Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you be happy with this sleepover?

135 replies

Notagoodtime · 21/01/2022 03:15

Dd is 12 and has been invited on a sleepover at a new friends house with 5 others. They are going to be staying in her friends parents holiday annex which is next door to the main house. This has made me feel a little uneasy but I am overprotective so wondering how others would feel.

OP posts:
Lollipop858 · 21/01/2022 07:47

Ask for clarification from the parents about whether the annex has CCTV and an alarm system. If it does then it’s not such an issue really, especially if there is quick access into the main house and adults. I think parental clarification is needed for you to decide.

My daughter who is 12, almost 13 has sleepovers with her boy mate all the time, supervised obviously but I’d never stop this because he’s her best friend. Different if it’s a boyfriend obviously.

TeenPlusCat · 21/01/2022 07:48

@BigSandyBalls2015

Yep I’d be fine with that. You’ve got to let them do things … for those saying no, at what age would you allow this?
14 or 15 with a group of well established friends who I knew and trusted? Single sex group only.
Abraxan · 21/01/2022 07:48

Dd did this at 11y.

Friends house had a small two bedroom house in the garden. It was very very close to the main house and used as an office type space much of the time iirr. But had bedrooms and 'living' space for guests.

Doors to the main house and the annex faced one another and were a pavement width apart. The garden was entirely enclosed with large high electric gates and high fencing around the whole garden. The whole garden and houses were very well secured.

Parents checked in on them regularly until early hours and there were smoke alarms etc. installed. All had mobile phones so communication wasn't an issue either.

Esspee · 21/01/2022 07:49

It would be a no from me.

Sparklingbrook · 21/01/2022 07:49

4. They might decide to invite boys over, who bring older boys

Confused
ahcmonnow · 21/01/2022 07:54

I would have no problem, I am sure the parents will be checking and will not just throw them into the annex and forget about them. I am literally shocked that some parents do not allow sleepovers at this age at all. It's a huge part of growing up and imagine how the kids feel being the only ones never allowed go stay overnight at a friend's house. Lighten up people.

MargaretThursday · 21/01/2022 07:54

If you're worried about them accessing things on their phones that are inappropriate then they don't need to be in a different house to do that, they don't even need to be at a sleepover to do that.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/01/2022 07:56

@BlondeDogLady I’ve got DDs and they had plenty of sleepovers and I don’t recognise any of that behaviour Grin

goldfluffyclouds · 21/01/2022 07:58

would very much depend on the kids, have they done playdates, how have they behaved, and how the parents are...
my older daughter - no way - too many tricky issues in the friendship group that i wouldn't be comfortable if its difficult to get an adult in case of problems
younger daughter - no problem with her current friendship group - they would have no problem contacting an adult if needed and are sensible enough to know when to do it...

idiotmagnet · 21/01/2022 07:58

@malificent7

Am i doing something wrong...dd has bern having sleepovers from 6...( the popcorn and haribo type...not booze and boys,).
So has mine. She once had a nightmare and i had to collect her in the middle of the night, but apart from that it's been fine.
ffscovid · 21/01/2022 08:02

@BigSandyBalls2015

Yep I’d be fine with that. You’ve got to let them do things … for those saying no, at what age would you allow this?
Probably 14/15+ if I knew the majority of the girls and felt that my own DD was sensible enough.
idiotmagnet · 21/01/2022 08:02

I'd be ok with it but would expect one of the parents to be popping in every now and then. I would also expect the odd text from dd to say that all was well and that nobody was being left out etc etc.

Ragwort · 21/01/2022 08:03

No problem at all, I used to be in scouting and 12 year olds would regularly go camping without a leader. We took Beaver Scouts (age 6-8) camping ... in theory I suppose someone could have broken into a tent and 'stolen' one of the DC whilst the other DC and leaders were asleep .... but it never happened. Surely you assess the risks ... most sleepovers are just good fun for the kids.

Landof · 21/01/2022 08:05

I don't see any issue with this at all?! At 12 they are Yr 7/ 8. What is it you're worried about?

Bagamoyo1 · 21/01/2022 08:08

I wouldn’t be happy with this.

Partly because of the (admittedly unlikely) risk of someone breaking in. But mainly because kids that age sometimes need adults, and if they were across a dark creepy garden it would be harder for them to get to the adults. I’m not just thinking about proper serious stuff like illness etc, but smaller things - arguments, being upset - kids get emotional at times and sleepovers can be a tricky dynamic. I just feel that at that age, they need an adult close by just in case.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/01/2022 08:09

Absolutely fine with me

WhatNoRaisins · 21/01/2022 08:10

We didn't have smartphones but we did look at some pretty inappropriate stuff on the computer at sleepovers. I don't see why them being in the house would make any difference to be fair.

How far away is this annexe? I'd have thought you'd still be able to hear them somewhat, most teens make a right racket at sleepovers. I remember parents in my day resorting to ear plugs to try and shut it out.

Ginandplatonic · 21/01/2022 08:10

What could happen?

1. Someone could sneak drink in
2. They might leave the house
3. If an intruder did get in, nothing can be heard by the parents
4. They might decide to invite boys over, who bring older boys

  1. Aliens might come down in their spaceship and abduct them.

Honestly you can’t live your life, and more to the point force your children to live their lives, under this constant cloud of anxiety and terror of dreadful but incredibly rare events like stranger abduction.

FawnFrenchieMum · 21/01/2022 08:12

I’d be ok with this, much safer then camping in the garden which lots of kids / teens do.

Forrandomposts · 21/01/2022 08:12

What's the difference between this and leaving them home alone for the night with neighbours next door?

Bluebluemoon39 · 21/01/2022 08:22

We have a "granny annexe" in the garden that they've all had sleepovers in from age about 12.

It is at the back of the garden though and can only be accessed via the front garden so very safe.

I do think you're being a bit over the top. They all have phones nowadays and the parents will presumably be a stones throw away?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 21/01/2022 08:27

This would trouble me if it’s a totally separate house.

The potential problems as I see it would be the opportunity for them to egg each other on to risky behaviours, or to the extent that one or more becomes very upset. If an adult is present in the house there is an opportunity for early intervention (alerted by commotion/noise/smell whatever). Also the knowledge of the presence of an adult in itself is likely a limiting factor upon behaviour.

In my view, however “sensible” individual (or pairs) of 12 year olds might be, the combination of 5 different personalities and the heady sense of freedom that they would have in such circumstances could lead to bother.

Do I think it’s more likely than not things will be fine? Yes l, on balance, I do. But do I think there is a risk something “bad” might happen? Yes to that too.

If this sleepover was on my property I’d hole up in the annex on my own from late evening with a book. The slightly trickier issue is whether, despite it bothering me, I’d let my own DD go. I’d definitely speak to the parents and find out how much checking in there will be and what the methods of communication will be between the 2 houses.

And my decision would ultimately depend on my conversation with DD. I don’t as a parent necessarily rule out all activities that carry risk. I try to mitigate the risk and then find ways of dealing with them should they arise. It’s a balance between acknowledging the risks of the proposed event v the detriment to not going. And in evaluating that latter, emotional and psychological welfare is very important. If this new friendship is very important and the event is very dear to your DD’s heart I might still allow her to go (despite my misgivings) once I had ascertained the detail of the arrangements in place and made plans with her as to how she will keep in touch and/or summon the householders/you if necessary.

marriednotdead · 21/01/2022 08:28

I wouldn't. The words 'new friend' mean there is no track record or knowledge of her parents and their style of managing kids.

I made that mistake once, bear in mind DS was a fairly naive 15 year old. Spoke to the mum who assured me that there would be no alcohol allowed and that boys and girls would be in separate parts of the house overnight with parental supervision. She actually bought them vodka herself and DS ended up sharing a room with 3 girls and getting miserably drunk, having never had alcohol before. It still makes me mad thinking about it.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/01/2022 08:30

The thing is once they start secondary school you don’t have the same involvement and don’t meet parents generally … so there’s always going to be ‘new friends’.

Sparklingbrook · 21/01/2022 08:32

@Ginandplatonic

What could happen?

1. Someone could sneak drink in
2. They might leave the house
3. If an intruder did get in, nothing can be heard by the parents
4. They might decide to invite boys over, who bring older boys

  1. Aliens might come down in their spaceship and abduct them.

Honestly you can’t live your life, and more to the point force your children to live their lives, under this constant cloud of anxiety and terror of dreadful but incredibly rare events like stranger abduction.

Thank you for being the voice of reason. The first 3 could well happen while the parents are asleep upstairs. Not sure about number 4 especially the bringing older boys bit, what an odd thought.