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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think my husband has a lovechild

507 replies

Claire14467 · 20/01/2022 13:37

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time.
I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money?
Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 20/01/2022 17:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/01/2022 17:25

We're not love children either. We re usually children of a brief shag or sordid affair and nearly always unwanted.

MintMatchmaker · 20/01/2022 17:25

Exactly. Which is why I said “on the assumption that the match has been read correctly”.

nitsandwormsdodger · 20/01/2022 17:25

What will you do if it’s a 25 year old affair ?
Do you have any inkling of who the mother could beat that time you have the mans name ?

UniversalAunt · 20/01/2022 17:27

Hi @MarshmallowFondant keep up the good work here.
You are clearly a very experienced Ancestry user & DNA genealogist. You know your cMs from your centimetres 😉.

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 20/01/2022 17:28

How accurate is this ancestry site? Yes. If only a few people had taken the time to explain it(!)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/01/2022 17:29

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

We're not love children either. We re usually children of a brief shag or sordid affair and nearly always unwanted.
Yup, that's me.
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 20/01/2022 17:29

Oh dear "Literally shaking" doesn't bode well.

Argh! Have we been had?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2022 17:30

@Claire14467

Thank you for your advice everyone. I’ll hold tight and speak to him later. I’m hoping there’s an explanation for all of this
The explanation is your husband had a child with another woman. I'm sorry, op. This happened in my family and has caused a massive fallout.
Madge55 · 20/01/2022 17:33

Well said.

Esspee · 20/01/2022 17:34

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I found my father on ancestry and a brother. I was so excited and contacted them. Shit storm ensued and I was told never to contact them again or else. I was devastated as my mother and stepfather rejected me and I was made to leave their home at 16. Whatever your feelings are this young man has done nothing wrong and deserves at least a photo. I didn't even get that and know nothing about mt heritage, family or medical history which is all I wanted really. Its pretty awful being rejected by both parents.
💐 for you Shehasadiamondinthesky. I am so sorry you experienced this. I hope you have a wonderful life without them. They sound awful.
Hopeisnotastrategy · 20/01/2022 17:35

OP it is very unfair you have been placed in this position, and after 34 years of marriage you must literally be reeling. I am so sorry.

I am in a long marriage and I know what it is to be blindsided by secrets from the past. I am sorry some posters have been less than sensitive to your situation.

My best advice is to take a deep breath first, and try and regain your equilibrium. You are still you, and the world is still turning. On the face of it this young man has been very insensitive in landing this on you, but there may be various reasons for that. You are where you are.

Others have advised you to look at the degree of the match, but the main thing you need to do is speak to your husband and take it from there. Make it clear he needs to be totally honest.

May I just add, that sometimes things that appear as a total catastrophe can turn out to be unexpected and wonderful blessings. One step at a time, eh? I wish you luck and send you support. x

pilates · 20/01/2022 17:36

It may be an error. I’m so surprised that he had your details to be able to contact you. Surely there should be some sort of third party to mediate with before making calls. To receive a phone call like that out of the blue must have been very distressing for you.

GrandmasCat · 20/01/2022 17:37

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I found my father on ancestry and a brother. I was so excited and contacted them. Shit storm ensued and I was told never to contact them again or else. I was devastated as my mother and stepfather rejected me and I was made to leave their home at 16. Whatever your feelings are this young man has done nothing wrong and deserves at least a photo. I didn't even get that and know nothing about mt heritage, family or medical history which is all I wanted really. Its pretty awful being rejected by both parents.
This 100% whatever your husband did, don’t take it on his son.

Personally, I know you are upset but I would say that is very unlikely the son is contacting you for money so, get angry with your husband, the son is NOT at fault.

And also, feel free to flame me but a child is a child, with as much right to be treated with respect whether he was born into out of wedlock. So if you can’t contain yourself, don’t engage with him. You don’t even know who the mum is or the circumstances under which she got pregnant. She has certainly gone the extra mile to avoid the kid being part of your husband’s life.

cherish123 · 20/01/2022 17:38

Oh no. I would have it out with him. There might be a explanation - eg a nephew.

Presumably he doesn't know about this child or he wouldn't have sent off his own DNA.

deleteasappropriate · 20/01/2022 17:40

@steff13

You can get someone’s name and address off ancestry. After that it’s not hard to find anything else online.

Addresses are not listed on ancestry. And living relatives names are hidden. Marriage certificates, etc., are only available in ancestry if they're uploaded as public.

If you're on the electoral register and didn't opt out of the full register which is freely available your address may well be on Ancestry or Findmypast. FMP has more up to date info but if you haven't moved for a few years it's definitely available there, also on 192 .com. You can do a name search or an address search.
Mrgrinch · 20/01/2022 17:41

I have no experience of this but I hope you get some answers

Icanflyhigh · 20/01/2022 17:42

I'm sorry you've had such a shock OP, try and be as calm as you can - getting riled up will automatically put your husbands defenses up and IF there is a backstory to this, you won't get the truth up you're angry and confrontational. You've been married 34 years, you know how to handle it x

NYnewstart · 20/01/2022 17:47

What a shock. Did your dh go to uni? I do know several guys who made a bit of extra cash that way.

Christinatherabbit · 20/01/2022 17:47

How accurate are these things I'm not sure? Could they be related but actually father/son. No wonder you are in shock

Russell19 · 20/01/2022 17:49

Hope you're ok OP, I automatically thought nephew or something

JSL52 · 20/01/2022 17:50

Have you got his contact details?
You need as much information as possible when you speak to your husband

Cherrysoup · 20/01/2022 17:51

Shitty dilemma. I feel pain for the OP having to wait til her dh gets home to tackle this. Hope you’re ok @Claire14467

Ari202 · 20/01/2022 17:51

Is it definitely a father/son match? How many cM’s do they share?
‘Paternal’ match means from the fathers side, if doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband is his father.

mathanxiety · 20/01/2022 17:53

If he does have a child, I feel sorry for the child who's grown up without knowing his father, as well as for you, of course.

Equally, he could have grown up secure in the belief that the father he knew was his father until someone closely related to him on his 'father's' side did a DNA test which revealed they were not related. He may then have done one himself.

Commercial DNA testing has revealed quite a lot of surprises in families all around the world.

If the OP and her H identified themselves using their real names on the site they used, the young man could have tracked them down using other online sources.