For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

Wanting to care for your own child is an alien concept on mn

All good parents want to care for their own children. But we can’t havr what we want can we? Like it or not, want to or not, we have to work to provide for our children. And working is a way of caring for your child. Having a decent, steady income can give them opportunities they otherwise would miss out on. How else does one pay for educational day or school field trips? Pay for music/drama/tutor/anything lessons?

OP some more constructive things to think about now I'm over my initial feelings

Is soft play a safe place for you to take DS? It's probably easy to get to, has easy parking and you don't have to socialise with anyone? Try and challenge yourself to go to a cheaper play group/free group at a library. The tea/coffee at the playgroup is normally included as well! Get on Google maps, plan the right way to get there, the parking, look at it on street view. If you can't do this I really urge you need GP help for the anxiety. I understand, I have crippling social anxiety and it's taken a long time for me to try new places and DH still drives at the weekend for this reason but honestly you need to bite the bullet. The more you do it the easier it gets and you'll hopefully find new, cheaper places to go. You might even make some mummy friends that can then accompany you places.

Is the reason DH doesn't want to give up his car and subscriptions because he resents you being at home? Yes, being pretty much a SAHM (as long as 2 hours isn't a typo) is very hard work but I must admit when DH was part-time and I was full-time his lack of paid work used to make me feel resentful. When he bought things for himself I did sometimes feel like buying something out of spite/not cancelling the free subscription that was due to run out. I was shocked when I realised I felt this way and I didn't recognise how I was feeling for a long time! I think you really need to talk not just about debts but how he feels about you doing so few hours? Then once you've cleared the air sit down have a serious chat and get some debt management involved if you need to.

I know you want to give DS your full attention but if he's picking up on your anxiety and not really getting social interaction that's not going to help matters. If you can't get him to a local play group due to your anxiety, would a 2 or 3 days at nursery be beneficial for him whilst you either build your skills or do more hours? Also children can't make a mess when they aren't at home, so in general there is less cleaning those days to!

Good on you for being so honest. Have a look at money saving expert (Martin Lewis) there is lots of advice on his website about managing debt. Charities are out there as well that help with consolidating debt. Smaller things you could try are shopping in charity shops, selling clothes you don't need on depop/ebay etc., sell your air fryer if you don't need it/use it. I know having a car is useful but they are so expensive to run and maintain and if you don't like driving then I would sell it. For going to the supermarket it's useful but it's possible to take it on the bus/car share or get it delivered. Ask your mum if she has a flask you could borrow and take some coffee in that. If you batch cook/make food in advance it helps to organise meals then you won't need to get food out. Not sure what it's like in your area but there might be some baby groups that you can go to for free, libraries are great for that

Obviously, your DH has responsibilites too and don't feel like the debt is all your fault, for example let him know that he could always buy the same model car in the future, even if he's worked hard for it all is not lost if he gives it up for now. Or if he wants to keep it, then he could change something else like what he has for lunch.

I noticed you mentioned your mental health and your son's development, there's no harm in reaching out to healthcare/services about either or both of these.

Wanting to care for your own child is an alien concept on mn

There is more to caring for your children than being there physically all of the time. Caring for them also includes providing a home, food, clothes etc..... and unfortunately someone needs to work to do that.

@theleafandnotthetree

"I always do a thought exercise with my children 'what would happen if everyone did this?' What would happen if in every family where there was a child with any kind of issue whatsever, that one parent stayed at home and claimed benefits? How would that be funded? How would social solidarity of any type be maintained if some people were working their asses off, partly to help pay for it and getting to spend less time with THEIR children? Do you really believe that is fair or sustainable? "

Well, we would all live in a rather better world if people could choose how to spend their time and society accepted that looking after small children is WORK rather than a handful of super-wealthy people extracting money from the masses and forcing them to obey their owners in order not to starve.
Yes, some work is necessary - food needs to be produced, homes, roads, etc need to be maintained, and those who are unable to look after themselves need to be cared for. But most people want to 'work' in the sense of doing something productive with some of their time every day. It's just the case that a lot of the most essential work is either underpaid or expected to be done for no pay at all, while those who do it are often nagged and scolded and shamed for not spending more of their time obeying a boss and completing pointless tasks...

This situation needs to be fixed, and some of you could make a start on fixing that by getting the fuck over the idea that everyone needs to seek waged work, however pointless, over caring for their dependents , making art or any other way they might choose to spend time.

You both sound very irresponsible with money and your situation is bleak. You’re going to be digging yourselves further and further into debt until it becomes unmanageable. What about as your son gets older and more expensive? You need to hike up your big girl pants and quite frankly grow up a bit. You and your partner need to pool resources and sit down to work out your exact financial situation and set out a family budget with you both living within your means. Sorry but pissing about with ‘giving up bread’ and buying lunch every day is a joke when you have a young family and a low income. You and he need to get on the same page and be committed to improving things going forwards.

Abs you’re going to have to work more than two fucking hours a week even if the thought does ‘stress you out’ Sorry to be rude but there’s a child here who needs to be provided for by responsible adults.

Wanting to care for your own child is an alien concept on mn

I don't think many people want to go out to work for 40 hours a week. Sadly the reality is that bills have to be paid, school uniform bought and cars insured. If that can't be done on a part time wage then you need to either work more of spend less.

@SpinsForGin

Wanting to care for your own child is an alien concept on mn

There is more to caring for your children than being there physically all of the time. Caring for them also includes providing a home, food, clothes etc..... and unfortunately someone needs to work to do that.

Hear hear! People who act like they’re being fabulous parents by refusing to use good quality and funded childcare, all the while failing to provide the basic physical necessities for their child, blow my mind.

If you want to be able to afford soft play, meals out, getting your hair done etc then you need to earn more money.

If you don’t want to work more hours then you have to cut your cloth accordingly and accept you can’t do those things.

Very few people can have what they want and not work many hours.

@RegardingMary

Wanting to care for your own child is an alien concept on mn

I don't think many people want to go out to work for 40 hours a week. Sadly the reality is that bills have to be paid, school uniform bought and cars insured. If that can't be done on a part time wage then you need to either work more of spend less.

Exactly this!

Staying at home to look after your child is a luxury. If as a couple you're not earning enough to do that without claiming Benefits, it is a luxury you cannot afford.

Plus there is a huge difference between working 12, 16 , 20 or 25 hours a week, and working 2 hours a week and thinking you're hard done by.

@EmpressCixi

Wanting to care for your own child is an alien concept on mn

All good parents want to care for their own children. But we can’t havr what we want can we? Like it or not, want to or not, we have to work to provide for our children. And working is a way of caring for your child. Having a decent, steady income can give them opportunities they otherwise would miss out on. How else does one pay for educational day or school field trips? Pay for music/drama/tutor/anything lessons?

I agree so much with this. It's like when people argue that they think it's way more important to spend time playing with their child than to 'waste' precious time on housework or cooking. It's ALL important and earning a living for the family, keeping a nice home, doing things in the community, providing meals etc are all acts of love and care and good modelling, not just the obvious one on one time with children.

This situation needs to be fixed, and some of you could make a start on fixing that by getting the fuck over the idea that everyone needs to seek waged work, however pointless, over caring for their dependents , making art or any other way they might choose to spend time.

Oh, not another one of those starry eyed utopia cultists. Going on about “better worlds” where we can all do “what we want” and money doesn’t exist.

A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD

Actual OCD, diagnosed by a doctor? Or the colloquial 'I prefer tidy rooms' kind of OCD?

@Wreath21

Most people want to work so that they can earn money. To pay for things... like food and rent and because they feel a social responsibility to take care of their own family and by extension the rest of society by now scrounging.

I'm sure if they got offered the same for dicking about with a water colour pencil they'd be all for it.

"as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac"

With all due respect, if that's his preference why on earth aren't you buying what he'd like to eat? What if he decides he doesn't want to pay your share of the rent because you won't buy the food he wants to eat? Petty.

Plus there is a huge difference between working 12, 16 , 20 or 25 hours a week, and working 2 hours a week and thinking you're hard done by.

Definitely. Average FT hours is say 40 hours, OP is working 5% of that. Or 20 times less than full time. There’s a whole load of middle ground that’s being completely dismissed here. I didn’t want to work full time with a small child either. So I work 30 hours.

£700 for 8/9 hours work a month, YABVU

@Ploppy1322

£700 for 8/9 hours work a month, YABVU

£78ph

You work 2 hours a week and want more money, but don't want to work more hours... What planet are you living on?

If your OCD is preventing you working then speak to a GP and see if they can help.

It's like when people argue that they think it's way more important to spend time playing with their child than to 'waste' precious time on housework or cooking

@theleafandnotthetree I always suspect people use this as an excuse for feeding their children junk and living in a tip. Same as being a stay at home mother in some contexts is an excuse for not working and living off the state!

I work 6 hours a week, single parent and my income per month is £900. I can still save money, not a lot but some. Money Management is key! Quit the excuses, you don't need to treat yourself just because you have a bit of money or no money.

YABU

If you're claiming UC just because you "don't want" to work full time, then yes, obviously YABU. That's not what benefits are there for.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

It's like when people argue that they think it's way more important to spend time playing with their child than to 'waste' precious time on housework or cooking

@theleafandnotthetree I always suspect people use this as an excuse for feeding their children junk and living in a tip. Same as being a stay at home mother in some contexts is an excuse for not working and living off the state!

Well certainly a few I know have been in that category, I'd have had more respect for them if they had just admitted they were lazy rather than try and dress it up with some pedagogical bullshit.