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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never get house to myself and throughly fed up, anyone else

162 replies

velvet24 · 19/01/2022 10:09

Since the pandemic now work at home for the foreseeable future , I like it most of the time but my husband is also here too and its driving me crazy, the kids come and go with work and college but he is here all the time, and I just want to scream I WANT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF!!! Sometimes he goes out and I am so happy to enjoy my home with just me in it, but that rarely happens. He had to go out today and I thought great , pop some music on and clean but nopehe's back already after half an hour.

Our marriage is good but this constant being here together 24 7 is starting to grate on me, anyone else.....?????

OP posts:
headintheproverbial · 31/01/2022 08:34

I'm sitting here now as DH is doing the school run and enjoying a rare 20 minutes of silence and empty house!!

I agree with you - it's extremely wearing.

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 08:42

everyone needs and deserves time where they can do what they want even if it’s just laying on the sofa for a couple of hours binging a box set without having to make conversation or a bath in peace

Why can't you do this Hmm

If I want to do either of those things I just say that to DH and tell him I'd like some time for myself, no prob?

Seeline · 31/01/2022 08:49

I dont understand why you couldn't pop some music on and clean with him wfh?

Because he is working! Trying to concentrate, or on zoom calls all bloody day . He gets annoyed, and heaven knows what his colleagues would think of me singing along to everything!

Like there isn't really anything I would do in my house that I wouldn't do with DH there!!

It's not that. It's that fact that someone is always there and the loss of the ability to do what you want when you want. Silly things like letting them know when you go out (we always do - just manners I suppose), but takes the fun out of a spontaneous shopping trip etc. Not being able to have a random shower because he is working in the room next door and he can't hear his zoom calls over the noise.

I don't know any women who work from home who mind their husband being there working all the time too

I do - I have always worked from home since the DCs were small, 10 years or so. Part time. I had my routine. I've had to change everything - start time, lunch time, housework time. I have to work downstairs - during term time I get the dining room table as DH is in uni son's bedroom, holidays I'm on the sofa. DH has lunch earlier than me, but I have to stop earlier now because he makes so much noise getting his. The racket he makes just getting a cup of tea is unbelievable!

He gets plenty of alone time - I do the taxi service for the kids, the shopping and I have hobbies. He never leaves the house apart from an occasional half hour shop!! Recently he has had whole 2day breaks as I have been doing uni open days with overnight stays with DD.

Original poster
velvet24 · 31/01/2022 09:00

pop some music on an clean with him? lol are you kidding !!

OP posts:
OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 09:01

I think the problems many of you describe are DH problems not wfh problems

  • if your partner works in a separate room with door shut, normal volume music/tv/shower elsewhere in house shouldnt be a major interruption and they should be being decent about tolerating normal household noise if working from home
  • it shouldn't prevent you doing what you want when you what! I'm off every friday with our youngest and I don't tell DH every time we go out! He's working so I don't disturb him, he gives me the same courtesy when I'm working.
  • he shouldn't be coming bothering you asking where keys are etc when you are working
  • both home workers should get equal dibs over whatever the is the "optimal" working space. Taking turns.
Original poster
velvet24 · 31/01/2022 09:01

But its just not the same as having the house entirely to yourself is it...............

OP posts:
OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 09:02

What would he say if you put music on? Or is he working in your sitting room etc? Because that isnt on - if you have got a dining room or study etc where he can work there needs to be a desk in a bedroom, it's not fair to dominate communal areas.

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 09:05

I really dont get it but it's obviously just me!

I'm mostly really busy working or if not working have 2 year old at home so I literally don't notice DH at all except when he sometimes stops for lunch at same time as me.

He would never dream of interrupting me on a call or something.

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 09:06

The benefits of having him home far outweigh any disturbance - he'll chuck on a bit of washing etc, which he could never do when he was office based!

Original poster
velvet24 · 31/01/2022 09:08

@OfstedOffred

The benefits of having him home far outweigh any disturbance - he'll chuck on a bit of washing etc, which he could never do when he was office based!
ohhhh no i would hate that, i like to sort the washing and house stuff, maybe you don't get it, its having another 'body' in the house, nothing nicer than time alone in your own home, even if you are cleaning
OP posts:
SartresSoul · 31/01/2022 09:09

I feel bad for you. The lockdown last year destroyed my MH because everyone was here all of the time and I felt completely suffocated. Everyone needs time alone sometimes.

Original poster
velvet24 · 31/01/2022 09:10

Dh was sat opposite me , most of the day at the same table, I felt like I wanted punch him, and we normally have a great relationship!! He is now starting to spend some time in our shed building in the garden thank god

OP posts:
OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 09:13

Well I wouldn't ever get alone time anyway lol, I am either working or if I'm not at work the children are at home!

Millions of people dont have the luxury of being alone in a home during the day because they have to work, so I suppose that's why I dont understand having an expectation of it. But then I dont know any SAHP to be honest.

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 09:13

Op is he working in your shared living space (kitchen? Sitting room?) because that deffo isnt on.

Ariela · 31/01/2022 09:14

Why don't you research local places he could work from - there's quite a few set up around larger towns near us, so a variety of places , and suggest it'd be good for his mental health to work 1 day a week with others from there where he can take advantage of the bottomless coffee/continental breakfast included/onsite gym/cameraderie/networking with others/ use of super duper printing machine or whatever? And meanwhile you can clean the house/hoover by his workstation//play music/make noise / do things that annoy him while you work etc.

toconclude · 31/01/2022 09:14

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I think a man is a very big presence in a house, and affects the way a woman feels more so that the other way around.
Depends on the man. Nine's very low profile. I sometimes have to check the study to see if he's in (can't call as hard of hearing). He also loves long walks😁
ApolloandDaphne · 31/01/2022 09:14

I was like that at the start of lockdown but now I have got used to him being here and actually like it. What I am hating now is that my DM has been living with us for 3 weeks due to having a broken worst and I think I am going out of my mind. I need her to be gone before I unravel completely. She is just 'there' all of the goddamn time!!!!!! At least DH is in his home office most of the day.

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 09:20

ohhhh no i would hate that, i like to sort the washing and house stuff

shock

See now I've heard it all! I cannot imagine a universe where I reject DH doing his share of the housework. If I had to do it all myself after work I would literally never get to bed. Dh and I wfh has given us so much time back that we desperately needed, I'm going to really miss it if he has to return to the office.

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 09:20

To conclude mines like that. One day I thought he had gone to the office to collect something. Gave me a shock when he emerged at lunch time Grin

Ragwort · 31/01/2022 09:37

I totally agree with you, and my DH does at least go out at weekends, some evenings, we have separate bedrooms, another room with a tv in etc .... but he is retiring soon and I am dreading it! Fortunately he will 'do his own thing' but I made it very clear that just because he is retiring he should not expect me to 'entertain him' or just be available if he wants company. The idea of expecting to watch tv together every evening or 'snuggling on the sofa' would suffocate me ... so needy.

He does do at least 50% of the housework, shopping cooking etc and all the gardening & maintenance so unlike some of the useless DHs you read about on here he does pull his weight but I am another who just likes peace and quiet and time alone. He is actually away on a rare business trip tonight and I am ridiculously excited.

I can go to work as and when I please and sometimes I disappear early evening to work, no one else around, just to have time on my own Grin.

Original poster
velvet24 · 31/01/2022 10:08

Seperate bedrooms sounds bliss, we sleep in separate rooms sometimes as if he wants to stay up later watching tv or having beers I go to the spare room and its lovely. We watch tv together in the evenings but also watch separate stuff too in separate spaces. I just love the house to myself, maybe I'm selfish!

OP posts:
OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 10:49

Not selfish op but perhaps quite introverted and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe chat to your DH about it. If he is more extroverted and needs more time in the company of others he probably hasnt realised it is draining for you.

HelloFrostyMorning · 31/01/2022 10:54

@velvet24

Seperate bedrooms sounds bliss, we sleep in separate rooms sometimes as if he wants to stay up later watching tv or having beers I go to the spare room and its lovely. We watch tv together in the evenings but also watch separate stuff too in separate spaces. I just love the house to myself, maybe I'm selfish!
Just wondered...

If you feel it's bliss sleeping in separate bedrooms, and you do it when he has had beers/stayed up late, then why can't you just permanently move into the spare bedroom?

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 11:08

But...
If you prefer to sleep in the spare room
And
You dont enjoy his company during the day

why do you actually want to be married to him

HelloFrostyMorning · 31/01/2022 11:16

@OfstedOffred

But... If you prefer to sleep in the spare room And You dont enjoy his company during the day

why do you actually want to be married to him

For his income. He earns £75,000 a year, and it means I don't have to work. It means I get to lounge around the house all day, watching netflix marathons, and can hire a cleaner twice a week to do all the chores.

He needs to be out at work though, coz I can't stand his fat ass hanging around me all day, mithering and moaning and following me about. I don't even like him, he's boring and dull, shit at sex, and it's only his income that's keeping me with him.

That what you wanted to hear............ ? Wink