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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about reaction to gift?

134 replies

giftAIBU · 19/01/2022 10:57

Name changed because it's outing and I don't need my family finding my main account!

For Christmas, I commissioned an artist to do a stylised portrait of my sibling's beloved pet. I knew it was a bit of a risky gift but they are very tough to buy for as they're quite well off and really have everything they need, and I figured that even if they hated the actual picture, they would appreciate the thought that went in to it, and because we don't live near each other they could hide it in a cupboard for most of the year if needs be!

I put a lot of time and effort into it, going back and forth with the artist to get it right, and while it wasn't excessively expensive, it wasn't cheap either.

Anyway, Christmas came and went and I didn't hear anything from my sibling, but that's not massively unusual so I didn't think anything of it. I then came to stay with my Mum and found the picture lying on the side in her house. I remarked that sibling hadn't taken it home, and she said (very defensively) "[Sibling] doesn't think it's very good so wanted to talk to you about it". I was a bit aghast and my mum added that my sibling was "worried" that I had been ripped off and that's why they wanted to speak to me.

In my eyes, this is rude beyond belief - it's clearly a gift that a lot of thought has gone in to, and in my opinion if you get a gift you don't like, you smile and say thank you anyway. Also I don't think it's the receiver's place to worry about whether or not a gift is worth what the giver paid for it.

For my sibling, I'm guessing that it's just good sense to reject the gift considering they don't like it - I'm assuming they think I would be able to get a refund (although of course I can't because it's personalised and I approved it before it was sent out!).

I feel incredibly hurt by both my sibling's actions and my mum's vehement defence of them. We were brought up to always be grateful for gifts, regardless of whether or not we actually liked them, and I can't help but feel if this were the other way around, my mum would be horrified with me.

For background:

  • I lost my spouse last year so it was something of an effort to get Christmas presents sorted
  • Mum, sibling and I have quite a difficult dynamic - sibling is the golden child, regardless of behaviour, and my mum will always take their side, so I am no doubt oversensitive when it happens
  • Sibling didn't get me - or my child, their only nephew - anything for Christmas, but they would say this was deliberate so we could choose something when we next saw them

So I guess my question is - AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/01/2022 13:20

Given that your husband died last year I think it was incredibly rude and entitled.
They could have just shut up and put it in a cupboard.
If I were you I wouldn't bother next year at all.
I wouldn't dream of telling anyone I didn't like their gift. Even if I absolutely hated it.

Sparklesocks · 19/01/2022 13:20

I'd feel hurt too OP.
Also leaving it at your mum's house and leaving it to her to talk to you about is quite tactless. At least take it home and speak to you about it directly like an adult.

I think it looks nice.

PeonyAndSweetpea · 19/01/2022 13:23

The style isn't to my taste, especially with a floral background (that sounds as if it would detract from the subject). However, I would take it and put it somewhere discreet as it's a picture of my dog......and I love my dogs (their portraits adorn my hall.....and they are a specific style I love, but wouldn't be to everyone's taste)!

You should take it home with you and hang it somewhere as you like it. Stuff your stuck up sibling.....they are just damned rude

Doyourememberthetime · 19/01/2022 13:27

I think the painting is amazing! So much time and effort has gone into it. I can’t imagine anyone doing something like that for me. A family friend put a printed photo of our dog in a frame recently for Christmas. The picture wasn’t the best but the thought that went into it makes it lovely. So much nicer than the cheap tat we get from other people.

TonTonMacoute · 19/01/2022 13:28

I don't exchange presents with my DB, an arrangement we are both more than happy with.

Your sibling's reaction was thoughtless and I don't blame you for being hurt, but I would treat it lightly and use this experience to suggest neither of you buy for each other in future.

Buying presents is meant to be fun, not an ordeal, remove this source of stress from your life!

Staffy1 · 19/01/2022 13:30

If you like the painting keep it at your house. The sibling obviously doesn’t want it and isn’t going to use it.

Firstruleofsoupover · 19/01/2022 13:31

Would it be possible to know please what you bought sister for Christmas the year before? Did she say thank you? If her personality has a tendency towards grabby, and say she might have been expecting expensive perfume or make up say, I can just imagine the pouting rejection of something she may not have the emotional depth to appreciate. Your mum should have put her straight and not pandered when she wanted to leave your “sub-standard” gift behind for you to see with intention you realise you had done a present “fail” aka “get me something I will like next year”. Too many “ “ ses.

Someone in my family buys the strangest gifts, if any, for birthday and Christmas, and has tried to give me back my own xmas gift once, which I refused. I usually make nice noises and always take the presents away even though I don’t keep much. What I buy for them, I never hear about again unless I ask. Dialled it down considerably this year with a carton of the useful and the edible, plus a nice Christmas decoration. Heard not a word.

Doyourememberthetime · 19/01/2022 13:32

I’m not seeing a floral background?

I would stop exchanging presents.

oakleaffy · 19/01/2022 13:35

What a horrid ungrateful wretch she sounds
If someone had done that for me, with my dear departed dogs, I’d have been so touched, even if it didn’t look like the dog exactly.
I’m sorry the ungrateful woman has been so rude to you.

2022HowDoYouDo · 19/01/2022 13:36

I come from a family of artists so this type of gift is pretty common to receive; some good, some bad, some in between but it's completely subjective and I wouldn't dream of rejecting a gift - that's poor manners. I think your sister and mother are rude and ungrateful. You could have bought her a Boots 2 for 1 toiletry set! I agree best to state no more gifts in future.

Staffy1 · 19/01/2022 13:39

@Doyourememberthetime, that’s not the picture, just an example of a similar one.

Original poster
giftAIBU · 19/01/2022 13:39

To reiterate, the example I posted isn't the actual picture, but similar in style.

@Firstruleofsoupover I actually can't remember what I bought sibling last year (DH had just died so it's a blur!), but it would have been similar in value as within the family we tend to stick to a rough "budget". I believe they thanked me, but I wouldn't find it massively unusual or hurtful if they hadn't as that's not really the sort of person they are, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 19/01/2022 13:40

You made a big effort so yanbu to feel hurt. Your sister is rude and ungrateful. Miss her off your Xmas list in future.

Coronawireless · 19/01/2022 13:45

her condition is exacerbated by stress/upset

OP, you mentioned the above re your mum. Also that it is your mum, not your sister, who expects you to buy presents for your sister. Also that your mum, not your sister, spoke to you about the painting.
Do I sense a little bit of triangulation here? Everything in your family goes through your mum and she chooses what to communicate to others. And then gets ill if there is any challenge.
Is it worth dealing directly with your sister and other family members from now on? Not through your mum? Your sister sounds thoughtless and self-centred - but have you two ever developed an adult relationship separate to your mum? You might even surprise each other - though don’t expect too much or too soon. Keep it light and as a long-term strategy. But just a thought.

Wideawakeandconfused · 19/01/2022 13:46

I love that picture, and would have been delighted to receive as a gift.

The first Christmas we had our Westies, every gift from the family was Westie related - calendars, garden ornaments etc. Not our taste but we were so grateful and slowly phased them out. Your sister is incredibly rude, and while you are tying to see it from her perspective, she should have been kind enough to have done the same.

Restawhile · 19/01/2022 13:51

It’s a great likeness and a beautiful thoughtful present. I’m sorry for you that your sister is so rude and ungrateful.

Your Mum is also weak and it’s awful her behaviour with this entitled sibling towards you.

I would not engage in present buying again. I would enjoy my family time with my child and enjoy spending time with people who treat me as I treat them.

You sound anxious about this reaction from them both and if you can I would seek counselling to understand this unfair family dynamic and that you are not responsible for their poor behaviour. You seem a good and kind person who is being unfairly treated.

So sorry for your loss.

ChargingBuck · 19/01/2022 13:56

Additionally, my mum is disabled and her condition is exacerbated by stress/upset

I have no doubt this is true.
Unfortunately, I also have no doubt that DM manufactures "stress & upset" at will, when it suits her to manipulate OP.

diddl · 19/01/2022 13:56

"Sibling didn't get me - or my child, their only nephew - anything for Christmas, but they would say this was deliberate so we could choose something when we next saw them"

Do you actually ever end up getting anything?

Why can she arrange to meet you before Christmas so that you have something on the day?

Oh yes, she's so endearingly forgetful that the day must just take her by surprise!Hmm

You say that she wouldn't be deliberately unkind & that your mum wouldn't stir-but this is surely an example of just that from both of them?

Original poster
giftAIBU · 19/01/2022 13:57

Thank you so much for your perspectives, everyone - am going to namechange back again so will bow out for now! It's been really useful getting your views. I feel a lot calmer now having realised that a) I'm not unreasonable to be hurt but b) sibling hasn't done this out of malice, but rather thoughtlessness. I think I will keep it light and calm, not make a big deal, but suggest to sibling that we stop buying each other Christmas presents. My mum is a whole other matter and I suspect I need therapy to start unpicking that one!

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 19/01/2022 13:59

I would sack them both off. Not in the sense of LTB, but no more presents for either of them.

Your mum I think is the chief offender in this scenario though.

Memyselfandfood · 19/01/2022 13:59

They're both rude.
Do not buy for your mother or sibling again, ever.
Rude ungrateful people do not deserve gifts.
It was a lovely idea and gift Flowers

ShinyHappyPoster · 19/01/2022 13:59

I wonder if it's not about the accuracy of the portrait at all but rather about your DM 'worrying' about how you're managing your money after losing your DH. What leapt out to me was the worry about being 'ripped off'. And like PPs have said, this could have come from your DM or your DSIS.
Either way, I love a PPs' suggestion that you take the painting back and put it up somewhere in your own house. No need for drama, just ask DSIS if she wants to keep the painting or not and if she doesn't, you can collect it from your DM's. Don't enter into any conversations about costs or being 'ripped off'. Don't allow them to comment on your financial matters. unless it is something you'd welcome their help with

Sartre · 19/01/2022 14:05

I think it’s a lovely gift, very well done. Even if it was a crap painting (which it definitely isn’t), they should still have gracefully accepted it. Exceptionally rude of them and of your Mum not to tell them as much.

Bluebluemoon39 · 19/01/2022 14:05

I think it was a lovely, thoughtful gift and your sibling and dm are rude, cruel and thoughtless.

I don't see how on any planet or in any way shape or form you would BU for being very hurt by this.
Even if I received a gift I HATED I would never let the person who gave it to me know I felt that way. Don't buy your sibling any more presents is my advice! (And if it were me, sibling and dm would be getting a short, sharp lesson in manners too!)

Coronawireless · 19/01/2022 14:06

You never know. Maybe your sister hates living so close to a mum who can’t be stressed in any way? Maybe she sees you as getting off lightly being further away? (Maybe I’m wrong but who knows!).
Might I suggest that for your next gift to your sis you suggest that you treat her to dinner somewhere nice, just the two of you, and have a chat over wine. Maybe it’ll work, maybe not.