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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting to work full time?

501 replies

Wazza89 · 19/01/2022 10:38

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

OP posts:

Gonnagetgoing · 19/01/2022 13:00

oh and either buy gluten free bread for your DH or look at an alternative he can have for packed lunches.

I would get your DH and you to look at your budgets overall - does he really need Photoshop on subscription, why, for his job?

LadyT27 · 19/01/2022 13:00

I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.

OP won't buy DH gluten free bread as he's not diagnosed celiac but expects not to work and receive benefits for undiagnosed ADHD and ASD herself and child. confused.

2pinkginsplease · 19/01/2022 13:03

You and your oh need to sit down , work out what money comes into the house, how much bills are and how much you are spending on crap.

You need to both work together and compromise, eg maybe one trip to soft play a week or one shop bought lunch a week for him.

You and your oh need to set a good example to your child about money , savings, spendings , budgeting etc.

If you spend so much money you need to get an evening/weekend job so that your oh is here to spend time with his little one while you work. Working 2 hours a week unless you have no debt and can afford it without help is laughable.

You are a team, a partnership, you need to work together.

Wife2b · 19/01/2022 13:03

Most people don’t want to work OP, but to have money you have to. It’s as simple as that. I’d be looking at ways to manage your OCD (and I say that as someone who works FT and also has diagnosed OCD requiring medication).

DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 13:03

@LadyT27

I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.

OP won't buy DH gluten free bread as he's not diagnosed celiac but expects not to work and receive benefits for undiagnosed ADHD and ASD herself and child. confused.

A bit random but did you know ASDA price match the free from food to regular so gf bread there won’t be anymore expensive

Keke94LND · 19/01/2022 13:07

@Wife2b

This is exactly it, I have Adhd, op thinks that have adhd but the wah op says it is like it's an excuse, life is harder with these things but you have to learn to manage it, you can't just say 'oh but I have adhd so not my fault'

wallysally · 19/01/2022 13:08

Wouldn't it be great if we could all work 2hours for 700 a month [hmm][angry]@Wazza89 the only thing that will get you more money is by earning more and/or spending less.

Keke94LND · 19/01/2022 13:08

@LadyT27

I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.

OP won't buy DH gluten free bread as he's not diagnosed celiac but expects not to work and receive benefits for undiagnosed ADHD and ASD herself and child. confused.

This is a good point

Limegreentangerine · 19/01/2022 13:08

Maybe look into getting all your debts consolidated ie ONE monthly repayment of say 100.00 a month , as PP say use step change etc , and before you say how do I know well I've just come out of an IVA after being in exactly the same situation as you .

For people that will scream oh it'll screw your chances of a mortgage .. if you have that much debt you won't be able to save a deposit anyway!

Metallicalover · 19/01/2022 13:08

You and your OH need to sit down and work out your incomings and outgoings.
Give the HP car back and use your car etc.
Not many families who are are receiving UC can afford one car never mind running 2 cars.

Then set up a budget on what you can spend as extras between you.
If your bad at organisation you need to find ways to manage it. I have ADHD and I'm obsessed with having lists of things to do, chore charts etc and doing little bits of housework each day so I don't become overwhelmed.
I also have my budget and everything written out, I know how much money I have to spend for each month worked out to a tee. Look into free things rather than soft plays, such as small playgroups at church halls etc costing less than soft plays, library's have rhyme time/music etc.
I prepare everything the night before as I know when I wake up in the morning my scatter brain will be all over! This includes getting my coffee cup out and putting the coffee granules in ready! Snacks and drinks for my 2 year old and bag packed with extra clothes, wipes etc!

Being in debt would stress me to hell!! So try and have a management plan to pay off your debts.
Tbh 2 hours a week is very little, cleaning is a very flexible job, have you looked into cleaning/ domestic in the care industry, they have lots of late shifts, early shifts, weekend shifts etc. Cleaning offices at night etc very flexible and family friendly.

qualitygirl · 19/01/2022 13:10

Check out the budget mom @Wazza89 she's on Instagram and has a whole budgeting method

DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 13:10

@Metallicalover

You and your OH need to sit down and work out your incomings and outgoings. Give the HP car back and use your car etc. Not many families who are are receiving UC can afford one car never mind running 2 cars.

Second this re lists ! I have a calendar , alarms / reminders on phone , a daily to do list etc It does help

Keeva2017 · 19/01/2022 13:11

You work 2 hours a week and you’re complaining that your skint? In that case I eat macdonalds and donuts everyday and I don’t think it’s fair I’m fat….

You get the comparison right? Get off your arse and work a few more hours. Tbh I can’t believe this is true!

confusednotcom · 19/01/2022 13:11

Not sure if this has been suggested but I'd recommend seeing the GP and getting counselling, if available, for your OCD and maybe get ADHD diagnosed. You sound like you have all the answers but find it difficult to put into practice. DP could clearly be more of a help but blaming him for not changing isn't going to make a difference to you apart from it'll make you feel resentful, which isn't good for either of you, or your DS. I'd suggest keeping a note of every time you don't spend unnecessarily whether it's on clothes, coffee or a snack - track how much you're saving. Put a proportion of this amount towards general living expenses and save the rest, to be used for something you really want instead of 'buy now regret later' purchases.

InThePresenceOfWeevil · 19/01/2022 13:12

YABVU

You're looking for every excuse under the sun not to work. You also seem to have excuses about why you're spending so much and can't cut down.

Think you need to grow up and realise this is the real world and you've got to take responsibility for yourself.

sunsshineshowerss · 19/01/2022 13:14

You are absolutely being unreasonable
You don't need to work full time
But you definitely should be working more than 2 hours a week OR cut your cloth accordingly.
You aren't sponging off your partner it's a joint effort it should be one joint income if you are doing all the childcare.

Why do you both think you can go buy things that aren't necessary yet be claiming benefits?
I've nothing against benefits but it's not a way for people to just not work we would all love to go to soft play and look after our children full time etc etc but we all make sacrifices.

You and your partner need to seriously draw up a budget and a long term plan because they way you are living isn't sustainable. Stop spending and getting into debt it's a cycle you'll never get out of if you don't draw a line in the sand. Whilst you do have the luxury of universal credit do an online course or night school and get some experience for a job.

Coffeepot72 · 19/01/2022 13:19

*You're looking for every excuse under the sun not to work. You also seem to have excuses about why you're spending so much and can't cut down.

Think you need to grow up and realise this is the real world and you've got to take responsibility for yourself.*

Yep.

grapewine · 19/01/2022 13:24

@LadyT27

I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.

OP won't buy DH gluten free bread as he's not diagnosed celiac but expects not to work and receive benefits for undiagnosed ADHD and ASD herself and child. confused.

On point.

BlueSky8 · 19/01/2022 13:26

We all work for what we have.

You want nice things and to take DC to soft play twice a week? Work for it.

Wizzbangfizz · 19/01/2022 13:26

Jesus Christ.

elbea · 19/01/2022 13:27

I have a flexible job that I can do around my one year old, from home. I do 24 hours a week and she goes to nursery for 16 hours. While she is at nursery I use some of the time to do errands/housework and then the rest working. I do it when she naps, in the evenings, a few hours maybe at the weekend.

BbqFanatic · 19/01/2022 13:28

You're not even working part time. Worry about working full time another time.

Butchyrestingface · 19/01/2022 13:28

Surely there's a lot of clear water between working full-time and working TWO hours a week?

I'd aim for 10 hours a week to start with, if you can make it work around childcare. So 2 hours cleaning per day 5 days a week, and two days off.

MabelsApron · 19/01/2022 13:28

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'm a big fan of a benefits system to aid those who can't work as long or for as much as they need to live off.

But it astounds me that a couple with one child can have one FT working parent on a relatively low income and the other parent is then subsidised massively for only working 2 hours a week.

Unbelievable.

I have to agree.

I'm lucky enough to be in decent employment now as I'm single so have to do everything myself, but when I was younger and in a NMW job, being single and childless meant living below the poverty line for years. I took all the extra hours I could get, requalified into a different career so had studying on top of it, was paying privately for a counsellor as I have mental health issues and there was a 3 year NHS waiting list, but throughout I got fuck all help because I had no kids. Thank God it paid off, and obviously I'm thrilled it did, but those years were absolutely awful. I can't imagine being in a position to choose to work 2 hours per week and just know that the rest would be provided by someone else. It's completely alien to me.

(Also, to other posters, PIP is extraordinarily difficult to obtain. I've significant MH issues and wasn't eligible.)

OP - you need to either work more or spend less. I'm sorry, but that's just the reality of it. You're NBU to not want to work full time - it's rubbish - but working to keep a roof over your head is the world we live in and it isn't changing any time soon.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 19/01/2022 13:28

You can't expect to not work and also have money for luxuries, most people can't. I've worked FT most of my life because I like having money in my pocket. having nice stuff and doing fun things. I expect most people are the same. As for the ADHD thing, my son has ADD, he still manages to go to Uni and also do a PT job (about 15 hours a week). You either need to cut your cloth or earn more, its pretty straightforward.

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