Deliberate covid exposure/dying MiL/34 weeks pg

[RV12]

My MiL is very suddenly and tragically dying from cancer (diagnosed only 2 months ago). I am 35 weeks pregnant and live 4 hours away. She understandably would like to see me/the bump as there is real sadness that may not make it until the birth and I would like to show her love and support.
The dilemma is she has been testing positive for covid these last 2 weeks, albeit not showing symptoms. There was a negative test yesterday but today another positive - evidently she can't shake it due to immune issues.
I am feeling under pressure to go and visit (and stay with wider family all of whom exposed to it thr her this last week while on caring duties). I am anxious. But I am triple jabbed and healthy. Aibu if I hesitated??

I might be wrong?

But my understanding is that you can test positive for up to 90 days after having covid, but the ten days isolation is because after that even if still testing positive you’re unlikely to be infectious, that’s why you can come out of isolation then even if still showing a positive.

Thank you so much all! Diversity of responses rather emphasises the difficulty of the decision.

I will absolutely be trying to minimise risk if I go (mask/window etc). It's the wider family risk I can't quantify and seems pretty high really (they haven't had it before and surely it is just a matter of time before they get it this week)- and general tiredness. But can't bear the thought of being felt as unsupportive/selfish over it all when it does seem to be a mild illness now for many. Argh- just wished they lived closer! Next few weeks are going to be even harder so I don't know that waiting will help (or is even sensible given current rate of decline...)

Really good knowing that there is a division of views so as long as I explain decision with kindness/mitigate etc I'm not going to be acting that extreme ..

I'd go.

I"m on the extreme relaxed end re. Covid rules - I actively oppose most measures! (though I do believe in vaccinations) and I think you should not be inside with anyone who has recently been exposed to covid.

I don't know whether having cancer would make the covid remain infectious in your MIL - a doctor might have to answer that one - (not mumsnet!) - but if there are people around her who are being exposed I would just make sure you aren't indoors with any of them.

Put yourself and your baby first. There is absolutely no point risking yourself.

OP becoming a mum involves learning new boundaries - and this is an example. The most important people here number 1 is you and your baby! This is just the beginning of setting out that boundary.

Other people's feelings unfortunately have to come second to that. If they as a group have not previously had covid then you must avoid indoor contact whether or not they are 'offended 'is not relevant.

it's not forever, your baby will be here soon then it won't be such an issue.

I wouldn't go.

Your health and the health of your unborn child is paramount and catching covid in late pregnancy can carry its own complications.

Also, that's a very long journey to take at this stage of pregnancy.

Do as pp suggested and do regular video calls. You could do that several times as well, whereas a visit will be a one off.

As a side point, is she will enough to make a trip out in the car for a private 3d scan? If so, this would be a lovely way of her 'meeting' her new grandchild in case she doesn't make it until the birth

Why is she still testing? It’s known you can test positive for up to three months/90 days and are advised against it unless you have more symptoms.

That aside, don’t feel pressured into anything you don’t feel comfortable with. However, I would assume your DH will be seeing her regardless and he will be just as likely to catch it and bring it home. If any of you do meet up, opt for the ffp2 masks and as much ventilation as possible if outdoors isn’t an option.

How awful OP. I think realistically the chances of her still being infectious at this point are pretty low- but obviously there’s no guarantees

Is she able to leave the house? If so could you meet for a coffee locally outside? Not ideal in January but would significantly reduce the risk being outside.

If you go, I agree with pp about staying somewhere else and not with family.

@Wondergirl100

OP becoming a mum involves learning new boundaries - and this is an example. The most important people here number 1 is you and your baby! This is just the beginning of setting out that boundary.

Other people's feelings unfortunately have to come second to that. If they as a group have not previously had covid then you must avoid indoor contact whether or not they are 'offended 'is not relevant.

it's not forever, your baby will be here soon then it won't be such an issue.

Did you not actually read the OP? The MIL isn't 'offended' that OP won't visit, but she is dying. There is a very real chance that she won't be here when the baby is here. You make it sound like the MIL has just invited OP round for a social call. I'm not sure that being pregnant does trump absolutely all, not when someone else is dying.

I feel so much for you OP, because this is such a real dilemma. Personally I'd go but I can see a very strong argument for not going, too.

So sorry about your mother in law OP. A very difficult situation for everyone. I fully understand her wish to see you and for you to support her but, if it were me, I don’t think I could take any risk with my unborn baby. Your health and that of the baby should take priority here. Apart from anything else, it’s a long journey for you to be taking at this stage. I so hope that your MIL is able to see the baby after the birth. If you do go, I wouldn’t stay with the family. Good luck

I wouldn't go

I am sorry for your DH and you, and of course for your MIL. What a dreadful news! My opinion is very much coloured by the fact that I have recurrent pregnancy loss, and very much hope this current pregnancy makes it to the end and will result in our first live baby.

I understand the emotional need (and pressure) to go see her, but no way would I risk my baby's health for anyone. Even if it were my own mother, or my partner (baby's dad) in MIL's situation, I would not expose myself and baby to that. Perhaps that is harsh, but I see my priority of responsibility as to baby first, who is completely dependent on my personal decision-making without any choice in it. Babies with mums who catch Covid in third term do statistically have worse outcomes, in terms of premature delivery, stillbirth, etc. Please don't take a healthy baby for granted.

As others suggested, video-calls, care packages, letters, waving through a window, by all means show your support and love. Anything but physical exposure to either MIL or previously exposed extended family. When DH goes, ask if he wears a good mask, followed by ample testing.

Thanks all.

She can't leave the house - but is on a hospital bed in downstairs room so yes window is an option.
She keeps being tested because keeps needing hospital visits for various things - and is either recatching it there or their mandatory tests are flashing it up.
I will be trying to stay somewhere else - but then it's somewhat fruitless as the H will obv want supper/more contact etc with wider family while visiting.
There is no nasty "pressure/demands"- but they are just a very warm and loving family- and I don't want to be the cold/unreasonable one adding pain at a difficult time (although yes- the long journey also fills me with horror and whole train in normal times would be the solution presents it's own covid fears now!)

@Ahalam

I would prioritise the health of a mother and unborn baby over a dying person, every time.

This. I know of a woman who caught Covid when she was pregnant and ended up in ventilated in intensive care . The Baby was delivered by CS and the mum died a few weeks later.

I'm afraid I wouldn't go. Covid in the third trimester can be very dangerous for both mother and baby, and in fact risks of stillbirth and premature birth do go up the closer you are to the birth when you catch Covid, and you're only a few weeks away from it.
It's a horrible situation, but you really have to prioritise your health and your baby's.

I currently have covid (triple jabbed) and there is no way I would go in your shoes. I am sure for some people it's "just like a cold" etc but I wouldn't want to be pregnant with it or risk passing it to my unborn baby.

Anyone who expects you to do that is very selfish.

I am sure she would love to see DH though, maybe with lots of photos/videos?

@Dutchesss

Sorry for the sad news. I would see her. The drive is riskier than seeing your MIL, I'm sure you and baby will be fine.

Absolutely agree. When did we lose our minds and massively over exaggerated interpretations over covid risks?

If we risk assess all our normal Day to day activities into consideration,like driving 4 hours for example, the risks of having an accident will be higher than the mortality/morbidity risks from Catching covid when you are triple vaccinated.
We would never leave the house!

We are talking about a dying MIL and whilst she is NOT your mum she is, I would imagine a much loved member of your extended family?

And please tell me you will allow her to see the baby is by a miracle she is still her when you baby arrives?

I get that when woman is pregnant we are Uber protective of the unborn child but I say this kindly and from my heart - get a grip

I really wouldnt risk it while your pregnant.

I’m pregnant too and wouldn’t go.
I don’t want to appear to be heartless but the only memories created are for you.
You need to prioritise your health and well-being.

If there's a chance thatt she's infectious then definitely don't go. It's lovely of you to want to but don't risk it.

I'm sorry if I've missed it but could you meet her outdoors, stay for a very short time (really short like about ten minutes) and keep more than 2m distance?

Otherwise I'd suggest video calls. At 35 weeks I think travelling is ok (if you are comfortable with that) but not massively increasing your chances of catching COVID.

I'd go. As PP have said, someone can still test positive but not be infectious and, unless you have a high-risk pregnancy, you're probably safe enough.
If you do have any unusual health issues of your own, maybe talk it through with your GP/midwife and see what they have to say.
You may have to compromise up to a point in this situation eg go and stand outside the window or something. I appreciate it's difficult but you have to weigh up the different risks:
1 The risk of catching Covid
2 The risk of harming your relationship with your H's family - however lovely they are, if you refuse to visit your dying MIL because waa, covid, they may resent you in their immediate grief when she goes.
3 The risk of feeling guilt and regret if you don't go.

sorry awful position to be in - since she has covid over 2 weeks ago I would go as soon as possible before you get too close to your due date and wear a N95 mask (like doctors and dentists do).
If you would do this for your mother it makes sense you would do this for your husband's mother because you would really be doing it for your husband.

@whatisheupto

What are the issues around passing Covid to a newborn? Genuine question. Ie. If you caught Covid and then gave birth in 5 days time while testing positive... what are the risks around that? I have no idea, and I guess there's a fairly low chance of that happening, but I'd want to know about the risks around newborns catching Covid from their positive mother before I made my decision.

Im not sure if theres any actual research on it yet, but I was talking to someone yesterday whos 1 year old has had repeated lung problems requiring hospital at times that she suspects was because of catching covid in late pregnancy because HER friend also had covid in late pregnancy and her child also has breathing difficulties too. Hard to say for sure though as there is no research on it