Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

my partners issue with my kids outside perspective needed

108 replies

shellyr1989 · 19/01/2022 12:46

been with my partner 3 years, recently got engaged..having regrets now. i have two sons from a pervious relationship ages 8 and 6 and he has one son aged 8. my sons live with me. he has his son every weekend. we havent moved in together as a couple but he wants too soon. hes fantastic with my kids when its just us. he brings his son here every 2nd weekend and this is were the issues start. 3 boys for the most part get on great..his son has an issue sharing so we generally just share our toys etc. i completely understand this will take time and done ever mention it or expect it. i encourage him to spend every 2nd weekend just the 2 of them as he needs time alone with his daddy. my issue is with my partner no matter what we do is never good enough and never appreciated. we share everything my kids think his son is brilliant they are so excited when hes here..but there is always something to complain about or some reason to run my kids down..example. this weekend all 3 kids playing xbox was his wee lads turn and my pair moved 2 meters away from him to play with a toy, he barges in forces his son to stop playing xbox and demands they give him the toy they played with..and was ragin because they shud have f;ing sat and watched him play..if they move away from him or take any attention away from him he gets bitterly annoyed...same thing happens later on and his son and one of mine move away to play and he doesnt bat an eyelid..all that matters is all attention is on his son and mine are villified if they take 5 mins to themselves if hes here..is this normal..we love having his son here but the dynamic with his dad is really ruining it constantly picking at how we can be better for his son.

OP posts:

eagerlywaitingfor · 19/01/2022 15:45

I'm amazed you even need to ask, but since you have, then please don't let this man continue to treat your children like second-class citizens in their own home.

It's not going to work, is it? Hand the ring back and finish with him.

MogsBestestFurball · 19/01/2022 15:46

I wonder if the boy is ND and the dad sees marrying into your family as a way to have a ready made social network for his son and is upset this is not happening? You have not denied he is ND...

Not excusing his behaviour. I think some pre marital counseling to explore your shared expectations around how your blended family will be would be wise.

And if the 2 boys were taking turns watching each other playing Xbox, but then didn't want to watch you son play when it was his turn then that is excluding him/ rude.

Suzanne999 · 19/01/2022 15:46

Totally, 100% unacceptable behaviour from DP.
Do not move in with him, do not marry him as I don’t think he’s ever going to accept all 3 boys as equals.
In your position I’d break off the engagement as I wouldn’t want to expose my children to this.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/01/2022 15:48

@Beamur

Don't get married. Don't live together. Your DH has issues, your kids will always be in the wrong. I'm not a step parent basher by any means but your partner sounds dreadful with respect to this. Please don't do this to your kids.

This!

RogerDodger · 19/01/2022 15:49

Well it’s a non starter isn’t it? He’s showing you all the signs of how he will treat your DC if you make them live with him. Realistically you should have ended it when he started barging around and demanding your children do anything.

PleasantBirthday · 19/01/2022 15:50

This is like a male version of Munchausen's by proxy, I think. Your partner is using his son as a kind of stand in for himself. Demanding all the time, air and attention in the house for his son is really his way of asserting himself and making himself the centre of the universe.

Larryyourwaiter · 19/01/2022 15:54

@MogsBestestFurball

I wonder if the boy is ND and the dad sees marrying into your family as a way to have a ready made social network for his son and is upset this is not happening? You have not denied he is ND...

Not excusing his behaviour. I think some pre marital counseling to explore your shared expectations around how your blended family will be would be wise.

And if the 2 boys were taking turns watching each other playing Xbox, but then didn't want to watch you son play when it was his turn then that is excluding him/ rude.

Maybe dad should watch him?

Or dad should take him somewhere else and entertain him?

GunsNShips · 19/01/2022 15:55

Massive red flags all over this. A grown man shouldn’t be raging at children, no matter how unfair he thinks they have been!

That said, in the Xbox example, maybe they should have watched him play, if he was third and all 3 of them were watching each other before that. Otherwise that is excluding him if they wander off to play something else once their turn is over.

PicaK · 19/01/2022 16:05

Erm. You know what we all mess it up parenting wise occasionally. Those pfb moments when they start school etc.
I'd give him a chance.
What is he really worrying about thats making him overreact?
Worried about how divorce is affecting his son? Over compensating?
I'd suggest you need to sit down (Family Meeting) and write some family rules about behaviour expectations - ones that apply to everyone. Thinking about what makes each person feel!/loved valued.

whitewashing · 19/01/2022 16:09

Why, why would allow this man to behave like this? Stop inflicting him on your children. Show him the door!!

CheapFoodShits · 19/01/2022 17:48

He'd be out on his backside the second he spoke to my child like that. Get rid of him.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 19/01/2022 17:57

He'd have got a who the fuck do you think you are talking too I'd he tried that with my kids

Don't move in with him, the weekends your kids aren't there hell be talking to you like that too if your attention isn't on his little darling the whole time

billy1966 · 19/01/2022 18:35

You can get a real sense of what adult children recall of the misery of their childhood because their mother had to move the boyfriend in, even if he was abusive, and then marrying him.🙄

Raging at your children is just awful, and abusive, yet you stand by and allow it.

He is not normal, but neither are you OP, that you would allow this loser RAGE at your little boys, over very normal behaviour.

I just can't imagine what would go through the head of a mother standing by and allowing two children being RAGED at for normal play.

So awful.
So abusive.
So confusing for your children and yet you stand by and allow it to happen.

You really need to take a long hard look at yourself, allowing your children to be bullied by this awful man.

So many posters over the years, judge their parents very harshly and are low contact with them, because they allowed the type of treatment you describe.

I can well understand why.

Please protect those poor children from him and his rage.

2022success · 19/01/2022 19:07

Don't marry him or move him in.

If you really want to continue dating him (I wouldn't) then do that, but no more blended family bollocks. It isn't working.

Santahasjoinedww · 19/01/2022 19:09

My exh had a dc very similar age to mine. It was hideously unfair .. Walk away op. You really do owe it to your dc.

lunar1 · 19/01/2022 19:09

Can you imagine how much worse he would be if you live together!

Bonheurdupasse · 19/01/2022 21:36

@billy1966

You can get a real sense of what adult children recall of the misery of their childhood because their mother had to move the boyfriend in, even if he was abusive, and then marrying him.🙄

Raging at your children is just awful, and abusive, yet you stand by and allow it.

He is not normal, but neither are you OP, that you would allow this loser RAGE at your little boys, over very normal behaviour.

I just can't imagine what would go through the head of a mother standing by and allowing two children being RAGED at for normal play.

So awful.
So abusive.
So confusing for your children and yet you stand by and allow it to happen.

You really need to take a long hard look at yourself, allowing your children to be bullied by this awful man.

So many posters over the years, judge their parents very harshly and are low contact with them, because they allowed the type of treatment you describe.

I can well understand why.

Please protect those poor children from him and his rage.

Fully agree

Hankunamatata · 19/01/2022 22:18

Did you intervene and tell dp he is being an arse?

LessTime · 19/01/2022 22:35

You would be daft to move in with him and you would be very unfair on your children. Imagine how things might be when your kids are teens?

Why can't you carry on dating the guy without moving in together.

timeisnotaline · 19/01/2022 22:41

Break off the engagement, and limit time at yours on his sons weekend to half the time, and don’t consider getting engaged until you can say we happily would move in together tomorrow. You didn’t answer if you do all the cooking and washing for his son when he’s at yours. If you do, stop it. He cooks weekends his son is here.

MarbleQueen · 19/01/2022 22:44

You should have kicked him out there and then. He’s a GUEST and so is his son.

I bet your kids hate him really.

AdoraBell · 19/01/2022 22:49

Put your children first. As others have said, don’t marry him or let him move in.

jeaux90 · 19/01/2022 22:51

Don't move in together. Don't marry him.

My partner and I live separately because it's the right thing for our kids right now.

Put yours first until everyone has grown up a bit. (Especially your DP)

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 19/01/2022 23:04

...there is always something to complain about or some reason to run my kids down...

He'd do that one time only in my house before being shown the door.

Why are you allowing him to repeatedly treat your children like this?

NowEvenBetter · 19/01/2022 23:09

Why not just date him if you find him appealing enough, and keep him separate to your kids? Do they need to have him moved in to their home? Why actively choose a difficult, annoying life?

(Questions for yourself, not to answer to me, obv.)

Flip

1 2 3 4 5