from all the problems) to not continue in a relationship where you have no attraction. Remember to give yourself permission to be happy.

@ElephantOfRisk

Stress and depression do require an element of understanding and support. We've had both in our house. Yes, there will be times where you'd rather stay in bed and hide, but you need to at least take care of the basics even if something like clearing out a cupboard feels too much.

If he is making no effort to at least do the basics and get help then I'd be hard pushed to put up with that.

I'd also note that loss of libido is a common issue either of the depression or as a side effect of the drugs, so if he is feeling like sex, he is certainly capable of running a hoover, doing the dishes, getting some work etc.

Totally agree with this.

It sounds like you're the 'good guy' really. You've totally altered you're life for him.

At some point he does have to stand on his own two feet and even with mental health issues there's often a recognition to want to get better. Doesn't sound like he does and sounds like he wants to do nothing because you're doing it for him. He needs to grow up.

Reading your posts I can't find any evidence of him being a 'good guy' or a 'kind guy' or a 'great dad', all things you call him.

He appears to be a self-absorbed, lazy, manipulative man who is willing to let you drive yourself physically and mentally into the ground to facilitate his life completely.

That you feel guilt over your exhausting and life limiting efforts still not being enough to make him happy is heartbreaking really. He doesn't put in 1% of the effort that you do and you are worried it's your fault if you leave him.

If you don't care to consider yourself, what about the impact this situation has on your child? Is this the environment and example you wish to them to grow up with? Is this what you want them to learn and consider normal?

I hope you find the strength to walk away.

Nothing in your posts suggests remotely that he is either a good guy or a great father. Sure, depression sucks and if a person has problems with mental health, then that’s hard, too. But it doesn’t generally make you selfish, self-absorbed, unkind, lazy, uninvolved in the lives of your family, expecting sex on tap, and making no effort to a knowledge difficulties or try for change.

I couldn’t be with someone like this.

What do you want to happen? For him to change? Because that looks likely … not. Or do you want out? In which case, this is is within your control.

@GiantHaystacks2021

He's not a good guy. He's a fucking twat. Divorce this absolute and utter loser.

this.

Agreed.
He is a bumhole.
And a cocklodger.

This guy is a parasite !

He’s a great father and for all intents and purposes he’s a good guy

No he's not @CJCW17 He's really not.

It sounds as though he has a 'reactive depression' (as opposed to a physiological/chemical chronic illness) - induced by work stress. That is one thing, and you've been fantastic in supporting him.

BUT it is entirely another thing for him not to be doing anything in response to your support, and taking steps towards healing himself.That is very self-centred behaviour, which the work-induced stress does not excuse.

At the very least, if he can't cope with working outside the home (although that in itself is a question ...) he must pick up the household management and childcare, to enable you to work outside the home to support you all.

Good luck with sorting this, OP - but I'm afraid that these man-child people don't easily change. He may have to face what he's jeopardising or likely to lose (ie you & his DC) before he'll pull his finger out.

People can and do get through work-induced stress & depression. There is help, medication etc, there is support, there are things he can do.

If these are offered and he doesn't take them up - well, judge him by his actions, not his words.

But from what you say, he's NOT a "good guy" and you are justified in a separation. Even if only temporary to make him realise what he's in danger of losing.

When I had to have surgery last year he did step up and the house was tidy, our kiddo was well looked after and I could hear them having fun whilst I couldn’t move upstairs

So he can do it then. He’s just choosing not to.

There’s a big difference between can’t and won’t. The fact he won’t shows who he is.

He’s taking the piss massively. You’ll build your own support network with friends and supportive family members (some will know what he’s like) - and tbh when you’re not doing it all, burning out and lonely in a relationship the support you’ll need will be different anyway as you’ll have some time to look after yourself!

"He’s a kind guy and a great dad" no he isn't, he isn't being kind and he basically wants you to mother him, nothing you write shouts "great dad" either. My friend was in exactly the same position, she could have written this post last year, he was depressed and basically wanted to do nothing. She ran herself into the ground working full time, doing all childcare, house, admin the lot. He was signed off work sat at home. She rang the doctors, organised help etc etc, but he was happy to sit on his arse (and missed the appointments arranged!). Their divorce is currently being sorted. She is so much better, not on the verge of a breakdown, she isn't looking after a man child and she actually has a bit of time to herself. She felt really guilty about leaving someone who was depressed (he self harmed and attempted suicide - cry for help rather than serious attempt) but at the end of the day you aren't responsible for him, when it gets to the point that they are making your life miserable and you are making yourself ill to tread on eggshells around them, it really is time to leave.

He is lazy and manipulative. I am guessing you are financially independent. Maybe he knows this and is playing at your heart strings to do fall and get looked after. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Still mothering him or actually living your own life? Y seem to be lost i mundane everyday tasks and looking after him and his needs....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible

I'm reminded a bit of this thread, especially as you mention the perception of him being the 'good guy' - you might find some of it helpful OP.
He currently brings nothing to your life. You can't live like that for the sake of others, imo.