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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he was rude, disrespectful and plain bad mannered

137 replies

flamers · 20/01/2022 19:17

I thought about writing this as a reverse but to be straight up is easier and less confusing!
I am a busy single mum of three. I commute 70 miles per day and work full time. I'm in a relationship of 18 months. We live 40 mins apart and see each other each week normally at weekends and spend the whole or eow together.
I suggested yesterday evening that we meet and have dinner. I literally had three free hours. He was fairly relaxed and said why not.
We met twenty mins away and I offered to treat him to dinner.
From when we met he was tired( persistently tired at 50) moody, irritated and just not in any way warm or excited to see me. This man has no
Responsibility to anyone except for getting
Himself up every day and going to work.
We ate,I paid. I found myself tensing up and feeling that old friend, dread and discomfort.
We went for a walk. He spent that ten minutes trying to fix some app on his phone.
At that stage, I thought fuck this, I'm off.
I left. He text to say thanks when we each got to our respective homes. I was so Fucked off at that stage, that I didn't bother to reply.
He always tests to say goodnight but text this morning to say he fell
Asleep straight away.
I'm really fucking annoyed. Normally he is loving, supportive and caring.
Now I feel that he expects this of me and is not appreciative of my efforts. I am
Very giving but so is he normally.
Am I blowing this up or rightly fucked off.
Atm I told him I want time to work out exactly what I want as I found his behaviour last night rude, unmannerly and nonchalant.

OP posts:
goldensilver · 20/01/2022 20:35

He could have low vitamin d, low magnesium, depression...... but none of these are your problems to fix.
I would write a list of pros and cons and weigh it up.

Cocomarine · 20/01/2022 20:38

@flamers

He has aches and pains and complaints since the day I met him
Which was 18 months ago? So he was a similar age then. I’m early 50s, I’ve had “aches and pains” notably more than earlier life since mid 40s. It’s not unusual. I’m fit and healthy, but bits of me are just a bit worn. It’s not a weakness and it’s fine to talk about it.

It just sounds like you’ve reached the point of no return where everything is irritating you.

notthatonethisone · 20/01/2022 20:41

I don't think this is a massively disastrous date.

But everything your write seems to scream how much you dislike him. So for that reason end it.

Sounds like you have reached the end of your tether. For whatever reason.

That's not a dig. Just an observation. It sounds like you've reached the end of your tether. So end it.

Original poster
flamers · 20/01/2022 20:41

He is unfit yet does nothing about that.
Everything is everyone else's fault.
He will happily stay in bed all
Weekend if let away with it. These are niggles.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamers · 20/01/2022 20:48

I like him. He makes me laugh. He is kind and caring but supremely selfish. In that he has no one else to think about. He is a wonderful support but fuck it , isn't life too
Short for this selfishness and self absorption?
Every fucking time I meet him he has a new ache or pain but does Jack shit
to sort himself. And now the moods???

OP posts:
cabingirl · 20/01/2022 20:50

You don't sound compatible.

godmum56 · 20/01/2022 20:53

You own your life. You don't need a reason to move on. You don't need to be annoyed, fed up, make up reasons or justifications. You just move on.

Cocomarine · 20/01/2022 20:57

@flamers

I like him. He makes me laugh. He is kind and caring but supremely selfish. In that he has no one else to think about. He is a wonderful support but fuck it , isn't life too Short for this selfishness and self absorption? Every fucking time I meet him he has a new ache or pain but does Jack shit to sort himself. And now the moods???
He’s not selfish just because he doesn’t have kids though. Hell, I have kids and still manage to be selfish sometimes! You really sound like you resent him not having the additional responsibility that you have - but that’s hardly his fault!

How can he be both kind and caring, but also supremely selfish. That doesn’t make sense!

What’s the shopping issue?

Ionlydomassiveones · 20/01/2022 20:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
flamers · 20/01/2022 21:00

He does add. He is funny and kind and affectionate but equally
Selfish, hypochondriac and linear. I dunno

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 20/01/2022 21:01

Linear?

CaffaJake · 20/01/2022 21:01

How old are you, OP?

Original poster
flamers · 20/01/2022 21:02

Yes he is black and white

OP posts:
Original poster
flamers · 20/01/2022 21:02

44

OP posts:
CaffaJake · 20/01/2022 21:02

I ask as my dad was 12 years older than my mum and when he started showing his age it annoyed her so much, we had to remind her that he was in his sixties now. She held him to her standards and struggled with it.

Cocomarine · 20/01/2022 21:03

In what way is he selfish? Your irritation with his health and fitness and his attitude to that you’ve explained, but not how he is selfish. Which as I said before - doesn’t fit with your claims that he is caring.

Katieandthekids · 20/01/2022 21:03

Sounds like he was being a dick like we all are sometimes. If it's unusual then give him a break and just say that it upset you then move on

Original poster
flamers · 20/01/2022 21:05

But I am newly single after. Twenty yer marriage . He is my first and only since.
Is this it ?

OP posts:
MrsBerthaRochester · 20/01/2022 21:07

50 and no energy for sex is exactly the reason I only date younger men. This will not improve op, he is settling into middle age and you are in your prime. Get rid.

Original poster
flamers · 20/01/2022 21:08

He is selfish in that his whole life revolves around him and we all fit in. Granted I am
His priority apart from his children.
He works ... he is tired
He goes out at night... it takes him the whole day to recover .
He needs to go shopping ... it's for one item and then home.
He is number one and there is a big victim: poor me
Complex going on.
He has never had to
Thinking anyone but himself really .

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 20/01/2022 21:11

You sound like you dislike him immensely 🤷‍♀️

Ionlydomassiveones · 20/01/2022 21:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Kite22 · 20/01/2022 21:13

Normally he is loving, supportive and caring.

From the first page, I agreed with everyone else. This was out of character, and everyone is entitled to have a 'bad day', or, quite frankly, just not be full of beans and bouncing around like a Labrador puppy all night.

However, as your posts have gone on, you really don't sound like you like him that much. You really come across as if you are somehow obliged to see him.

Yes, some people are calmer, and comfortable with their life, and not looking to go out and set the world on fire. 'Comfortable' is not a bad thing to aim for in a relationship. However if that isn't what you are looking for, then you owe it to yourself to finish this relationship and get more thrills meeting lots of new people. Some people need an adrenalin rush, others don't. It just seems you are at different places in what you are after in a relationship.
that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him, but it does mean he isn't for you.

twominutesmore · 20/01/2022 21:15

You talk about him in a very contemptuous way so I think you have answered your own question really. He's not going to dramatically change, except perhaps temporarily in an effort to please you. So it's a lifetime of this or calling it a day imo.

Initially I thought you were being very harsh, given that it was one 'off day' in a sea of good points. But as the thread moved on it was obvious you didn't like him much. Let him find someone who likes him, and free yourself for someone who you are more suited to.

todaysdilemma · 20/01/2022 21:16

You don't sound like you like him at all! And that's fair enough since his lifestyle doesn't match yours. Some people are just more tired, negative, whatever. You can't change him now. And if 18 months in, he's already on your nerves, it's only going to get worse.

So you shouldn't be with someone you get so irritated and frustrated with. Are you afraid of being alone?

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