AIBU about reaction to gift?

[giftAIBU]

Name changed because it's outing and I don't need my family finding my main account!

For Christmas, I commissioned an artist to do a stylised portrait of my sibling's beloved pet. I knew it was a bit of a risky gift but they are very tough to buy for as they're quite well off and really have everything they need, and I figured that even if they hated the actual picture, they would appreciate the thought that went in to it, and because we don't live near each other they could hide it in a cupboard for most of the year if needs be!

I put a lot of time and effort into it, going back and forth with the artist to get it right, and while it wasn't excessively expensive, it wasn't cheap either.

Anyway, Christmas came and went and I didn't hear anything from my sibling, but that's not massively unusual so I didn't think anything of it. I then came to stay with my Mum and found the picture lying on the side in her house. I remarked that sibling hadn't taken it home, and she said (very defensively) "[Sibling] doesn't think it's very good so wanted to talk to you about it". I was a bit aghast and my mum added that my sibling was "worried" that I had been ripped off and that's why they wanted to speak to me.

In my eyes, this is rude beyond belief - it's clearly a gift that a lot of thought has gone in to, and in my opinion if you get a gift you don't like, you smile and say thank you anyway. Also I don't think it's the receiver's place to worry about whether or not a gift is worth what the giver paid for it.

For my sibling, I'm guessing that it's just good sense to reject the gift considering they don't like it - I'm assuming they think I would be able to get a refund (although of course I can't because it's personalised and I approved it before it was sent out!).

I feel incredibly hurt by both my sibling's actions and my mum's vehement defence of them. We were brought up to always be grateful for gifts, regardless of whether or not we actually liked them, and I can't help but feel if this were the other way around, my mum would be horrified with me.

For background:

• I lost my spouse last year so it was something of an effort to get Christmas presents sorted
• Mum, sibling and I have quite a difficult dynamic - sibling is the golden child, regardless of behaviour, and my mum will always take their side, so I am no doubt oversensitive when it happens
• Sibling didn't get me - or my child, their only nephew - anything for Christmas, but they would say this was deliberate so we could choose something when we next saw them

So I guess my question is - AIBU to be hurt?

@MrsWinters

It’s funny, having had and worked with animals my whole life I see differences that sometimes other people wouldn’t see. To some 4 black labs might look the same, but to their owners, or a trained eye, they will all be very different. If I were to see a picture of my Jack Russell I’d expect to see more than the markings in the right place. It might be that to a layman that the picture is recognisable as their pet, but genuinely doesn’t actually not look much like it? Could they just be honestly concerned that you’ve been ripped off? I know it’s the thought that counts, and they should be gracious, but could they also not want you to have paid for a professional portrait that isn’t up to scratch?

If she was concerned OP was ripped off, she would have taken it home (remember she lives very near) and called OP.

The way she went about things is cruel. especially to someone widowed a mere year ago.

What did she get your for your last Christ.as and/or birthday OP?

@diddl That's a good point. I guess I very much expected they would like it, but I knew there was a chance they wouldn't purely because art is subjective.

@MrsWinters Yes this is also fair enough, perhaps to them it doesn't look enough like their pet. It has quite a lot of distinctive features so I guess to a layperson it would be recognisable, but perhaps not to them.

I should point out that it's not, like, a multiple hundreds of pounds hand painted huge portrait - it's an A4 print and was less than £60.

giftAIBU
sibling is the golden child, regardless of behaviour, and my mum will always take their side, so I am no doubt oversensitive when it happens

I think your Mother doing this is creating a toxic atmosphere.

@phishy For last Christmas (DH had just died) they offered to pay for my wedding rings to be made into a piece of jewellery when I was ready to take them off. We don't do birthdays - I used to, but stopped after a few years of non-reciprocal gifts. Birthdays are less of a big deal because my mum isn't necessarily aware of whether or not we're exchanging gifts. She would be upset if I didn't buy sibling a Christmas gift though, which is why I've continued. To be fair to sibling, I don't think they would care if I stopped!

I would have loved that!! Very rude of your sibling, and of your mum, especially given the year you'd had

What else could be going on?

I meant the dynamics in the family, which are clear from OP's posts.

OP given this is already outing and you've name changed, you might as well show us the actual picture!

[quote giftAIBU]@pinksyco Hmm... I would say it is a fair likeness in that it has captured pet's distinctive features. It's obviously not done by the best pet portrait artist in the world (!) but in my opinion it's cute and very clearly their pet.[/quote]
I am a pet owner and to me this is a very personal thing - is this one of these things that is generated from a photo as opposed to an artist as it were? Is her dog dead or alive? There's lots of this stuff out there - in costumes, like this , more realistic etc. Some people would literally not put one of these up no matter how much they liked their pet. You have made the wrong choice here I am afraid but she has been rude and should have just hung it in the toilet or garage.

I'd stick to buying failsafe gifts like biscuits or bath stuff for this sibling in future. But both sibling and your mum have been really rude and unkind. It doesn't matter whether the picture is to their taste, skilfully done or naff as fuck: polite, kind people say thank you for a gift and either pass it on or stick it in a cupboard if it's not to their taste. (I know there are some self-righteous twats who will go on about not keeping anything in their home that doesn't 'spark joy' and/or being 'honest' with people when you want to criticize them despite the fact that your opinion is just your opinion).

[quote giftAIBU]**@diddl* That's a good point. I guess I very much expected* they would like it, but I knew there was a chance they wouldn't purely because art is subjective.

@MrsWinters Yes this is also fair enough, perhaps to them it doesn't look enough like their pet. It has quite a lot of distinctive features so I guess to a layperson it would be recognisable, but perhaps not to them.

I should point out that it's not, like, a multiple hundreds of pounds hand painted huge portrait - it's an A4 print and was less than £60.[/quote]
Oh dear now you are saying it may not look like their pet to them?😬

@alwaysinaflap Yes, from a photo, and pet is alive. I think it looks like their pet! But I was acknowledging @MrsWinters point that their perspective might be different. If they liked it they would have put it up - they adore their pet and would definitely display something like this. So the concept was sound! But yes, the execution is clearly lacking for them, and I think that's fair enough. I'm genuinely not offended that they didn't like it, and I would never have expected to see it on display etc. But I wish they hadn't been quite so open about their rejection of it. I guess I agree with @Wreath21 that even if you think a present is naff, you still say thank you for it and appreciate the thought behind it.

I would always fake joy if I could tell that a gift was well intended. I have to say, though, that a work of art is not an ideal gift for someone. They may feel obliged to display it even if it's not to their taste. If she "has everything," something like a restaurant voucher or just some nice flowers might be safer.

@Forrandomposts Sorry, but I don't think that would be fair to the artist (who I actually found via Mumsnet, in a roundabout way, so they could be reading). The example I posted is very close to what it looked like, imo, just without the floral background.

Not liking the present is one thing. Leaving it behind is a huge snub.
Next Christmas I'd propose not exchanging gifts at all, because one doesn't give them and the other is obviously "quite bad" at them.

I can see why you are upset. I have had gifts from family that I would not choose myself but have kept them because it was them that gifted it IYSWIM?

You are marginalised already and this had further marginalised you. I'm not sure I would want to get closer to your DMum and DSis though quite honestly.

I can't imagine a world where I didn't buy my young bereaved nephew a Christmas present and then criticised my bereaved sister for her present.

That sounds like awful family dynamics. At the very least stop the present exchange in future. And possibly try a visit to the stately homes thread

Ha! This would very much not go down well. Expectations for me are very different to for my sibling. They are the youngest and fondly seen as a bit disorganised etc, so not buying presents is a quirk of their personality. Whereas I am very organised, so not buying a present would be seen as a deliberate snub.

How do you feel about the possibility of reframing this idea of "would not go down well", OP?

As you are going to be in the wrong, or unappreciated no matter what you do, how would it feel to do the sensible, reasonable thing, & simply reciprocate your sister's behaviour in not buying presents?

From the inside, it feels rational for you to accept this dynamic where you are the giver & sister gets a free pass. It's understandable, & is mired in your family's FOG - outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

• but from the outside, it's crazy! When you accept this Cinderella role DS & DM force upon you, all that you are ensuring is the expectation will continue & the dynamic will never change.

This isn't about the picture - unpleasant as this episode is for you to stomach. It's about how entrenched you, DS & DM are in the awful triangle created by your DM having a Golden Child.

When you have time - & I mean time to give yourself some gentle self-care after reading it - you are likely to find a lot of "aha - yes!" moments in this longish article - parenting.exposed/should-the-scapegoat-cant-trust-the-golden-child/

If you have not yet engaged with a therapist about your dysfunctional family & how to survive it, I hope you are able to access help in the very near future. Your situation is horrible, & won't change by you trying to appease your DM & DS. You need real life support to work through how your early life was influenced by a disordered upbringing, & to strategise how you want to handle the relationships from now, & manage your own responses to the Cinderella treatment imposed upon you.

Being the scapegoat sucks, & I'm sorry it happened to you.
But with expert help, if you want to change this dynamic, there are tried & tested tactics to help you, & I wish you all the best in finding them & starting to feel free of the FOG.

I wouldn't be hurt, I would be annoyed and it would be their last gift.

@MrsWinters

It’s funny, having had and worked with animals my whole life I see differences that sometimes other people wouldn’t see. To some 4 black labs might look the same, but to their owners, or a trained eye, they will all be very different. If I were to see a picture of my Jack Russell I’d expect to see more than the markings in the right place. It might be that to a layman that the picture is recognisable as their pet, but genuinely doesn’t actually not look much like it? Could they just be honestly concerned that you’ve been ripped off? I know it’s the thought that counts, and they should be gracious, but could they also not want you to have paid for a professional portrait that isn’t up to scratch?

But it's already been commissioned, created and gifted, so any complaints would be pointless at that stage and just for the sake of spite. If it was a pair of shoes that didn't fit, fair enough as you could exchange them and therefore ensure the giver didn't waste their money. Plus, it's a gift. A gift is something unexpected and undeserved, not something you get to be picky about. She didn't have to give her sister anything. Tne gesture itself deserves a warm thank you and expression of gratitude.

A warm thank you, gratitude and nothing more

And I also can't believe the OP's mother left it where it could be seen!

Exactly, @Nanny0gg.

Entirely deliberate, & pre-discussed with her Golden Child.
Hence the ominous - "[Sibling] doesn't think it's very good so wanted to talk to you about it"

& the telling - We were brought up to always be grateful for gifts, regardless of whether or not we actually liked them, and I can't help but feel if this were the other way around, my mum would be horrified with me.

OP has been set up to fail.
Golden Child doesn't even have to give presents to be approved of & supported. Scapegoat has to buy presents or would be "snubbing" - & is then scrutinised, found faulty, & undermined.

It stinks.

I think you need to calm down

& I think that is an obnoxious comment @MorningStarling.

OP has posted in an entirely measured & calm way.

I think your sister was very rude and unkind, but maybe when you've had a chance to speak to her it will seem less so and is maybe your Mum stirring things up a bit.
Personally I would be chuffed to bits with your present, because of the thought and effort that went into it and because I'd be really touched that you recognised how important my dog is to me. And I like the picture - but even if I didn't I'd still hang it up because of who gave it to me.

A very dear friend of mine gave me a picture for my 21st birthday (many many years ago !!) it really wasn't to my taste but I have had it hanging in my house ever since I got it, and I have grown to love it. Because every time I look at it I think of my lovely friend and all the good times we have had together.

I am very sorry for your loss, and I imagine that not having someone to talk this hurtful action over with, has brought home your loss even more. I hope posting on here has helped. And I hope that talking with your sister will bring some kind of resolution.

And personally, even though the picture is of her pet, if you like it, keep it for yourself and hang it in your house (and every time you look at it give it a wink and say 'sod her Rover' )

Why wouldn’t you tell both your mum and sister how hurt you are, otherwise this behaviour would continue

I would text/email both of them along the lines of mum says you didn’t like the picture, and wanted to talk to me about it so left it at mums where I could see. It’s fine you dont like it, but I am hurt by the response from both of you. I was always taught to say thank you for any gift, even if i didn’t like it, and quietly deal with it separately so as not to hurt the givers feelings. It’s even more hurtful as I went to a lot of effort to commission the picture and get it done ahead of Christmas and you (sisters name) couldn’t even be bothered to get me anything, especially after the difficult year I have had

Moving forward I expect an apology from both of you for your behaviour and I think it’s time we simply stop buying Christmas and birthday presents for each other

Then I would go low contact for a while

If you don’t stand up for yourself the behaviour will simply continue