AIBU about reaction to gift?

[giftAIBU]

Name changed because it's outing and I don't need my family finding my main account!

For Christmas, I commissioned an artist to do a stylised portrait of my sibling's beloved pet. I knew it was a bit of a risky gift but they are very tough to buy for as they're quite well off and really have everything they need, and I figured that even if they hated the actual picture, they would appreciate the thought that went in to it, and because we don't live near each other they could hide it in a cupboard for most of the year if needs be!

I put a lot of time and effort into it, going back and forth with the artist to get it right, and while it wasn't excessively expensive, it wasn't cheap either.

Anyway, Christmas came and went and I didn't hear anything from my sibling, but that's not massively unusual so I didn't think anything of it. I then came to stay with my Mum and found the picture lying on the side in her house. I remarked that sibling hadn't taken it home, and she said (very defensively) "[Sibling] doesn't think it's very good so wanted to talk to you about it". I was a bit aghast and my mum added that my sibling was "worried" that I had been ripped off and that's why they wanted to speak to me.

In my eyes, this is rude beyond belief - it's clearly a gift that a lot of thought has gone in to, and in my opinion if you get a gift you don't like, you smile and say thank you anyway. Also I don't think it's the receiver's place to worry about whether or not a gift is worth what the giver paid for it.

For my sibling, I'm guessing that it's just good sense to reject the gift considering they don't like it - I'm assuming they think I would be able to get a refund (although of course I can't because it's personalised and I approved it before it was sent out!).

I feel incredibly hurt by both my sibling's actions and my mum's vehement defence of them. We were brought up to always be grateful for gifts, regardless of whether or not we actually liked them, and I can't help but feel if this were the other way around, my mum would be horrified with me.

For background:

• I lost my spouse last year so it was something of an effort to get Christmas presents sorted
• Mum, sibling and I have quite a difficult dynamic - sibling is the golden child, regardless of behaviour, and my mum will always take their side, so I am no doubt oversensitive when it happens
• Sibling didn't get me - or my child, their only nephew - anything for Christmas, but they would say this was deliberate so we could choose something when we next saw them

So I guess my question is - AIBU to be hurt?

@Nanny0gg sorry but I disagree, it's not rude to tell a giver that you don't like something but it does depend on how you tell them.

For Christmas I received a jumper that just wasn't me, why wouldn't I tell the giver that I didn't like it and wouldn't wear it - it's just a waste of money to keep it and not wear it. I told her thank you but it wasn't my style and would she mind if I/her exchanged it, she had absolutely no issue with this and neither would I.

But equally I also know that I am prone to overreacting as I already feel very much "the odd one out" in my family, and my imagination is running wild picturing them all slagging it off on Christmas morning!

My dear you are certainly not prone to over-reacting.
That is decades of being DARVO'd making you blame yourself for your family's unpleasantness to you - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

You are reacting absolutely proportionately to being constantly undermined - anyone would feel the same.

Fucking hell, all this was there a likeness, was it good, was it to their exacting taste, tell people you dislike gifts at Christmas. What the actual fuck is wrong with everyone arguing these points? OP lost her husband this year, a child has lost their father, it's the first Christmas without him and THIS is how OP sister and mother occupy themselves? How about showing a little bit of concern for the tough year OP had, for the loss of her husband, for the loss of a nephew/niece's dad. @giftAIBU if you were my family I would have wrapped you and DC up in cotton wool for Christmas and did my best to do whatever you needed in such tough circumstances. I don't know why you bother with your family at all.

I suspect it wasn't that they thought it wasn't very good but more just not their taste. I agree it's rude but I have a similar dynamic with my mother and sibling. Sibling is spoiled completely has never had to fend for themselves in anyway their dp also panders to them so it's lead to them not really being very socially aware, expecting others to pander, they have zero filter, they expect a lot and don't give a lot back. Its taken a long time but now I try to let things go over my head because I really don't think they know any better.

[quote giftAIBU]@whitney168 I think this might be the right approach if they bring it up, just to agree pleasantly that it's probably better if we don't do gifts moving forward. The temptation is to tell them how hurt I am, but I know from experience it would only lead to an argument that I would lose - sibling is incredibly intelligent and very good at tying me in knots, and I struggle because I always have emotion in the discussing whereas they rarely do (they are a much more logical thinker). Plus my mum would be on their side.[/quote]
It's easy to be logical when you know that everything you do & say is going to be supported by the driving force of the family matriarch.

It's very hard to remain unemotional when you know that you will never receive that matriarchal support, that your feelings will be dismissed & denigrated, & that however hard you try, your family is going to deliberately misinterpret you.

I doubt DS is more intelligent than you. Just more confident. She knows she can behave exactly as she chooses, & bad behaviour will be excused.

Besides, you are way more emotionally intelligent than DS. Your compassion & insight shine out of every post.
The more distance you choose to create between you, & your DS & DM, (however that might look for you having worked on your options with a therapist), the more confident you are going to feel.

& I'm silently applauding your decision to break with the one-way gift giving, but not make A Thing out of it. Very sound instincts, well done :)

Really, really rude. Can’t believe that people have become just so ungracious and materialistic re presents. It IS a very thoughtful present. If they don’t like it, then as far as I’m concerned they should have been grateful, because it’s clear it had a lot of thought and care going into it, and said thank you very much, and put it somewhere that wasn’t a prime place.

Some people seem to think they almost have a right to a perfect present. To actually make it a point of discussion with you - via your mum, actually saying that it wasn’t worth the unknown amount you paid is breathtaking. I am aghast.
If it were me and either of them attempted such an insulting, patronising and callous conversation, I would refuse to take part. “It was a present. I put a lot of thought into it. You don’t like it. You told me. Really rude. But over now. End of”
That’s the polite version.

It was a lot easier to maintain a distance when my husband was alive, but I feel a lot more "alone" now so it's hard to do. Plus they have genuinely been a wonderful support in the wake of his death, and are great parents and grandparents in many ways.

I am so sorry for your loss

However, brace yourself for a snarky comment:
Narcissists can be great in a crisis.
It's all about the drama.

Accept the support you wish to, but please don't get sucked back in to an unhealthy dynamic for you & DC. You are better off creating strong 'family-feeling' ties with close friends xx

How horrible I think that is a beautiful really lovely thoughtful gift it doesn't even matter if its not perfect it's absolutely the thoughtfulness and planning it took you to organise. To not even pop u a text to say thank you what an absolute arsehole your sister is. However your mum may have put her foot in it and your sister might not have wanted you to hear all that so I would absolutely speak to her first and why the hell should you hide how hurt you are tell her and while you're at it don't ever bother buying anything for her ever again. Unless she can't bear to look at pet because she's too sad or you got the wrong pet pic or if it is really really bad as in not actually even their pet she should just give you a hug and be touched by what a nice sister she has. If you lost your partner and they haven't even bothered with you this year that is just mean and shows how selfish she is unless she had said not doin presents cos too skint and that's what she wants to talk to you about. Your mum sounds a bit toxic too and maybe you need to take a step back if they keep hurting you like this but they need to know.

There is no harm is showing when you're upset. These people need to learn you're not made of stone and have feelings too.

Disagree with this (although PP made a lot of sense on rest of her post).

It's harmful to show a narcissist that you are hurt.
Far better strategy is Grey Rock.
Keep the drama out of it, & never show a narc your wounds - they will take note & use them to hurt you even more.

@chargingbuck Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that out, and sharing those links. I will absolutely read them when I'm able to (still at my mum's at the mo so will probably wait until I'm home!).

I love that! It’s a great painting!

@AmyDudley I am very sorry for your loss, and I imagine that not having someone to talk this hurtful action over with, has brought home your loss even more. I hope posting on here has helped. This is very, very true, and I was (and am) aware that this additional hurt has made me more sensitive than is possibly reasonable. It's been so helpful getting all the perspectives her.

Oh, how I LOVE this, @AmyDudley!

And personally, even though the picture is of her pet, if you like it, keep it for yourself and hang it in your house (and every time you look at it give it a wink and say 'sod her Rover' grin)

OP rise above it. Simple text to your sibling saying. 'Mum said you didn't like your Xmas gift. Not to worry - let's just agree not to exchange xmas / birthday gifts any more'. And you could ask for the painting back if you liked as you 'know someone who would like it'
I certainly wouldn't be engaging with your sibling or mum any more than this

how much of this actually came from your sibling? You've had no direct communication from them about it, so is it possible a lot of this is your mother?

I thought it was just me. You and most posters are ranting about how rude SIL has been. But I can't see any reference to her actually saying anything at all to you.

Your mum says that she's planning to, but for all you know she might just have said that to her mum but with no intention of actually doing so. Or just considered doing so but then realised that that would be ungrateful.

So yes, I'd blame your mum for stirring things up instead of just keeping it is it and saying "Oh yes, SIL left it behind, she knows and will pick it up later"

You've said several times that she's at liberty to do what she likes with it. So wait and see what happens before you decide whether she's rude. So far she hasn't done or said anything rude to you, that you haven't acknowledged is okay. She might just pick it up and hide it like you said she can. Or she might confront you on it which would be rude. But neither thing has happened yet.

I'd like that picture and I don't even have a dog :)

I'm very sorry about the loss of your spouse, I'm v impressed you managed to organise presents at all. Take care. xxx

instead of just keeping it is it ?

Instead of just keeping quiet!

I think your sister sounds like an ungrateful cow!

Plain rude and selfish, listening to how you describe your mum they sound like 2 peas in a pod.

For me, that would be present buying stopped!

There is no need for her to be rude!

It's a pleasure OP, as you have doubtless detected I have experience in this arena!

& crikey, no DON'T read the linked articles while you are still at DM's!
They are for a time of quiet reflection, & I really hope will lead you to some solid help with techniques to help you manage your relatives more easily, & remain more blase & detached from their nonsense.

OP, why are you worried about upsetting your mum by not buying your sibling a Xmas gift? What’s the worst that could happen, especially as you say sibling likely wouldn’t be bothered. I think you need to put a note in your diary for the start of December this year to go back and read this thread and dig deep for your assertive side. Stop buying her a present and just tell your mum the honest truth, in a calm polite manner: it’s never reciprocal and she is difficult to buy for. There is honestly no good reason your DM can give to argue you should continue.

@Chloemol I know that seems like the right course of behaviour but unfortunately that kind of confrontation would be like a bomb going off in my family and wouldn't achieve anything - mum and sibling would double down on their opinion that they were right and that I'm just being oversensitive, and I would be the one left feeling like I'd done something wrong. Additionally, my mum is disabled and her condition is exacerbated by stress/upset, so I would feel guilty for that too. But I will definitely suggest that we no longer buy each other Christmas presents - that's a line I can and should draw.

@Dontbeme It's actually my second Christmas (I said DH died "last year" out of habit, apologies). And in fairness to them, they have been very supportive on a practical level (emotional support not really sibling's strong point!). I do agree though that whether or not the picture is any good sort of isn't relevant because I'm not upset that they didn't like it, but upset about their reaction. Thank you for understanding that.

@ChargingBuck Your posts are so compassionate and helpful - I honestly can't thank you enough. I can't tell you how incredible it is to hear that perhaps this isn't all in my head after all! Also your point about them being good in a crisis - this is sibling to a T! And I'd never really made the association. They have been wonderful at very difficult times in my life, but not at all good for the rest of the time.

@NellieEllie I think your instinct to keep it factual and light is a good one - I'm going to try to do that if they bring it up.

@saraclara I absolutely get where you're coming from but I know that my mum isn't stirring out of malice. It has definitely been left here by my sibling (not SIL) deliberately, they are in my mum's house several times a week. But you are right that I should wait until sibling speaks to me directly.

@ohmybod I have put a note to this exact effect on my present-buying list for next year - thank you for the suggestion.

I think they've both been insensitive at best, but I think behaviour like that is rude and unkind.

You've said that you give presents to your sister more to keep your mum happy really, so if you really can't bring yourself to stop perhaps at least consider investing less thought into the gift to protect yourself from any future incidents. A box of chocolates or a generic candle perhaps.

All sounds really wrong to me. "They are the youngest and fondly seen as a bit disorganised etc, so not buying presents is a quirk of their personality. Whereas I am very organised, so not buying a present would be seen as a deliberate snub." I hate this sort of double standard!

I'd say that in light of having got this one so wrong, judging by their reaction, you'll get gifts together in future as they do, to be sure of getting something they'll like. You are NOT being unreasonable!!

@fluffymule I do genuinely love sibling and would have been delighted if they had liked the present - but yes, considering sibling really isn't fussed about getting presents, I do need to look at my motivations for buying them more closely.