Please make me see sense - cheat on DH

[Plzstopthisstupidity]

I started working after a long break when I had my kids. The eldest is 7.

I met someone at work, we currently WFH but will be in office soon.

The talking started as banter and fun, it’s quite obviously turned into flirting and he’s admitted he has sexual feelings for me. I do too, but neither of us ‘wants’ to act on them. We are both married.

I have been cheated on by my DH when I had my first child but we moved on. We are currently going through a rough patch you could say, communication issues mainly. I suggested therapy but he’s not interested as he thinks it’s pointless (but is not against me getting therapy alone).

I don’t know. We say we don’t want to act on it but I’m afraid of these unfamiliar feelings. I’ve never thought I would think about cheating let alone do it. I’m 29. Life has been giving me many reality checks lately. I feel so guilty and it is eating me up.

My colleague and I are aware these feelings are wrong. He has a young daughter and his wife seems lovely although he has mentioned marital problems which I took with a pinch of salt anyway… regardless of problems, it isn’t an excuse to cheat.

Please, Mumsnet, I love you and I love this place - please make me see sense before I do something I will regret.

Thank you.

A work crush isn't such a bit deal. If you've been a SAHM for some time, it's just so refreshing to meet someone new who doesn't just see you as a boring, frumpy mum!

But if you've got to the "admitting sexual feelings" stage, then you've already ruined it. Now you've got the pressure to act on it, or to wrap it up. Next time, keep it at the "friendly but with an almost imperceptible hint of flirting" stage 😉

Fwiw I would hazard a guess that this guy has form for behaving like this with new staff.

Don't do it.

If you are happy in your marriage then try to sort that out. If won't work then decide if spilting up is the right thing.
See how this will work. Where will you live can't you afford it.

But don't cheat whilst you are married

It is just poor poor behavior and two wrongs do not make it right.
Have respect for your self your child and your partner.

You clearly forgave your partner so why are you planning to do the dirty now?

This is a crush.
I can imagine your marriage will break and the colleague won't leave his partner. This often happens
How will you cope then?
Will you want to go back to your husband.

If you dont to be married then plan on separating but don't be a lowlife and cheat.

How would you advise your DD if she came to you with the same issue?

If your DC found out what you'd done, how would that affect your relationship with them for the rest of your life?

These are feelings that you're having. We all have feelings that we don't act on. You are in control and do not need to follow what you are feeling in the moment.

Allow me to put a different slant on it, my dad had affair(s). I grew up feeling (and still to this day live with the feeling) that I wasn’t enough. He didn’t care enough about me (and my DM and DB) so why would anyone else? I have my own DC now and I cannot work out for the life of me how anyone could hurt their own family that way.

(but is not against me getting therapy alone)

Wow, that's big of him, no wonder you are having a 'rough patch' ...

Now listen up & see sense, OP.

WorkFlirt Man is a distraction. All a fling with him will cause is complication, misery, & all your focus off where it needs to be - on dealing with how you feel about your marriage.

Daydreaming is one thing - but you will feel shit if you cheat. You both have kids FFS. Think about them, & how you would want to know that you either made the best of a floundering marriage to their dad, or finished things cleanly.

An affair is not going to solve your marital problems, & you will feel guilty. The fact that DH cheated on you won't mitigate that guilt - & you need to hang on to your self-esteem right now.

If this wasn’t the real world I would so love to have no-strings-attached sex. I really really would.
Give yourself time, & plenty of self-care.
Stop flirting at work.
When you are over feeling like a horny teenager, you can assess how you genuinely feel about your marriage, & what you want to do next. That may even include a medium-tern future where you get to be single again & enjoy wild sex.

Right now, you are in no position to make rational decisions about life-changing events. That includes (wags finger, peers over specs) carrying on with other men.

OP, you are coming over as a normally rational, smart woman who doesn't take herself over-seriously. Please - don't let yourself down, give yourself time, & keep posting about your marriage.
Because that, not WorkFlirt man, is your issue.

Hang on in there

@OnlyYellowRoses

Just imagine his child growing up without a father...if you can happily be a key part in that, then carry on.

I don't think OP is planning murder @OnlyYellowRoses ...

DS will still have his dad, no matter what pans out with the marriage.

When you're in a restaurant and eating your favourite meal and the next table are served something that looks and smells delicious it is making your favourite meal seen boring.
But you chose it because you love it,it sits well with you.
The amazing smells,enticing you,could mask something that leaves a foul taste in your mouth as you look over your shoulder and see people happily eating your tried and tested dinner.

Once you’ve done so, see if you still feel the same way about this other man. The fact that he is average looking is irrelevant!?!

Er .. yeah, but the fact that he is married with DC is, @Workin8til6

Ummm. What now? I've had no interest in any other man, sexual or otherwise since meeting my now DH.
What - no interest in a relative's welfare, or a friend's hobby, or even how your mechanic's dodgy knee is doing this week?
No platonic interest in any other adult male you encounter, no interest in your neighbour's new job, the postman's holiday abroad?
What a bizarrely closed-off life. It's perfectly normal to be interested in folk other than your husband, even if they possess XY chromosomes ...

What an odd thing to say.
Is this your own odd choice, or does your husband disapprove of you talking to other people?
Do you need help, or want to talk about it, @RobertsYourFathersBrother?

A few comments on here really struck me (in a positive way) and made me feel normal whilst reminding me I am not a horrible human and I can consciously stop myself making a mess of my life. When I get a chance, I will say thank you to all of you personally on here because God help me, I needed to hear it.

For now, @ChargingBuck, I want to say thank you to you. You made me feel like I shared something with an older sister or lifelong friend and you validated my feelings. It actually brought a tear to my eye when you said I said like a “normally rational” woman. How irrational of me, but truly it did, and I appreciate your words. They will stick with me. The temptation is so strong even now but I know it’s not realistic or kind or even slightly a good idea. It’s wrong. I just needed that little push to get me through this because sometimes I feel so desperately alone.

@Mackmama I am so sorry you went through that and I hope you find some peace. It sounds heartbreaking.

@ViceLikeBlip

A work crush isn't such a bit deal. If you've been a SAHM for some time, it's just so refreshing to meet someone new who doesn't just see you as a boring, frumpy mum!

But if you've got to the "admitting sexual feelings" stage, then you've already ruined it. Now you've got the pressure to act on it, or to wrap it up. Next time, keep it at the "friendly but with an almost imperceptible hint of flirting" stage 😉

Fwiw I would hazard a guess that this guy has form for behaving like this with new staff.

I know. Part of me wishes we’d just flirted lightly, you know the odd compliment here and there, and left it at that. The sexual feelings are just sickening. @ViceLikeBlip

@Magicpaintbrush

OP, I think you sound as though you have the strength and morals to walk away from this temptation. The fact that you have realised you would be putting this man's wife through the same pain that you have experienced yourself is good, I'm glad you have recognised that. I'm so sorry that your DH cheated on you, I know myself how that feels, but if you go with this other man you will only be spreading around the misery and eventually it will blow up in your face. When you get found out the shame and guilt will eat you alive and you will regret it forever. Whether you want to stay with your DH after what he did is another matter entirely - maybe one day you will leave him if you can't get past his infidelity, but right now you still have the moral highground between the two of you, don't give it up. The pain caused to your children and also the wife and children of the other man is absolutely not worth it, it would ruin their lives.

This comment helped me a lot today when I was thinking about the work guy. It really helped to be reminded that I do not have to be this person and fall into the trap of cheating and hurting. It means so much. I feel supported and stronger. Thank you, thank you so much.

If you've had it done to you, why would you do it to someone else?
He's not interested in you, only the sex, once he's had you, he'll move onto someone else.
He's a weak pathetic man who is only interested in one thing.
Think about your family finding out about this, your friends, if you can honestly keep your head held high in-front of them without feeling any shame, then go ahead.
Peoples perception of you will change.
Have some self respect.

How irrational of me, but truly it did, and I appreciate your words

It's not irrational to have feelings OP, & you just need to spend a little more time with them, sorting out what it is you actually want - & who you want to be.
Everyone needs a firm-but-fair big sister now & then, & if I was that for you, hurrah!

It really helped to be reminded that I do not have to be this person

See? It's working already!

Get yourself to a really good therapist OP - just for you. Be prepared to meet a few before you find one you just click with: the trust & empathy are vital. You cannot carry on feeling so empty all the time, & your DH isn't helping, by refusing to communicate properly.

@Takeitonthechin

If you've had it done to you, why would you do it to someone else? He's not interested in you, only the sex, once he's had you, he'll move onto someone else. He's a weak pathetic man who is only interested in one thing. Think about your family finding out about this, your friends, if you can honestly keep your head held high in-front of them without feeling any shame, then go ahead. Peoples perception of you will change. Have some self respect.

That’s the issue though. I don’t want this man to love me or leave his wife for me. I don’t think we’d even get along if we were married to be honest. I just wanted to have sex with him because I found him sexually attractive and my brain was going haywire. I’m working on it now, but the feeling was unfamiliar and overwhelming.

@ChargingBuck

It really helped to be reminded that I do not have to be this person

See? It's working already!

Get yourself to a really good therapist OP - just for you. Be prepared to meet a few before you find one you just click with: the trust & empathy are vital. You cannot carry on feeling so empty all the time, & your DH isn't helping, by refusing to communicate properly.

Thank you. Honestly it means a lot. I’m going to speak to Work Guy when we’re back in the office and tell him this needs to stop before it gets out of hand. We are dangerously close to doing something I will most certainly regret…

Well done Plz.

Don't fall into the trap over over-long explanations.
Don't allow him to draw out the discussion, or turn it into a negotiation.
Light, courteous, BRIEF, & with an air of assumption that of course he will comply, as he is also a professional with a family to consider ...

This, if you've not come across it before, may help - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

I wonder if now your DC are older, and you have more brain space to process it, this is a reaction to your DH cheating on you. A sort of he did it so can I, but you are a decent enough person to consider the consequences and don’t want to hurt someone else like you were hurt (the OMs wife).

The fact your DH doesn’t want to try counselling with you, and your communication issues, after he cheated previously says it all really. He obviously doesn’t value you that much, which is why you’ve been taken in by the OMs compliments and attention.

Get some counselling on your own to work through your feelings but don’t get caught up in a sleazy affair where you become the bad guy, are used (come on the OMs not a nice person if he’s prepared to cheat on his wife) and connive to ruin someone else’s life.

Until then if you’re that desperate to fuck this guy, masturbate!

@ChargingBuck

Sorry for the confusion with ny response. I have healthy interests in male family members, friends, colleagues etc in a purely (as you said) platonic way. What I meant was I have no sexual or romantic/flirty interest in any other men other than DH. And you are so incredibly sweet to check in and see if I need an ear! I have a beautiful, caring, loving and respectful DH and we have what my friends would refer to as a sickeningly loving relationship (haha) but I sincerely appreciate your offer. Ditto to anyone who needs a chat!

…before it gets out of hand.

It already has.

Flirting + Admitted sexual feelings + Calling you ‘incredibly pretty, funny and sexy’ + Confiding about marital issues = Emotional Infidelity

OM’s wife would be shattered by the above humiliation. I assume that your H would also.

Use your agency and good sense, OP. You are sabotaging your/your family’s lives and are also harming OM’s family. Cut this dead. Definitively tell OM that you are drawing a line and backing way off. Tell him it’s not up for discussion. From now on, keep a professional distance and limit your interactions. You cannot be friends, either.

As for your H, your connection and communication are in dire need of strengthening. His infidelity and its aftermath have had a corrosive effect, and your current investment of energy elsewhere has created even more distance between you. If H truly values your marriage, he will join you in couples counseling. I am curious if he ever did any structured work on himself (individual counseling, reading, videos, etc.) after he cheated.

Your future individual therapy should benefit you greatly to clarify your feelings. Keep posting, OP.

Either you're in a relationship with DP the father or you're not.
Either way fuck your family up if you feel that's an ok thing to do or not.
You're the boss of your destiny.

Something that I didn't know until recently, is that you get to a point with feelings like this where you think as if the only way out is through - you have to have sex to make the feelings stop.

It's like false labour or something.. it feels bloody real, and as if the only way it will ever stop is when the baby arrives. But you just need to hold your nerve.

It turns out that is not the only end result possible.

You can feel this intensely, and it gets worse and worse, and you just talk yourself through one day at a time, and you make sure you aren't in a position to act on your feelings/ alone together.

You may think about it, you may still have to speak to him, but you "pretend". You pretend to be in control of your thoughts, you just talk about work and light stuff, and you get on with the rest of your life.

Eventually, the feelings start to dissipate. It may take a few weeks, but I promise, the longer you leave off scratching that itch, the more time you will have to observe that actually the way he spoke to someone today really irritated you. Or he seemed to be pretty flirty with another colleague.
Or your husband stepped up and did something nice.
Or you need to concentrate on your separation because you realise that this is a symptom, not an end goal.

Whatever it is, this will fade, and if you can keep that in mind, you can get through the other side in one piece.

Then you can decide how you actually feel about your marriage.

You are already cheating.

If I found texts from my partner to another woman saying everything you say you've already shared with this man, it would be over.

Have a good think OP. He could only be days away from finding out and your whole life is on the line And that of your child.

If I were you, I would let him know the emotional affair is over. You raise it's only going one way and you don't want that.

Then delete his number and the messages and hope there's no way he'll contact your partner.