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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to work full time?

501 replies

Wazza89 · 19/01/2022 10:38

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

OP posts:
MrsKDB · 19/01/2022 13:35

This thread is shocking. You get £700 and won’t work more than two hours a week?! This is the type of information that turns people into tories.

Keeva2017 · 19/01/2022 13:38

Also 2 hours a week is a paper round. I did more hours than that when I was age 13 so using the phrase “we both work” is misleading. No you don’t work.

DrSbaitso · 19/01/2022 13:40

You really aren't going to get much sympathy for your money worries if you don't make the most obvious and easiest cutbacks or work more than two hours a week.

Quartz2208 · 19/01/2022 13:40

You actually bring in a fair amount of money between the two of you (2100) and have rent of 600 leaving 1500 a month yet you seen to haemorrhaging money.

Your DH in particular has issues he has £700 a month yet appears to be in his overdraft, taking money off of you and expecting you to pay fuel money.

You need I think to properly sit down and work out finances because why does he need photoshop? He shouldnt be buying lunch every day and his bills are less than yours

Goldi321 · 19/01/2022 13:41

The less you do the less you will want to do, anxiety is a bugger and will blow small things out of proportion if you ruminate for too long on them. Increase your hours at work so you don’t have an option to pay public transport to go to the supermarket and will be forced to drive.

FruitToast · 19/01/2022 13:41

YABVU. You do 2 hours work and get £700 and then complain you have no money because you are spending it on frivolous things. I'd love to be at home with my kids and taking them to soft play and buying snacks and drinks twice a week but I'm at work earning money instead! We go on a free family day out with sandwiches and a pack of crisps at the weekend.

I think both you and DH need to sit down, have an adult conversation and work out how you are going to sort out your debts, where you will cut outgoings and work out if you can feasibly work around DHs job or how you will sort childcare to enable you to do more hours. If you don't want to work, fair enough, but you can't have the lifestyle you want.

I probably have ASD/ADD (my DD is also on the ASD pathway). Sadly many women do that weren't diagnosed as children because the diagnosis focuses on the male aspects of the condition. If you really think this is the true problem then you need professional help and/or need to learn some coping mechanisms for adult life. Even if you aren't in work, you will struggle by the time DS goes to school and the vast amount of organisation that requires in itself!

Marmite17 · 19/01/2022 13:45

Would you lose UC and have higher debt repayments if you worked more hours? Genuinely don't know. Do know someone with massive debt who floats under the radar. Debt will never be repaid but she makes small contributions. BUT is regularly hounded in spite of using Dial. A free debt/ financial advice service. Eventually got a bank account but Dial set up all essential bills with direct debit/standing order plus liaised with debtors.
Think you could work out whether or not more hours would actually make a difference. Tbh an income of just over 2000 pounds a month sounds a lot in your situation. Think you could end up working poor rather than what seems enough money to live on. Plus run 2 cars. Bit gobsmacked at that tbh.
You could look at selling stuff on eg vinted, e Bay or other apps.
The buying food out also seems ridiculous.
Problem is I suspect you are better off financially keeping benefits and avoiding any cuts. Plus not in a position to work full time.
If I were you would use your time doing an online course so when you do enter the workplace it isn't on minimum wage or no prospects. Friend had children young, worked part time as carer, did courses, worked her way up and now with adult children runs a care home. Loves job and 50K salary. Just an example.

Sloth66 · 19/01/2022 13:45

2 hours work for £700. Guess that’s a disincentive to work. Doesn’t make it right though… why shouldn’t you work more? The reasons you give aren’t that persuasive

caringcarer · 19/01/2022 13:46

You need to economise and get your spending under control. It's not fair to your kids to lumber them with parents constantly in debt when you just buy random crap you don't need.

FlowerArranger · 19/01/2022 13:49

@blahblahx

Stop spending money you clearly don't have
Precisely.
JudgeRindersMinder · 19/01/2022 13:51

All I see is a load of excuses. You worked more hours and your debt payments increased-good! You owe that money and should be paying it!
You’re choosing not to work, it’s not that there’s no work out there-why on earth should you be getting given £700 a month for working 8 hours?
I used to earn not much more than that for working all kinds of shitty shifts around my kids.

I know mine won’t be a popular opinion but I’m sick of seeing people like you being paid to sit on their arse and have quality time with their children on my dime.
I see that you think you have ADHD, and yes I know this causes issues, but there are strategies for dealing with these issues, and many people use them very successfully.

Get off your backside and put as much effort into making work a possibility as you put into justifying why not and you’ll be in a very good position.

Dwrcegin · 19/01/2022 13:52

[quote Wazza89]@BriansTail DS is only in school 2 and a half hours. I do some cleaning once a week, but don’t think anyone is going to hire me for 2 hours a day.[/quote]
Yes they will employ you for 2 hours a day. Some schools do early morning cleaning, midday day cleans and after school cleaning. These hours can be 2 or 2.5 hours a time. There is school canteen work too. All term time.

Cleaners are in demand. Look on your local councils jobs page.

FlowerArranger · 19/01/2022 13:52

YABVU. You do 2 hours work and get £700 and then complain you have no money because you are spending it on frivolous things. I'd love to be at home with my kids and taking them to soft play and buying snacks and drinks twice a week but I'm at work earning money instead! We go on a free family day out with sanwiches and a pack of crisps at the weekend?

I think both you and DH need to sit down, have an adult conversation and work out how you are going to sort out your debts, where you will cut outgoings and work out if you can feasibly work around DHs job or how you will sort childcare to enable you to do more hours. If you don't want to work, fair enough, but you can't have the lifestyle you want.

Absolutely. The entitlement in @Wazza89's OP is mind boggling!!

Itsallok · 19/01/2022 13:55

Lazy and entailed. Two hours a week is barely working. Get off your arse and stop whining

Itsallok · 19/01/2022 13:56

@MrsKDB

This thread is shocking. You get £700 and won’t work more than two hours a week?! This is the type of information that turns people into tories.
And this
anon12345678901 · 19/01/2022 13:59

Get off your ass and work. Most of us would love to work less, I'm a single mum working full time ffs. I just don't expect the benefits system to finance me because I don't feel like working.

Wreath21 · 19/01/2022 14:00

What 'we' as a society really need to do is to stop fetishizing 'work' when we mean waged employment. An enormous number of jobs serve no useful purpose apart from to keep poorer people occupied and humble, they are costly for the environment and don't even make that much of a profit for the people in charge of them. Why should anyone be obliged to spend several hours a day doing something as utterly useless as (eg) phoning other people, who do not want to recieve phone calls, to recite a script down the phone and get told to go fuck themselves, hour after hour?
Those coming out with the usual puritan nonsense about 'my taxes pay for you to sit on your arse' please bear in mind that your taxes also pay for the Queen and her family of useless parasites to keep breeding, and for MPs to get pissed and laugh at the public. There are tasks that need doing but work for the sake of working is useless and should be abandoned.

OhPatti · 19/01/2022 14:04

Ah, Mumsnet. The place to be if you enjoy being vilified and painted as a lazy sponger for saying you want to give your child, and your child's developmental issues, your full time and attention.

OP has been honest and hasn't glossed over her own shortcomings in all of this, but it's interesting to see how many posters are choosing to ignore what she has posted about wanting to give her very young DS her full attention, and the reasons for that. Ditto the anxiety she is battling. Ditto the lack of help from her DH.

There are some really nasty, judgemental, one-size-fits-all responses on this thread. Some, I suspect, posted by people who haven't experienced any of the issues the OP is up against.

JeshusHChr · 19/01/2022 14:04

TBH, I think both you and your DH need to sort out how you budget and manage money or you will continue to be in debt and overspending even if you do earn more money.

eurochick · 19/01/2022 14:05

I thought two hours a week must be a typo...

You need to work more. And probably spend less too. Yes, it's hard when the kids are young and you might well be tired and rushed but that's life.

KiloWhat · 19/01/2022 14:05

@OhPatti

Ah, Mumsnet. The place to be if you enjoy being vilified and painted as a lazy sponger for saying you want to give your child, and your child's developmental issues, your full time and attention.

OP has been honest and hasn't glossed over her own shortcomings in all of this, but it's interesting to see how many posters are choosing to ignore what she has posted about wanting to give her very young DS her full attention, and the reasons for that. Ditto the anxiety she is battling. Ditto the lack of help from her DH.

There are some really nasty, judgemental, one-size-fits-all responses on this thread. Some, I suspect, posted by people who haven't experienced any of the issues the OP is up against.

That was one of the very last reasons OP gave as a throwaway comment at the very end. If it had even the main part of OP's post I'd have more sympathy
DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 14:08

@OhPatti

Ah, Mumsnet. The place to be if you enjoy being vilified and painted as a lazy sponger for saying you want to give your child, and your child's developmental issues, your full time and attention.

OP has been honest and hasn't glossed over her own shortcomings in all of this, but it's interesting to see how many posters are choosing to ignore what she has posted about wanting to give her very young DS her full attention, and the reasons for that. Ditto the anxiety she is battling. Ditto the lack of help from her DH.

There are some really nasty, judgemental, one-size-fits-all responses on this thread. Some, I suspect, posted by people who haven't experienced any of the issues the OP is up against.

I agree. OP needs budget advice, debt advice, help re getting a diagnosis and the additional benefits she could get Direct payments if her dc gets dla eventually could pay for soft play and a cater to accompany them for example
DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 14:08

*carer

sanbeiji · 19/01/2022 14:13

I have ADHD and sort of understand your stupid decisions. Left to my own devices I used to do the same. Bought things I didn’t need, spent money I didn’t have.
Like you I refused to face up to facts until I went into my overdraft one day.

OP I know it’s hard but you have to discipline yourself. If necessary delet social media, get a debit card with a fixed amount, even slap yourself when you see something you want to buy.

It’s very very tiring and you didn’t ask to be made this way. But the consequences are dire.

Honestly the issue is not you wanting to work more, it’s you spending money you don’t have. You can work 24 hours a day but if you keep finding things to spend on you’ll always be in debt.

Your DH too.

Also there’s bar work, lots of jobs at night you could take on too.

Dragongirl10 · 19/01/2022 14:14

sorry op but it annoys me that you get UC when you think it is reasonable to work only 2 hours a week and spend recklessly.

I would rather my taxes went to a family that don't have the options of working more, are already stripped to the bone covering essential overheads such as rent/mortgage.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself.