For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

I’ve just struggled since having ds and came here looking for advice on time management and organisation.
Is your DH neurotypical? If so he needs to take on the bulk of life admin, household management, thinking; you do the physical aspects, eg cleaning.
Get an official ADHD diagnosis so you can medicate, have CBT, get support.
Lower your standards around the house and let life become messy and disorganised — it’s what a lot of working parents do.
And to stop spending money, don’t take money out with you. Take the soft play fee but not cash for coffee. Leave your card at home.
Lots of money management tips online, and “no spend” challenges.

But none of this will matter if your DH doesn’t also get on board. The debts are only going to get bigger, and you’ll have little to show for it.

@Brieandcamembert

Why is the OP getting benefits? She isn't on maternity leave, jobseeking, or disabled. She isn't unable to work. She doesn't look after a child full-time - she's using 15 hours a week of free childcare

Quite. We are always told that the work shy "scrounging" portrayal is a myth...

You chose to have a child. Support it.

She has a child under five

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt!

Unfortunately you don’t have much choice.

I don’t see the point in working 2 hours a week tbh why not find a job on a Sunday or something and do the entire day 6-8 hours and you’ll actually have something to show for it.

@Mamamamasaurus

Also, do you mean your DC is in school for 2.5 hours a day, or a week? Why such short days?

I'm guessing nursery - 15hrs per week

In response to everyone… Of course I don’t want to stay on the dole forever. I’ve worked all my adult life. I’ve nearly completed an OU degree in Psychology and Criminology. I have a qualification in teaching English as a Foreign Language, and I’m also a qualified hair technician. I’ve worked over 50 hours a week to get myself out of debt and save.

I’m no “bum” but I don’t see why it’s solely MY responsibility to pay for childcare because I would still have to pay the upfront fees and have 15% deducted from my wages each month. I told DH he either helps me pay for childcare (50/50) or I carry on claiming UC. I’m also paying more than my fair share of bills. Unless I receive help from my partner regarding childcare costs, I’m not working anymore than 16 hours.

And yes the tv, air fryer, etc is stupid and entitled of me. I won’t argue there.

I don’t want to work but I do because I have to. You can’t not work but spend like you do

Or maybe you should get off your high horse. You don't get to decide what other peoples struggle looks like. She gets uc because she has a child under 5 and even our fucked up government recognises the importance of being at home if you choose to to do the most important job of all - raise a child.

If you’re choosing to stay at home and raise a child by working 2 hours a week and racking up debt, you’re not setting that child up for a happy and successful childhood. By the way, the child is at nursery for 15 hours, so not getting the benefit of this self sacrificing, wonderful mother doing the most important job of all (vom) any more than another child whose parent works 15 hours would be.

Certainly he should contribute. But if you're willing to work 16 hours that would be a great start - it's just working 2 hours that seems fairly pointless.

YANBU.

I don't work at all and have one child who is 6 and I really struggle to do everything that is needed. I can't relax in a messy house and constantly have a checklist of things that need doing. How parents with multiple children who both work full-time cope is beyond me! Life is just too much stress as it is.

Lower your standards around the house and let life become messy and disorganised

This would make me depressed.

If your DH works full time then why can’t you do a cleaning job for a few hours at night when he is home? You can do childcare all day then switch over for bath and bed time? My Mum and Dad juggled opposite shifts for years when we were little, sometimes literally handing children off at the door! If you want to spend the way you do and have the luxuries you have then you need to work for them!

@dressedstressed

YANBU.

I don't work at all and have one child who is 6 and I really struggle to do everything that is needed. I can't relax in a messy house and constantly have a checklist of things that need doing. How parents with multiple children who both work full-time cope is beyond me! Life is just too much stress as it is.

You are a SAHM of one school age child - I assume there are no disabilities, caring duties or additional needs anywhere since you don't mention any - and you really struggle to do everything you need?

Really? So anyone raising children and working full time are not doing the “most important job”. well enough? This is more “full time mummy” bollocks. Every mum is a full time mum, just some have the self respect to work too. How many threads on here are full of women who gave up/cut back on work and are now married to an arsehole who they want to leave but can’t afford to? Work is important. So is financial independent and security. And wanting both doesn’t make you less of a mum.

So who should pay then, if not you?

I have a strong suspicion there will be another baby before the first reaches the point where OP will have to work 30h...

@Nowhereelsetogo90

Really? So anyone raising children and working full time are not doing the “most important job”. well enough? This is more “full time mummy” bollocks. Every mum is a full time mum, just some have the self respect to work too. How many threads on here are full of women who gave up/cut back on work and are now married to an arsehole who they want to leave but can’t afford to? Work is important. So is financial independent and security. And wanting both doesn’t make you less of a mum.

In reply to @autienotnaughty previous post!

@dressedstressed

YANBU.

I don't work at all and have one child who is 6 and I really struggle to do everything that is needed. I can't relax in a messy house and constantly have a checklist of things that need doing. How parents with multiple children who both work full-time cope is beyond me! Life is just too much stress as it is.

What are you actually doing though, for what - 5 hours a day (assuming you have a lengthy school run)? Unless you live in Downton Abbey surely the cleaning and laundry can’t take more than a couple of hours a day max if your child is out at school. That leaves a lot of time for arranging repairs, life admin stuff, gardening, sorting out your car, food shops, whatever it is that’s involved in running your lives. I genuinely don’t understand what people are doing that they feel they can’t fit into the time you must have available.

Yes I know Her ‘income’ is UC and CB - I’m being facetious to point out that if you break it down to the hours she works that’s not a bad hourly rate. Of course she isn’t working to obtain the uc income.

I’m no arsehole and don’t vote blue, but I really think the benefits system needs to be overhauled. I think, somewhere along the line the purpose of the benefit system has been entirely forgotten.

I’ve worked my whole life and had no choice but to return to work and reduced my spending as I reduced my hours. I’d love to have been a stay at home mum or just work a couple of hours a week, so I really would love to know how that can be achieved in a way that my rent gets paid and I get money from the government for my other outgoings. If I were to be made redundant or lose my job it would be months before I got any support from the government.

I shall caveats that I’ve previously been in a situation where I had tens of thousands of debt making stupid decisions and living beyond my means - it’s all been paid off by working my arse off.

It’s been a shit week at work, it’s only Wednesday and this has made me cross!

And the bloody thing didn’t reply to the person who mentioned me 🤦🏼‍♀️

You are a SAHM of one school age child - I assume there are no disabilities, caring duties or additional needs anywhere since you don't mention any - and you really struggle to do everything you need?

Yeah. I don't really understand how working full-time and managing a house works... You only have a few hours in the evening to so everything, one day at the weekend I'd you're lucky and you'd be exhausted then. Life stresses me out as it is.

I’m no “bum” but I don’t see why it’s solely MY responsibility to pay for childcare because I would still have to pay the upfront fees and have 15% deducted from my wages each month.

Why would you need to pay childcare when you can just get an evening job and let DH sort your DC out.

@Autienotnaughty By her own admission, she works two hours per week, claims benefits and gets 15 hours per week childcare. She could be working for those 15 hours per week instead of using that time to spend money on shit, then moaning about it.
No sitting on high horses here.
Other mother's manage to work 20 plus and full time hours weekly while raising a family.

Well as long as you’re not claiming you’re ‘left behind’ and resenting other people who work for having things crack on. Personally I couldn’t willingly put myself and child in such a precarious financial situation. Hopefully your child will see not working, being in debt and having to hide behind the sofa from bailiffs is no life and it drives them to take a different path.

@Psychologika completely agree. Some people are just lazy wasters.

I’m no bum

You kind of are though…

You both have a lifestyle way beyond your means.

I'd suggest bankruptcy to clear the debts and start fresh over.

If DP wants a car on his low salary that will have to be his only non essential expense

You should sell your car to pay off debts and stop spending in any non essentials until you work more hours.

There is a happy medium between 2hrs pwk and full time

If DS is delayed extra nursery hours will bring him on much more than you taking him to soft plays.