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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never get house to myself and throughly fed up, anyone else

162 replies

velvet24 · 19/01/2022 10:09

Since the pandemic now work at home for the foreseeable future , I like it most of the time but my husband is also here too and its driving me crazy, the kids come and go with work and college but he is here all the time, and I just want to scream I WANT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF!!! Sometimes he goes out and I am so happy to enjoy my home with just me in it, but that rarely happens. He had to go out today and I thought great , pop some music on and clean but nopehe's back already after half an hour.

Our marriage is good but this constant being here together 24 7 is starting to grate on me, anyone else.....?????

OP posts:
RoRoYoYo · 27/01/2022 10:41

I crave time on my own. Today was supposed to be my first day in the house on my own since September. I have been so looking forward to it and had lots of plans. I happily left work last night feeling like I was about to go on a two week holiday and not just a day off. DS woke up in the night feeling poorly and is now off school Sad

Seeline · 27/01/2022 10:57

I won't have to tiptoe round the house when DH retires - I can have my music on full blast, practice my choir singing when I like, not have to worry about having a shower in the middle of the day because it's next to where he works, have friends over and have a chat, not have to time everything I do around when he is in zoom etc

Thirtytimesround · 27/01/2022 10:58

I hear you! DH is on calls allllll day and there is this constant rubble of his voice from above that I find very hard to tune out. Plus he has a tendency to suddenly pop down for a cuppa, interrupt whatever I’m doing so I stop and chat, then he comments on how much hard much work he has and mopes off. So. Irritating.

(He gets up 2 hrs after me, and goes to bed 2 hrs earlier than me, and takes every lie-in at weekend, and I do every child night waking but there is always this tinge of judgement that I have it so easy. I’d bloody love to sit down for hours at a laptop!!)

Original poster
velvet24 · 30/01/2022 16:05

How do people cope in retirement? Are they all miserable?

OP posts:
BrambleRoses · 30/01/2022 16:12

I think it depends, if both have hobbies and friends outside of the home then it works well.

But some people do equate love with never wanting to leave their partner alone for a second.

2old2beamum · 30/01/2022 16:27

MEEE! Have been stuck in house for 2 years with DH, vulnerable cancer treatment, and 4 with special needs classed as vulnerable. Today (excitement) drove to hospital with DD for covid test as she needs to have her pacemaker changed. I am fed up with PCR tests every time I go out to support my kids when they go to hospital. Just to make it clear I know it is necessary but I MISS MY MATES.

watchtheglitterdustswirl · 30/01/2022 16:42

I totally get this!

I'm a SAHM now and thanks to the pandemic DH can work full time at home if he wants. He used to be in the office full time. There is no rush back to the office they are quite happy for them all to stay home permanently if they want. No, thank you!!

We've child at school and the other does three days at preschool. We've compromised, DH goes into the office two of the three days that the youngest is at preschool and does the other three at home. Means he's here for three mornings and bedtimes so extra time with the children for him, and three days where he doesn't have a commute and two days I have the house to myself.

As for what do I do, well nothing secret or exciting. I work one day on a volunteer role, totally flexible, so sometimes I do that in the evening when the children are in bed and then have a day free to myself so binge watch Netflix and read. The other I mostly use the time to clean the house and catch up with jobs but I do it in silence and without anyone under my feet. It is bliss. No one to interrupt me, no one to come in and start waffling on about things that I don't have headspace for, no one putting the tv on making a racket.

I crave alone time. I have two young children who need me for everything and I am a late diagnosed autistic adult. I need to have time on my own. I cannot bear being surrounded by people 24/7.

DH has his own time too, he just chooses to spend it outside of the house on his hobbies. Roughly the equivalent time wise as what I have. I don't begrudge him that, so he has had to learn not to begrudge me having some time on my own at home.

I don't think retirement will bother me as such (we're a long way off that anyway!) because I won't have very small people by that point needing me for every tiny little thing. By the time I retire our children will be in their thirties themselves. Plus I will spend time cultivating and encouraging outside hobbies for DH in the intervening years Grin

watchtheglitterdustswirl · 30/01/2022 16:44

@velvet24

How do people cope in retirement? Are they all miserable?
My MIL keeps my FIL very busy with a list of house and garden jobs and has spent years allowing him time to build a very impressive man shed in the garden, complete with a tv, fridge and heater as well as all the tools he needs to complete said list of jobs.

She's a savvy woman!

Cstring · 30/01/2022 16:50

Who is WFH? You, him or both? It is very claustrophobic, but no one has more ‘right’ to be in the house alone more than the other party. maybe you need to give each other some space?

Countytee · 30/01/2022 16:52

Ask for what you need.
Also schedule things to get some space in the house. Eg if yiu menu plan and cook, send him to shops.
All about balance.
I would hate not being able to ask for space in the house. I have adhd and lose my train of thought if people are near me when I cook, organise etc.
At the mo am in bed with snoozind dog and a glass of wine.
Its worth working something out , is normal for many to want space and can be very good for you. I do return the favour .

AnneElliott · 30/01/2022 19:01

I get you op. We both wfh at the moment and for a while we shared an office. However I had to move into the dining room as he would just keep shouting down the phone!

And even now weee in separate rooms he comes and stands next to me when he wants something - even if I'm on a call. I have to keep saying write a note if it's urgent or wait if it's not.

and yes to talking AT me. He doesn't get the difference even though I've tried to explain it. He also likes an audience when he's getting ready to leave - can't find car keys, or iPad or any other of the stuff he carries around. He gets loads of time alone at home as I've got a busy social life but he just won't reciprocate.

HelloFrostyMorning · 31/01/2022 00:22

I see a lot of men these days, wanting to be around the home all the time, wanting to dominate the home, and refusing to go out without their wife... YET the women are wanting their own space and getting irked by their man being stuck underfoot, getting in the way, and being loud and intrusive. A lot of women want time away from their man. But the men think being together 24/7 is just brilliant. How do they not find it as suffocating as us women?

HE wants to be with her all the time, yet SHE seems to want more time AWAY from him. Men used to hardly ever be around. When did this trend shift?

My DH (born mid 1960s,) is the same. Wants to be with me all the time, never goes out without me, follows me around the house, hangs around in the kitchen whilst I am trying to cook, keeps chatting when I'm trying to concentrate on something, and rings me constantly when I am out (what's for tea? whatcha doin? what time will you be home etc???)

WHY are men like this ??? My dad and uncles and all the men I knew born pre mid-1940s weren't like this. They had jobs/careers, and hobbies and friends, and were away from the house most of the time. They'd be there enough to be part of the family, teach the kids to swim/cycle/drive, help with homework, play footy, go for a walk etc...

But they didn't hang round the house like a fart, constantly asking questions, following their wife around from room to room, talking loudly on the phone, letting their work dominate every aspect of the house and family life, and they didn't possess zero friends.

My dad and his generation of men (and those before them) regularly went out with friends, and had several outside hobbies, and a membership of the bowling club or social club or fishing club. They didn't refuse to leave the house unless their wife did.

WTF has happened to men? Confused

Buttermuffin · 31/01/2022 06:20

Oh yes. DH is begrudgingly returning to the office next week. He told me yesterday and it was all I could do to stop myself pinning him down and forcing exact dates out of himGrin.

I've worked in the office twice a week all the way through, so he's had loads of time alone. He hasn't so he is always here. Always.

It's particularly annoying when he insists on taking calls in the kitchen so I can't make lunch or put the kettle on. Or decides he will come upstairs and start talking to me despite the fact I am working..Confused

I can't wait.

Bumtum126 · 31/01/2022 06:55

WTF has happened to men? confused

I don't recognize this , how many men do you know like this ?

DoctorSnortles · 31/01/2022 07:01

Mine is going into work today for the first time in two years (has been WFH). It’s my day off. I am ecstatic!

RedBonnet · 31/01/2022 07:11

Even before covid my hubby stayed in, drives me mad. He sits on the sofa watching sport or crappy sit come, all day long. Never moves or does anything. I am an active person and I hate staying in. So I do everything I want on my own.

And I never get the house to myself.

And am I the only one who can't do housework with him just sitting there? No idea why

RedBonnet · 31/01/2022 07:12

Sitcoms that should be

MumUndone · 31/01/2022 07:18

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I think a man is a very big presence in a house, and affects the way a woman feels more so that the other way around.
Hmm
Lanique · 31/01/2022 07:57

@Bumtum126

WTF has happened to men? confused

I don't recognize this , how many men do you know like this ?

Exactly! My Dh (who has WOTH throughout the pandemic, thank goodness), comes home, showers and then disappears off to bed for an hour of alone time on his phone watching stupid videos, answering emails, making phone calls etc. He has many sporting hobbies and has several 'boys trips' away this year. In fact it seems to be me that's the needy one, asking him to come down to the kitchen to talk at the end of the day, and suggesting nights out together! I've always considered myself to be fiercely independent and I LOVE my own space, so this thread has been an eye opener. And it's made me feel very grateful for my non-needy Dh, who I hadn't appreciated in that way until now.

Op I hear ya - YANBU. It would drive me crazy having Dh at home on my days off.

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 08:07

I don't understand this.when does your DH get the house to himself?

I dont understand why you couldn't pop some music on and clean with him wfh?

I expect he feels the same about you going out & giving him some space.

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 08:08

Like there isn't really anything I would do in my house that I wouldn't do with DH there!!

OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 08:11

I see a lot of men these days, wanting to be around the home all the time, wanting to dominate the home, and refusing to go out without their wife... YET the women are wanting their own space and getting irked by their man being stuck underfoot, getting in the way, and being loud and intrusive. A lot of women want time away from their man. But the men think being together 24/7 is just brilliant.

I don't actually think its about men vs women. I think it's about people who woh/have a job, vs those who don't. I don't know any women who work from home who mind their husband being there working all the time too? In fact they mostly love it as they get to see far more of their family.

Original poster
velvet24 · 31/01/2022 08:13

@OfstedOffred

Like there isn't really anything I would do in my house that I wouldn't do with DH there!!
Really, maybe you havent been married that long !
OP posts:
NoAprilFool · 31/01/2022 08:24

Hell yeah.
DH and I both need solitude and time alone.
Pre pandemic, he WFH once a week, I didn’t work on one of his office days, so we both got it.
Now, I’m back in the office 2 days a week, he’s still WFH, he gets time alone and I don’t. He’s so Covid anxious that it’s a struggle for him to go out at all.
I relish my commutes!!

GreenTeaMom · 31/01/2022 08:32

It’s posts like this that make me so glad that I’m single - after nearly 5 years I couldn’t imagine having to live with someone constantly under my feet like that so I really do feel for you 😩 I get the house 8am-4pm Monday to Friday whilst DD is at school and then in the evenings when she’s asleep and it is bliss, yet people have the cheek to ask if I ever get bored?! 🙄 no I bloody don’t is the answer to that! 😂 everyone needs and deserves time where they can do what they want even if it’s just laying on the sofa for a couple of hours binging a box set without having to make conversation or a bath in peace. I also agree with PP, if you have a garden and the money - build yourself a little outbuilding where you can get away and breathe when you need to! Xx