Think my husband has a lovechild

[Claire14467]

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time.
I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money?
Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

If you want confirmation then you can add me as a viewer and I can check it out for you.
And no, he’s not lying. If he’s matched him on Ancestry then they are related, though not necessarily father and son. DNA doesn’t lie, people do.

I hope you get the answers you want. It may not be a strong match.

@elelel

You know full well what she means. She's obviously distressed don't add to it by being pedantic.

It's vulgar. I can be 'pedantic' if I choose. Thanks.

It's a common phrase. It's remarkable to me that someone expresses a dilemma and one of the first responses is about word choice.

That's vulgar.

Thanks.

@UniversalAunt

Hi *@MarshmallowFondant* keep up the good work here. You are clearly a very experienced Ancestry user & DNA genealogist. You know your cMs from your centimetres 😉.

Ah you're too kind. Autosomal DNA I am fairly experienced in. Y-Dna is a total mystery.

But I do know my cM from my cm.

Why did he contact you and not your husband

And where did he get your details from?

Have you seen or spoken to DH yet OP?

I hope you get some answers op

@OhM8

Why did he contact you and not your husband

And where did he get your details from?

Again……if you’re the keeper of someone’s DNA account on Ancestry, the messages come to you.

I’d be suspicious that someone had contacted me directly. I would’ve thought Ancestry.com couldn’t give out personal details of potential matches due to the data protection act. It could be a con.

"Where did he get your details from" is this thread's "Have you cancelled the cheque?"

Why don't people JUST READ THE THREAD.

If this man received a notification that your DH was a parental match did your DH also receive a notification that this man was a match to him?

Surely the matching works both ways?

Oh what a horrible shock

I hope you can get into the dna account and get some more information

Fingers crossed that it’s a false alarm

@MadeForThis

If this man received a notification that your DH was a parental match did your DH also receive a notification that this man was a match to him?

Surely the matching works both ways?

You have to proactively go and look at your matches. New matches are being added all of the time. I get constant emails from Ancestry about new matches and never read any of them.

An 'innocent explanation' is unlikely, but it doesn't mean that the OP's husband is the guilty party.
There was a story in the Telegraph or Guardian about a lady who did a DNA test and found that her biological father lived in Essex. He and his wife were struggling to conceive back in the 50's or 60's and a Harley Street specialist offered discounted/pro bono checks on chaps, to see if they were the cause.
The GPs and patients were only concerned to know whether the sperm was viable or not. With regular deliveries of confirmed, viable sperm, the specialist was able to inseminate rich patients.
At the time, there was no suggestion that the profitable recycling would ever be detectable.
Donation or testing before the OP became pregnant could be an explanation.

If this man contacted you, then chances are he has already contacted your 'DH; too. Did he say?

Have you spoken to him about it yet? There's no point asking a bunch of strangers on the internet if you can't talk to your husband about it.

Sorry, it's shocking news, but you do need to talk to your husband.

Surely you should begin by simply telling your husband what has happened. Don't really see the point in some people's suggestions that she go Miss Marple and research this man or his family. Ultimately the truth lies with her husband and presumably his ancestry account as I would assume he also has the DNA match flagged.

It is an extremely confusing and distressing situation to be in and it looks like there are some very difficult conversations and changes ahead. But keeping it to herself and wild theories going round in OP's head won't help.

@Claire14467

As @MarshmallowFondant has mentioned, it is the cMs measurement on the Ancestry matching (or for any other consumer DNA testing) that is the critical first step.

The person contacting you as account holder may have the cM scoring that indicates that he is a child, nephew, half nephew & so on.

I have been contacted by a range of people through Ancestry DNA matching, some are half known 2nd cousins, some are completely unknown 3rd cousins in the US & Australia & this reflects the migration patterns in the past 100 years.

Until you have looked into the Ancestry match data & worked where the historic connection is, please assume as little as possible.

Yes, there is a chance that the person contacting you has a cM number so high it is most likely that there is a parental relationship. But until more is known, please keep an open mind.

@CorrBlimeyGG

How has he contacted you? Why has he not contacted your husband?

They may have a shared ancestry account and the OP is the named member, so goes to her email.

That is a shocker. I hope OP can make peace with whatever happens next.

@knittingaddict

Did he say it was a parental match? You get loads of matches on Ancestry and some are very obscure. I have no one closer than one first or second cousin.

As for those saying how was he able to get in touch and why op and not her husband. You put your dna results on your account and matches are able to send a message. It not compulsory, but most do this. The dna results can also be managed by another account if you nominate them. I will probably manage my husband's when we get around to sorting it out.

The person who messages wouldn't know who I was exactly or where I lived. Living people aren't named on the trees, although it's possible to make a guess if you researcch enough.

Op, I wouldn't go around being angry just yet. Have you checked this young man's profile and information he has on Ancestry? There may not be much if he only joined to find his father. I would want more information before reacting.

This is almost exactly the post I was going to write. I manage my husband's Ancestry DNA as he doesn't have his own account. Parental DNA is very accurate. My DDs are my children on Ancestry DNA.

For general interest, you can see a quick look up table of how shared cM measurements suggest familial relationship. As you can see some cM scores fall within the range of several different relationships. Some scores strongly indicate a parental relationship.

There is far more to autosomal DNA than where your ancestors hung out sometime in the past. Professional researchers help adoptees find birth parents by using shared DNA relationships, statistical modelling & record searching.

What a shock for you.

I do hope you are OK

@knittingaddict very helpful post.

The WATO - what are the odds - tool is along the same lines but more complex.

dnapainter.com/tools/probability