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Original poster

Please make me see sense - cheat on DH

133 replies

Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 19:01

I started working after a long break when I had my kids. The eldest is 7.

I met someone at work, we currently WFH but will be in office soon.

The talking started as banter and fun, it’s quite obviously turned into flirting and he’s admitted he has sexual feelings for me. I do too, but neither of us ‘wants’ to act on them. We are both married.

I have been cheated on by my DH when I had my first child but we moved on. We are currently going through a rough patch you could say, communication issues mainly. I suggested therapy but he’s not interested as he thinks it’s pointless (but is not against me getting therapy alone).

I don’t know. We say we don’t want to act on it but I’m afraid of these unfamiliar feelings. I’ve never thought I would think about cheating let alone do it. I’m 29. Life has been giving me many reality checks lately. I feel so guilty and it is eating me up.

My colleague and I are aware these feelings are wrong. He has a young daughter and his wife seems lovely although he has mentioned marital problems which I took with a pinch of salt anyway… regardless of problems, it isn’t an excuse to cheat.

Please, Mumsnet, I love you and I love this place - please make me see sense before I do something I will regret.

Thank you.

OP posts:
User2638483 · 20/01/2022 20:02

I personally think a bit of harmless flirty banter is ok… but you both crossed a line when you admitted ‘sexual feelings’ for each other. You just shouldn’t go there. It opens up the door to deep and meaningful star crossed lovers type stuff and plants the seed in your mind.

Change jobs.

OneTC · 20/01/2022 20:25

Just get a grip really. Even if you ultimately don't want to be with your current partner this is the shittiest way you could possibly go about it

NeverChange · 20/01/2022 20:31

Not always but usually if they'll cheat with you, they will also cheat on you.

Nothing wrong with a good fantasy but acting on it will probably ruin it anyway. The best sex you'll ever have with some people is in your head. The reality is often a disappointment.

Moody123 · 20/01/2022 20:37

I think your question should be
Should I leave my DH?
If the answer is yes then do what you want after you have split
If your answer is no, then stay and work on your marriage

Original poster
Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 20:44

I don’t want to cheat. I’ll sort it out as soon as I can. I don’t want to leave this job. It is rare to find something like this that allows me to balance work and family life… i worked hard for it too.

I don't even want this guy to fancy me totally and nobody else or anything lover-like. It’s purely sexual in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 20:44

It shocks me how suddenly the banter switched. I think it was all harmless flirting at first but then we happened to open up about certain marital issues and blah blah blah. What a cliche I turned out to be.

OP posts:
Workin8til6 · 20/01/2022 21:03

I disagree with a lot of these posts.
I agree that you shouldn’t have an affair. You will not come out of it well, whatever the scenario.
But it does not mean you need to ignore your feelings for this man.
In my experience yes you may find other people sexually attractive. But the fact that you are fantasising about and confiding in this man shows that you are not happy in your relationship.
Your husband cheated on you and you forgave him. But now you are having communication issues again. Do you think he would have another affair?
Can you imagine how you would feel if you shut the door on your feelings for this other man and then a couple of years down the line you found out your husband was having another affair. Yes you would have the moral high ground. But I don’t like the idea that you are burying how you feel all in the interests of “being the reason your children grow up without a father” 🤨 do you think he thought about that when he had an affair?
Basically I think you should leave him sooner rather than later. Once you’ve done so, see if you still feel the same way about this other man. The fact that he is average looking is irrelevant!?!

Twillow · 20/01/2022 21:06

@OnlyYellowRoses

Just imagine his child growing up without a father...if you can happily be a key part in that, then carry on.
Why would the child grow up without a father? There are many non-standard family models. A father can be a good father - or an arsehole -whatever his role in the family dyamic
CelestiaNoctis · 20/01/2022 21:07

Sounds like you need to leave your partner. Then you can sleep with whoever you want.

BlueSuffragette · 20/01/2022 21:20

Sounds like you've fallen for the old my wife doesn't understand me line. Predictable. Wonder how many others in the office have heard it? Be careful what you wish for.

Original poster
Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 21:28

One thing I have to say is I clearly have not and will not fall for anything related to his wife not “understanding” him. In fact I clearly told him it would actually make me happier if he went and thought about how HE was treating his wife because I have been on the side of the wife once upon a time and I know it’s never as simple as it looks.

To put it simply… I’m not expecting or wanting anything from this man. I don’t want a fairytale. I just kind of want to fuck him and that’s about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 21:31

I’m overall OK with my partner. I was going to say ‘quite happy’ but deleted it because I don’t feel happy.

He cares about me, he felt terrible about the cheating (it was a one night stand and he told me the morning after) and he’s never done anything to make it sound or feel as though he would cheat again. It was about 4.5 years ago. All has been OK it’s just sometimes I feel like I’m not getting proper communication and that he thinks I’m just a nagging bitch. I don’t know. Life feels empty sometimes and I think I just want to feel something. I feel like crying. I hate what I have become.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plzstopthisstupidity · 20/01/2022 22:41

I just had a really demoralising and depressing moment with DH. Feel like we aren’t on the same page ever. All I want to do is forget my life and fuck about for the night to feel something good. So stupid and pathetic of me. I’m looking for therapy right now. This is depressing.

OP posts:
Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 20/01/2022 23:09

It's flattering OP when someone sees you as more than a wife/mother. Work bloke is saying the right things, and because you're fed up with your lot you're taking it as a compliment, but in reality is someone telling you that they want to have sex with you all that flattering really? He's not telling you that he has feelings for you, just that he'd like a f%ck.
If you start this chances are it'll be fun, exciting and then (very rapidly) absolutely soul destroying when you don't even recognise yourself. Spare yourself the guilt and risk to your marriage and take a step back because if you cross the line things won't ever be the same again.

RealBecca · 20/01/2022 23:21

Cheating is to punish and escape your husband and feels like an easier way out of your marriage than independently leaving.

Leaving independently will hold you in better stead for a million reasons, if leaving is what you really want.

You can find a million inspirationalquotes that support staying and leaving but ultimately you have to decide. And deciding and taking action will move you forward.

Emerald5hamrock · 20/01/2022 23:25

Don't do it.
If you're not happy leave your DH but don't fuck the other man, he set out to flirt and plan before he knows anything about you.

You've fallen into the trap, man like him can spot women who are unhappy and they prey on them.

Get your life together without an affair.

ArrrMeHearties · 20/01/2022 23:31

Don't be the reason another woman feels how you felt when your DH cheated on you.

AdoraBell · 20/01/2022 23:36

You don’t want to act on the feelings, so just don’t.

Or, as others have said, imagine the future damage, telling your DC, his DC etc.

Jacketpotato84 · 20/01/2022 23:38

Do it

Shablam · 20/01/2022 23:42

Work guy is just a guy that has sensed that your defences are down and sex is possible. Don't romanticise it. You won't feel on the same page with your DH because your mind is with someone else; i've been there.

Perhaps early marriage/kids has resulted in a loss of personal identity? Explore that in therapy, looking for an external fix for that won't work.

VioletRose91 · 20/01/2022 23:48

@Flocon

He might have a tiny knob and not know how to use it and then you've ruined your marriage for nothing
This.

Don’t throw away everything you have for compliments and flattery from another man. I get it I married young too and went through a period of time where I felt like I didn’t exist to my husband, it’s easy for life to take over and you start feeling taken for granted.

Don’t do it OP you will feel awful after anyways and it’s not worth ruining two marriages for what might be 2mins of fun at most.

ANameChangeAgain · 21/01/2022 00:00

I think the only thing you can do is move jobs. Flirting and flirty banter is fine, but mutual admission of feelings is dangerous territory. You obviously aren't happy at home either and you need to be honest about this. Is it salvageable with marriage guidance counselling?

Antonbris · 21/01/2022 00:01

You already are cheating.

NameChangesforNoman · 21/01/2022 00:08

Sometimes we fancy people because of who they are and sometimes we fancy people because of who we are when we’re around them. I think he might be the second one OP. You need other ways of feeling great about yourself.

Isthisprivate · 21/01/2022 00:10

Why would I want an innocent woman to feel the same way that I did?

The fact you are more bothered about his wife than your husband is something I would reflect on if I was you. I’ve had phases of fancying others but I would never go through with it because of not wanting to hurt my partner, a virtual strangers feelings wouldn’t come into it.