Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To think he was rude, disrespectful and plain bad mannered

137 replies

flamers · 20/01/2022 19:17

I thought about writing this as a reverse but to be straight up is easier and less confusing!
I am a busy single mum of three. I commute 70 miles per day and work full time. I'm in a relationship of 18 months. We live 40 mins apart and see each other each week normally at weekends and spend the whole or eow together.
I suggested yesterday evening that we meet and have dinner. I literally had three free hours. He was fairly relaxed and said why not.
We met twenty mins away and I offered to treat him to dinner.
From when we met he was tired( persistently tired at 50) moody, irritated and just not in any way warm or excited to see me. This man has no
Responsibility to anyone except for getting
Himself up every day and going to work.
We ate,I paid. I found myself tensing up and feeling that old friend, dread and discomfort.
We went for a walk. He spent that ten minutes trying to fix some app on his phone.
At that stage, I thought fuck this, I'm off.
I left. He text to say thanks when we each got to our respective homes. I was so Fucked off at that stage, that I didn't bother to reply.
He always tests to say goodnight but text this morning to say he fell
Asleep straight away.
I'm really fucking annoyed. Normally he is loving, supportive and caring.
Now I feel that he expects this of me and is not appreciative of my efforts. I am
Very giving but so is he normally.
Am I blowing this up or rightly fucked off.
Atm I told him I want time to work out exactly what I want as I found his behaviour last night rude, unmannerly and nonchalant.

OP posts:

Original poster

flamers · 20/01/2022 19:44

If you were moody and irritated , would t you have apologised ? I would !

OP posts:

Pondtoad · 20/01/2022 19:46

@flamers

He's always tired, always in pain somewhere yet will do nothing about it.

Isn't it just age? You get tired and ache more.

Cocomarine · 20/01/2022 19:48

“I thought about writing this as a reverse but to be straight up is easier and less confusing!“

It’s straight up just fucking annoying too, so please don’t ever do it!

He was rude. But 18 months in, we’re not always our best selves and sometimes we need a reminder. At the time, you should have said, “Dave, I didn’t come all this way to watch you fiddle with your phone - put it away!”

If everything else you said about him was positive, I’d be inclined to say - it was one bad evening, I could accept but I would voice it.

However, you sound like you’re bored with his unwillingness to take action over his tiredness and pains. Sounds (admittedly from a snippet) like it’s run it’s course for you.

Original poster

flamers · 20/01/2022 19:49

Ah seriously though. Tired and pains here and there? If so, go to a GP, sort it out.
Everything is such an effort and a stress. God forbid trying to take him out of his comfort zone and as for shopping 🙄

OP posts:

AluckyEllie · 20/01/2022 19:49

18 months… it seems like he’s stopped putting the effort in! Which is to be expected to a certain extent and it won’t be as exciting forever but I think you have yourself an old before his time grumpy man! Those aches and pains are only going to get worse and he’s only 50, you sound full of vim and energy compared to him- don’t let him bring you down. Could you talk to him about it? Maybe try something new and see if he’s up for it… if he’s not then decide if you want to spend the rest of your life doing the same things, and unappreciated.

WorriedGiraffe · 20/01/2022 19:52

@flamers

Ah seriously though. Tired and pains here and there? If so, go to a GP, sort it out. Everything is such an effort and a stress. God forbid trying to take him out of his comfort zone and as for shopping 🙄

You sound like you don’t even like him. It sounds like he was annoying yes, but is he not allowed to have an off day? Did you ask what was up? You just don’t sound that compatible together to be honest.

Cocomarine · 20/01/2022 19:52

What about shopping?!
18 months into dating I don’t think I’d ever shopped with my husband, if you exclude those moment where you stop at Tesco extra on the way home, for bread…
Married 6 years now, must have shopped together less than 10 times!

Original poster

flamers · 20/01/2022 19:52

To stop making an effort 18 months in when we only have a ful eow for me isn't a runner.
I love life. My life is shit hard but isn't everybody's? The idea of him settling into slippers and a pipe at nearly 50 eow ain't attractive. Not having energy for sex is getting boring at this age. Whinging about everything...
Sorry but if I wanted to be with an 80 year old, I would have chosen that.
What do I do next?
Bother talking or just walk?

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 20/01/2022 19:56

Based on the follow up texts, walk.
The sex is shit.
He won’t leave his comfort zone (which is OK, but not for you).
There’s some problem with shopping?!

I don’t think one bad evening is the issue.

You sound over him 🤷🏻‍♀️

What’s going on with the money thing? You made a point of telling us that you treated him, but you didn’t really, it turns out it was just your turn. So something made you say about treating. Do you think you were owed more attention because you were paying? (he should have been polite either way)

Blossomtoes · 20/01/2022 19:57

Set him free. The world’s full of women who’d welcome him with open arms and make allowances for him feeling his age.

Flocon · 20/01/2022 19:57

Just give him a call and say it's not working out and you wish him well.

Siepie · 20/01/2022 19:57

@flamers

To stop making an effort 18 months in when we only have a ful eow for me isn't a runner. I love life. My life is shit hard but isn't everybody's? The idea of him settling into slippers and a pipe at nearly 50 eow ain't attractive. Not having energy for sex is getting boring at this age. Whinging about everything... Sorry but if I wanted to be with an 80 year old, I would have chosen that. What do I do next? Bother talking or just walk?

To me the date doesn't sound too bad, if it's only a one off. Everyone has a bad day sometimes, and by 18 months in I wouldn't expect a partner to put on a constant "happy face" for me.

But it sounds like you really don't like him, so leave.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 20/01/2022 19:58

I can't get a GP appointment for actual 'problems' easily right now; can't imagine trying to get one for the generic, normal aches and tiredness that comes with aging.

Pegasushaswings · 20/01/2022 19:58

Jeez, just dump him them. You sound like you dislike him

tara66 · 20/01/2022 19:58

50 is quite young for a man these days. He should be in his prime - especially as he has no children to worry about and only has to think of himself.

Flocon · 20/01/2022 19:59

@tara66

50 is quite young for a man these days. He should be in his prime - especially as he has no children to worry about and only has to think of himself.

This is a really weird comment. Loads of people develop aches and pains as they get older.

Bluetrews25 · 20/01/2022 19:59

Can you expand on 'the old friend dread and discomfort'?
What's that about?

You don't sound well suited.
I'd be wanting him to get blood tests, btw. But you're not his mammy.

FabriqueBelgique · 20/01/2022 20:01

I had a similar moment with my DP early on. I told him exactly how I felt and he felt terrible. Text him what you told us, that’s perfect.

an0ther0ther · 20/01/2022 20:06

Is there something else going on OP? Sounds like the evening you describe was the last straw?

I’m not sure what you mean about shopping though? I would never take my husband shopping. It would be like dragging a lead balloon. Tbh, I can’t think of any man who bounds around shops in delight.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/01/2022 20:10

Yeah I’d be reassessing what he brought to my life tbh. Can’t be bothered with someone who acts like that around me.

Livpool · 20/01/2022 20:15

You sound like you are reading a lot into one bad date. After 18 months he doesn't always have to act like he is on top of the world. Relationships are not like first dates on a loop.

However - if you feel are down then end it.

cabingirl · 20/01/2022 20:19

It can't be a one off if you are having this strong a reaction.

How much do you care about him? Long term relationships have a lot of ups and downs, you can't always schedule the downs on your days away from a partner.

I would say 18 months in is when you start relaxing and being more of your true self than always on best (superficial) behaviour.

If you just want someone to be fun and sparky on your days off then maybe you aren't suited.

And as a 40-year-old woman who has aches and pains and tired days I think you are being a little harsh on him for that. I have a knee that aches from past skiing injuries and there's nothing a doctor can do about it - glad my DH doesn't mind me having the odd moan about it!

knittingaddict · 20/01/2022 20:24

@flamers

He's always tired, always in pain somewhere yet will do nothing about it.

I once saw the doctor about various aches and pains. He looked at me and said. more or less "what do you wnat me to do about it". When you get to a certain age aches and pains are an annoying part of ageing for some people.

If this is the only time he has been like this then I think you're being a bit unfair. You never have an off day?

I don't think many relationships would last a year if everyone felt like this and over reacted to one date when the other person wasn't on top form.

ACCx · 20/01/2022 20:28

Sounds like you have made your mind up.

Original poster

flamers · 20/01/2022 20:29

He has aches and pains and complaints since the day I met him

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6