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Original poster

my partners issue with my kids outside perspective needed

108 replies

shellyr1989 · 19/01/2022 12:46

been with my partner 3 years, recently got engaged..having regrets now. i have two sons from a pervious relationship ages 8 and 6 and he has one son aged 8. my sons live with me. he has his son every weekend. we havent moved in together as a couple but he wants too soon. hes fantastic with my kids when its just us. he brings his son here every 2nd weekend and this is were the issues start. 3 boys for the most part get on great..his son has an issue sharing so we generally just share our toys etc. i completely understand this will take time and done ever mention it or expect it. i encourage him to spend every 2nd weekend just the 2 of them as he needs time alone with his daddy. my issue is with my partner no matter what we do is never good enough and never appreciated. we share everything my kids think his son is brilliant they are so excited when hes here..but there is always something to complain about or some reason to run my kids down..example. this weekend all 3 kids playing xbox was his wee lads turn and my pair moved 2 meters away from him to play with a toy, he barges in forces his son to stop playing xbox and demands they give him the toy they played with..and was ragin because they shud have f;ing sat and watched him play..if they move away from him or take any attention away from him he gets bitterly annoyed...same thing happens later on and his son and one of mine move away to play and he doesnt bat an eyelid..all that matters is all attention is on his son and mine are villified if they take 5 mins to themselves if hes here..is this normal..we love having his son here but the dynamic with his dad is really ruining it constantly picking at how we can be better for his son.

OP posts:
NewMessageFrom · 19/01/2022 13:40

my issue is with my partner no matter what we do is never good enough and never appreciated

. this weekend all 3 kids playing xbox was his wee lads turn and my pair moved 2 meters away from him to play with a toy, he barges in forces his son to stop playing xbox and demands they give him the toy they played with..and was ragin because they shud have f;ing sat and watched him play..if they move away from him or take any attention away from him he gets bitterly annoyed...same thing happens later on and his son and one of mine move away to play and he doesnt bat an eyelid..all that matters is all attention is on his son and mine are villified if they take 5 mins to themselves if hes here..is this normal

No it isnt!!

You are only engaged - protect your children, they are probably already walking on eggshells, this is no life for them

tetleyteafan · 19/01/2022 13:42

Don't live with him. Ever. Keep your home and your finances separate.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 13:42

Agree with everyone else

Don’t move in with or marry him. Keep the relation mainly between the adults, not a blended family, as you’re not blending well.

By all means have occasional meet ups with the dc on neutral turf, but don’t make his contact weekend be at your house.

Greenfields124 · 19/01/2022 13:43

He sounds awful, your poor kids.
Put them first and get rid of him.

billy1966 · 19/01/2022 13:44

OP,

This is NOT a good man.

This is NOT good for your children.

Why are you inflicting this man, his son, and their behaviour on your children?

He is a negative influence and moving him into your home is wrong and certainly not the action of a good mother.

Apologies if that is harsh but that you allow him to behave like that towards your children is shameful.

Give your head a wobble and stop putting this awful man ahead of your lovely boys.

Get rid of him and think how this must be affecting your children.

If you want to absolutely ruin their childhood, carry on allowing this man treat them like entertainment for his son, and second hand citizens in THEIR home.

I cannot understand parents standing by and allowing anyone treat their children like that.

Where is your loyalty to your children?
They sound like lovely boys.

oakleaffy · 19/01/2022 14:10

Please think very hard if you want your lives ruined by moving in with this awful man.
Who needs that level of stress and control?

Anna10309 · 19/01/2022 14:18

As a mother how can you allow this. He sounds absolutely horrible. You are the gate keeper to your children's home environment and this responsibility is on you not to allow anyone to treat them badly. Op sounds like you are justifying his behaviour at the expense of your kids Sad

gamerchick · 19/01/2022 14:24

You're joking right?

Tell him this either stops, that all kids will be treated the same or its not going to work and the doors over there. Come on OP, your kids need you to look out for them.

Kanaloa · 19/01/2022 14:26

Don’t marry him. He’s hardly going to improve. Can you really be bothered with a man barging in and shouting at kids because they’re not sitting mutely watching another child playing a game? And as your kids sharing their toys with him but him not sharing his with them, that’s only going to intensify. You can still see each other but I wouldn’t blend your families.

Ellie56 · 19/01/2022 14:31

He sounds vile. Stop letting him treat your sons like shit in their own home.

Better still dump him.

comedycentral · 19/01/2022 14:41

Do not let this man near your kids, he doesn't like them, how can you not see that?

Heronwatcher · 19/01/2022 14:51

No, no just no. To marry him would be an incredibly big mistake. Ditto having more kids with him. What he’s doing to your kids when his child is there is emotionally abusive and I can 100% guarantee that this will get worse once you marry him or have his child as he will stop even trying to behave well. Just do not do it.

2bazookas · 19/01/2022 14:55

Don't get married.

Wait and see if relations improve. He must take some responsibility for his son. If it doesn't work out, put your kids first.

theemmadilemma · 19/01/2022 15:14

He's so not doing his son any favours here either.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 19/01/2022 15:15

Are you sure your kids like playing with his son? Or are you simply assuming they like playing together? Surely your kids can see and understand that he is treating them differently? Why is he bringing his son to yours every weekend? Why is he not staying at his own place with his son? I could NOT be with someone like that. He is not a nice man. You need to put your kids first

Wombat98 · 19/01/2022 15:19

Even if he is ND, he's not entitled to be the centre of everyone's universe.

Bringing up to expect this adoration is not helping him in life, regardless of any issues, none having been mentioned by the OP.

Wineisoverrated · 19/01/2022 15:23

What a horrible man.

Your kids deserve better than to be second class citizens in their own home.

He’ll move in and it will just get worse. ‘You can’t eat that, that’s X’s.’ ‘your boys have to share and my son needs his own room that your boys AREN’T allowed in’ ‘what do you mean you want to take them to the zoo. What and my son misses out? No wait until next weekend.’ ‘No you can’t watch that. My son doesn’t want to.’ ‘No you can’t play outside. My son doesn’t want to.’ ‘No you can’t have that from the shop. My son’s not here.’ ‘You want to buy your boys new coats? My son will want a new coat.’ ‘Your boys NEVER share. If they can’t share I’ll take it off them.’ ‘No my son shouldn’t have to share. He’s only here two days a week.’

Wineisoverrated · 19/01/2022 15:24

Bin him and find someone who actually respects your children.

MondayYogurt · 19/01/2022 15:28

Sounds as if he's using the son as a method of controlling you all.

KiloWhat · 19/01/2022 15:30

You're lucky, you've sensed something isn't right before getting married. I don't think your relationship will work, the family dynamics are way off. Sorry, I think you're going to have to leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2022 15:30

Your poor kids. Get him out of your home or move. FFS, don't marry this man. He has got some serious issues.

TheChip · 19/01/2022 15:34

Run for the hills. Your kids might think this kid is great, but theyre going to start dreading the times he is due to come over, knowing that they can't just be because of dickhead dad over there.
This is not normal. This is completely unacceptable.

ChargingBuck · 19/01/2022 15:37

Cancel any plan to move in together.
I'd consider cancelling the engagement as well, because your DP is horribly demanding - telling your boys & you how to behave in your own home, & believing that he alone is the arbiter of what the blended family dynamic should be.

FFS this is going to become horrible if you cohabit.
DP is already throwing his weight around & instructing you & your boys to give his DS preferential treatment.
It's a power play. Your DP thinks he is the dominant party in your relationship, & that your family ought to do as he tells them.

You reassuring your boys that they don't have to is NOT a solution. Try that one if you are daft enough to cohabit - DP will entrench, escalate, & you will be constantly on eggshells looking to mediate & fending off DP's unreasonableness.
That is no atmosphere to raise DC in.

i also over heard a conversation his son and mine had this weekend where his son was lecturing mine about how he shud give him all his attention when hes in our house. they get on great but i did find this very odd..i obviously made it clear to them both my son was not expected to do this

Because DP has trained his son to believe that this is a reasonable expectation, & that he is entitled to it.
Please don't do this to your boys - or yourself.
Prioritise them, & keep the relationship, if you still want it, in separate houses.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 19/01/2022 15:40

He’s being very unfair on your boys.

Very generally speaking, when we have a child over as a guest then I encourage my kids to play together and share as that is the polite thing to do….. not always easy for young kids to manage.

However, when they are a very regular visitor and there’s an aim to become a blended family, they are no longer a guest and things need to be far more relaxed. Siblings don’t always play together or share - they need time and space to do their own thing.

As for somebody “raging” at my kids. No, I’d not be tolerating that! I’d expect them to raise any issues with me.

Farrandau · 19/01/2022 15:43

Look, this guy has major guilt issues or something with seeing his child EOW only and believing he needs to treat him like the Messiah when he does — that’s his own issue to sort out. Unfortunately, his issues are impacting negatively on your children. You owe it to them to protect them from a blended family dynamic that looks unequal and unpleasant from the outset. If you want to continue the relationship,I would do it on your own time. Don’t marry him, don’t live together.