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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deliberate covid exposure/dying MiL/34 weeks pg

157 replies

RV12 · 21/01/2022 13:29

My MiL is very suddenly and tragically dying from cancer (diagnosed only 2 months ago). I am 35 weeks pregnant and live 4 hours away. She understandably would like to see me/the bump as there is real sadness that may not make it until the birth and I would like to show her love and support.
The dilemma is she has been testing positive for covid these last 2 weeks, albeit not showing symptoms. There was a negative test yesterday but today another positive - evidently she can't shake it due to immune issues.
I am feeling under pressure to go and visit (and stay with wider family all of whom exposed to it thr her this last week while on caring duties). I am anxious. But I am triple jabbed and healthy. Aibu if I hesitated??

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercupisyum · 21/01/2022 15:11

I’d go. Even if you caught covid (which you almost certainly won’t as she’s had it a while and you can distance) you are far away enough from your due date that you won’t have it during labour and won’t have to isolate. I had no 4 a few weeks ago and due to having lots of children I came into contact with covid so many times in my last trimester, both with my own dc and loads of their friends. I dint know whether I caught it but all as fine and tbh at the hospital the covid test was so half arsed, the tonsil swipe basically tickled my tongue. I’m thinking they really don’t want to separate women in labour from their birth partners, which is what happens if you have covid.

Anyway yes, I’d go

AliveAndSleeping · 21/01/2022 15:13

@RV12

Thanks all.

She can't leave the house - but is on a hospital bed in downstairs room so yes window is an option.
She keeps being tested because keeps needing hospital visits for various things - and is either recatching it there or their mandatory tests are flashing it up.
I will be trying to stay somewhere else - but then it's somewhat fruitless as the H will obv want supper/more contact etc with wider family while visiting.
There is no nasty "pressure/demands"- but they are just a very warm and loving family- and I don't want to be the cold/unreasonable one adding pain at a difficult time (although yes- the long journey also fills me with horror and whole train in normal times would be the solution presents it's own covid fears now!)

I see. In that case I'd meet her from outside the window. It's not a trip that has to be fruitful or productive or.optimised. She is dying and wants to see you. If there is any way you can go without exposing yourself to covid then I'd do it even if under other circumstances it wouldn't have made much sense.

You sound like a lovely family by the way. All the best for the rest.of.your pregnancy. Flowers

AliveAndSleeping · 21/01/2022 15:15

Sorry just reread your post. Do you have to go by train? That changes my opinion again. I'm not sure I would. Is driving a possibility and if not could you take a cab (if you can afford it)? What complicated times we live in. Sad

ShinyHappyPoster · 21/01/2022 15:20

You have to protect yourself and the baby. Your MIL wouldn't want to put you or the baby at risk. And your DH is already having to process losing his DM, he doesn't need guilt for exposing you and the baby to Covid. Plus if you go to see MIL, you will then spend the time afterwards worrying that you have caught Covid.

I'd let your DH go and do whatever he wants to do with no restrictions or conditions. When you're losing a parent, you need to make those decisions for yourself. He can always isolate and take lfts when he comes home.

I'm sorry this is happening Flowers

Rainbowsandstorms · 21/01/2022 15:24

I’m so sorry about your MIL. If you decide to go I’d wear a really good quality mask, the 3m fpp3 aura ones provide brilliant protection and sadly I’d avoid contact with wider family, who have been exposed, to protect yourself and your baby and agree that your husband does the same too. While covid generally is fairly mild when triple jabbed you’re in a high risk group and if you do catch it it’ll complicate your care in the run up to your birth and mild doesn’t mean that you won’t feel unwell with it.

beachbum85 · 21/01/2022 15:25

I'm so sorry OP, this is such a sad situation to be in and I'm sorry you and your family are in this situation.

I'm currently pregnant and my MIL is terminally ill, not close to death as such, but in your situation I'd go. Like others have said, I'd take the usual precautions whilst visiting, and I'd explain to my DP that I couldn't be in contact with the wider family... so just visit her alone, stay in a hotel, avoid group dinners, etc. It's been a while since she first tested positive and there are plenty of ways to reduce the risk to yourself and your baby.

I say this because I know that, personally, I'd regret not going, but it's your and your DP's choice and I hope your DP's family will be understanding no matter what you decide xx

Huntswomanonthemove · 21/01/2022 15:26

@Ahalam

I would prioritise the health of a mother and unborn baby over a dying person, every time.
This is my view.
Hullabaloo31 · 21/01/2022 15:26

I don't understand why you think she's recatching it or still has it. It's known you can test positive for ages afterwards, hence the no testing for 90 days thing. Anyone else would be free after their 10 days and out in circulation again. They don't all have covid and you probably come across some of those people every day.

MerryMarigold · 21/01/2022 15:26

I'd go. Of course, it's your choice, but I think all things considered the risks are minimal (and as PP pointed out, the car trip is probably higher risk in terms of an accident!). I think if it's something she's asked for and she doesn't have long, it's a small thing to give. She probably wants to feel the bump, and maybe give a blessing even if it's just in her head, I would.

MadameGazelleBand · 21/01/2022 15:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2022 15:30

@Whitefire

Go, see her, don't have regrets.

But stay at a hotel rather than at someone's (and take all your notes, hospital bag and car seat)

This.

I'd go but time it so it's quiet. It's been 14 days at least? When would you be likely to go to see her if there was no covid?

HardbackWriter · 21/01/2022 15:33

Realistically lots and lots of pregnant women are exposed to Covid. When I was at that gestation in my last pregnancy I had a DH working in a secondary school in the middle of a huge outbreak and a child in a nursery, and this was before vaccines were available. I know it feels different to deliberately see someone you know is positive but numbers are still high, there are positive people everywhere you go you just don't know who they are.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 21/01/2022 15:37

@Ahalam

I would prioritise the health of a mother and unborn baby over a dying person, every time.
This. It's awful and such a difficult situation but seeing your round belly is really not that exciting. You could go to a private 3D scan and video call her for it. But no I wouldn't be visiting a person with covid while pregnant. Or doing a 4hr drive for that matter.

It's awful to say but she'll die either way, why add risk to yours and your babies health for nothing?

notafraidofthebigbadwolf · 21/01/2022 15:40

Oh crikey, what a mess. I lost my mum from cancer this year, so I know what it is like to want to go and sit with them and hold hands.
I think that personally, I would be afraid of DH catching covid as well as you catching it. If he gets it and is refused entry to the hospital it will be so, so sad. This is an irreplaceable moment in time for you both.
But there is a smart PP who was thinking sensibly about the time you have before your due date. You need to go ASAP, both of you. It's better for DMIL, and if either of you get it, more opportunity to be over it before the due date. Go, have the most meaningful time you can, then go and shower and change in your hotel room. Talk about how you'll be back to visit as soon as you can with your lovely newborn.

EatYourVegetables · 21/01/2022 15:41

I would absolutely not go.

If you are missing her and contact, you can talk every day - Facetime or Zoom, or text, or phone. Send presents.

Do not risk your life or your child’s to please other people.

cptartapp · 21/01/2022 15:42

I wouldn't go. And surely she wouldn't allow you to under the circumstances??!

BabycakesMatlala · 21/01/2022 15:43

@tabulahrasa summed it up; you don't test after ten days because the test is just catching dead virus that's still present - doesn't mean you're still infectious. That's why a PCR isn't reliable for 90 days post-covid.

There's absolutely no reason not to see her if it's been over two weeks now. If you're concerned, wear a decent N95 mask, which would give you good protection anyway, and make sure windows are open. But would be a massive shame to miss a last visit based on the wrong scientific info.

Feduprenter · 21/01/2022 15:43

Blimey… 95% survival rate even for those compromised and unvaccinated and people are suggesting not visiting dying relatives ?

Millionairesshortbreadshort · 21/01/2022 15:44

Flowers what a horrible situation and choice to have. No easy answer here. I think PP have said prioritise you and baby and I’m inclined to agree. But, at the end of the day you need to feel at peace with your decision. So sorry you are n this situation OP.

WouldBeGood · 21/01/2022 15:47

Oh, gosh @RV12 what a horrible situation.

I’m very gung ho when it comes to Covid, but I think in your circumstances I wouldn’t go.

It will be exhausting and stressful, even without the whole Covid thing! You really need to look after you and your baby.

HardbackWriter · 21/01/2022 15:47

It's awful to say but she'll die either way, why add risk to yours and your babies health for nothing?

Yeah, I do think that's pretty awful to be honest. I don't think OP should go if she doesn't feel comfortable doing so, but doing something that would bring some joy to a woman who's dying really isn't 'nothing'.

shedevill · 21/01/2022 15:49

Please go. Please. Please. Your mother in law is dying. This is her dying wish. There is no turning back the clock. Please let her see the hope of new life at the end of her own. Not a question. Take precautions by all means, wear a mask, but honestly everything about this variant is mild, my elderly grandma just had it and was virtually symptomless.

theremustonlybeone · 21/01/2022 15:50

I have covid, it was pretty awful for a few days with a high temperature, sore throat and continuous cough. I am fully vaccinated and boosted and still felt awful.

Its too early to say what impact you catching covid would have on your unborn. But visitng someone who is positive isnt a risk I would take. I would just wait until she is testing negative for a few days in a row.

Cantleave · 21/01/2022 15:53

Op, don’t go, you need to prioritise you and your unborn child.

It’s so sad to hear how ill your mil is, and must be awful for all the family, but can’t you just FaceTime her? Perhaps say that you have been advised not to make such a long journey at this stage of your pregnancy. I think if you spoke to your midwife, she would advise against putting yourself in this situation, with the travel and Covid risk it involves. I’m sure your mil would want you and her future grandchild to stay safe.

Im2022 · 21/01/2022 15:53

I’d go, but follow all precautions. You’re triple vaccinated, you will be wearing a mask and your MIL should not be contagious now. Wear gloves or use copious amounts of sanitizer. Windows open.

Honestly, seeing you and your bump might bring some small amount of calm and joy to your dying MIL, and maybe the whole family.