AIBU about reaction to gift?

[giftAIBU]

Name changed because it's outing and I don't need my family finding my main account!

For Christmas, I commissioned an artist to do a stylised portrait of my sibling's beloved pet. I knew it was a bit of a risky gift but they are very tough to buy for as they're quite well off and really have everything they need, and I figured that even if they hated the actual picture, they would appreciate the thought that went in to it, and because we don't live near each other they could hide it in a cupboard for most of the year if needs be!

I put a lot of time and effort into it, going back and forth with the artist to get it right, and while it wasn't excessively expensive, it wasn't cheap either.

Anyway, Christmas came and went and I didn't hear anything from my sibling, but that's not massively unusual so I didn't think anything of it. I then came to stay with my Mum and found the picture lying on the side in her house. I remarked that sibling hadn't taken it home, and she said (very defensively) "[Sibling] doesn't think it's very good so wanted to talk to you about it". I was a bit aghast and my mum added that my sibling was "worried" that I had been ripped off and that's why they wanted to speak to me.

In my eyes, this is rude beyond belief - it's clearly a gift that a lot of thought has gone in to, and in my opinion if you get a gift you don't like, you smile and say thank you anyway. Also I don't think it's the receiver's place to worry about whether or not a gift is worth what the giver paid for it.

For my sibling, I'm guessing that it's just good sense to reject the gift considering they don't like it - I'm assuming they think I would be able to get a refund (although of course I can't because it's personalised and I approved it before it was sent out!).

I feel incredibly hurt by both my sibling's actions and my mum's vehement defence of them. We were brought up to always be grateful for gifts, regardless of whether or not we actually liked them, and I can't help but feel if this were the other way around, my mum would be horrified with me.

For background:

• I lost my spouse last year so it was something of an effort to get Christmas presents sorted
• Mum, sibling and I have quite a difficult dynamic - sibling is the golden child, regardless of behaviour, and my mum will always take their side, so I am no doubt oversensitive when it happens
• Sibling didn't get me - or my child, their only nephew - anything for Christmas, but they would say this was deliberate so we could choose something when we next saw them

So I guess my question is - AIBU to be hurt?

I would just suggest you all stop giving gifts from now on, saves you the hassle of trying to please them. Plus you don't get anything in return anyway.

Fwiw I love the that style of picture and would have loved that as a gift

@Bonheurdupasse

Please stop getting them presents - ever - and use the exact same line as she does when she complains.

OP,

Awfully rude.

Perhaps try and get some counselling to understand why you accept being treated so pooly and seek out your family in these circumstances.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't give it any further thought.

Don't buy again and focus on protecting yourself and your child from people like this.

They really don't enhance your life.

@coronawireless 5 years younger than me. Your comment really made me think, actually. I am certain it wasn't done maliciously - sibling is many things, but they're not deliberately cruel (although they wouldn't shy away from being cruel if it was a side effect of something that benefited them, iyswim). I think you have assessed the situation very astutely, and I should try and take my own emotions out of it because their motivation would not be to hurt me. If I really look at my feelings closely, I wonder if perhaps I'm more hurt by my mum taking their side as I believe she understands why this would be hurtful and would be hurt if they had done the same to her.

@Bonheurdupasse

Please stop getting them presents - ever - and use the exact same line as she does when she complains.

Please please listen to this poster.

Thank you @billy1996. My friends would say the same, and encourage me to distance myself from them. I know I'm continually seeking their approval which I rarely get. It was a lot easier to maintain a distance when my husband was alive, but I feel a lot more "alone" now so it's hard to do. Plus they have genuinely been a wonderful support in the wake of his death, and are great parents and grandparents in many ways.

Absolutely outrageous behaviour. Height of rudeness.

Where does the golden sibling idea come from?

I bet the picture isn't awful either, I bet this is just a sibling who didn't like the fact you'd done something so nice. I bet when she opened it, it was met with - oh how lovely, how thoughtful etc etc so your sister immediately went into 'no it's not' behavious. It's clever but at the heart of the behaviour is jealousy and feeling inferior - so she must strive to always be seen as 'better' and at the heart of your Mum's issue is co-dependency.

You can entirely disagree with all that, haha, but on the face of it - I imagine there's a lot more insecurity going off.

Also, lovely as the picture may be, people can be funny about having to hang pictures other people give them without checking first. You liked it so you assumed she would too. But in itself that can be a little disrespectful. Maybe she feels put-upon or as if her own taste is irrelevant to her older sister. You describe yourself as emotional but maybe to others you can come across as a little manipulative or needy? I’m not saying this is the case at all but just consider how someone like your thoughtless younger sibling may choose to see it.
I’m sorry about your bereavement💐

It is a very risky gift, and I wouldn't have commissioned a painting of someone else's pet without checking if it was something they would like or be interested in.

That doesn't mean your sibling isn't thoughtless and rude. But there is clearly much more going on.

And yes, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Honestly, OP, I would have been horrified to be given that as a gift, especially if it had clearly cost my newly-widowed sibling a lot of time, effort and money, which would have made me feel a lot worse about it.

I wouldn't have said so, and I think your mother was absolutely shit-stirring (why was the painting on the counter in her kitchen, anyway? Was Christmas at her house, so your sibling had left it there, rather than taken it home? Surely it won't have been lying on the kitchen counter since Christmas, though, so did your mother take it out again deliberately when she knew you were coming to visit?), but from what you say yourself you knew that this was a 'risky' present, and given in the context of an obviously tricky sibling relationship, so I think a result like this wasn't unlikely. I'd go for safe, inexpensive consumables in your shoes, if you choose to continue gifts.

I suppose my main question, given what you say about your dynamic with your sibling and your mother, is how much of this actually came from your sibling? You've had no direct communication from them about it, so is it possible a lot of this is your mother?

YANBU to be offended but I think mainly because of your sibling’s reaction ie worried you had been ripped off. I wouldn’t mind if someone didn’t particularly like something I’d gifted them, everyone has different tastes but to be worried you’d been ripped if is quite condescending and undermining of your sense of judgement. As previous posters have said, agree not to do gifts in future. Also does your mum always stir the pot? Very insensitive of her.

I mean, I can easily imagine privately expressing my dismay at a present in front of my mother, and saying 'I really hope X didn't pay a lot of money for this', but not in any way intending her to trot off to X and say I hated it and that I'd hoped she could get a refund.

@grapewine

It is a very risky gift, and I wouldn't have commissioned a painting of someone else's pet without checking if it was something they would like or be interested in.

That doesn't mean your sibling isn't thoughtless and rude. But there is clearly much more going on.

What else could be going on?

The sister was rue and thoughtless.

OP, you will not get a present from her.

I think your approach of not doing presents anymore is a good one.

I think you have got in a dynamic with your mum where it's ok for your sister to be blunt and outspoken but not you.

There is no harm is showing when you're upset. These people need to learn you're not made of stone and have feelings too.

My mum likes scented candles etc. so I bought one from a local business. I thought it smelled lovely. When she can round on Christmas Day she handed it to me saying ‘you have this it’s honking!’ I said I thought it was nice. I thought that was really rude, she could have re-gifted it or put it in the n no a jumble sale. She gave us a lot of tat and being a bit petty said ‘you should really take all that home as none of it is useful!’she refused! So it’s on for her to return gifts but not me when she bought me a top that is too small (I’m tall and it was way too short), a dove gift set (I have said a million times I despise the smell) and s cheap necklace that although nice was not my style. It’s rude!

@Kinko Lots of reasons for sibling being the golden child, some justified, some not. Sibling was very ill as a child and nearly died, and this has definitely impacted my mum's feelings towards them (understandably). Sibling also still lives very close to my parents and sees them several times a week, whereas I live hundreds of miles away - my choice, and I understand that how that has impacted the dynamic is my fault. Sibling and my mum are definitely more similar in temperament and opinions, and just get on a lot better, and I can absolutely understand that.

I don't think sibling would resent me for doing something nice, I genuinely think for them this is as simple as they don't like it/think it's very good, so they're rejecting it. But I do think you're right that there are issues of co-dependency going on.

@Coronawireless @grapewine That's a good perspective, thank you. I definitely didn't expect them to like it or hang it in pride of place or anything! But perhaps from sibling's perspective, being honest about it is more respectful than pretending to like it and then throwing it away. I don't think I'm emotionally manipulative now but I would have been in the past, and perhaps my family still see me in that way and that impacts the way they react when I express genuine emotion. So that's a useful thing to reflect on.

@giftAIBU

Thank you *@billy1996*. My friends would say the same, and encourage me to distance myself from them. I know I'm continually seeking their approval which I rarely get. It was a lot easier to maintain a distance when my husband was alive, but I feel a lot more "alone" now so it's hard to do. Plus they have genuinely been a wonderful support in the wake of his death, and are great parents and grandparents in many ways.

This is sad to read but it’s good that you have good friends. You know you won’t get much emotional support from your mum or sister - they don’t sound capable of it and to be fair may not expect it in return so can’t understand why someone else would need it. Trying to get it from them would be like trying to get it from a hamster. So enjoy having occasional family days out with your hamster family but seek your emotional support elsewhere.

Your sibling is a dick.

well i wouldnt be hurt so much as bloody fuming , both your mum and sibling sound rude and thoughtless , if your sibling does say anything to you id just say ok noted , and then when its birthday , christmas time rolls around , just a card and thats it , nothing else , and if anything gets said all you have to do is say oh well when i get a gift you dont like it , so i thought cards is easier

you sound a bit soft in comparison to them , but unless you want them to be hurting your feelings and always feeling inadequate then its time to toughen up a bit . and not worry if you just bunging them a card upsets them . you need to keep it in your head that they arent worrying about your feeling , so dont spare theirs

I think it's fab - I would absolute love something like this and appreciate the thought that had gone into it.

YANBU, your mother and sister are very rude. I believe that even if you don't particularly like a gift you make the right noises to the giver. I certainly wouldn't bother buying for her again, particularly as she doesn't bother with you or your son.

@Farrandau Yes, Christmas was hosted here, and it most likely would have been lying there since Christmas I think. My mum wouldn't deliberately stir things up between us in that way, I don't think - her biggest dream is for us to get on all the time! In sibling's mind, I suspect it's very logical - they didn't like it/think it's bad, therefore they should reject it - my feelings won't really have come in to it. If anything, like you say, they will be dismayed that I've spent time and money on it, and probably don't realise that if they'd show appreciation for the thought (even if they admitted to not liking it) it wouldn't have felt like a waste of time and money to me!

You are absolutely right though that I should have anticipated this and played it safer - that was definitely an error and one I won't make again. I will wait and see what they say to me about it directly, too.

@Coffeeholix Yes, absolutely - I'm not at all offended that they didn't like it (genuinely!) - but I am offended that they have been so blatant about it!

@phishy I think you have got in a dynamic with your mum where it's ok for your sister to be blunt and outspoken but not you. I think this is very true. It's seen as a quirk of sibling's personality, so is acceptable.

@BashfulClam That's awful, I'm so sorry! But it is useful to see that others behave in this way too, presumably with no intention of being cruel.

I think you all think the picture attached is what she gave her sister. The picture attached is just an example.

@chaosrabbitland You are definitely right that I need to toughen up. I seem to be incapable of doing so when it comes to my family, especially since DH died. Argh.

[quote giftAIBU]@Maves No, I really liked it! I approved it before it was sent out. I can definitely understand if it wasn't to sibling's taste, but I felt the thought would count regardless, I guess![/quote]
If there was a chance of it not being to their taste then surely it wasn't a thoughtful gift?

That said they sound ridiculously rude, enabled by your mother.

It's baffling that you bother with gifts at all tbh.

It’s funny, having had and worked with animals my whole life I see differences that sometimes other people wouldn’t see. To some 4 black labs might look the same, but to their owners, or a trained eye, they will all be very different.
If I were to see a picture of my Jack Russell I’d expect to see more than the markings in the right place. It might be that to a layman that the picture is recognisable as their pet, but genuinely doesn’t actually not look much like it? Could they just be honestly concerned that you’ve been ripped off?
I know it’s the thought that counts, and they should be gracious, but could they also not want you to have paid for a professional portrait that isn’t up to scratch?

@Theblacksheepandme Yes - it was as close as I could find without getting a picture from the actual artist which would a) be even more outing and b) not be very kind to the artist!