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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deliberate covid exposure/dying MiL/34 weeks pg

157 replies

RV12 · 21/01/2022 13:29

My MiL is very suddenly and tragically dying from cancer (diagnosed only 2 months ago). I am 35 weeks pregnant and live 4 hours away. She understandably would like to see me/the bump as there is real sadness that may not make it until the birth and I would like to show her love and support.
The dilemma is she has been testing positive for covid these last 2 weeks, albeit not showing symptoms. There was a negative test yesterday but today another positive - evidently she can't shake it due to immune issues.
I am feeling under pressure to go and visit (and stay with wider family all of whom exposed to it thr her this last week while on caring duties). I am anxious. But I am triple jabbed and healthy. Aibu if I hesitated??

OP posts:
Confiscatedpopit · 21/01/2022 18:01

Yes I’d definitely go.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 21/01/2022 18:05

@SilverontheTree

She’s your MIL. Your DH goes obviously- it’s his mother. You don’t.
This is really stupid. He then becomes a covid risk if he's hanging out with his family closely. Decisions about how to manage the risk need to be made as a team.
StarCat2020 · 21/01/2022 18:10

My mother went with my father to visit his dying father when she was pregnant with me.

I decided to arrive during the visit.

She still hasn't forgiven me and has never shown me any affection at all.

Her excuse is that my birth was "all too stressful".

This was 43 years ago

REignbow · 21/01/2022 18:23

It’s a difficult situation, which is compounded with this pandemic!

My husband and l caught covid (we are both double vaccinated) in the summer from our daughter. She was isolating and we were wearing masks. Also, everyone I know who travelled over Christmas, at least one family member caught the new variant (including my other DC).

With the above in mind, I would personally get advice from your GP and midwife. I say this as you would be travelling via public transport for a number of hours and are heavily pregnant.

sussexman · 21/01/2022 18:24

I'd talk to DH (and GP) but would likely decide to go. If you can meet outside obviously so much the better. I'd stay at a Premier Inn or similar though and not in the house.

Good luck!

Malibuismysecrethome · 21/01/2022 18:29

What is the situation if you need a Caesarean section? If you caught Covid would they be able to do one? I think it’s an unnecessary risk and you could be perfectly fine but your confinement could go wrong if you caught Covid

TearifficTaz · 21/01/2022 18:58

@Malibuismysecrethome

What is the situation if you need a Caesarean section? If you caught Covid would they be able to do one? I think it’s an unnecessary risk and you could be perfectly fine but your confinement could go wrong if you caught Covid
Of course they'd do one

Christ, you think the hospitals process would be to let a baby and mother potentially die?

You think if someone comes in with any other emergency they refuse treatment if they have covid?

Inlander · 21/01/2022 19:05

OP, can you speak to your midwife/consultant to discuss the risks?
I appreciate it’s a horrible situation to be in but if it were me, I wouldn’t do it. I had a baby over the summer and was very big at 35 weeks which put a lot of pressure on my body and caused me difficulty breathing regardless of covid. If I had caught covid and had symptoms I would have been screwed and would not have been able to go through labour. Sorry OP, hope your MIL can meet her grandchild Flowers

WakeUpLockie · 21/01/2022 19:12

I’d probably go but - open window, mask, don’t touch, be only you and her in the room. No need to see the rest of the family surely. Stay at a hotel. And break the journey up of course.

Kshhuxnxk · 21/01/2022 19:18

It's a difficult one. I think, given she would be permitted to return to normal life after 10 days and that you can test positive up to 90 days after having covid then yes I would go and see her. I would also understand however if you didn't.

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2022 19:27

I’ve thought about this again and I think actually, staying home is best. The train journey is a big risk, probably bigger than the family.

Encourage your DH to take as much time as he needs, with no restrictions on how close he is to family or masks or any of it. Give him your blessing to do whatever he needs.

Discuss LFTs and distancing at home when he comes back. Get a friend on board right now to be emergency birth partner if your DH can’t come due to Covid.

Flowers
shedevill · 21/01/2022 19:36

Sadly, this sounds like quite probably your MIL's only opportunity to get anywhere near close to her grandchild, who she may never see. That grandchild will grow up without knowing their grandparent and it may bring them a nugget of comfort knowing that at least gran saw their 'bump&. I would really try to go and have a private moment, just you and her, to achieve some sense of peace for both your sakes

Malibuismysecrethome · 21/01/2022 19:38

Do you have a scan photo your MIL can have as that is far more personal than seeing a bump.

jacks11 · 21/01/2022 19:59

Your MIL could potentially test positive- both on lateral flow and PCR- for many weeks to come (up to 90 days), despite no longer being infectious. At 2 weeks post diagnosis I think it is statistically more likely that she is no longer infectious, rather than being actively infectious. It is extremely unlikely that she is being continuously re-infected when going into hospital. On that basis I would be less concerned than you seem about risk of catching it from your MIL, though that may not be true for relatives who have been caring for her who may have caught it less than 2 weeks ago.

We generally don’t advise people who have had covid to continually test in the weeks following diagnosis for this reason- staff are exempt from lateral flows for a period of time (I work in the NHS), for instance.

But, if you really don’t want to/feel even a small risk is too much then that is your right. Is there a way you could reduce that risk to feel comfortable? E.g. both with masks on, hand sanitiser, windows open and no other people in the room etc, perhaps staying elsewhere and not with family. I guess you have to work out whether that small risk (and if she is over 2 weeks since diagnosis, statistically speaking it is small) outweighs going to see your MIL in the circumstances. That’s something only you can decide.

Original poster
RV12 · 21/01/2022 20:01

Thank you again. We are driving up now- and booked for hotel. Decision tipped by situation suddenly descending fast and I simply can't start expressing personal potential anxieties when H v distressed. And in context of other pg women with child age children/having to go to work as some have pointed out (I've been WFH, FTM and pretty safely isolated) I can see the risk is just something to cross fingers for (and mask up for!)

OP posts:
Runaway1 · 21/01/2022 20:03

Triple vaxxed and healthy here, got covid 3 weeks ago and spent 4 days in bed. I just wouldn’t risk it myself.

Original poster
RV12 · 21/01/2022 20:05

And yes - as some questioned FaceTime defo not an option sadly

OP posts:
saraclara · 21/01/2022 20:29

I'm so sorry that her condition seems to have deteriorated so badly.

For what it's worth, I'd do the same as you are doing.

saraclara · 21/01/2022 20:31

I hope that she's able to (and you're happy for her to) put her hand on your bump. I think that would be hugely meaningful for her.

Thinking of you all.

newchance2 · 21/01/2022 20:52

@RV12
You’ve made a balanced decision
Your DH is lucky to have you.

Blossomtoes · 21/01/2022 20:53

Good call @RV12. As a pp said, your bloke’s very lucky to have you.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/01/2022 21:53

That's a good point. Anyone pregnant at the moment and working in a school, hospital or public place (or living with someone who does) is more at risk that you would be visiting your dying MIL.

That is a ridiculous comparison and really NOT the same.
For many, work isn't a choice and an employer should be minimising risk by putting in a risk assessment.

This is a choice [ albeit a very difficult one]

Crucible · 21/01/2022 21:57

Best of luck to you and I am so very sorry this is happening. Safe journey and I wish your MIL peace too.

Whitefire · 21/01/2022 22:07

Wishing you a safe journey and that the visit, though sad and painful for all involved, will bring some comfort at this very difficult time. Flowers

I was very fortunate that my FIL did meet my youngest (they only lived down the road and I very reluctantly agreed to go and visit when she was a few days old) - it is a much treasured memory and photo as a few days later he went into hospital and never came out.

Whitegrenache · 21/01/2022 22:46

@Crucible

Best of luck to you and I am so very sorry this is happening. Safe journey and I wish your MIL peace too.
Same from me x you sound like a great supportive wife and that will give your dh a great deal of comfort