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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deliberate covid exposure/dying MiL/34 weeks pg

157 replies

RV12 · 21/01/2022 13:29

My MiL is very suddenly and tragically dying from cancer (diagnosed only 2 months ago). I am 35 weeks pregnant and live 4 hours away. She understandably would like to see me/the bump as there is real sadness that may not make it until the birth and I would like to show her love and support.
The dilemma is she has been testing positive for covid these last 2 weeks, albeit not showing symptoms. There was a negative test yesterday but today another positive - evidently she can't shake it due to immune issues.
I am feeling under pressure to go and visit (and stay with wider family all of whom exposed to it thr her this last week while on caring duties). I am anxious. But I am triple jabbed and healthy. Aibu if I hesitated??

OP posts:
Mummy1608 · 21/01/2022 15:55

@Feduprenter

Blimey… 95% survival rate even for those compromised and unvaccinated and people are suggesting not visiting dying relatives ?
That stat is no longer accurate but even if it were...it's like I used to have to say to my in laws... ambitions run higher than mere survival?!

Op, I wouldn't go if I were you. My late pregnancy and childbirth were so traumatic with complications and problems, I wouldn't risk having covid at the same time. Having any kind of cold etc in late pregnancy is seriously dreadful let alone covid. I remember I could hardly breathe all the time, my lungs were so constricted. And going on such a long train journey, far from your labour ward, isn't a great idea either.

I agree with pps who suggest video calls, nice messages, even send handwritten letters, physical photos in the post.

OfstedOffred · 21/01/2022 15:57

Ffs.
The default option is not (and absolutely should not be) dog ownership

Theyellowflamingo · 21/01/2022 15:58

What a horrible rock and hard place decision. I don’t think there is a good or right answer, only what you feel least uncomfortable with. I’m fairly chilled about covid and I’d go myself in normal circumstances - but no way if I was pregnant, especially not third trimester. Nor would my husband have expected me to.

user68901 · 21/01/2022 15:59

An 8 hour round trip at 35 weeks is nuts .
Sorry about MIL but seeing you with baby bump is not even remotely like meeting her grandchild. All sounds bonkers when COVID is thrown into mix.

UnicornsReal · 21/01/2022 16:00

I would go once ten days have passed.

declutteringmymind · 21/01/2022 16:01

Speak to the midwife and ask her opinion.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/01/2022 16:11

Can you not have a remote conversation? I know its not the same but you have to think of the health of yourself and your baby.
I thought catching covid in the last stages of pregnancy was very risky.
I would not go. I would do a zoom meet or similar.

HairyScaryMonster · 21/01/2022 16:14

Having just been through covid in our household, I would not risk it, it's the family who might be brewing it that's my concern.

Yes it's a bad cold, but the level of fatigue surprised me. I would not want to risk that in late pregnancy, plus the risk of not having your DH at the labour.

taybert · 21/01/2022 16:14

That’s shit, sorry. Only you know your relationship with your MIL and the details of your pregnancy. Personally I would probably go and see her, wearing an FFP3 mask in a ventilated space if possible and stay for a relatively short time. It could be another 7 weeks until you deliver and then you’ll have a newborn. It could be now or never, but only you can decide if you can live with that or not (not a judgement, some would feel content, others not, neither are wrong, depends on a lot of stuff). Go off what you want to do and how you feel though, not the pressure other people are putting on you.

taybert · 21/01/2022 16:19

Hmm, actually just read the bit about the train, that would probably put me off more than the actual visiting MIL bit. 8 hours on a train at 35wk could be a bit much anyway, that actually probably poses a much greater COVID risk than the visit.

erinaceus · 21/01/2022 16:23

YANBU to be hesitant; YANBU whatever you decide.

Can you have a video call with her in the first instance, and see how you feel after that? As others said, you can have multiple video calls whereas a visit will likely be a one off.

kaffkooks · 21/01/2022 16:26

It's a really difficult situation OP Flowers. People who are very unwell with active cancer often struggle to clear coronavirus so can have positive tests for months with no symptons. The research around this is sparse but it seems that there is minimal risk of infection for others. If you want to see her, wear a disposible mask and keep the window open. Hopefully that and your vaccinations will protect you. You could ask your midwife about what would happen if you did catch covid. I know about the cancer covid risk but not much about the risk to pregnant women.

tinkleton · 21/01/2022 16:27

My DM died has cancer last year. She tested positive for 3 months. They kept saying it's just the tests showing up a previous infection. Eventually they discovered due to lack of immune system she actually did have covid all that time - she never shook it off. If it was my DM I would risk it but her child - your DH - will be there for her so you don't need to be. She can't see the baby it's just your bump. I would FaceTime her etc but I would not go to see her as she very well might still have covid and I am really suprised anyone would say otherwise

MotherofTerriers · 21/01/2022 16:29

There's a big chance that members of the wider family will start testing positive this week, which would make your decision clearer.
To be honest I wouldn't risk it. Your husband is going to be devastated by the death of his mother, if you and or the baby are ill, or he can't be with you in labour, it will only add to his grief.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/01/2022 16:29

@HairyScaryMonster

Having just been through covid in our household, I would not risk it, it's the family who might be brewing it that's my concern.

Yes it's a bad cold, but the level of fatigue surprised me. I would not want to risk that in late pregnancy, plus the risk of not having your DH at the labour.

Plus the risk of omicron to your new baby if you go into labour.
SwayingInTime · 21/01/2022 16:29

I'm a midwife and genuinely shocked by the number of posters suggesting that you should go.

SeaToSki · 21/01/2022 16:31

"But can't bear the thought of being felt as unsupportive/selfish over it all "

This isn't a good enough reason to go OP. If that is your biggest pull to visiting, then I would stay at home and grit your teeth about any judgement - you could equally be worried about your midwives judging you for putting their health at risk for exposing yourself when you know you are close to giving birth/risking you and your babies health.

Its a slippery slope when you make decisions based on other people's judgement of you.

I would suggest you write a list of pros and cons and work through them with your DP. He may decide that he doesnt want to risk missing the birth of his baby if you or he catches it - but you might need to point that possibility out. I would also look at the covid policies of the maternity unit you are booked into. What will happen if you, DH or baby test positive. Work with facts and data as much as you can.

Then make a decision based on the knowledge that there is not a "right' decision. You are just going to do the best you can with the facts and emotions that you have. Anyone who wants to judge you for that can take a hike until they have walked a mile in your shoes.

Teddybar · 21/01/2022 16:32

DH goes and you facetime or something? I wouldn't want to be that far away from home heavily pregnant regardless of covid, but absolutely it's right her son goes.

tinkleton · 21/01/2022 16:33

And I have to say I am really concerned by all these people saying she won't be infectious. That is factually incorrect - I have experienced this first hand, people having chemo like my mother are still infectious. I will also add my friend who is a midwife has actually said the number of complications during births due to covid has risen substantially.

georgarina · 21/01/2022 16:33

I personally would absolutely go. Take all precautions but this is a dying woman you have a good relationship with. You won't get the chance again.

notafraidofthebigbadwolf · 21/01/2022 16:34

Well I'm shocked by the number of people thinking that facetime will work with someone who is so sick with cancer that they are at home in a hospital bed. It doesn't work for the person with cancer.

Roselilly36 · 21/01/2022 16:34

I would go, your DH mum is dying, he will need support & lots of it.

I am CEV, I didn’t think twice about seeing my MIL in her final hours, it was a very upsetting visit for DH, DS’ & me.

MIL had gone downhill very quickly, COVID didn’t even figure in our minds, we all had to see her, kiss her and show how much we all loved her. It was heartbreaking for us all.

Motherdare · 21/01/2022 16:36

Unless you are struggling at this stage of pregnancy, I would go. A short visit that will mean a lot to her and to you (in the fullness of time). You can take precautions to keep safe and I would book into a hotel and be completely independent of wider family.

Sorry you are dealing with this at what should be a happy time.

tinkleton · 21/01/2022 16:36

@TheSnowyOwl that's exactly what they said about my mother - at first. She was cured of the cancer - the covid three months in was what killed her. What you have said is not true and it's pretty dangerous to say things like that that are not factual

Crucible · 21/01/2022 16:40

If it were me I would not go. At this late stage I'd want to be near my home and hospital. Too many reports of staff shortages in NHS for me to risk anything else at all possibly going wrong - and to be honest the journey would put me off too. It's too much pressure on a heavily pregnant woman. Bow out, with a bad back, do zoom calls. Your baby is fragile, so your making the decision for a vulnerable human there too, who cannot speak up.

Whatever you decide, good luck and only you know in the end what to do.