To think he was rude, disrespectful and plain bad mannered

[flamers]

I thought about writing this as a reverse but to be straight up is easier and less confusing!
I am a busy single mum of three. I commute 70 miles per day and work full time. I'm in a relationship of 18 months. We live 40 mins apart and see each other each week normally at weekends and spend the whole or eow together.
I suggested yesterday evening that we meet and have dinner. I literally had three free hours. He was fairly relaxed and said why not.
We met twenty mins away and I offered to treat him to dinner.
From when we met he was tired( persistently tired at 50) moody, irritated and just not in any way warm or excited to see me. This man has no
Responsibility to anyone except for getting
Himself up every day and going to work.
We ate,I paid. I found myself tensing up and feeling that old friend, dread and discomfort.
We went for a walk. He spent that ten minutes trying to fix some app on his phone.
At that stage, I thought fuck this, I'm off.
I left. He text to say thanks when we each got to our respective homes. I was so Fucked off at that stage, that I didn't bother to reply.
He always tests to say goodnight but text this morning to say he fell
Asleep straight away.
I'm really fucking annoyed. Normally he is loving, supportive and caring.
Now I feel that he expects this of me and is not appreciative of my efforts. I am
Very giving but so is he normally.
Am I blowing this up or rightly fucked off.
Atm I told him I want time to work out exactly what I want as I found his behaviour last night rude, unmannerly and nonchalant.

I don't know what your actual problem is. He is funny, generous and kind, and you enjoy spending time with him.
But at the same time he's easily tired,and has aches no pains. Well that's what happens when you age and you live on your own with time to think about it. As I get older, when I come in from work, I just want to flop on the settee and not go out. I have huge lie-ins at the weekend.

So is this about you not thinking he's lively enough for you? Or the fact he fiddled with his phone on one night out? To be honest, you don't sound fun, you sound a bit of a grouch.

I think you need to pull him up on his behaviour re fiddling with his phone on your date: it was rude and disrespectful. However, given he is already settling into middle age with limited energy levels and aches and pains, it isn't going to get any better with time is it? It sounds like you'd be better off as friends rather than partners. There may only be 6 years between you but it probably feels more like 20.

Is it possible that he is feeling down, worried about something you could ask him what is wrong, I find that often helps.

Look, I seethe resentfully with the best of them, but I don’t know what you’re expecting people to say, except talk to him.

My reaction to his utter shitness wouldn’t be to come on MN and ask for advice, it would be to say to him there and then, ‘what the eff is up, what happened tonight was really was not OK’.

What's the real problem here ? Deal with that

You just don’t sound completely compatible tbh. He doesn’t sound like a bad person or has done anything wrong, you are just not compatible. So without making out he’s in the wrong, as there is no right or wrong here, just wish him well with life and call it a day without any hard feelings.

I actually don't think he sounds that bad. I think tbh you're coming across worse with the things you post, so you clearly don't like him, let someone else get with him. I think him going shopping for just the item he needs is a great thing. I get bored just walking around the shops for hours. Everyone is allowed an off night and I fail to see why he has a victim complex from your posts.

@flamers

To stop making an effort 18 months in when we only have a ful eow for me isn't a runner. I love life. My life is shit hard but isn't everybody's? The idea of him settling into slippers and a pipe at nearly 50 eow ain't attractive. Not having energy for sex is getting boring at this age. Whinging about everything... Sorry but if I wanted to be with an 80 year old, I would have chosen that. What do I do next? Bother talking or just walk?

For goodness sake just end it then. You sound like you can’t stand him.

You are in the situation where you find some of his qualities are exactly what you want but the downsides are starting to outweigh them.

The trouble with when you bin someone like him is you pine for the bits you did like and the bad stuff goes to the back of your head.

Luckily, in general, the ick comes along and sorts it for you OP. You are just slightly pre full on ick that is all. Do nothing. Wait. The ick is on it's way and there is NO way of going back from the ick. Once you have full on ick, all the stuff you have posted here will seem irrelevant and you will wonder whatever it was that took your fancy in the first place.

I was in a similar position. I thought I was in love with him but then gradually realised that his downsides were proper scunners. The ick arrived and I could barely look at him. Just the fact that he was breathing made me irrationally repulsed. All of this was many many years ago. I see him now and again and I just see him as a mass of bad habits and magnified irritations to the point I can still barely look at him. Sadly he thinks I am like this because I lurves him!

@JDaytona

What does he add to your life?

And what do you bring to his life, OP?

OP...each one of your posts contradicts the one before...in one, he's wonderful, loving, kind, and you get on well...but in the next one, you apparently despise everything about him 🤦‍♀️

It can't be both...so which one is it??? It actually sounds like two entirely different threads have met each other and made a 'mash-up'...extremely confusing 🤦‍♀️

You're looking for validation to end a relationship. Be honest! You don't need validation from us though...you can end a relationship at any time for any reason. Just be honest about that reason...don't make excuses and make people feel shit about themselves for it, if it's simply that you've outgrown it!

Your relationship isn’t going to work because you’re incompatible.

He sounds pretty typical of most men of his age, whereas you’re wanting him to act more like a man twenty years younger.

You don’t sound as though you like him very much; you’re very scathing in your descriptions of him.

You want someone with more oomph, so either trade him in for a younger model or next time choose an alpha male.

OP after 18 months you would surely know if you like him or not. Even after 6 months of seeing him you should have grown fond enough of him that you could have some empathy for him and understanding. Nothing hes done sounds that bad. If you cant accept him as he is then I think you do need to move on.

Try a younger man OP, he's in his fifties

if he just wants to sleep at the weekend, that would put me off

Well from what you're saying you sound like you don't like him very much at all any more so yes I think you should both find someone more compatible.

Thanks for all the responses. He is both wonderful and kind and lots of nice things but he has lost any interest in getting up and doing things. He would happily stay in bed all weekend long and everything is an effort.

I wonder if a lot of the people on here are younger than fifty and somehow think it's normal to give up at that age...

Anyway, I had some aches and pains when I reached that age (I thought it was normal - didn't moan about it but felt it!). Anyway it turned out I didn't need the doctor - no wonder people can't get an appointment as people think they can cure everything - I just needed to do some exercise. As soon as I started doing Pilates/yoga/swimming I lost all the aches and pains.

I'm a lot older than your partner but I still manage to have a social life. I might not be able to go out three nights in a row, but he doesn't have to do that, he can rest when he's at his, and make a bit more effort when he's at yours.

The thing that would get to me is that he's unwilling to compromise. If he was willing to have one lively night out a week, or active day time activity that he wholeheartedly takes part in (rather than faffing on his phone) I suspect you'd feel happier about it.

He's unlikely to change OP though and this will continue to make you feel worse. Not all fifty year olds want to just sit on the sofa all the time. My youngest was nine at that age, so that wasn't really an option!

I'd give him a chance to make more effort, explain how you feel about it and try and find a compromise. But if he continues to think there's nothing wrong with his behaviour, you might need to let him go.

@flamers I’m still confused what your problem is with his shopping?

You say he's selfish but also that after his kids you are his priority - how is that selfish?
Shopping he buys one thing then home - what else should be be buying?

You sound angry and resentful that he doesn't have 3 kids to look after and a long commute. You sound angry and resentful that he has aches and pains.

Either lay your cards on the table and tell him what you'd like to be different to see if he's up for it, or just break up with him, but he's not going to transform or his won accord and that's not a character failing.

I think sone nights you are just tired and want to chill.

Abs if you are told you must see the other person for only 3 hours, for a meal out, it's hard to be suddenly "on". Probably s night for a takeaway and watch a bit of tv at his house instead.

Me and DH are mid 50s and we aren’t tired all the time with aches and pains! He needs to see a GP.
He’s not old! He’s far too young to be behaving like a grumpy old man.

@flamers

Thanks for all the responses. He is both wonderful and kind and lots of nice things but he has lost any interest in getting up and doing things. He would happily stay in bed all weekend long and everything is an effort.

He sounds either depressed or he’s not that into you.

@BigSandyBalls2015

Me and DH are mid 50s and we aren’t tired all the time with aches and pains! He needs to see a GP. He’s not old! He’s far too young to be behaving like a grumpy old man.

What do you think the GP is going to do? I am genuinely amazed that people think a GP can cure people of aches and pains.

For me the main issue would be the constant ‘poor me’ victim mentality and the fact that ‘everything is someone else’s fault’.

These aren’t good traits in a partner at all.

It is hard to keep sprightly as we age, I’m 43 with an arthritic hip and knees, waiting for surgery so can’t do loads but I am making an effort to do what I can to prevent it getting worse.

I don’t think the GP can do a lot for age related aches and pains, but if the fatigue is new and impacting on functioning I think blood work would be indicated.

That’s his business though really, not much you can do except explain what you want from a partner and give him a chance to shape up or ship out - or not.

As pp said, this is why I dated younger guys since getting divorced - men do become very pipe and slippers much sooner than women.