Please make me see sense - cheat on DH

[Plzstopthisstupidity]

I started working after a long break when I had my kids. The eldest is 7.

I met someone at work, we currently WFH but will be in office soon.

The talking started as banter and fun, it’s quite obviously turned into flirting and he’s admitted he has sexual feelings for me. I do too, but neither of us ‘wants’ to act on them. We are both married.

I have been cheated on by my DH when I had my first child but we moved on. We are currently going through a rough patch you could say, communication issues mainly. I suggested therapy but he’s not interested as he thinks it’s pointless (but is not against me getting therapy alone).

I don’t know. We say we don’t want to act on it but I’m afraid of these unfamiliar feelings. I’ve never thought I would think about cheating let alone do it. I’m 29. Life has been giving me many reality checks lately. I feel so guilty and it is eating me up.

My colleague and I are aware these feelings are wrong. He has a young daughter and his wife seems lovely although he has mentioned marital problems which I took with a pinch of salt anyway… regardless of problems, it isn’t an excuse to cheat.

Please, Mumsnet, I love you and I love this place - please make me see sense before I do something I will regret.

Thank you.

sickeningly loving relationship (haha)

Aaaaaaw, @RobertsYourFathersBrother! That's so nice to hear. :)
As is the update that you're not actually being held hostage & unable to have platonic male chums x

Blimey, @MsDogLady, @lborgia - stonking posts.
'Tough love' at it's best.

I think this man is a symptom, not the illness. You're not happy in your marriage so he's a welcome distraction.

Personally I would go to counselling alone to work out if I still wanted to be married to my husband or not but I wouldn't muddy the water by shagging someone else.

My colleague and I are aware these feelings are wrong.

The feelings are not wrong. Your actions are.

Loads of people meet someone they are sexually attracted to, it's not a big deal, you just have to make sure you act accordingly. If you want a fling, leave your current partner. If you want to stay with your current partner, ditch the idea of a fling.

Don't ruin a home for a night in a hotel x

@PattyPan

The key question is do you want to split up with your husband? Your options are 1. first split up with your husband and then explore these feelings or 2. ignore feelings and stay with your husband. Don't even view cheating as an option.

It’s one of the key questions. The other being ‘do you want to shit from a great height on another woman’. You could take the OP’s marriage completely out of the equation and it would still be a big fat no.

Not rtft but all the replies so far seem to be leaving this side of it out.

You need to leave your husband. Not in order to get laid but because it's inevitable you're looking elsewhere for a relationship. He cheated and you deserve better than being cheated on. You've let yourself be humiliated and a doormat in the relationship but I guess you've finally had enough. Leave because your husband isn't good enough.

@3scape

You need to leave your husband. Not in order to get laid but because it's inevitable you're looking elsewhere for a relationship. He cheated and you deserve better than being cheated on. You've let yourself be humiliated and a doormat in the relationship but I guess you've finally had enough. Leave because your husband isn't good enough.

I don’t know if this is terrible or normal at all but I don’t want to leave my marriage, if I’m honest. I just want to fuck someone else and it happens to be this man at work. Maybe I’m just feeling desired for the first time after being a frumpy mum for years… I don’t know. I’ve never felt so strongly attracted to anyone like this. I think my self-esteem is basically shit right now and it’s encouraging a lot of this stupidity. I should not be feeling this way.

My DH does ‘meet my needs’ and I apologise for the TMI but I feel like I can be honest on Mumsnet. We had sex 3 times yesterday because I wanted to even though he was fine with just once. I also offered round 4 but he said he’s exhausted now. I don’t know why I’m suddenly feeling like this. I actually had a cry about it because I feel sickened at myself. I’ve always been a ‘sexual’ person and have enjoyed sexual relations but now it’s like I just want it constantly. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

@Plzstopthisstupidity

My DH does ‘meet my needs’ and I apologise for the TMI but I feel like I can be honest on Mumsnet. We had sex 3 times yesterday because I wanted to even though he was fine with just once. I also offered round 4 but he said he’s exhausted now. I don’t know why I’m suddenly feeling like this. I actually had a cry about it because I feel sickened at myself. I’ve always been a ‘sexual’ person and have enjoyed sexual relations but now it’s like I just want it constantly. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

His poor Wife. What a shitty thing to do.

I am stopping myself from acting on my feelings. I’m not rushing to make excuses to fuck him. It’s already in dangerous territory, I’m not denying anything, I’m just being honest on here and saying I’m in a mess (of my own making)

@curledupinaball I just realised you may have misunderstood. I had sex with my husband not with the work man.

I’ve come to accept the fact that I have had an emotional affair, even if it was short. It’s hurting my brain to think about such things.

I tell myself all the right things but a part of me worries that I won’t be so sensible when the times comes.

You haven’t actually met him in RL have you?

This emotional affair has all been virtual

We have met in the office when the restrictions weren’t as strict. Recently we have been working from home 90% of the time but are due to return to the office very soon according to the recent updates

Be honest

How many times have you actually been in physical presence of him and not virtual engagement?

You come across like a good person. You don’t want to have an affair with a married man. But I think you’ve got low self-esteem, no doubt due in no small part to your DH cheating on you when you were at a vulnerable stage in your life. And this man’s attention is flattering and exciting.

The thing is, if you did act on these feelings, I can pretty much guarantee it would no longer be flattering and exciting. You’d feel used, sordid and guilty, and hate yourself.

I can’t count the exact amount but we’ve been working together for a year now and for a few months in a row I saw him at least 3 days per week.

Does virtual/real life even make much difference?

@Plzstopthisstupidity

Does virtual/real life even make much difference?

Yes, most definitely

Bizarre you think otherwise

@Toanewstart22 Ah, I’ll bite. Why is it bizarre? I’ve always been skeptical about sharing my personal issues on Mumsnet but over the years I’ve felt like I can get support on here to make correct decisions. Tough love is fine but what is this condescending attitude some of you love to share? Virtual or real, an affair is an affair. I’ve met the guy countless times (and no physical stuff has happened) and I’ve spoken to him virtually too. I’m being as clear and honest as possible and the snide little remarks are starting to trigger me just a little.

Someone at my work came onto me in similar circs. Even if he weren’t a bit of a (rich, entitled) tosser, any temptation I might have felt soon disappeared when I pictured my (and separately, his) DC crying about the family break up and not seeing mummy every day and my DH sitting sadly alone on the sofa without me.

And it may not even work out with him so you could easily end up alone, feeling miserable and used. Even in the unlikely event it did work, you would be into step-child hell as the OW.

Honestly @Plzstopthisstupidity - this is NOT about the other guy, I’m not sure it’s even about your husband. You’ve fallen in lust with someone, and yes, by comparison, your husband seems even more unhelpful than he did before (yes, it’s possible).

Just deal with the feelings. Stop beating yourself up, or listening to those who somehow think they can make you feel even worse about yourself than you do already. Again, that’s about them, not you.

I know you wanted to be talked out of this, but you already know that it’s wrong.

What you are feeling right now is chemical. It’s your body taking over from your good sense/rational side.

When you said that about having so much sex with your husband, it actually made me wonder if there’s something else going on with your hormone levels. Would you have that much sex normally given the option?

Anyway, don’t worry about that right now. Go back to what I said before, and treat it like an illness. You need to give yourself time, and have a little patience. This has been building a long time, don’t expect to solve it in a day.

I did question hormones for a second when I realised I’m literally wanting to have sex at least 2-3 times per day, but I think I’ve always had this side to me, it was just put away when I had kids and was busy raising them through the early years… at one point I wondered if I was just becoming addicted to sex as a coping mechanism