For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

I think you are behaving in quite an entitled way to be honest.

Wanting to be there full time just because your child has potential ASD traits/ a social delay is unrealistic - do you think everybody is able to do this?

It is entirely possible to support a child with (what sounds like) low level additional needs and work more than two hours a week.

If you want more money then you will have to work more.

@OhPatti

Ah, Mumsnet. The place to be if you enjoy being vilified and painted as a lazy sponger for saying you want to give your child, and your child's developmental issues, your full time and attention.

OP has been honest and hasn't glossed over her own shortcomings in all of this, but it's interesting to see how many posters are choosing to ignore what she has posted about wanting to give her very young DS her full attention, and the reasons for that. Ditto the anxiety she is battling. Ditto the lack of help from her DH.

There are some really nasty, judgemental, one-size-fits-all responses on this thread. Some, I suspect, posted by people who haven't experienced any of the issues the OP is up against.

The anxiety op mentioned was 'driving places she doesn't know and busy places' but she doesn't have anxiety getting public transport, going to soft play etc etc? It doesn't sound like her anxiety is particularly extreme and lots of people have anxiety but live within their means and get on with it (myself included, some things make me very anxious and I push myself to do them because otherwise I'll never improve!) and the other issues she mentioned was that she 'might' have adhd and her child 'might' be autistic...

It’s also entirely possible that a good nursery will help a lot with the issues you describe - even if they can’t be resolved as such, a nursery setting will help with social development.

It's obvious where your money is going and I'd say you have a major DP issue. He's a bit of a cheeky fecker spending money on lunches/keeping a financed car, but then expecting family to bail him out when it failed the MOT. Very very entitled attitude.

Can't you get rid of your car and keep DPs one, if he's so fussed about keeping the better car?

2 hours a week is nothing. Can't you see about your DS doing a couple of longer days at nursery; and working a couple of full days instead?

You could easily be well off. Your rent is shockingly low compared to your income. I paid that in rent 16 years ago!!

YABU.

I'd also love to not have to work full time. Alas, I do, most of my money goes on rent bills food etc too with little left over. No benefits claimed.

Think it's unreasonable to expect other taxpayers to fund you not wanting to work if you are otherwise capable.

Ok, I say this with all the love in the world as someone who also has super severe ADHD - yeah, you’re being totally unreasonable.

I was in a similar state in my mid-twenties. Debt, dole and sod-all impulse control. That was ok - the only person who it impacted on was me.

You have a kid - for his sake, you need to sort yourself out.

1. Get the diagnosis so you can take the meds (life gets so much clearer and easier to navigate).
2. Use all the organisation tools - I like a monthly and weekly schedule on my fridge door and the Habitica app.
3. Stop buying snacks and food - you work 2 hours a week, for goodness sake, you’re well out of your means. Your other half doesn’t want bread? Make him soup, then.
4. Join MoneySavingExpert and get help from the community there to make a plan to pay off your debt. They’re ace and everyone is in much the same boat. You know what ADHD gives you? Hyperfocus. Use it to obsess over how to pay it all off so that you aren’t always worrying about money.
5. Wake up! This isn’t a role playing game, this is real life. You get a single shot at this, woman. Sort your head out, stop wasting money on stupid things and start working out how to get out of this hole, with or without your OH’s help. That will include working more than 2 hours a week.

PS: A decade later and I have a decent career, no debt and a home I own with my other half. It can be done, so no excuses.

Tough love over! You’re obviously doing your best in a really difficult situation - start being sensible and you’ll never look back.

A lot of responses….

So I used to work 16 hours when I came off maternity so it’s not like I’m work shy or not used to working. It was stressful though as I felt I wasn’t getting support around the house and DH and I argued constantly. I’m happy to work 10 or 16 hours a week again but I don’t feel emotionally able to do 30. I’m not looking for sympathy, just being honest.

And yes I need to be more frugal

This situation needs to be fixed, and some of you could make a start on fixing that by getting the fuck over the idea that everyone needs to seek waged work, however pointless, over caring for their dependents , making art or any other way they might choose to spend time.

I don't believe that it's a good societal set up that everyone needs to seek pointless waged work in order not to starve. I don't believe anyone on this thread does, either. But it is nonetheless the world we live in. I lived in poverty for years and years because if I hadn't gone out to work - when I was seriously mentally ill - I would have starved. What good were my principles then? I couldn't eat them. I vote, continuously, for a party that's pushing for universal basic income. I extol the values of such a system to others in an appropriate way. But none of that changes the system that we currently have.

You can believe that a different world would be better whilst also pointing out that the actual world doesn't work like that and that as a participant in the actual world, the OP needs to do XYZ. That's more useful than telling her that she should be able to live in a better world because she's a mum.

@Wazza89

A lot of responses….

So I used to work 16 hours when I came off maternity so it’s not like I’m work shy or not used to working. It was stressful though as I felt I wasn’t getting support around the house and DH and I argued constantly. I’m happy to work 10 or 16 hours a week again but I don’t feel emotionally able to do 30. I’m not looking for sympathy, just being honest.

And yes I need to be more frugal

That's great see if you can get those 10/16 hours it'll help your finances so much.

When my DC were young my DH worked 9-5 and I worked weekend nightshifts/dayshifts as an agency nurse in nursing homes.

It was the only way to afford the lifestyle we wanted and be at home for our children, particularly as my son has ASD.

You just have to make the most of the holidays.

So I used to work 16 hours when I came off maternity so it’s not like I’m work shy or not used to working

16 hours per week is a lot less than most people work!

@Wazza89

A lot of responses….

So I used to work 16 hours when I came off maternity so it’s not like I’m work shy or not used to working. It was stressful though as I felt I wasn’t getting support around the house and DH and I argued constantly. I’m happy to work 10 or 16 hours a week again but I don’t feel emotionally able to do 30. I’m not looking for sympathy, just being honest.

And yes I need to be more frugal

Emotionally, I don't feel like working my 20 hours a week, but unfortunately I do have to actually pay for that child I created

You can get help with childcare if you are universal credit. You both need to sort out and stick to a budget. It is hard working and having kids. There is no doubt about it, but you cannot continue as you are.

@Wazza89

A lot of responses….

So I used to work 16 hours when I came off maternity so it’s not like I’m work shy or not used to working. It was stressful though as I felt I wasn’t getting support around the house and DH and I argued constantly. I’m happy to work 10 or 16 hours a week again but I don’t feel emotionally able to do 30. I’m not looking for sympathy, just being honest.

And yes I need to be more frugal

Having read this update, it confirms that your DH is a huge part of this issue.

He needs to man up and help more with his child and around the house.

Or, in all honesty, you'd be better off on your own..financially and emotionally

I can't quite believe that you choose to work 2 hours a week and live off benefits. It's made worse by buying TVs and air fryers whilst getting benefits. Just work like everyone else does.

don’t feel emotionally able to do 30.

Bad luck. If you need the money then earn it.

I don't think not "being emotionally ready" should stop you from working part time.

I'm not emotionally ready, I'd love to stay at home but it not financially viable or responsible. At some point universal credit will expect you to start working.

Why is the OP getting benefits? She isn't on maternity leave, jobseeking, or disabled. She isn't unable to work. She doesn't look after a child full-time - she's using 15 hours a week of free childcare.

Why aren't we all paid to stay home with our children? Why are some people paid to not work?

I've always voted Labour but completely unable to grasp this.

@Wazza89

A lot of responses….

So I used to work 16 hours when I came off maternity so it’s not like I’m work shy or not used to working. It was stressful though as I felt I wasn’t getting support around the house and DH and I argued constantly. I’m happy to work 10 or 16 hours a week again but I don’t feel emotionally able to do 30. I’m not looking for sympathy, just being honest.

And yes I need to be more frugal

Wow, a whole 16 hours? How did you COPE?? That's like 2 full days out of 7!!

@Wazza89

A lot of responses….

So I used to work 16 hours when I came off maternity so it’s not like I’m work shy or not used to working. It was stressful though as I felt I wasn’t getting support around the house and DH and I argued constantly. I’m happy to work 10 or 16 hours a week again but I don’t feel emotionally able to do 30. I’m not looking for sympathy, just being honest.

And yes I need to be more frugal

Wow, 16 hours a week and still claimed some form of benefit to top it up I bet. You need to up your hours to 16 and if you still don't have enough money, up it again. Get your DH to pull his weight with your child.

@MarshmallowFondant believe it or not, I used to work in care often doing 50+ a week. I managed to pay off debts and saved 5k which went towards a wedding and a bond for the house we rent.

I’ve just struggled since having ds and came here looking for advice on time management and organisation. I’ve been very honest so is there any need?

Sorry OP I do think you are work shy, even 16 hours is nowhere near close what most people work when they have no dependents. Fair enough now you have your child and reduced hours may be more realistic for your family needs but 2 hours is pitiful. I think you’re hiding behind your mental health needs and son’s alleged health needs to justify not putting more graft in to provide for your family.

You and your husband need to agree on who is working what hours and who is doing what chores. Both of you need to be bringing the money in and spending quality time with your child as and when you can. Trucking along as you are clearly isn’t working.

I think being in rented accommodation with low income is part of it

I googled benefits calculators when I had my second dc to see if we would get any help if I stopped working (dh low income FT), and it was zero - switched from homeowner to rental and it gave me a figure.

@iguanadonna it’s available until ds turns 3.

@iguanadonna

Why is the OP getting benefits? She isn't on maternity leave, jobseeking, or disabled. She isn't unable to work. She doesn't look after a child full-time - she's using 15 hours a week of free childcare.

Why aren't we all paid to stay home with our children? Why are some people paid to not work?

I've always voted Labour but completely unable to grasp this.

Well, everyone would be 'paid to not work' if they were prepared to reduce their working hours and live off top up benefits.

Or not work at all and get benefits. And sanctions. And whatever else they do when you're out of work and relying on benefits these days.

If you want to do that there's nothing stopping you.

The reason most people don't want to is its next to impossible to meet ends meet and there's no pride in it. Well, personally speaking. I was out of work for a couple of years back when you'd get your giro posted to you and go cash it at the post office and it was soul destroying. I felt humiliated.

Most people prefer to work. The 'living it up on Our Tax Money' thing is a nasty little creation of the media.