For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

Also to add - going into my overdraft was scary because I was a foreign student and entitled to no help at all.
If I’d kept at it my visa could have been revoked and my studies terminated.

Please don’t wait for something really bad to happen

Not unreasonable not to want to work FT (I don't either!) but there's a massive difference between FT and 2 hours a week, which is barely working at all.

How old is your DC? 2.5 hours a day in school isn't much at all, is it a pre-school? could he move to a nursery and the funded hours be used in a couple of longer days instead to allow you to work 2-3 whole days a week? I would have thought on UC you'd have access to some worthwhile childcare funding.

@Toanewstart22

The decision will be taken out of your hands very soon oP

When your child hits 3 you will be expected to look for work under UC

Wow Is this really true? I'm not in receipt of any benefits, but I have a friend who has 3 children age 15,16 & 17 & she hasn't worked since the oldest one was born? She said they get around £550 a month in benefits? As her husband is on a relatively low income (23k) I've always been amazed that she hasn't had any pressure to return to work even tho her children are nearly adults now. I think she is on Tax Credits rather than UC, maybe that's difference, but quite shocking!

I work roughly 25 hours per work with extra preparation to do at night. My husband works full time, we have 2 children. I am amazed at what you spend! Do you meal plan? When I’m doing my shopping list I factor in a few extra snacks to take to the park so no need to buy from the cafe, I get a drink when I get home. I don’t but new clothes often. If I want something I think about it and shop around. It’s a mindset and it’s about taking responsibility. I love going on holiday so all of those coffees I don’t buy or taking my child to the park and not soft play means more money I can save for a cheap holiday.

You both sound disorganised and lacking responsibility for why you are spending. Doesn’t your child deserve better?

If you are working 16 hours a week or more you can get 30 hours of paid childcare for your DS. It might be worth finding a nursery that could take him for full days (or more that 2.5 hours a day) and then you can most probably find a part time job, you don't have to be full time but you certainly need to work more if you want more money and for your situation to improve.

It is hard before they go to school with childcare etc but unfortunately as previous posters said if you want more money you will have to work more. There is money to be saved by not eating out at Soft play, DP taking packed lunches etc. You need to get a budget together and try to stick to it. It's probably the only way you will get out of your current situation.

@blahblahx

Stop spending money you clearly don't have

^ This. You are living beyond your means.

@OhPatti

Ah, Mumsnet. The place to be if you enjoy being vilified and painted as a lazy sponger for saying you want to give your child, and your child's developmental issues, your full time and attention.

OP has been honest and hasn't glossed over her own shortcomings in all of this, but it's interesting to see how many posters are choosing to ignore what she has posted about wanting to give her very young DS her full attention, and the reasons for that. Ditto the anxiety she is battling. Ditto the lack of help from her DH.

There are some really nasty, judgemental, one-size-fits-all responses on this thread. Some, I suspect, posted by people who haven't experienced any of the issues the OP is up against.

But she's not even working the available hours where her child is elsewhere! And loads of parents of children with additional needs - and much more serious than the OPs child - work at least part time. And have other children to care for. And don't all have amazing, or any spouses. I'm afraid giving one child and their development your full attention is not something most people can afford. Or at least if they do make that decision, their lifestyle is going to take a hit. And we're not talking about basics of housing, food and transport here, the OP is spending money on softplay, eating out, clothes she doesn't need, etc

You are both spending far more money than you have to spend. You either work more or spend less. It’s quite simple.

It infuriates me that I work 20 hours a week in a difficult role at antisocial hours for a similar amount of money that is being gifted to you by the government. It has made you consider now that UC is a career choice as you won’t be much better off by working more.

You have a choice,

1. You both cut down on buying food for lunches out, be harsh on things like the photoshop thing, you get to grips with driving rather than paying for public transport, you go to the library etc rather than soft play, look for local children’s groups etc

1. You carry on as you are but you do more hours to get the money todo what you want, just like others

3 You put up all the barriers you already have and continue toget into debt

Over to you

Hold on - you work 2 hours a week cleaning..... and you are wondering why you dont have much money? Surely the answer is more hours but I am wondering if this is a trick question!

This is exactly why this country is broken and I will vote for the Tories after a lifetime of Labour voting. It is an utter disgrace.

@Wreath21

What 'we' as a society really need to do is to stop fetishizing 'work' when we mean waged employment. An enormous number of jobs serve no useful purpose apart from to keep poorer people occupied and humble, they are costly for the environment and don't even make that much of a profit for the people in charge of them. Why should anyone be obliged to spend several hours a day doing something as utterly useless as (eg) phoning other people, who do not want to recieve phone calls, to recite a script down the phone and get told to go fuck themselves, hour after hour? Those coming out with the usual puritan nonsense about 'my taxes pay for you to sit on your arse' please bear in mind that your taxes also pay for the Queen and her family of useless parasites to keep breeding, and for MPs to get pissed and laugh at the public. There are tasks that need doing but work for the sake of working is useless and should be abandoned.

Completely agree.

However, none of that helps the OP, who lives in the world we inhabit, not the one we'd like to inhabit.

I feel similarly about @OhPatti's response. I have experienced the issues the OP is up against, but because I was on my own and had no kids, I had to sort it out myself. Nobody else was going to fund me, and the state had no interest whatsoever. I would love to live in a world in which every person had the ability to choose the hours they worked, and the purpose of that working, so as to dedicate more time to their wellbeing and that of their children, but we do not live in that world. Suggesting that those with kids should nonetheless be able to pretend that they do live in that world, at the expense of everyone else who is actually living in reality, is pretty entitled.

Ah, Mumsnet. The place to be if you enjoy being vilified and painted as a lazy sponger for saying you want to give your child, and your child's developmental issues, your full time and attention

How many other parents would love to give their children their full attention?! How many parents would rather be with their children than work? How many people would just like to not work and relax? What makes OP so special?! Lots of people have children with complex needs or needs themselves and have to get on with it. Again, that’s life.

If your child gets dla and you claim carers you won’t be expected to look for work when they are 3

That was one of the very last reasons OP gave as a throwaway comment at the very end. If it had even the main part of OP's post I'd have more sympathy

So now the order in which the OP has chosen to present for information is being counted against her as well? Sheesh. FWIW, it didn't come across as throwaway to me.

I'm afraid giving one child and their development your full attention is not something most people can afford.

Then maybe this country - and in particular its vile, austerity-driven, I'm-all-right-Jack leadership - has its priorities wrong.

I have a child with ASD and a child with a physical disability.

I couldn’t sit back and wait for the money to come in. They had to be looked after and I had to work to provide for them. And I have physical issues and am - I believe - on the spectrum

When my two were both preschool and the interest rate on our mortgage hit 15% (ouch, the joys of Britain in the 80's) it was earn more money or lose the house. Childcare for two was prohibitive so I registered as a child minder and worked from home to earn what money I could. It made all the difference. We lived by cooking cheap cuts of meat and also cooking meat free dishes and most of the children's clothing and birthday/Christmas presents were bought second hand.

I see a lot of posts about the DH overspending and I don't really get it.

The only examples OP gives of the overspending are the car, Photoshop, and a PC on finance, plus buying lunch at work.

The car was absolutely needed, they were until recently a three person family with no other car. If you can't afford to buy a car outright, and it doesn't sound like either of them have any savings, then of course he had to pay for a car.
A Photoshop subscription is £10/m, hardly breaking the bank.
The PC on finance does sound excessive, not sure why he can't make do with a cheapo laptop for a couple of months while he saves up. But she doesn't say how much this actually is so who knows. If it's £20/m on his main hobby then I can't be worried about that.

*However, none of that helps the OP, who lives in the world we inhabit, not the one we'd like to inhabit.

I feel similarly about @OhPatti's response. I have experienced the issues the OP is up against, but because I was on my own and had no kids, I had to sort it out myself. Nobody else was going to fund me, and the state had no interest whatsoever. I would love to live in a world in which every person had the ability to choose the hours they worked, and the purpose of that working, so as to dedicate more time to their wellbeing and that of their children, but we do not live in that world. Suggesting that those with kids should nonetheless be able to pretend that they do live in that world, at the expense of everyone else who is actually living in reality, is pretty entitled.*

This ^^ well put

What makes OP so special?! Lots of people have children with complex needs or needs themselves and have to get on with it.

It's not about being 'special'. If this government had its priorities right then maybe people with complex needs would actually receive decent support (I don't just mean financial) and wouldn't just 'have to get on with it', as you so compassionately put it.

I suspect OP is overwhelmed, feels like the debts are insurmountable, panicking about the prospect of UC bring cut as dS gets older, concerned about diagnosis for dS and herself.

I'm sure I'm not alone in saying I've stuck my head in the sand in the past, rather than confronting a tangle of issues.

OP, why not start with getting spending under control and then deal with the next step?

Seems you know where you are overspending on unnecessary things yet don't do anything to change this. If you don't want to work well you can't be forced to, but equally you can't expect a certain lifestyle. We both work full time and our youngest is only 10 months old, would I rather be sat at home looking after my child? Well yes, but unfortunately to have the lifestyle we do requires 2 decent incomes. If you want to get out of debt and buy nice things you generally have to work unfortunately.

@Toanewstart22
When your child hits 3 you will be expected to look for work under UC
No her dh earns enough for the op to have no work requirements. UC is based on family earnings not individual.

@OhPatti

That was one of the very last reasons OP gave as a throwaway comment at the very end. If it had even the main part of OP's post I'd have more sympathy

So now the order in which the OP has chosen to present for information is being counted against her as well? Sheesh. FWIW, it didn't come across as throwaway to me.

I'm afraid giving one child and their development your full attention is not something most people can afford.

Then maybe this country - and in particular its vile, austerity-driven, I'm-all-right-Jack leadership - has its priorities wrong.

I always do a thought exercise with my children 'what would happen if everyone did this?' What would happen if in every family where there was a child with any kind of issue whatsever, that one parent stayed at home and claimed benefits? How would that be funded? How would social solidarity of any type be maintained if some people were working their asses off, partly to help pay for it and getting to spend less time with THEIR children? Do you really believe that is fair or sustainable? Or even in a childs best interests to see the family finances be organised around their disability? (And in some cases, and I know of a few personally here in Ireland, of a childs disability being used as an excuse and reason to stay dependent and extract money from the state where it is not justified).

I work 2 hours a week cleaning

Is this a typo?