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Original poster

Please make me see sense - cheat on DH

133 replies

Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 19:01

I started working after a long break when I had my kids. The eldest is 7.

I met someone at work, we currently WFH but will be in office soon.

The talking started as banter and fun, it’s quite obviously turned into flirting and he’s admitted he has sexual feelings for me. I do too, but neither of us ‘wants’ to act on them. We are both married.

I have been cheated on by my DH when I had my first child but we moved on. We are currently going through a rough patch you could say, communication issues mainly. I suggested therapy but he’s not interested as he thinks it’s pointless (but is not against me getting therapy alone).

I don’t know. We say we don’t want to act on it but I’m afraid of these unfamiliar feelings. I’ve never thought I would think about cheating let alone do it. I’m 29. Life has been giving me many reality checks lately. I feel so guilty and it is eating me up.

My colleague and I are aware these feelings are wrong. He has a young daughter and his wife seems lovely although he has mentioned marital problems which I took with a pinch of salt anyway… regardless of problems, it isn’t an excuse to cheat.

Please, Mumsnet, I love you and I love this place - please make me see sense before I do something I will regret.

Thank you.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/01/2022 19:08

Think long term here. What are the consequences of cheating

You get found out and your family breaks up
The sex is shit and you regret it
The sex is amazing and it turns into a full blown affair. Which is likely to end up with your family breaking up.

If you want to leave your partner anyway then just do it

Curlyreine · 20/01/2022 19:09

Just imagine telling your kids.

Autumnscene · 20/01/2022 19:12

are your kids still living at home ? do you love your husband ? do you see a good future with your husband ?

MasterBeth · 20/01/2022 19:13

Marriages have problems. Working through them together is what makes a strong marriage.

You’re going to have sexual feelings for plenty of men through your marriage. You don’t have to fuck any of them.

OnlyYellowRoses · 20/01/2022 19:13

Just imagine his child growing up without a father...if you can happily be a key part in that, then carry on.

PattyPan · 20/01/2022 19:14

The key question is do you want to split up with your husband?
Your options are 1. first split up with your husband and then explore these feelings or 2. ignore feelings and stay with your husband. Don't even view cheating as an option.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 20/01/2022 19:14

Maybe you should do the therapy and try to work out if staying married to your DH is what you want long term. Having an affair won't make you feel better but perhaps understanding why you're having these feelings will.

MasterBeth · 20/01/2022 19:15

“It’s not me doing this, it’s my unfamiliar feelings.”

IncompleteSenten · 20/01/2022 19:15

The best thing you can do is be honest with yourself.

You can't help your feelings but your actions are a choice.

You will either choose to cheat on your husband or you will choose not to.

It's not something that will happen to you that you will be powerless to resist.

You will choose to lie, choose to sneak about and you will make hundreds of individual choices that will lead to you cheating.

I'd suggest really looking at your marriage. If you don't want to be in it - address that.

If you cheat it will be because you want to.

Tempusfudgeit · 20/01/2022 19:16

'We don't WANT to act on them' Hmm

Tal45 · 20/01/2022 19:17

It's about personal integrity. Make the right choice and keep your integrity. Stop all contact with this person that isn't professional, it's not helping you in any way, it's never going to become something good and positive no matter how it pans out.

Original poster
Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 19:18

I know it’s only been 15 minutes but the reality checks are excellent. So glad my bubble of stupidity is popping. Thank you Mumsnet this is really helping and I’m going to keep reading until I’ve drilled it in.

I would never want to be the reason a child grows up without their father.

OP posts:
evrey · 20/01/2022 19:20

Whether your marriage is rocky or not you mustn't do this op. Change your job if you are so worried about cheating ,then delete and block . It is not worth the misery it will cause to your whole family.
Try to work on your marriage, if it doesn't work out then at least you can walk away with a clean conscience.

Original poster
Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 19:22

One of the things that I keep thinking is how terrible and broken I felt when it happened to me.

Why would I want an innocent woman to feel the same way that I did?

OP posts:
czycoup · 20/01/2022 19:22

Tbh I think you need to figure out if you want to be with your husband or not. If you do, then work on it. If he doesn't want to work on it then it would seem he wants out. If you don't want to work on it then sort your shit out and then see if you still fancy this man. You might find you don't and he was just a distraction to the problems in your marriage. Or you do and you live happily ever after but at least you can live your life knowing you were faithful.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 20/01/2022 19:25

@OnlyYellowRoses

Just imagine his child growing up without a father...if you can happily be a key part in that, then carry on.
Why would his child grow up without a father? Confused he didn't say he was going to abandon them and never see them.

OP, leave your husband. You deserve to be happy. Is there any way you could change jobs (I'm so sorry to even have to suggest this) to distance yourself from your work friend? It could just be that a new guy is treating you like you should be treated and it is making you feel this way. Perhaps if you distanced yourself the feelings might subside, possibly? Obviously if they don't, then you know it is more than just attraction.

I really do feel for you and I think you deserve to be happy.

hairymorag · 20/01/2022 19:27

Your only 29, your DH cheated on you when you had a young baby. That in itself is awful

Time to have a rethink and decide whether your happy. Your head being turned may be a symptom of something else. At 30 I was a single mum, met my now DH and have had a good life since. My ex was not good for my mental health

Thirtytimesround · 20/01/2022 19:30

OP we ALL meet other people we’re attracted to sometimes. It’s part of being alive.

Sometimes they feel the same way.

Either you’re grown-up enough for a committed mongamous relationship… Or you’re at the mercy of your hormones and don’t care how much damage you do to others.

🤷‍♀️

Mybestyear · 20/01/2022 19:33

@MasterBeth

Marriages have problems. Working through them together is what makes a strong marriage.

You’re going to have sexual feelings for plenty of men through your marriage. You don’t have to fuck any of them.

This. I work with a guy who in a different life would be with - I fancy him like mad, we click, have the same sense of humour, same intelligence and he has supported me through tough times (mainly my alcohol abuse). I know he feels the same and he is single …. But I love my husband, warts and all, and we have a good life so I will never act on it.

So yes, we will all go through life meeting others we want to fuck/have a relationship with/be friends with but in the cold light of day, can you honestly say 110% that issues would come up if you were together?

It sounds like you are still hurting from your DH’s infidelity. Two wrongs don’t make a right and he is married with a child. You need to shut this down now and decide if you want to stay with DH. If you don’t, separate. There are plenty of single men out there,

Original poster
Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 19:49

This is just me letting off steam now because I could never admit this in real life.

I am 99% sure I would not want to be married to this new man, he’s just an average (above average in looks maybe) guy that I happened to talk often with, which then increased the feelings.

He’s got a great body and he told me I’m incredibly pretty, funny and sexy. It’s been a while since I heard those things and I think that’s pathetic of me tbh. I don’t want to cheat.

If this wasn’t the real world I would so love to have no-strings-attached sex. I really really would.

I married young, about 20. I’ve been with my husband (first partner) and had kids early on so sometimes it feels like this is all I’ll have forever and I ache for more.

All I want to do is have sex with the guy, and I wouldn’t dare. I don’t want to hurt the innocent people involved and I know it wouldn’t lead to anything else anyway…

OP posts:
ForeverSingle881 · 20/01/2022 19:50

Hmm I've had several crushes at work, one in particular I still very occasionally think about. We all put our best foot forward at work, we look our best, act professional, sociable etc. So just remember that. You don't have to act on it, cut off the messages now and think about your marriage. Your DH doesn't sound great. Counselling just for you could be useful.

Original poster
Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 19:50

I will definitely reply more personally when I can. Right now I’m just in a bit of a haze and trying to rant the feelings out so I stop acting like a horny teenager.

OP posts:
Flocon · 20/01/2022 19:51

It's ok to have the fantasy.
Maybe get a new job.

FindmeuptheFarawaytree · 20/01/2022 19:57

If you both want to be together that's fine (as long as you believe it to be real). However, you would each need to split from your partners first. Cheating is vile. If you don't want to go down that road then one of you needs to find a new job. I'm sorry you've been cheated on before, it must feel dreadful and you did not deserve it, but nor does his wife.

Flocon · 20/01/2022 19:58

He might have a tiny knob and not know how to use it and then you've ruined your marriage for nothing

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