Think my husband has a lovechild

[Claire14467]

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time.
I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money?
Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

People pretending not to understand how or why OP is angry and upset are really not being very empathetic.

OP could your DH have been a sperm donor as a student for extra cash? I can't imagine they'd keep it for 9 years but there may be another explanation

This is a good suggestion. I did a quick google they keep for 10 years on average.

@elelel

A love child?

You mean 'a child' ?

There is no need to be snide.

I suppose you'll just have to ask your husband later. But try keep calm about it so you can get real info out of him without him just pulling back and saying you are accusing him.

Long shot, he's not an identical twin is he?

I'm not surprised you're shocked or angry and upset.

But to take the say so of a young man off the back of a DNA test that he's the son of your DH and thinks he's the father - well this sort of sounds like a Jeremy Kyle storyline.

I'd broach it with your DH and see what he says and then go further with the ancestry site, contact the young man and arrange for more tests. If the results come back negative that's fine but if they're positive and your DH wasn't a sperm donor then you have some thinking to do re your marriage.

Depending on the level of certainty you have about this young man’s claim (it’s very easy to find contact details online for most people) I would sit your DH down and tell him you are having this conversation one the grounds that he must be truthful. If you later find out he’s lying I wouldn’t be able to forgive him.

If he’s truthful and accepts it is or could be true then you have to decide how to proceed of course but the truth right now would be my primary concern.

Take care.

Been through family DNA shit over a so called claimant.

Do your research on this person. Don't jump to conclusions and talk to your husband about what happened

Can you try and piece the story together before speaking to your husband?

I don't know how this works but does a parental match actually mean the person is the parent or could it be a match in that the parent is a close family member of the matched person - if that makes sense

Steff13 - Exactly. He would not have access to the OPs address on ancestry.

@irishfarmer

I suppose you'll just have to ask your husband later. But try keep calm about it so you can get real info out of him without him just pulling back and saying you are accusing him.

Long shot, he's not an identical twin is he?

@irishfarmer - he could be an identical twin - e.g. the twin could've been given up for adoption and then fathered a child, unknowingly. But the chances of both those scenarios and others based around them are very far fetched I'd imagine.

I’d be devastated too, all you can do is ask your husband to do a dna test to find out one way or another.

The level of certainty will be right there on ancestry if the OP has a look. Presumably that's how she received the message, she must manage her DH's DNA on there.

Did he say it was a parental match? You get loads of matches on Ancestry and some are very obscure. I have no one closer than one first or second cousin.

As for those saying how was he able to get in touch and why op and not her husband. You put your dna results on your account and matches are able to send a message. It not compulsory, but most do this. The dna results can also be managed by another account if you nominate them. I will probably manage my husband's when we get around to sorting it out.

The person who messages wouldn't know who I was exactly or where I lived. Living people aren't named on the trees, although it's possible to make a guess if you researcch enough.

Op, I wouldn't go around being angry just yet. Have you checked this young man's profile and information he has on Ancestry? There may not be much if he only joined to find his father. I would want more information before reacting.

I can understand your distress and upset. You won't get any answers though, until you talk to your husband.

How did the young man contact you? How did he get your details?

How is your DNA in the public domain???

That's very odd? No?

Isnt' that sort of thing private?

Just because your husband was reluctant to do it, doesn't mean to say it's his child. Personally I don't want to do a genetic test nor would I ever share the results online. I can understand your huband's reserve. I have nothing to hide. I just don't want my genetic code on Google. In the future who knows where that information will land and what will be done with it.

I'd calm right down for now and phone the website and talk to someone and ask them if it's legit.

Did he attempt to contact your H first?

Obviously it's good to be sceptical... but let's remember just how many men (and women) DO have affairs. So there is a chance too that this is real.

Thank you for your advice everyone. I’ll hold tight and speak to him later. I’m hoping there’s an explanation for all of this

@elelel

A love child?

You mean 'a child' ?

god another tedious deliberately obtuse bully. You know what she means- and she is distressed

That's very odd? No?

No? If you do an Ancestry-style DNA test you have the option to upload your results to a database so that relatives you may not know about can match with you. It's fairly normal these days.

@Claire14467

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time. I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money? Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

I do know quite a bit about Ancestry DNA matches and how that all works.

If you log into your DH's ancestry account, or into your account if you have rights to "manage" his DNA, then you will be able to see the match. On the right, click the sort button and select "close to distant".

This person should then come up. Click on "view match". The site will suggest a potential relationship and then say something like "3% shared DNA | 177 cM across 13 segments" (that's from my matches, your numbers will be higher). Take a note of the cM number - that's centimorgans and is the measure of closeness in genetic terms.

Then go to this site which is the shared centimorgan project and will help you make sense of the number.

dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4

The range you would expect for a parent-child is 2376 cM to 3720 cM.

BUT if the match is at the lower end of that range there are other possibilities. 1160-2436 cM could be a half-sibling. 984-2462 could be a grandchild.

Ancestry will suggest the MOST PROBABLE relationship but they cannot say with 100% certainty what that relationship is.

Do not take what you are being told at face value. Understand the numbers, take it from there.

@Claire14467 when you look at the DNA matches this would be at the top. How many centimorgans do they share?

Unless the OP and her husband share a very, very unusual surname and the young man has done an online search for their address, i don't see how he could contact the OP. I'm on ancestry and it only gives me the names of people who share DNA with me (they've all been cousins several times removed or whatever it is and shared les than 1% DNA). It also tells me roughly where they are, e.g. country and in a few cases the town.

How did he contact you?