For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

It can be overwhelming to feel you have to fix everything in one go, so can you set yourself a weekly challenge? Eg. one week you challenge yourself not to buy food outside the house, the next week you add in something else. It sounds like you have a sense of where money is leaking out, and that's a good starting point for you to start fixing those leaks.

Sometimes when you have a lot of scary things on your "to do" list, the best thing is to start with the least scary one. You build a bit of confidence from doing that, and that helps you go on to the next thing.

I don’t really want to work either, but bills need paying and we need to eat so kind of don’t have a choice.

@Wazza89 there is no requirement fir you to work when you child turns 3. Many people are just not aware how UC works. Your dh earns enough for you to have no work earning commitments.

@Wazza89 Start with changing one thing at time.

Buy snacks in advance for your trips out. I take a pack of mini bread sticks for ds a Soreen fruit loaf and a bottle of flavoured water for when we go out (the kids water is 8 for £1 from Aldi opposed to £1 each if we buy them out) or plan to go out after lunch and no snack needed at all! You could take a flask for yourself and put under the pushchair. Can you do the park instead of soft play and make the one that costs you a small fortune a monthly thing instead of twice weekly.

You need to sit down and do some serious budgeting, checking incoming and outgoings with a fine tooth-comb, food shops - are you food shopping at the cheaper places? Lidl / Aldi? Do you need certain direct debits? I cancelled a few recently like postcode Lotto / Spotify etc.

Have you spoken to your health visitor about possible interventions for your ds? Been to the drs for your own suspected adhd / etc ? Perhaps time to start the ball rolling.

Do you work for somebody? or for yourself cleaning? What work pattern does your dh work? Can you fit in any additional hours cleaning?

What about your debts, how much are we talking? And what repayments are you making?

Sorry for a thousand questions.

Ps Ignore the arsehole comments. I don't see why people even reply if they can't offer constructive advice rather than trying to shame people with shitty remarks that serve no purpose for anybody.

@Crunchymum

I work 2 hours a week cleaning

Is this a typo?

Thinking the same thing. 2 hours a week is barely even part time OP, you're practically unemployed and your DP does not earn enough to support a family. With respect, you need to get a grip and work more. You are accruing debt because you are burying your head in the sand. Its not magically going to improve. You're not going to win the lottery and everything will be solved. You will need to get more hours/a different job and start knocking away at the bills like most other people have to. Its crap, yea but it needs to be done.

If your anxiety is at such a point that working more than 2 hours a week is too much, you need to see a GP and get medicine or get an official diagnosis.

I used to be like you OP, but my DH is a higher earner and I had 2 little boys. I didn't want to work, I just wanted to hang out at home and please myself. I used to buy stuff every day, just for something to do - a trip to the shops or Internet splurging whilst the kids were at nursery. I got into debt and shamefully kept it hidden. Eventually I took job, 20 hours around school hours. I had to. Now, I know it was tge best thing I did. I value money now. I work full time and manage my finances. Bottom line - get SOME sort of job with MORE hours. You can do it.

Ovenaffray
You in particular are being disingenuous.

Not everyone can cope even those in so called similar circumstances. If that was the case then why aren't all paraplegics signing up for the paralympics?

One person with asd or add may work but that doesn't mean all can. Some schizophrenics have jobs but that doesn't mean all do...

Anyway people have piled onto this thread to benefit bash and pretend their shock and awe.

The op needs to get seriously budgeting, go see her gp, contact asd and add charities and seriously think of becoming a single parent.

The rest is just noise. She can claim because her child is young and there is nothing wrong with helping parents look after their children and stay home to do so.
Caring for your own children is work or why else when parents goes out to work is paid childcare needed?

But this thread shows how little people care about those who need help, how many people love to benefit bash and how smug gits think well I can do it so everyone can do it, without thinking about others experience/illnesses/ disabilities etc.

Completely gloss over the fact op mentioned ocd, add, anxiety and a young child with possible asd.

Do you think the op would seriously take the bus and leave her car sitting there if she wasn't so anxious? She clearly said she can only drive to a couple of places, is this normal?

Clearly this is a person who needs help and the 75% who came on here to bash and judge should be ashamed of themselves.

Yabu. I can't figure out why someone with debts to pay works 2 hours per week. You could easily pick up some more hours evening and weekends. You sound financially irresponsible and a bit lazy tbh

Sorry, working 2 hours a week is a joke unless you physically can't. As others have said, weekend cleaning jobs, pub, retail there are options but I'm guessing you can't be arsed.

YANBU not to want to work full time. YABU not to be able to manage on that money, your rent is not particularly high.

@OhPatti

Ah, Mumsnet. The place to be if you enjoy being vilified and painted as a lazy sponger for saying you want to give your child, and your child's developmental issues, your full time and attention.

OP has been honest and hasn't glossed over her own shortcomings in all of this, but it's interesting to see how many posters are choosing to ignore what she has posted about wanting to give her very young DS her full attention, and the reasons for that. Ditto the anxiety she is battling. Ditto the lack of help from her DH.

There are some really nasty, judgemental, one-size-fits-all responses on this thread. Some, I suspect, posted by people who haven't experienced any of the issues the OP is up against.

Wanting to care for your own child is an alien concept on mn

@CeeceeBloomingdale

You are both spending far more money than you have to spend. You either work more or spend less. It’s quite simple.

It infuriates me that I work 20 hours a week in a difficult role at antisocial hours for a similar amount of money that is being gifted to you by the government. It has made you consider now that UC is a career choice as you won’t be much better off by working more.

Exactly this…

Please stop the spending on the things you dont need. It's so easy to get into debt & it takes s long time to pay it off. You could try allocating yourself your spending money in cash & leaving the card at home.

@Toanewstart22

Op

For the second time

You are going to be required by UC to look for work when your child is 3
30 hours a week

That is wrong. It's 16 hours a week, 30 when the child turns 12.

@Aaaa1167336

This is exactly why this country is broken and I will vote for the Tories after a lifetime of Labour voting. It is an utter disgrace.

The Tories and rich people not paying tax cost you more money than the benefit spongers.

I don’t think anyone wants to work, so YANBU to not want to work.

But if you CAN work more than 2hrs/week, you should work more hours. So I agree with your DH that you should try and work more hours. Just double it to 4hrs/week and see how you get on. And look for a job that pays more..what qualifications do you have? Obviously, the more you work, the more house cleaning he will need to pitch in on.

Have you tried applying for PIP for your OCD? This would increase your income a bit.

You should get 30hrs free child care from age 3, look into that. Even if you’re not working that many hours, it would be beneficial to your DS and give you time to do the housecleaning on your own you can blitz through things faster. If your DS does have ASD, they can refer him and get you started on getting him a support plan in place by the time he is in reception.

For your debts, I would contact step change and get help setting up a budget and repayment plan. Your long list sounds very overwhelming and I think most organised people would find themselves drowning. You just need a bit of guidance and dedicated time with a debt advisor to get you on right path.

It's not about being 'special'. If this government had its priorities right then maybe people with complex needs would actually receive decent support (I don't just mean financial) and wouldn't just 'have to get on with it', as you so compassionately put it

Sorry but I think it’s extremely childish to, instead of taking responsibility in the here and now, hark on about your own version of a utopian society where everyone gets everything they need. It doesn’t work like that. There is an element of “getting on with it”, yes. Otherwise people just wouldn’t be bothered in general, and society will crumble. The majority of people need to work to support the minority who really need it. People who can work, should. Unfortunately there are people who exist who always look for excuses not to work.

[quote Wazza89]@BriansTail DS is only in school 2 and a half hours. I do some cleaning once a week, but don’t think anyone is going to hire me for 2 hours a day.[/quote]
A pal of mine has 8 or 9 private cleaning clients...she's self employed, and charges between 15 and 20 £ hourly.

She has an excellent reputation and a massive waiting list.

You could:
Talk very seriously to your DH about getting rid of his car
Drive more to local places you are unfamiliar with to get practice
Stop going to soft play, unless it’s once a month - there will be other local groups or go to the park
Get more hours of work: it doesn’t have to be cleaning - there are plenty of vacancies in all types of roles
Write down your skills and work on which you could develop with work
Get your DH cleaning (even if it’s just an hour at the weekend)
Have you got family who could look after DS for a few hours a week so you could work more?
If you of your DS seem to have ADHD/ASD get booking assessments
Cancel photoshop and other non essentials

And at times shes only worked 2/3 hours a day

Well this thread is just maddening, and I’m not even a UK tax payer.

The entitlement is mind-blowing.

Wanting to care for your own child is an alien concept on mn

Not really. I’m a SAHM because we can live off DH salary without any govt support. If we couldn’t then I wouldn’t stay at home - it’s not other people’s responsibility to pay for my children, or for me to stay at home with them. People are so entitled.

OP seek help for your likely ADHD. It’s incredible how differently your brain works once medicated. All the tasks/budgeting/organisation that people on here say you should “just” do - will become so much easier. I wept my first day on meds when I realised that other people had brains that could be orderly and calm and plan ahead. I still struggle a bit with impulse spending, but it is so much better. ASD and ADHD very closely linked, my son just diagnosed with ASD.

The title of the post is a bit misleading, there is a world of difference between workung full-time and working .... two hours a week.

YABU to live beyond your means.

If you don't to work full time or part time that's one thing, but cut your cloth accordingly.