Deliberate covid exposure/dying MiL/34 weeks pg

[RV12]

My MiL is very suddenly and tragically dying from cancer (diagnosed only 2 months ago). I am 35 weeks pregnant and live 4 hours away. She understandably would like to see me/the bump as there is real sadness that may not make it until the birth and I would like to show her love and support.
The dilemma is she has been testing positive for covid these last 2 weeks, albeit not showing symptoms. There was a negative test yesterday but today another positive - evidently she can't shake it due to immune issues.
I am feeling under pressure to go and visit (and stay with wider family all of whom exposed to it thr her this last week while on caring duties). I am anxious. But I am triple jabbed and healthy. Aibu if I hesitated??

It’s totally your call. I’d problem go for the day, mask up, sanitise/ wash hands etc and let her feel your bump etc. But also totally ok if you don’t want to. Could you send a photo , video or letter? Perhaps a promise to include her name in your baby’s name somehow?

Have you asked your midwife/GP? Saying that they've advised against might be easier than just saying you're worried.

You know I wouldn’t risk it. If you caught Covid you stand a chance of delivering whilst unwell, possibly extremely unwell.

@Whitefire

Go, see her, don't have regrets.

But stay at a hotel rather than at someone's (and take all your notes, hospital bag and car seat)

This. So sad @RV12, you must be feeling so torn. 💐

It's PCR tests that can remain positive for some time post Covid.
LFTs should turn negative once no longer infectious and a positive LFT suggests infectiousness.

* But can't bear the thought of being felt as unsupportive/selfish over it all when it does seem to be a mild illness now for many*’
That should not be your concern

Your focus should be face your mil is dying. I would def visit. Mask up. Windows open. And just me, her and dh .

This is very difficult but as you’re not due for another five weeks and fully vaccinated I’d go, just take sensible precautions.

If I was you I'd go but wear a well fitting FFP3 mask. Both on the train and with Mil.

If they are warm and loving then they should understand you can't be meeting them for dinner. The risk is equally from your DH, if he's doing that then you need to figure out what to do.

If it were me, I'd have both of us meet wider family outside with no hugs and mask, plus see MIL with no other family there but FFP2 and window open. I'd ask her to pat my stomach and talk to the baby, and get DH to record whatever she wants to say to the baby. The rest can hug each other and hug you both later once all are past the covid risk period.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2022/01/220113111358.htm

This is a quick read of some research coming out of the University of Edinburgh, (December 202-October 2021) not enough research is there for women who are fully vaccinated but there does seem to be higher risk of premature birth, still birth and new born deaths, if the woman caught Covid within 28 days of delivering their baby when unvaccinated and I think it said 12 or 11% of those cases are vaccinated.

When I was reading things a couple of months ago it seems that covid affects the placenta when we are pregnant.

It’s a hard decision OP, what are the rules at your hospital or birth centre about having your husband with you during labor and delivery if they have a positive covid test? I know where I live (not UK) they aren’t allowed in at all.

I am totally covid risk averse - but, providing I was well and feeling fine, in this situation, I’d go.

I’d be very clear I was doing it on my terms though. Staying in a travel inn, not seeing any of the rest of the family and staying outside. Put your foot down on what you want.

I do think you should try and go though. What a sad situation.

I understand she wants to see you and vice versa but if your husband wants to be supporting the whole family, eating together, probably doing a lot of the sitting around that happens at times like these then I don't think it's sensible. One night in a nearby hotel, visiting just her in a mask, and then back - maybe.

This sounds like such a sad dilemma for you OP.

But I think you need to put yours, and your baby's, health first.

What even are the practicalities if you caught covid and then went into labour? Are you still allowed in the hospital? You would potentially then be exposing all the newborns and new mums and midwives to it too. You're too close to your due date and like another poster has said, you need to prioritise your and babys health. Do anything else you can - videos etc but I wouldn't personally even do the window visit as I bet it would be difficult for other family not to pressure you further and also respect your boundaries.

I would go

Masks on
Hand sanitiser
Windows open
Keep your distance
Stay in a hotel

But make sure your hospital bag is in the boot of the car cause 4 hours is a long way at this stage in your pregnancy

I wouldn't do a 4 hour train ride at the moment at 35 weeks pregnant, no. The covid itself is a red herring as you say they are PCR testing her - these tests often remain positive for up to 90 days. It is extremely unlikely that she is actually infectious, like almost zero liklihood.

However it is extremely likely that people on your train would have covid and you cannot keep your mask on all the time, you will require food and drink at some point.

I would ask someone to arrange a video call instead.

Good luck

Are you shielding? Because if you’re not shielding, you are potentially in contact with many people who are just out of isolation and still testing positive. After 10 days you’re free to go even if testing positive. I see how this situation is disturbing and uncomfortable. But I also feel that we have to say goodbye and thank you to our parents, when it’s their time to go. I would go.

Also is OP may give birth at 40-42 weeks too. I’ve been overdue both times. Not everyone go on to have an early labour. What are the risks of that? Is OP at risk? She could be potentially pregnant for almost 2 months more?

No way should you go at 35 weeks pregnant and everyone around you should understand that.

I'd go, and do it ASAP so if you or DH get COVID you will likely be recovered before the birth.

You unfortunately can't completely avoid it as your DH will be needing to see her and other family members regardless of what you yourself do.

@HardbackWriter

Realistically lots and lots of pregnant women are exposed to Covid. When I was at that gestation in my last pregnancy I had a DH working in a secondary school in the middle of a huge outbreak and a child in a nursery, and this was before vaccines were available. I know it feels different to deliberately see someone you know is positive but numbers are still high, there are positive people everywhere you go you just don't know who they are.

That's a good point. Anyone pregnant at the moment and working in a school, hospital or public place (or living with someone who does) is more at risk that you would be visiting your dying MIL.

Personally I'd go, but stay in a hotel rather than with family. And though it would be hard for your DH at this point, maybe ask him to be ultra-cautious and wear and FFP2 when with his family?

If possible, if you need to wear a mask when in MIL's room, and she's on the ground floor, see if you can stand outside the window so you can remove your mask for a minute. She needs to see your face. I do this when I visit my Mum and MIL in their care homes. They need to see 'me' and a warm facial expression. Someone who's not fully well can find it hard to see beyond a mask.

@SilverontheTree

She’s your MIL. Your DH goes obviously- it’s his mother. You don’t.

This

So sorry this sounds awful for you all

YABU

She is dying, of course you go and visit

You can be exposed to COVID while shopping, while on the bus, train, local post office.

If I was your DH I'd be absolutely fuming you hesitated.

YANBU to be anxious but if it were me I would go see her in her final weeks (I don't like my MIL much either).

I would talk to your midwife and see if she thinks its ok, tell her its four hours away and that MIL has had more than ten days since she tested positive. Follow her advise.