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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he was rude, disrespectful and plain bad mannered

137 replies

flamers · 20/01/2022 19:17

I thought about writing this as a reverse but to be straight up is easier and less confusing!
I am a busy single mum of three. I commute 70 miles per day and work full time. I'm in a relationship of 18 months. We live 40 mins apart and see each other each week normally at weekends and spend the whole or eow together.
I suggested yesterday evening that we meet and have dinner. I literally had three free hours. He was fairly relaxed and said why not.
We met twenty mins away and I offered to treat him to dinner.
From when we met he was tired( persistently tired at 50) moody, irritated and just not in any way warm or excited to see me. This man has no
Responsibility to anyone except for getting
Himself up every day and going to work.
We ate,I paid. I found myself tensing up and feeling that old friend, dread and discomfort.
We went for a walk. He spent that ten minutes trying to fix some app on his phone.
At that stage, I thought fuck this, I'm off.
I left. He text to say thanks when we each got to our respective homes. I was so Fucked off at that stage, that I didn't bother to reply.
He always tests to say goodnight but text this morning to say he fell
Asleep straight away.
I'm really fucking annoyed. Normally he is loving, supportive and caring.
Now I feel that he expects this of me and is not appreciative of my efforts. I am
Very giving but so is he normally.
Am I blowing this up or rightly fucked off.
Atm I told him I want time to work out exactly what I want as I found his behaviour last night rude, unmannerly and nonchalant.

OP posts:
Regardingtheduck · 20/01/2022 21:21

Men are never gonna live up to the first few months! The problem is just the passing of time .....everyone gets more complex as time passes....its more about what you want from the relationship....not just with him but with anyone you meet.

ExtraOnion · 20/01/2022 21:21

I’m 50 … if I have a big night out, takes me 2 days to get over it 😂
Husband is 58, one of our great pleasures is lounging in bed until lunchtime on a weekend.
I am very tired most evenings
Hoping to get my second wind when I retire 😂😂

TameDucksAtChatsworth · 20/01/2022 21:29

What a lot of gripes from you.

Either his good qualities make up for his deficiencies and you stay with him or they don't and you let him go.

What you can't do is make him into a plaster saint with no faults at all.

You'll turn sour and wrinkly trying to do so and still be no happier.

Cam2020 · 20/01/2022 21:30

By the sounds of it, you don't like him any more or like being with him and you're jumping on the bad date as an out.

You don't need an out, you have no obligation to or shared responsibilities with this man, so just end it. Life's too short. Sometimes things just fizzle out.

Hb12 · 20/01/2022 21:34

You don't like him, quite clearly.

Tbh, being grumpy on a date isn't a crime. We all have our off days.

Ijustneedtosleep21 · 20/01/2022 21:38

You sound like hard work. He is allowed to be tired.

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/01/2022 21:51

Well that escalated quickly from him being kind, caring and lovely to old, boring and selfish in the space of a few posts Hmm

Original poster
flamers · 20/01/2022 21:55

He is both

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 20/01/2022 21:59

@flamers

He is both
Well aren't we all.
Cocomarine · 20/01/2022 21:59

@flamers

He is selfish in that his whole life revolves around him and we all fit in. Granted I am His priority apart from his children. He works ... he is tired He goes out at night... it takes him the whole day to recover . He needs to go shopping ... it's for one item and then home. He is number one and there is a big victim: poor me Complex going on. He has never had to Thinking anyone but himself really .
You sound downright nasty about him there. Why are you with him?

Your posts are all over the place. Does he have children (adults?) then?

Why shouldn’t he just go to the shop for the one thing he actually wants?

You’re not obliged to date him, but it sounds more and more that you’re just verbally laying into him here when he’s done nothing worse than not be what you’re looking for, plus one off night date.

grapewine · 20/01/2022 22:05

@Ijustneedtosleep21

You sound like hard work. He is allowed to be tired.
This. Just let the man go. You'd probably both be better off without each other. You write like you massively dislike him.
Stellaroses · 20/01/2022 22:16

Sounds a bit like my (also 50+ DH). I would just tell him your feelings, explain you've been feeling dissatisfied and rather than just break up, wanted to talk and give it a chance?
Or if you don't want to give it a chance, just end it. You're not obliged to date him.

maddening · 20/01/2022 22:22

It is not his usual self and lately he has been v tired, I would be more worried that he is ill or has difficulty at work or similar.

You can be tired even if you are not a single mum of 3.

Blossomtoes · 20/01/2022 22:32

@tara66

50 is quite young for a man these days. He should be in his prime - especially as he has no children to worry about and only has to think of himself.
50 is the same age it’s always been. It’s deep In middle age, nobody’s in their prime at 50.
HollowTalk · 20/01/2022 22:40

@flamers

He's always tired, always in pain somewhere yet will do nothing about it.
That would be enough for me.
RobertSmithsLipstick · 20/01/2022 22:48

He sounds as if he is not well, but doesn't realise it, as in it has crept up on him and is impacting his ability to enjoy things he used to.

UnicornsReal · 20/01/2022 22:55

@ChiefStockingStuffer

I can't get a GP appointment for actual 'problems' easily right now; can't imagine trying to get one for the generic, normal aches and tiredness that comes with aging.
This was my thought. How do you think aGP would ‘sort it out’ exactly. You sound a bit precious and high maintenance really. Also you should t be taking him out for meals. You sound like you expect a performing dog.
Butchyrestingface · 20/01/2022 23:06

You REALLY sound as if you dislike this guy. So cut him loose. If we a bunch of total strangers on here can see it, he can't be totally impervious to it either.

Pikaso · 20/01/2022 23:07

Ah just bin him off, life is too short to be dragged down by old sad sack. He bores me to tears just hearing about him

Kite22 · 20/01/2022 23:23

I can't get a GP appointment for actual 'problems' easily right now; can't imagine trying to get one for the generic, normal aches and tiredness that comes with aging.

This was my thought too.
I am one of the fortunate people who have an excellent GP, and have been able to get a couple of appointments when I have needed them, but I wouldn't be so selfish as to put them under more pressure trying to get an appointment because I was feeling a bit tired. He's in his 50s - it comes with the territory, particularly in Winter, and even more so if he has had COVID. Personally, I'm knackered as so many of my older friends were at this stage, before they retired and became revitalised.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 20/01/2022 23:59

@an0ther0ther

Hmm - I mean, this is a 50 year old man with no children / responsibilities? Most men (of that age anyway) would insist on paying, tbh.

Re- the low energy levels snd moaning - could he have Covid / long Covid?

not necessarily. My OH is 56 and is not as old-fashioned as that.
BadLad · 21/01/2022 03:13

and as for shopping 🙄

He needs to go shopping ... it's for one item and then home.

For me, this is one of the most attractive qualities a partner can have.

whatth · 21/01/2022 03:36

I actually feel sorry for the guy. You do come across as a bit scary. He sounds absolutely lovely and wasn't as cheerful as you require him to be for one night and you appear to have no empathy for him at all.

It seems there is no room in your life for anyone who isn't 100% so why not just let him go. You will probably both be happier for it. You are of course perfectly entitled to decide whether to stay or go for whatever reasons you choose.

Did you ask him if he was ok or if there was anything he wanted to talk about?

Halfabag · 21/01/2022 03:41

I don’t think all that many 50 year old men shop for fun. Anyway, sounds like a good guy who is just not right for you. We all get grumpy sometimes. I’d hate to have to put on an act with my partner. You say he is a kind caring support to you but you don’t sound supportive back.

HellonHeels · 21/01/2022 03:46

Jeez will you listen to yourself moaning! I'm willing to bet you weren't sparkling company on this date either.

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