my partners issue with my kids outside perspective needed

[shellyr1989]

been with my partner 3 years, recently got engaged..having regrets now. i have two sons from a pervious relationship ages 8 and 6 and he has one son aged 8. my sons live with me. he has his son every weekend. we havent moved in together as a couple but he wants too soon. hes fantastic with my kids when its just us. he brings his son here every 2nd weekend and this is were the issues start. 3 boys for the most part get on great..his son has an issue sharing so we generally just share our toys etc. i completely understand this will take time and done ever mention it or expect it. i encourage him to spend every 2nd weekend just the 2 of them as he needs time alone with his daddy. my issue is with my partner no matter what we do is never good enough and never appreciated. we share everything my kids think his son is brilliant they are so excited when hes here..but there is always something to complain about or some reason to run my kids down..example. this weekend all 3 kids playing xbox was his wee lads turn and my pair moved 2 meters away from him to play with a toy, he barges in forces his son to stop playing xbox and demands they give him the toy they played with..and was ragin because they shud have f;ing sat and watched him play..if they move away from him or take any attention away from him he gets bitterly annoyed...same thing happens later on and his son and one of mine move away to play and he doesnt bat an eyelid..all that matters is all attention is on his son and mine are villified if they take 5 mins to themselves if hes here..is this normal..we love having his son here but the dynamic with his dad is really ruining it constantly picking at how we can be better for his son.

You and your sons sound like lovely, kind, hospitable people. Don't let this man and his son take advantage of you. Your sons are more important than any other relationship. You and your boys owe them zilch.

@Wineisoverrated

What a horrible man.

Your kids deserve better than to be second class citizens in their own home.

He’ll move in and it will just get worse. ‘You can’t eat that, that’s X’s.’ ‘your boys have to share and my son needs his own room that your boys AREN’T allowed in’ ‘what do you mean you want to take them to the zoo. What and my son misses out? No wait until next weekend.’ ‘No you can’t watch that. My son doesn’t want to.’ ‘No you can’t play outside. My son doesn’t want to.’ ‘No you can’t have that from the shop. My son’s not here.’ ‘You want to buy your boys new coats? My son will want a new coat.’ ‘Your boys NEVER share. If they can’t share I’ll take it off them.’ ‘No my son shouldn’t have to share. He’s only here two days a week.’

Here is a glimpse of your future, OP. Is this what you want for you and your children?

OP,

Good job for challenging him on this.

You need to focus on the language you used to describe his behaviour towards YOUR children.

"Bitterly annoyed" and "raging".

These are your words.

I have 4 children, late teens, early twenties.

No one has EVER been raging or Bitterly annoyed with them.

Who the fxxk does he think he is?

Treating YOUR children like that?

He obviously thinks he is entitled to behave towards YOUR children in that way, in THEIR home.

Completely unforgivable.

Who cares what HIS issues are.

He has inflicted his filthy rage on your boys.

Completely unforgivable.

This is NOT normal.

There is NO excuse.

Most parents would go through someone for a short cut, who dared to RAGE at THEIR children in THEIR home.

Highly abusive.

Protect your children.

You DON'T know this man, that he would think he could behave like this in your home.

Another thing to ask yourself OP, is why he never looks after his own son in their own home.

He always has contact at your place.
Think about why that is, & how unattractive it is.
Your man either cannot be arsed, or has not got the sense, to spend one on one time with his own child.

Could one of the reasons be because your man feels he gets an easier ride at your place?
When he stays with you - who is doing the menu-planning, shopping, cooking & clearing up? & paying for it?
Who is doing the majority of the kid-wrangling?

I suspect you have a cocklodger in the making here.
Not necessarily financially ... but ... he using your home & your labour every weekend he has his boy to stay, isn't he?

If you consider continuing with this relationship then he needs to have his son on his own at his house from now on. But I personally could not be with such a monumental arsewipe!

I have step children, and I can honestly say that the majority of the problems that step mothers have come from their husbands behaving like this - it's rarely problems with the children it's their daft dads thinking the world should stop when their kids are perfectly happy not being hero worshipped and just want to be part of the family. Mine are grown up now, and they're good kids, but those early days my head was completely battered by my husband turning into an absolute prawn when they were around. Not their fault at all it was his, but when you get those "my dsc are driving me mad" posts this is where it starts.

@ChargingBuck

Another thing to ask yourself OP, is why he never looks after his own son in their own home.

He always has contact at your place.
Think about why that is, & how unattractive it is.
Your man either cannot be arsed, or has not got the sense, to spend one on one time with his own child.

Could one of the reasons be because your man feels he gets an easier ride at your place?
When he stays with you - who is doing the menu-planning, shopping, cooking & clearing up? & paying for it?
Who is doing the majority of the kid-wrangling?

I suspect you have a cocklodger in the making here.
Not necessarily financially ... but ... he using your home & your labour every weekend he has his boy to stay, isn't he?

Excellent post.

It indeed sounds as if he is using you and your home which is so awful.

Why would you accept his constant complaints and criticism?

OP, you have huge boundary issues, in that you haven't said to him at the beginning of his complaints that he clearly isn't happy at yours with HIS child so he should spend time with HIS child at HIS house.

Instead you have accepted his complaints and criticism to such an extent that he felt supremely comfortable RAGING at your two little boys.

He has all the makings of a house terrorist and a massively abusive man.

I think you are absolutely delusional if you think your children are mad about a man who rages at them.

Cloud cookoo land in fact.

I feel so sorry for those two little boys, who sound like lovely kids.

Their childhood soured by their mother's boyfriend bullying them in their home.

Well done for opening this thread.
I really hope it spurs you on to protect your children from him and his RAGES.

I don't think this has anything to do with being a blended family. I know a parent like this and it's more about how 'their' child must get everything any other child gets. I'd tell him to get to fuck! It's damaging for all 3 children.