Think my husband has a lovechild

[Claire14467]

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time.
I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money?
Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

[AliceMcK]

Personally I’d want as much information as I could get from the man, his background, his story, his mums name before I spoke to my husband so he could lie his way out of it.

[MarshmallowFondant]

@IMissSunnyDays

34 years might predate when this became a thing but are you sure he didn't donate sperm at somepoint? I have a feeling this is going to happen an awful lot in future the number of sperm donor babies. I know when we were at uni 20 years ago some lads got paid to donate, I actually asked my husband if he ever had before we had children. Or it could quite easily be mistaken identity if he's contacted you through some other means (I don't know exactly how the dna thing on ancestry sites works), but I wouldn't jump straight to the conclusion he had an affair.

This is very true. I knew friends who did it in the early - mid 90s.

And at that point, they were being guaranteed anonymity, that they would never ever be contacted by a child or descendants of a child in the future.

[JSL52]

Do you think your husband will try and deny it ? If this man has proof they will probably both need to do a DNA test.

[SocialConnection]

Only to add, If you have the young man's full name you could try searching him on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn to see if you can find photos.

[Mumof3confused]

Have you contacted ancestry.com? I wonder if it’s a scam and you’ve got the email because you registered on the site on behalf of your husband? They might be trying to blackmail him for money in return for his silence.

[ElEmEnOhPee]

Have you spoken further with the young man? Has his mother given him any indication as to how he was conceived? (Sperm donation/Affair/ONS etc) - surely he's had questions growing up and she must have told him something.

As for why he contacted OP - I manage several lots of DNA results and they're all linked to my account so I will be the one who sorts through any messages. Presumably OP manages her DHs DNA results and that's why she has been contacted rather then DH.

Ancestry is fairly accurate, in my experience, at determining relationships. I have mine, my mums, my nans, my great aunts and my step mothers DNA results - my nans sister, my uncle and other family members are all on there, Ancestry has accurately predicted all of these relationships based on the amount of cM (centimorgans) we share. I'm not saying there isn't room for error during processing but I find it unlikely.

[STripleM]

Gosh OP what a mare. What happened when you confronted your husband? Is there any update?

[1forAll74]

If this situation turns out to be true, I would hope that all concerned,would be open and honest about things from the past, as it was a long time ago that things happened, and although it's a shock to hear, people can overcome things., and go forth in the way they wish to afterwards.

[STripleM]

Apologies OP, did not realise this conversation was taking place today - my eyes read the dates and thought it was weeks ago.

[elelel]

@MananaTomorrow


Because when the OP said love child, this is not what came to your mid? Come on….

I misjudged the comment and apologised. No need to continue this. I have no issue apologising when I make a mistake, not sure why you have an issue.

[irishfarmer]

@Gonnagetgoing I'd say the changes are slim to none but said I'd ask.

[Bortles]

As someone who is both a lovechild and a bastard I can confirm both terms and outdates, unneceessary and offensive. Hope op saves her anger for the husband, not the potential son.

[sadpapercourtesan]

How are people seeing birth/marriage certificates on Ancestry? I can only see surface details like electoral lists, if I want to see a birth certificate I have to order it and pay. Same for marriage certificates.

Ancestry seems to have changed its format since I last visited and weirdly a lot of the information about my relatives that I'd found previously has either changed or gone, I'm really confused

[MarshmallowFondant]

@emeraldjones

As a pp said this is not the same as a laboratory DNA test to establish relationships, but more an indication of where your ancestors may have come from.

I have done some research into Ancestry's DNA matching and it is by no means exact. There are a lot of variables - 50% likelihood of (a) or could be 50% likelihood of (b) and so on. To be honest I think it's a waste of money but harmless unless something like this happens and people leap to conclusions.

To establish an accurate DNA match you would have to go to a designated lab and probably pay quite a lot.

Sorry but that is complete nonsense.

Ancestry DNA testing - or other DNA testing by companies like 23 and Me, My Heritage, Family Tree DNA is the same as a DNA test to establish relationships as it IS a DNA test to establish relationships.

It is not a test where you send off sample A and sample B as in a paternity test and results come back, Jeremy Kyle style, that there is a 99% probability that A is the father of B.

But analysing your DNA, centimorgans and segments matching to other people who have taken the tests is accurate - how could it not be? As I explained upthread though you must understand the numbers and what potential relationship could be. Is it a half-sibling, or a cousin? An aunt, or a niece? But coupled with traditional genealogy, it is usually simple enough to work out what the relationship is between two matching individuals.

The less scientific bit is the ethnicity estimate, which gives a broad indication of the parts of the country/world your ancestors came from.

[MyOtherProfile]

What a shock for you. I hope it all turns out to be an error.

[MarshmallowFondant]

@sadpapercourtesan

How are people seeing birth/marriage certificates on Ancestry? I can only see surface details like electoral lists, if I want to see a birth certificate I have to order it and pay. Same for marriage certificates.

Ancestry seems to have changed its format since I last visited and weirdly a lot of the information about my relatives that I'd found previously has either changed or gone, I'm really confused

They're not.

Not for UK ones anyway. Unless other users have ordered them from the GRO / Scotland's People and have scanned them in as an image.

People are seeing indexes and don't understand the difference between an index listing and the full record.

[Vapeyvapevape]

What did this person actually say to you op ? He must have said something more than there's a dna match.

[givememykeys]

@Mumof3confused

Have you contacted ancestry.com? I wonder if it’s a scam and you’ve got the email because you registered on the site on behalf of your husband? They might be trying to blackmail him for money in return for his silence.

I can't work out what you mean.

Do you think a scammer has registered on the DNA site in the hope that he will find a father he doesn't know or that scammers have hacked the website and are sending fake messages to everyone on the site in the hope of hitting lucky with a man who has a secret child and is stupid enough not to ask for the DNA match confirmation?

[Iluvperegrines]

The only way this could be a scam is if someone managed to get your husbands child or parent to do a dna test and then upload it to ancestry.

The cms for parents and child are around 3485cms. It’s not easy for them to be mistaken. If your husband was a identical twin - it could be the twin’s child though.

And as other people have stated above it’s easy to manage other accounts, I manage the amounts for my parents as well as myself so if anyone were to message them - it would come through to me. The messaging is done through ancestry so you message people without even knowing their name but only their user name.

Sorry you have had a shock op but if this is really your husbands child please at least make sure you give him medical info and treat him sensitively. He didn’t ask to be born. Best of luck.

[FaLaLaLaLaaaar]

@Claire14467 Do you know the Mother’s name?

That may tell you all you need to know about whether it is true or not.

I hope there is an error

[Ellowyn]

It sounds as if the OP sent in her and her husbands DNA and the Ancestry account was in her name. People can send messages to each other on the account. The Ancestry message also go to the email address you submitted. OP would be the manager of the account.

I sent the whole families DNA to 23&Me and I manage the all accounts. In other words, I can open their messages if I want.

[GalacticGoddess]

OP I hope you get to the bottom of this.
If it is genuine, the young man must be in a fair bit of turmoil as well as you!

Hopefully as some posters say it's a near match like a half sibling or cousin etc. and hopefully it isn't the result of any extra marital activities from your DH.

Does he have access to the Ancestry account as I know you said he wasn't keen

[Figgygal]

I wouldnt jump to any conclusions personally
How did this person get your details?