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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be happy with this sleepover?

135 replies

Notagoodtime · 21/01/2022 03:15

Dd is 12 and has been invited on a sleepover at a new friends house with 5 others. They are going to be staying in her friends parents holiday annex which is next door to the main house. This has made me feel a little uneasy but I am overprotective so wondering how others would feel.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/01/2022 08:32

And for those saying 14/15 for this kind of thing … I presume you wouldn’t be happy with them going off on their first holiday with mates at 16? They need to gradually have freedom from 11+ IMO.

Sparklingbrook · 21/01/2022 08:34

@BigSandyBalls2015

The thing is once they start secondary school you don’t have the same involvement and don’t meet parents generally … so there’s always going to be ‘new friends’.
Yes, the DSs went to sleepovers all over the place once they started High School. All the friends were new, you are no longer going out for coffee with the Mums from primary and making cosy little playdate arrangements.
BuanoKubiamVej · 21/01/2022 08:34

Is the group definitely single-sex?

SmallestInTheClass · 21/01/2022 08:36

I'd be fine with it being an annexe of the same house. I'd be more wary if it was a separate building though.

Lucycantdance · 21/01/2022 08:41

@lollipoprainbow

No way, I'm always haunted by the Sophie hook murder.
Oh my god I just googled it and wish I hadn’t 😭
SofiaAmes · 21/01/2022 08:41

My dd saved her friend's mum's life at 12. She had the common sense to call an ambulance as the mum was having an allergic reaction to a bee sting while saying everything was fine. Dd could see that everything might not be fine and called an ambulance and the mum ended up going into full anaphylactic shock in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. However, despite that level of common sense, there were definitely homes (forget about attached or detached) where dd was not allowed to spend the night at any age. One home in particular had a violent alcoholic father, deceased mother, teenage son with severe depression who had not left the home in 6 months, and teenage daughter who was constantly threatening suicide if my dd didn't come over to keep her company (and had been hospitalized for a suicide attempt on 2 occasions). I would just tell dd that I wasn't comfortable with her having to make adult decisions for the children and adults around her even if she was capable of doing so.

LadyPropane · 21/01/2022 08:41

I think it depends on what the Annex is like and where it is in relation to the house, the area etc.

Have you been to their house before?

I would possibly be ok with this but I would want to see the set up first.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/01/2022 08:42

Not a separate building without adults in it- no!

elliesmummy19 · 21/01/2022 08:43

I wouldn't mind this.

Sparklingbrook · 21/01/2022 08:46

Sophie Hook was 7 years old and was camping in the garden. I remember the case well, it was absolutely dreadful. But it is no way comparable to what the OP is describing here.

Exhausteddog · 21/01/2022 08:46

Both my kids have done sleepovers in a tent in the garden from a similar age. There are high hedges/fences around the garden and a 6ft locked gate at the side. I leave a lamp out there and the back door unlocked and they can come in for the loo, or if they need anything.Im a very light sleeper and our bedroom overlooks the garden. A "sleepover" normally contains very little sleep. I know this because I can normally hear them laughing , chatting and coming in for the loo on an hourly basis!
None have fallen out, had fights, tried to leave or engaged in dangerous behaviour. However I let parents know in advance and ask if they are comfortable with the arrangements. In 6 years of those kind of parties, one girl has asked to leave (and I took her home) and one who was originally not staying, begged her parents to let her come back and stay.

ANameChangeAgain · 21/01/2022 08:49

Probably much safer than most Scouting and Guiding camps my children attended. I would just speak to the parents and make sure it isn't going to be a free for all, but otherwise I would be fine.

hangrylady · 21/01/2022 08:50

Yes I'd be fine with this. Sounds great fun.

Abraxan · 21/01/2022 08:52

@Forrandomposts

What's the difference between this and leaving them home alone for the night with neighbours next door?
In the case of DD's friend:
  • house door was directly opposite the annex door, separated by about 4/5 steps or a pavement width.
  • within the same garden
  • within the same enclosed and secure piece of land, surrounded by fencing and secure electric gates
  • annex house was away from view of gates/street and behind the main house
mrsm43s · 21/01/2022 08:55

I'm quite amused by the people saying they wouldn't allow this at 12, but would at 14/15. In my experience a group of 14/15 year olds is far more likely to get into issues staying alone in a house together than a group of 12 year olds. 14/15 year olds are more likely to smuggle in alcohol/boys/e-cigs etc. A bunch of 12 year olds will probably just watch movies, chatter and stay up all night.

Assuming the house is up to safe holiday let standards with fire alarms etc, and that parents were in the main house and available to be called if the girls needed them, and were going to do a check before bed that the girls were happy and the house locked up etc, I'd actually be fine with this at 12.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/01/2022 08:58

The reason we all remember Sophie Hook many years on is because that kind of thing is so incredibly rare.

justustwoandmoo · 21/01/2022 09:00

Yeah I'd be fine with this. I'd assume that the parents would pop back and forth to check on them. They'd all have phone on them and it's a stones throw away from the main house. Don't quite see the problem if I'm honest

nitsandwormsdodger · 21/01/2022 09:05

Id be more concerned about puking after too much pop and sweets and candles / cooking
Leaving door open
Only You know if your lad and his friends are likely going to experiment with drink or drugs?

Ask your son what the plans are

Staryflight445 · 21/01/2022 09:05

It depends on your daughters personality I suppose as to whether I’d allow this?

For example- does she know how to keep herself safe in an environment that may turn out not to be as friendly as she anticipated?

Suzanne999 · 21/01/2022 09:07

I’d have thought 11/12 is a better age to do this than 14/15. Boys and alcohol less likely to be involved.
As long as the building has the smoke alarms and locks you’d e pact any house to have I’m sure they’ll be fine and have a great time.

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2022 09:09

I agree that you need to start giving them sensible freedoms at age 11. The only part I would be slightly uncertain on is the new friends bit but other than that if you dont give them the ability to do these things now by the time they reach 15/16 they wont have the experience

We are having a loft extension which for DDs 13th birthday should be complete but empty and she will have 5 friends to sleepover. But I am choosing her old Primary school friends she has known since she was in Pre School and Reception because I know them. Her high school friends I neither know so well or the parents so it is trickier

Sparklingbrook · 21/01/2022 09:11

In my experience at 15/16 they had grown out of sleepovers altogether.

girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 09:13

@Sparklingbrook

In my experience at 15/16 they had grown out of sleepovers altogether.
Anything after 14 where we told our parents we were at a sleepover meant we were all out getting drunk somewhere and gave each other alibis...
WhenTheyComeForYou · 21/01/2022 09:16

Personally I'd be fine with the annex if I knew the kids/parents well.

But given they're new friends I'd feel a bit uneasy. Does she have a phone you can text to check she's ok periodically?

KurtWilde · 21/01/2022 09:16

Clearly I've been doing it wrong because mine started sleepovers at 6/7.

So no, at 12 this wouldn't bother me.

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