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Original poster

my partners issue with my kids outside perspective needed

108 replies

shellyr1989 · 19/01/2022 12:46

been with my partner 3 years, recently got engaged..having regrets now. i have two sons from a pervious relationship ages 8 and 6 and he has one son aged 8. my sons live with me. he has his son every weekend. we havent moved in together as a couple but he wants too soon. hes fantastic with my kids when its just us. he brings his son here every 2nd weekend and this is were the issues start. 3 boys for the most part get on great..his son has an issue sharing so we generally just share our toys etc. i completely understand this will take time and done ever mention it or expect it. i encourage him to spend every 2nd weekend just the 2 of them as he needs time alone with his daddy. my issue is with my partner no matter what we do is never good enough and never appreciated. we share everything my kids think his son is brilliant they are so excited when hes here..but there is always something to complain about or some reason to run my kids down..example. this weekend all 3 kids playing xbox was his wee lads turn and my pair moved 2 meters away from him to play with a toy, he barges in forces his son to stop playing xbox and demands they give him the toy they played with..and was ragin because they shud have f;ing sat and watched him play..if they move away from him or take any attention away from him he gets bitterly annoyed...same thing happens later on and his son and one of mine move away to play and he doesnt bat an eyelid..all that matters is all attention is on his son and mine are villified if they take 5 mins to themselves if hes here..is this normal..we love having his son here but the dynamic with his dad is really ruining it constantly picking at how we can be better for his son.

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 19/01/2022 12:49

WTF

Have a look at some of the threads in the Stepparenting forum.
This does not augur well at all at all at all.

Useful posts to look at are for example @sassbott

Shiteshow100 · 19/01/2022 12:52

Sounds like my ex and his 'angel'. It does not improve at all. Given my experience I'd get rid, your kids will always be the problem.

Beamur · 19/01/2022 12:53

Don't get married. Don't live together.
Your DH has issues, your kids will always be in the wrong.
I'm not a step parent basher by any means but your partner sounds dreadful with respect to this. Please don't do this to your kids.

VioletLemon · 19/01/2022 12:54

Do your DS's actually enjoy him being there. It seems like there is alot of tension caused by your DP being over protective of his DS. This is natural but he needs to sort this out. Maybe when he sees the 3 of them get on he will relax. For me personally the problem is he is directing and telling your DS what to do and it seems negative. Why should they feel uncomfortable in their own home when they are doing nothing wrong and already adapting to partner moving in and his DS. Your partner needs to accept that while his child will likely feel loved and at home in your house it is not his actual only home as it is for your DS's. Your partner needs a talking to, he's maybe so tense and desperate fot it all to work that he's making a stressful atmosphere for all.

BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 12:54

It’s not ok. You know it’s not ok.

He’s viewing his child as the only thing that matters and you and your children as mere props for entertaining him.

And as scapegoats.

Don’t marry him until you sort this out.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/01/2022 12:55

Do not move in woth this man. He is not great with your dc.

What does he say when you discuss the inequity?

Maray1967 · 19/01/2022 12:56

No this is not acceptable. I don’t have step DC but I don’t need to to know that this is wrong. If your DC were unpleasant to his and making him feel unwelcome that would be an issue but he seems to be expecting your two to wait on his like an emperor. Ridiculous.
If I’ve understood your post, this raging at your son happened at your house? He brings his son to your house, your sons share their toys with his son, and this is how he treats your son(s)? What did you say when this happened? Your sons are not going to want him ( your bloke) in their lives if this is what they have to look forward to every other weekend.

SituationCritical · 19/01/2022 12:59

This won't work out. It really won't. Put your kids first over him and get rid....you've said yourself you regret getting engaged already. He's perfectly entitled to put his son first too and he can be on his own and do so. Being a dick to your kids isn't ok.

LittleOwl153 · 19/01/2022 12:59

Nah Don inflict this idiot on your kids. It sounds like the kids all get on well, so it's a shame his father can't act appropriately but if he can he can't.

What does he say when you tell him to back off and leave the 3 boys to it? I think that would probably be telling!

Blueberryflavour · 19/01/2022 13:02

Why is he at your every single time he has his son? Normally I would think that he doesn’t want the work of looking after him, do you do all the cleaning, cooking etc when they stay at yours? But it sound like he just wants to Disney Dad it to the ultimate extent, he’s bigging up his child by tearing yours down. This is a recipe for disaster DO NOT move in together.

Original poster
shellyr1989 · 19/01/2022 13:06

my kids to genuinely like him. for the most part we all get on brilliant. he just seems to have major issues with his son and expects him to be the centre of all attention at all times...also has a major victim mentatily attitute towards his son which i feel is unnessary, he has a decent mum and good relationship with dad. i also over heard a conversation his son and mine had this weekend where his son was lecturing mine about how he shud give him all his attention when hes in our house. they get on great but i did find this very odd..i obviously made it clear to them both my son was not expected to do this.. i feel like when his son was first welcomed into our home we did all go out of our way to make him feel welcome and did make a fuss of him but now it is expected he is always treated different..which i am not ok with...

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 19/01/2022 13:09

Not normal.

Don’t spend any more time with this dickhead with your DCs together.

Your poor kids.

VioletLemon · 19/01/2022 13:09

Is his child ND?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 19/01/2022 13:10

@VioletLemon

Is his child ND?
Oh ffs didn’t even take till the end of the page for that.

What the Hell makes you think his sons ND?

Every indication so far that his son is over indulged by his Dad

Original poster
shellyr1989 · 19/01/2022 13:11

thanks for your replies guys..all back up exactly what i taught

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 19/01/2022 13:12

No it's not normal, I would have asked him to leave if he'd spoken to my kids like that

Sartre · 19/01/2022 13:13

Get rid of him, this won’t get any better and your DS’s will end up resenting you for bringing him into their lives.

Larryyourwaiter · 19/01/2022 13:14

Doesn’t dad just have his son on his own on their time? Or is it always with you?

Crumbs22 · 19/01/2022 13:19

This is wrong on many levels OP. It's not fair on your sons to give all their attention to him. If he's an only child and has issues with sharing then that's something he needs to be helped and supported with and as he already believes he is the centre of attention all the time, he might well get a shock later which will not be his fault. Your fiance is not being fair to you or your sons - if he made a fuss of them all then that's one thing but to expect your boys to treat his so specially is just not fair or healthy. It would break my heart to watch this happening as you describe. Your boys sound lovely and much better adjusted. They would be great role models if only your fiance could see it.
I would definitely have a very honest discussion with your fiance about how you feel. It's possible he doesn't realise how unhealthy his attitude is.

workshy44 · 19/01/2022 13:23

"he barges in forces his son to stop playing xbox and demands they give him the toy they played with..and was ragin because they shud have f;ing sat and watched him play"

Just read this back, this is lunatic behavior. He has major issues and I would not have his son in the house again. Not because of his sons behavior but because of how your DP behaves while he is around
There is no future in this relationship as if he moves in he will make your poor children's lives miserable. This only gets worse
Like the previous poster, i too would have asked him to leave if he had behaved like that in my house. Majorly aggressive. This is not NORMAL behavior

CanofCant · 19/01/2022 13:28

What?! That's appalling behaviour. There's nothing here to fix. Thankfully you don't yet live together or share a child or finances so it should be fairly easy to cut him loose before he emotionally damages and scars your children.

CanofCant · 19/01/2022 13:31

Cross posted with everyone. Op, you say the kids like him and for the most part it's brilliant, that's because he hasn't moved in and trapped you yet in marriage. I'm sure it will get much once he does.

C152 · 19/01/2022 13:33

Life's too short to wait for other people to sort their shit out. However, if you want to continue a relationship with this person, I would consider slowing things down. Speak honestly and calmly about the issues and give one example of each issue and what you would like to see change. Give your partner time to adapt his behaviour and start teaching his son how to behave properly BEFORE they move in with you. Definitely don't get married with this left unsorted.

If some form of change (may not be perfect, but if he hasn't even started doing anything differently and is still a controlling shit around your DCs) hasn't happened within a month, I doubt it ever will. At that point I'd consider what you want from the relationship - if it's someone to have fun (FWB type of situation) then carry on dating. If you want something more, find someone who is a better fit for you and your family.

RedWingBoots · 19/01/2022 13:38

You have a DP issue.

As PP said have a look on the step-parenting forum to see that your DP's behaviour is not OK.

His son is happy playing and learning how to share with your sons. The boy otherwise seems well socialised.

However your DP thinks that everything should revolve around his son because he wants to appear as super dad to everyone around him.

I would end the relationship asap. Why?

Your DP won't realise his behaviour is wrong and that he is harming the relationships between everyone else. He also doesn't seem to understand that everyone else, particularly his own son, has their own agency.

Iwonder08 · 19/01/2022 13:38

Don't inflict this lunatic and his spoiled brat on your sons