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Original poster

my partners issue with my kids outside perspective needed

108 replies

shellyr1989 · 19/01/2022 12:46

been with my partner 3 years, recently got engaged..having regrets now. i have two sons from a pervious relationship ages 8 and 6 and he has one son aged 8. my sons live with me. he has his son every weekend. we havent moved in together as a couple but he wants too soon. hes fantastic with my kids when its just us. he brings his son here every 2nd weekend and this is were the issues start. 3 boys for the most part get on great..his son has an issue sharing so we generally just share our toys etc. i completely understand this will take time and done ever mention it or expect it. i encourage him to spend every 2nd weekend just the 2 of them as he needs time alone with his daddy. my issue is with my partner no matter what we do is never good enough and never appreciated. we share everything my kids think his son is brilliant they are so excited when hes here..but there is always something to complain about or some reason to run my kids down..example. this weekend all 3 kids playing xbox was his wee lads turn and my pair moved 2 meters away from him to play with a toy, he barges in forces his son to stop playing xbox and demands they give him the toy they played with..and was ragin because they shud have f;ing sat and watched him play..if they move away from him or take any attention away from him he gets bitterly annoyed...same thing happens later on and his son and one of mine move away to play and he doesnt bat an eyelid..all that matters is all attention is on his son and mine are villified if they take 5 mins to themselves if hes here..is this normal..we love having his son here but the dynamic with his dad is really ruining it constantly picking at how we can be better for his son.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/01/2022 23:12

I'm sure you realise that it isn't just the child that he will demand is treated like a King if he moves in, don't you?

Get shot of him now and save yourselves the agony.

3scape · 19/01/2022 23:12

I'm not down on steps and blended families (I am part of one). Sure, they can take some work but generally everyone involved probably learns a lot about relationships in the process.
With any situation you've got to consider what your children are going to get from a situation, and this one could involve a lot of hurt. There's nothing worse than getting jekyl and hide from an adult, I'd be putting the cards on the table that if this doesn't turn around there is no future.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/01/2022 23:13

Do you speak up when he does this? Did you step in?

I would not get married to him. Ever. I wouldn't even give him the chance to change.

HiJenny35 · 19/01/2022 23:14

You're going to hear all this, you'll confront him, he'll cry and say how he feels guilt over his son, he'll say he's going to change, he'll tow the line for as long as he needs to, once married he'll treat your kids like he is now, second rate to his and less important. It will only get worse but once you're married it will be harder to get rid. Don't do this to yourself or your kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2022 23:28

It’s chilling to think you’re just starting to wonder if this is okay, or actually an already toxic massively dysfunctional situation. You’re letting an adult who’s a guest in your home to shout at your young children.

What are you thinking? Your claims they love this horrible man who treats them appallingly and his spoiled unpleasant child are delusional. If you really believe that you’re telling them they don’t deserve to be treated any better than they currently are.

And you’ve agreed to marry him? He’s horrible to your precious little children. They’re either scared of him and hiding it from you or they’re not because they’re so used to being abused.

As for the suggestions you get pre-marital counselling. Jesus fucking Christ. No wonder there are so many children living awful lives.

nanbread · 19/01/2022 23:41

This is not ok

Your children are not responsible for your partner or good child's feelings

But the way he is acting is making them responsible to keep his child happy.

It's awful. I'm actually angry and upset for your children just reading this. Your boys owe him nothing.

AgentJohnson · 19/01/2022 23:58

There’s nothing much you can do about your partner fucking up his son’s life but you sure as hell shouldn’t let his issues impact on your sons lives. At best, stop inviting him into your home and at worst, get rid.

Don’t get hung up on the previous good times, his damaging behaviour far overshadows them.

MogsBestestFurball · 20/01/2022 00:20

'As for the suggestions you get pre-marital counselling. Jesus fucking Christ. No wonder there are so many children living awful lives.'

Nope, pre marital counseling is the opposite of what you are talking about. It's two people sitting down and dispassionately talking about things like parenting styles and expectations for the marriage. People jump into marriage too easily because of love and romance.

PinkSyCo · 20/01/2022 00:41

No this is not normal at all. It seems like your partner’s stupid behaviour is ruining a good thing here. What a shame. Do not move in with this man whatever you do.

VioletRose91 · 20/01/2022 00:46

Don’t move in with him and definitely don’t marry him. If he’s like this now imagine what he’s going to be like when he’s really got his feet under the table.

NorthSouthcatlady · 20/01/2022 10:05

So his son is the star of the show then and your sons are just bit parts / actors Confused. I’m sure once he gets his feet properly under the table, then he will be come joint lead or at least 2nd. With everyone else 3rd class citizens to their wants and desires. Just no. It’s interesting his son has the balls to articulate he’s had to be the centre of attention

ChargingBuck · 20/01/2022 10:42

Nope, pre marital counseling is the opposite of what you are talking about. It's two people sitting down and dispassionately talking about things like parenting styles and expectations for the marriage.

Not with an abusive man it isn't @MogsBestestFurball.
Couples counselling is a no-no when one of the pair is abusive, as any decent counsellor will confirm.
& a man who "rages" at your children is certainly an abuser.
Also, people who communicate via rage tend to be unable to hold dispassionate talks.

People jump into marriage too easily because of love and romance.
OP was already wavering on her commitment to her engagement to this man.
I reckon she's aware now that he's not after love * romance.
All the signs are clear - he's after a chance to rule a woman's roost, reduced living costs, & automatic child care (so telling that he never has his own boy at his own gaff innit).

honeyrider · 20/01/2022 10:48

@HiJenny35

You're going to hear all this, you'll confront him, he'll cry and say how he feels guilt over his son, he'll say he's going to change, he'll tow the line for as long as he needs to, once married he'll treat your kids like he is now, second rate to his and less important. It will only get worse but once you're married it will be harder to get rid. Don't do this to yourself or your kids.
This 100%, please put your children before this nasty man.
MondayYogurt · 20/01/2022 11:00

Have you asked your kids how they feel when he bullies them? How they feel about prioritising his son?
Give them space/time to be honest.

YoComoManzanas · 20/01/2022 11:15

Young kids like yours take their cue's from the adults. They may not like what your partner is doing and may not like playing with the kid when it is all on his terms and never on theirs but they will like having a kid round to play with. They won't have the emotional/ mental capacity to clearly look at the situation and insert proper boundaries themselves. This is where you come in. Uou need to put them first and really think if this blending is going to work for them or are they just going along with the moment? I think when they look back as adults they will resent this boy being inflicted upon them.

PappaPaddy · 20/01/2022 11:34

From your OP he's been in your Childrens' lives for some time, so this is not a new thing just occurring... It's obviously been going on for some time.

It may surprise you to find that your kids aren't really happy with him and his Son being around... They've probably just learnt to keep quiet or face more wrath.
They are in a situation where they are having to rely and depend upon you to put their care and wellbeing first. You're not doing that though OP!
He's firmly of the opinion that you and your kids are there to enhance his and his Sons life.
You're providing him with a place and means to entertain his child, he's not having to do any parenting. He just sees your home as a means to occupy his Son, and he'll bark his orders to ensure you continue to do so.

He's onto a good thing. Your poor kids aren't fairing so well. He's not a good fit for your family OP. I'd call off the engagement, end the relationship, and focus on your kids. They don't deserve to be dragged into dysfunctional relationships during their formative years. You need to put your kids first.

Original poster
shellyr1989 · 20/01/2022 11:46

i did intervine and asked them to leave shortly after this happened.and havent seen him since.ive told him exactly what i think and made it clear i think hes an absolute prick for how he reacted. i think one comment someone made here about him feeling guilt towards his son hit the nail on the head. i dont understand why and i find it very strange. he did seem to feel bad when ive pointed all this out and is apologing but it still happened. ive told him he needs to sort out his out emotions and issues out away from us

OP posts:
TheChemicalMother · 20/01/2022 11:55

He is not ready to move in with you.

It sounds as if he has a major guilt complex about living with your boys a lot of the time and only seeing his at weekends.

If you marry and he moves in permanently he will see himself as 'step dad' with more right to authority over your boys and he will prioritise his own Ds as he is doing now.

These issues only get worse, not better.

If something isn't working - and this isn't atm, under these circumstances - do not take the risk.

You simply cannot inflict this on your own children. It wouldn't be fair.

TheChemicalMother · 20/01/2022 12:14

His own Ds may well feel vulnerable, or jealous, seeing his own Dad become a stepdad to two other children, and to be spending more time with them, and in a relationship with a 'new step mum'. It isn't easy for any kids, bringing families together.

He is maybe trying to compensate for this by showing his son that he prioritises him and expects yours to do the same.

In the end, the possible reasons don't matter. His behaviour does. The fact is that it isn't working, and you have done the right thing sending him off.

AnxiousPixie · 20/01/2022 12:31

Agree totally with what others are saying but some of it does sound like he's just really desperate for his child to feel included. He's going about it really wrong though.

Bonheurdupasse · 20/01/2022 12:33

If you continue your relationship with him, do not let him bring his child at yours.
You can see each other when he doesn't have his child, even if that's only during the week.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 20/01/2022 12:37

Maybe put the brakes on your engagement/marriage and really talk to your partner about the parenting issues. See if you get anywhere with this and then reassess.

I thought that the earlier post suggesting just dating him if you enjoy his company seemed like a good idea. It’s a big change to introduce a step-father to the house, and certainly not a good idea if you are having doubts. Don’t take the risk of harming your precious boys.

felulageller · 20/01/2022 12:44

Do you have any scope to speak to his ex about how he is behaving around their son?

He sounds awful

Yaya26 · 20/01/2022 13:07

Why should they watch him playing an Xbox. Wierd and your do is so out of line and this will worsen when you livetogether as he doesn't respect your kids. - they're very much second best.

Yaya26 · 20/01/2022 13:12

And why would your kids share their toys and his boy not be expected to? Besides the fact that he's 8 and surely understands that we should take turns/share the double standards are not right.