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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never get house to myself and throughly fed up, anyone else

162 replies

velvet24 · 19/01/2022 10:09

Since the pandemic now work at home for the foreseeable future , I like it most of the time but my husband is also here too and its driving me crazy, the kids come and go with work and college but he is here all the time, and I just want to scream I WANT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF!!! Sometimes he goes out and I am so happy to enjoy my home with just me in it, but that rarely happens. He had to go out today and I thought great , pop some music on and clean but nopehe's back already after half an hour.

Our marriage is good but this constant being here together 24 7 is starting to grate on me, anyone else.....?????

OP posts:
ElinoristhenewEnid · 25/01/2022 22:52

My late dh went off sick in1991 and retired in 1993 on health grounds. From then til he died in 2018 I very rarely had house to myself because he could not really go far without someone- gave up driving and poor mobility. I went back to work and I envied the time he had on his own.

Although I miss him I really appreciate having time on my own!

thecatsthecats · 25/01/2022 22:53

It's my husband's birthday today and he went out for the football for a few hours.

Bliss!

There's just no feeling like having the house to yourself. I wouldn't want it all that way, but too long without a breather of alone time and I start to feel crushed.

candycane222 · 25/01/2022 23:05

DH took his DM on a nice long weekend to the coast in the autumn. He was slightly surprised I didn't want to come. OH GOD BLISS. I did try to look pleased to see him when he returned.

We've both WFH for years but he used to go out for long, late days to meetings and sometimes overnight as well, at least once or twice a month. Now? Nada. Apparently every fucking meeting can happen on Zoom (where his webcam shows me trooping back and forth with my tea).

It's all right for him, I visit my elderly DM every month or so. Worse, he probably actually misses me.

Sometimes he follows me downstairs just to go on talking to me. He's a dear man but Oh My God.

CrabbyAggie · 25/01/2022 23:10

It’s not DH that’s the problem in my house. It’s the bloody kids! Oldest has been WFH since March 2020, middle two are now at Uni but living at home and only go in a few different days a week if that because most of its online.

I was a SAHM but now WFH as well. DH works out of the house but he generally has a day or two off during the week which before Covid, we would spend having lovely long sex sessions while the DC were at school, college or work as DC are up late and we always worried about making noise,

We still could (as long as I keep jumping out of bed to log onGrin- desk is in bedroom) but DC are always home so we can’t!

Bloody infuriating!

fizzypop100 · 25/01/2022 23:20

I started a thread about this a while ago and was called selfish.
I need DH to get back in the office at least one day a week. I want to sit in my home and not listen to work meetings etc. Some days I would like to ring his employer and say fuck off

Franticbutterfly · 25/01/2022 23:23

Yes. Sometimes I have a proper breakdown about it. You anbu. Thanks

Glowtastic · 25/01/2022 23:26

@Mykittensmittens

Agreed.

DH doesn’t mind how much I’m about and has no need for ‘alone’ time in the house but I’ve gone from home working alone before the pandemic, to the other extent of us both being here then on top of that periods of the kids here too - holidays, home schooling and separate stints of 10 days of Covid more than once.

As someone else said his presence is just bigger. He makes noise whereas I am such a quiet person. Constant brewing tea, teaspoons clanging on the side, dishwasher door slamming, doors slamming, whistling, asking for stuff and querying stuff. And his clonky boots. And listening to music on his phone which then phases in and out of my head as he moves round. Sometimes I just need quiet in my head, or to tidy something up and it stays that way for a while.

And above all else I feel like there is NO conversation left when we do get a meal out or whatever as we’re together 24/7 so there is no novelty of talking about each other’s ‘stuff’.

This is my life and it's driving me slowly mad. So noisy, overly loud sneezing, chuntering muttery singing, pacing about, 40 minutes pacing about before he does actually leave the house "have you seen my keys" "have you seen my hat/earphones/running gloves", feeling the need to tell me about whatever email he's just received. Kids in 3ish and all the clattering about. I'm a very quiet person who craves solitude. He also goes into long, boring, ranty monologues and far too much detail when he's recounting something. I was actually in tears today, BEGGING him to just try to summarise what he needs to say rather than talking at me. I no longer see my friends very often as I'm exhausted by his constant presence and never being alone. I work too and am out of the house at least 2 days a week, if not two. He never. Goes. Anywhere. Or if he does it's loads of bitty faffy little trips of half an hour or so rather than decent chunks of time.

He conversely is VERY chatty and sociable and with WFH he just doesn't have the outlet anymore and it's making him agitated. But he refuses to do anything about it. That said he's actually going away with mates this weekend leaving Thursday. I am buying a bottle of wine and celebrating!

dipdye · 25/01/2022 23:30

Yup. DH never goes out

dipdye · 25/01/2022 23:31

I was actually in tears today, BEGGING him to just try to summarise what he needs to say

^

Grin🍷🍷🍷 I feel your pain

gleegeek · 25/01/2022 23:31

YANBU at all! I have a chronic health condition that means I can't work but have been a sahm while dh goes out to work. Just as school runs/driving to after school activities lessened as dc got more independent, covid struck and dc and dh were at home! I didn't realise how much I love my peace and quiet and how vital it is to my wellbeing until we all ended up living together 24/7!
All my routines have gone out the window, exercise sessions are difficult as dh is working right in the middle of the house and the sound travels so much...I watch TV with subtitles so his colleagues can't hear it, I spend the day keeping the dog quiet, I'm fed up making lunches. I want friends to be able to visit but there's no possibility of private conversations!
Dh has no hobbies, I feel guilty sending him out to walk the dog on days I feel well enough to do it but just crave the 30mins peace and alone time! Dh may or may not get to go into the office 2 days a week from April...I am crossing everything it happensGrin

fizzyfood · 25/01/2022 23:31

My husband has been told he's going to be based permanently at home in 6 months time, I can't stand not having a bit of time to myself, he's already been working from home for almost 2 years.

Original poster
velvet24 · 26/01/2022 22:04

I did move into another room last week and he kept asking why was I doing that etc. I tried to explain I cant sit with you in the same room all day and work , its DRIVING ME MAD. He is being kicked out to his man cave aka shed some days as i cannot bear this .

OP posts:
KatherineofGaunt · 26/01/2022 22:13

My DH is a SAHD and I go out to work 3-4 days a week. He's very much a home bod and has anxieties about driving and staying alone at night. So I can count on one hand the number of times I've been in the house on my own longer than about half-an-hour (if he nips to the shop) in the past 5 years.

My maternity leave was spent with baby and DH. When I'm not working, I'm at home and DH is too. We rattle around together all the time and I don't see the situation changing any time soon. Those half-hour times when he goes to the shop or takes DS out for a walk or to the park are far and few between but bliss. It can be very hard.

Newmum738 · 26/01/2022 22:27

Yes! Love my husband and my son but wish DH could take DS out for half a day here and there. I take him out all the time and DH gets to enjoy a lie in and a laze around an empty house. I've told him but he isn't good at empathy! This week, they should be going to gymnastics on Sunday and I cannot wait to wake up and have the house all to myself!

ButtockUp · 26/01/2022 22:43

This thread is such the apotheosis to the current thread about a lady who has accepted a job but was then told that she'd have to go into an office for a few days a week but doesn't want to.

I'm just agog at the 'us and them' attitude.
Go back to the office if your employer says, but wait , I don't want to, I'm more productive at home as I can shlepp off to do school runs and put a meal in my Instapot .

There's been threads about no space to work and having to sit in a bedroom while partner is working, .. threads about children talking over while on a microphone, threads about being unable to share space.

However... if you cannot share your home with your beloved, then you need to think about your future.
When you're both retired ,how will you cope?

BrambleRoses · 27/01/2022 07:19

if you cannot share your home with your beloved, then you need to think about your future. When you're both retired ,how will you cope?*

I think a few posters have worried about this!

In a lot of cases it isn’t so much the husband being at home people mind, it’s the constant presence of his work. Mine was working until 9 in the lounge last night. Something I discovered when on maternity leave with DS was how lonely it is having someone there, but not there.

I also don’t plan to spend my retirement solely at home. It’s really bad for anyone to never leave the house and I am a bit worried that DH only ever leaves the house maybe twice a week. Usually at weekends, with me!

FindingMeno · 27/01/2022 07:21

I hear you.
No wfh but work hours change has meant there's always someone in.
Makes it hard to mop floors or give the loo a long soak in descale.
I miss a bit of quiet too.

pilates · 27/01/2022 07:23

I love having the house to myself too. I thought it was just me.

Idolovetrees · 27/01/2022 07:27

I think a man is a very big presence in a house, and affects the way a woman feels more so that the other way around

Ha ha, yes!

JustJam4Tea · 27/01/2022 07:35

I’m worried about retirement too. My husband used to travel regularly for work, and work really long hours. I traveled for work too, not as much, and would fairly regularly visit friends for weekend or go away with friends. Obviously that’s all stopped, he’s been at home…..

My way of dealing with it has been an allotment for me, getting a dog he loves walking, a house with a garden so I can garden (sit in the greenhouse with tea and radio 4), and encouraging him out to see his grown up kids.

“his expectation that I will cheerfully pause whatever I’m doing every time he wants something.” Oh, so much this. I’ve been known to lose signal when he’s rung up and I’m out and he’s looking to know where something is.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 27/01/2022 07:40

I love my DH dearly but I also love having time to myself.

I am actually counting the days until he goes away for a weekend in February. He leaves early Friday morning and comes back late Sunday evening. It will be bliss (both saying goodbye and welcoming him home).

I appreciate him more when he isn’t always around.

KohlaParasaurus · 27/01/2022 10:10

I can see retirement being a challenge but I'm quite skilled at logistical challenges Halo I think my poor DH would be completely bewildered if I said, "I love you and you're not at all annoying, but sometimes I just want the whole house all to myself for a little while."

Crikeyalmighty · 27/01/2022 10:31

I am surprised at the lack of mentioning on here of co working spaces. H and I work together in a business but I've never had us both working at home together for years, it simply didn't work and thats with no kids at home and lots of space. If you are saving money on commuting and live within easy reach of a city or even mid sized town then it's a great option , worth £200 a month of anyones money especially if not paying rail commuting costs etc. In our case made sense for me to leave every day as H needs lot of stuff around for his job plus a lot ofvideo/audio but could easily work the other way around too

Crikeyalmighty · 27/01/2022 10:34

Retirement is different because you aren't obligated to be around working , a lot of pensioners are miserable because neither have friends or interests and can't be arsed to make the effort

tiredanddangerous · 27/01/2022 10:36

Yanbu at all. I reacted to dh working from home by ditching being a sahm to get full time job. My marriage is never going to survive retirement.