Page 3 | Please make me see sense - cheat on DH

Hawkins001 · 21/01/2022 00:17

@Plzstopthisstupidity

It shocks me how suddenly the banter switched. I think it was all harmless flirting at first but then we happened to open up about certain marital issues and blah blah blah. What a cliche I turned out to be.

That's the thing, as you speak more frequently, the conversation can soon snowball and soon heads into stranger tides, so to speak.

Hawkins001 · 21/01/2022 00:20

@Plzstopthisstupidity

I just had a really demoralising and depressing moment with DH. Feel like we aren’t on the same page ever. All I want to do is forget my life and fuck about for the night to feel something good. So stupid and pathetic of me. I’m looking for therapy right now. This is depressing.

What if, a hotel room, a "business meeting" and what happens in the meeting is confidential and a non disclosure agreement is agreed upon ?

Quackpot · 21/01/2022 00:25

Dont be a twat

madisonbridges · 21/01/2022 00:28

We all meet people that tempt us and some meet people that they really want to explore a relationship with. I think its understandable. I don't know as a species that we were meant to be monogamous. I think its more of a social construct. But if it's so important for a person to get involved with someone else, they should be honest and tell their partner beforehand and finish the relationship. It's not the wanting to be with other people I think is wrong, it's the lies and deceit that go with it that undermine the innocent spouse's confidence.

Sportslady44 · 21/01/2022 00:29

You need to be careful. It's not uncommon to be attracted to someone else at all. It can make you feel excited and alive but it's very dangerous.

If and when the shit hits the fan alot of peo0le get hurt.

RobertsYourFathersBrother · 21/01/2022 07:04

@MasterBeth

Marriages have problems. Working through them together is what makes a strong marriage.

You’re going to have sexual feelings for plenty of men through your marriage. You don’t have to fuck any of them.

Ummm. What now? I've had no interest in any other man, sexual or otherwise since meeting my now DH.

What an odd thing to say.

Original poster

Plzstopthisstupidity · 21/01/2022 12:24

I must say I admire you for that. I’m 100% sure my husband has had sexual feelings towards others during our marriage and even my friends who have NOT cheated on their partners have admitted to having sexual feelings for others that they have not acted on.

It’s not the first time I’ve been attracted to someone else for their physical characteristics to be honest, it’s just the first time part of me wanted to act on those feelings.

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Original poster

Plzstopthisstupidity · 21/01/2022 12:26

@Hawkins001

I am sorry but what do you mean by this? A business meeting in a hotel room? NDA?

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AryaStarkWolf · 21/01/2022 12:28

Go see the therapist on your own and talk about it, you can be 100% honest with them. It's an issue that your DH isn't trying to sort out your marriage problems but cheating is only going to make things worse, maybe you need to leave your marriage but figure that out before you start seeing someone else

Toanewstart22 · 21/01/2022 12:29

I’m guessing this has mainly taking place virtually and not in person?

Toanewstart22 · 21/01/2022 12:33

How do you know he has a “great body”?

lemmein · 21/01/2022 12:42

@Antonbris

You already are cheating.

Totally agree with this. No judgement OP, been there, felt shit about it - but if you're already sharing 'flirty sexual banter' you're already cheating on your DH.

You don't have to fuck him to destroy his wife - if she finds the messages between you the damage will be done - same with your DH.

Emerald5hamrock · 21/01/2022 12:42

It’s not the first time I’ve been attracted to someone else for their physical characteristics
Sometimes it is a reality check that your marriage is over, you can't plaster over a broken marriage, he cheated and isn't very nice.
You don't need another man, you need to get rid of one who is unwilling to change or work at the relationship.

Magicpaintbrush · 21/01/2022 13:07

OP, I think you sound as though you have the strength and morals to walk away from this temptation. The fact that you have realised you would be putting this man's wife through the same pain that you have experienced yourself is good, I'm glad you have recognised that. I'm so sorry that your DH cheated on you, I know myself how that feels, but if you go with this other man you will only be spreading around the misery and eventually it will blow up in your face. When you get found out the shame and guilt will eat you alive and you will regret it forever. Whether you want to stay with your DH after what he did is another matter entirely - maybe one day you will leave him if you can't get past his infidelity, but right now you still have the moral highground between the two of you, don't give it up. The pain caused to your children and also the wife and children of the other man is absolutely not worth it, it would ruin their lives.

neverbeenskiing · 21/01/2022 13:16

I married young, about 20. I’ve been with my husband (first partner) and had kids early on so sometimes it feels like this is all I’ll have forever and I ache for more.

I get it. YANBU to feel that way, but here's the thing: those were choices you made and this man's wife and child don't deserve to have their whole world turned upside down so that you can experience the fun and excitement that, with hindsight, you now feel you've missed out on. If you want to leave your DH, leave your DH. Then you can sleep with whoever you want. But don't break up another family and compromise your own integrity by cheating.

Original poster

Plzstopthisstupidity · 21/01/2022 17:45

My DH is trying to make an effort… we had an almost heart to heart discussion today. Talked about cheating etc. too. I don’t know. I don’t want to leave him to be honest, he’s a good dad and he’s changed a lot since the cheating although by no means is he perfect. He’s not big on expressing emotion which is where we sometimes stumble.

It’s weird. I don’t want to cheat. I won’t let myself. But it’s so hard when someone gives you a little taste of the things you want to hear.

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Cstring · 21/01/2022 17:54

@Toanewstart22

How do you know he has a “great body”?

Yes, exactly. It sounds to me like you are half way to doing it tbh, I’m not really buying your protests about not wanting to hurt his wife etc etc. Unless you get a grip right now, you’ll be shagging him the first opportunity you get.

Original poster

Plzstopthisstupidity · 21/01/2022 18:50

I know about the body because he’s quite well known in the boxing, sports, etc. field and I’ve seen public photos. It’s also quite easy to tell certain things even when someone is fully dressed (like huge strong arms and an athletic build…)

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Original poster

Plzstopthisstupidity · 21/01/2022 18:52

I just want to make one thing clear.

I’m not justifying my behaviour or feelings at all. I feel sick about how caught up I have gotten and it scares me that I am capable of something I was so adamantly against. It scares me to the point where I finally signed up for therapy after 5+ years of planning.

I feel bad about wanting to have sex with him when I’m married, he’s married, children are involved and we’re not the last two people on earth.

I just came on Mumsnet for support through this, not for reasons to cheat, that much I can promise.

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curledupinaball · 21/01/2022 18:57

@Plzstopthisstupidity

I started working after a long break when I had my kids. The eldest is 7.

I met someone at work, we currently WFH but will be in office soon.

The talking started as banter and fun, it’s quite obviously turned into flirting and he’s admitted he has sexual feelings for me. I do too, but neither of us ‘wants’ to act on them. We are both married.

I have been cheated on by my DH when I had my first child but we moved on. We are currently going through a rough patch you could say, communication issues mainly. I suggested therapy but he’s not interested as he thinks it’s pointless (but is not against me getting therapy alone).

I don’t know. We say we don’t want to act on it but I’m afraid of these unfamiliar feelings. I’ve never thought I would think about cheating let alone do it. I’m 29. Life has been giving me many reality checks lately. I feel so guilty and it is eating me up.

My colleague and I are aware these feelings are wrong. He has a young daughter and his wife seems lovely although he has mentioned marital problems which I took with a pinch of salt anyway… regardless of problems, it isn’t an excuse to cheat.

Please, Mumsnet, I love you and I love this place - please make me see sense before I do something I will regret.

Thank you.

I am going through absolute hell with my suspected cheating Husband. Real physical pain. Please don't inflict this on another Woman.

Original poster

Plzstopthisstupidity · 21/01/2022 19:13

I’m so sorry @curledupinaball I have been in your position and it broke my trust in ways I cannot explain. I feel for you so much and I hope you find healing and peace in whatever decisions you make.

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CheekyHobson · 21/01/2022 19:17

I have been cheated on by my DH when I had my first child but we moved on. We are currently going through a rough patch you could say, communication issues mainly. I suggested therapy but he’s not interested as he thinks it’s pointless (but is not against me getting therapy alone).

I just had a really demoralising and depressing moment with DH. Feel like we aren’t on the same page ever. All I want to do is forget my life and fuck about for the night to feel something good. So stupid and pathetic of me. I’m looking for therapy right now. This is depressing.

Seems pretty evident to me that you haven't fully moved on from the affair and that your husband doesn't really want to put any work into improving your communication issues, so as a couple you are drifting apart emotionally. Emotional disconnection often leads to partners losing interest in sex, and that's when a marriage is ripe for an affair to occur.

OP, you seem pretty self-aware when it comes to recognising that an affair would hurt your marriage. But I think you need to recognise that you're feeling disconnected from your husband because he's not pulling his weight in terms of communication and connection, which is essential for a marriage to thrive.

You can go to therapy on your own but that's not going to make your husband improve his communication, so your marriage will remain at risk.

Maybe he needs a wake-up call in the form of you sitting him down and telling him that you've become attracted to a guy at work, you don't want to end up straying from the marriage like he did but you're feeling disconnected from him (your husband) and receiving connection, communication and attention from another man has made the weaknesses in your marriage clear. So because you're committed to your marriage, you want to go to therapy together to solve the communication problems.

inheritancetrack · 21/01/2022 19:20

Have an affair and your partner ends the relationship. Affair partners wife forgives him, he realises his DW and child are more important than you.

You become a single mum while your DP moves on and finds a new partner. affair partner and his wife make a go of their marriage and you are shunned by the 3 other adults involved. And you have to tell your children and see what they make of you forcing them into poverty and cheating on their dad.

BeanCalledPickle · 21/01/2022 20:40

A slightly different perspective. I was in a similar position. It was a massive emotional affair in so much as what I thought was worse than what I did. We exchanged a lot of late night messages that tended towards flirtation but kept just the right side of the line. What I actually did was to spend a day out with someone from work which ended in a lot of kissing . But in my head and in my text messages it was a proper affair.

It actually helped. It put me in a position of actually telling my husband and us making arrangements to split up. We calmly worked through what our lives would look like apart. Started to tell people and got the ball rolling. And then we realised we didn’t want that version of our lives and that, actually, things were not as bad as we thought. And we didn’t split up. We recovered it and we are good now.

I don’t regret it. Dipping a toe in the forbidden unknown was exciting. I felt wanted and desired. It made me realise I actually wanted that from my husband and determined to recover it. Without the affair I wouldn’t have had that realisation.

This was all pre pandemic and a couple of years later I still occasionally chat with the OM. He’s a work colleague and back firmly in that box. No one’s lives were destroyed.

I make it sound simple but I was head fucked at the time. The thing with affairs is that it’s always exciting unless it progresses and then you are just arguing about domestic stuff with someone else. The reason you have that lust is because you aren’t washing their pants. You are at that crossroads now where you have to decide what to do. I am genuinely not condoning an affair. But I am pointing out that sometimes it takes doing something murky to make other things clear.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/01/2022 20:42

Sorry, no no from me.

If you feel the need to “cheat”, you’re with the wrong partner, whatever the circumstances.

Leave the current partner first.