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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’d stay with your partner if you found out they were asexual

110 replies

morrisy · 18/01/2022 16:30

Confirmed by medical and psychosexual tests
You both found out it was simply impossible for them to feel sexual pleasure, sexual attraction or arousal, despite them loving you.

Worse even, the idea of having sex or sexual touch isn’t something they don’t mind but something they dread

OP posts:
heyitsthistle · 18/01/2022 16:31

I'm afraid we'd be deemed incompatible and I'd break it off. It'd be a shame, but I don't think I would compromise on that.

DeepDown12 · 18/01/2022 16:33

It would depend on how important sex is to me and how long we've been together as well as whether there are any children involved. I've been married for 9 years and we have a child so if DH now came to me and said he's asexual it would be a blow but I do think I'd be able to stay in our marriage. If we were at the beginning, before having a child - I wouldn't.

If you are in this situation, would an open relationship be an option?

FindingMeno · 18/01/2022 16:34

I would.

Sparkai · 18/01/2022 16:37

I'm afraid I couldn't. I have been in a relationship where my needs weren't met in terms of the levels of affection, both physical and verbal, along with very infrequent sex and desire. Despite him being a generally lovely bloke, and us getting on very well, the relationship killed my self esteem and I felt very lonely for a long time before I left.

Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 16:37

@DeepDown12

It would depend on how important sex is to me and how long we've been together as well as whether there are any children involved. I've been married for 9 years and we have a child so if DH now came to me and said he's asexual it would be a blow but I do think I'd be able to stay in our marriage. If we were at the beginning, before having a child - I wouldn't.

If you are in this situation, would an open relationship be an option?

Thank you for your reply In this specific situation, sexual partner doesn’t want an open relationship and doesn’t want to leave asexual partner. Sexual partner said they thought long about it but asexual partner feels guilty of potentially ruining partner’s life and thinks they will build resentment overtime and feel miserable
OP posts:
Colourmeclear · 18/01/2022 16:38

Yes I probably would but we have been together a very long time and was sexless for a good proportion of them at my request. With someone new I guess I would question it, but as long as they weren't judgemental about my sexuality then it could work. Sex isn't very high up on my list of needs so for another individual it could be a complete deal breaker and that's fine. There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone's priorities and needs are different.

housemaus · 18/01/2022 16:40

No.

Sex is part of a relationship for me.

Obviously, you can't guarantee you'll both want sex forever or consistently at a particular time (illness, injury, etc) - I could find out in 10 years DH never wanted to have sex again and I'm sure that would give me more pause/wouldn't be an immediate divorce.

But if I knew it was always 100% off the table as by design, rather than a change in circumstance, that would be a dealbreaker.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 18/01/2022 16:41

Nope. I struggle with emotional connections so I want a physical connection in my marriage. I'd also be angry that it had taken them so long to be honest. Consent is important me due to my own experience and I'd feel disgusted with myself/furious with them for lying about their feelings for so long.

Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 16:43

@Dinosauratemydaffodils

Nope. I struggle with emotional connections so I want a physical connection in my marriage. I'd also be angry that it had taken them so long to be honest. Consent is important me due to my own experience and I'd feel disgusted with myself/furious with them for lying about their feelings for so long.
Yes that’s fair enough
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/01/2022 16:44

Was there ever a time when this person was sexually involved with their partner?

I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt dread at sexual contact. I'd find it hard not to take that personally.

GreetingsAndSalutations · 18/01/2022 16:44

I couldn’t have a relationship with someone I wasn’t able to have sex/any sexual intimacy with at all especially as it was something that repulsed them. If I still really liked them I would want to remain friends.

IWillFindYou · 18/01/2022 16:47

Yees, I absolutely would stay.
It would be a dream come true to find another ace!

I also don’t like to be touched, so all good I’d say!

But can I ask how do the confirm someone’s asexuality?
I mean how could anyone confirm anyone is straigh, gay, lesbian, bi/pan or asexual?
That doesn’t make sense….

housemaus · 18/01/2022 16:48

Sexual partner doesn’t want an open relationship and doesn’t want to leave asexual partner. Sexual partner said they thought long about it but asexual partner feels guilty of potentially ruining partner’s life and thinks they will build resentment overtime and feel miserable

SP is capable of making their own decisions. They might change with time, they might not, but AP has to let them decide for themselves what they want - catastrophising by assuming the worst based off other people's situation (when this is so nuanced and depends so much on the SP's own sex drive, what value they place on sex etc) is just going to send AP mad and removes agency from SP. Also, it creates a dynamic where AP is feeling guilt for something that is not their 'fault' - it's just a fact, and creating a dynamic of guilt or blame isn't healthy. SP makes their own decisions, and they have all the information required to do that right now: it's not AP's responsiblity or right to shield another adult from that, and they need to learn to be okay with it (and themself).

AP has been honest about what they bring to the relationship. SP has made a choice based on that info. Like all relationships, over time, people's needs and wants might change - that's natural. But that could be the case about anything from veganism to politics and affect the relationship when your values or needs no longer align - it doesn't mean nobody should ever be in a relationship in case they change their mind in future.

Both parties should learn excellent, excellent communication (possibly with external help) about how to talk about needs, values, wants in the relationship and ensure they're being met in a way that suits you both - this boils down to just that: how do we meet each other's needs? SP is saying this isn't a 'need' right now, so concentrate on what is and building the relationship, rather than worrying about a lack of something.

Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 16:51

@HollowTalk

Was there ever a time when this person was sexually involved with their partner?

I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt dread at sexual contact. I'd find it hard not to take that personally.

Said person was involved with their partner sexually to fulfil their needs, felt uncomfortable with sex from the start however but tried to bear with it until it became so unbearable the person couldn’t physically do penetrative sex anymore.

They were both sexually inactive before meeting each other. Asexual person didn’t know there was a difference between liking someone and being sexually attracted to them, thought they couldn’t feel anything sexually before having had sex with someone.

Took months of back and forth, gynaecologist appointments, therapy, blood tests to come to that conclusion

OP posts:
Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 16:52

@housemaus

Sexual partner doesn’t want an open relationship and doesn’t want to leave asexual partner. Sexual partner said they thought long about it but asexual partner feels guilty of potentially ruining partner’s life and thinks they will build resentment overtime and feel miserable

SP is capable of making their own decisions. They might change with time, they might not, but AP has to let them decide for themselves what they want - catastrophising by assuming the worst based off other people's situation (when this is so nuanced and depends so much on the SP's own sex drive, what value they place on sex etc) is just going to send AP mad and removes agency from SP. Also, it creates a dynamic where AP is feeling guilt for something that is not their 'fault' - it's just a fact, and creating a dynamic of guilt or blame isn't healthy. SP makes their own decisions, and they have all the information required to do that right now: it's not AP's responsiblity or right to shield another adult from that, and they need to learn to be okay with it (and themself).

AP has been honest about what they bring to the relationship. SP has made a choice based on that info. Like all relationships, over time, people's needs and wants might change - that's natural. But that could be the case about anything from veganism to politics and affect the relationship when your values or needs no longer align - it doesn't mean nobody should ever be in a relationship in case they change their mind in future.

Both parties should learn excellent, excellent communication (possibly with external help) about how to talk about needs, values, wants in the relationship and ensure they're being met in a way that suits you both - this boils down to just that: how do we meet each other's needs? SP is saying this isn't a 'need' right now, so concentrate on what is and building the relationship, rather than worrying about a lack of something.

Thank you for the great insight. You’re spot on
OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 18/01/2022 16:54

Yes I’d prefer it 😂.

APileofLogs · 18/01/2022 16:58

I completely agree with @housemaus. AP should listen to SP and respect their point of view. I don’t know which you are in this scenario, OP, so don’t want to offend you, but I think AP should have more faith in SP. I’d be gutted if I were SP and my partner doubted me like that.

Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 16:59

@IWillFindYou

Yees, I absolutely would stay. It would be a dream come true to find another ace!

I also don’t like to be touched, so all good I’d say!

But can I ask how do the confirm someone’s asexuality?
I mean how could anyone confirm anyone is straigh, gay, lesbian, bi/pan or asexual?
That doesn’t make sense….

First diagnosed with a condition that makes penetrative sex very hard. First told the cause of that condition was a sexual dysfunction AP had to get tests done physically, as well as check for hormonal imbalance Ruled out any psychological trauma Psychosexual therapy
OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 18/01/2022 17:04

No I wouldn’t

Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 17:08

@APileofLogs

I completely agree with *@housemaus*. AP should listen to SP and respect their point of view. I don’t know which you are in this scenario, OP, so don’t want to offend you, but I think AP should have more faith in SP. I’d be gutted if I were SP and my partner doubted me like that.
You are right, it is admittedly hurtful for SP. And SP’s view on sex is that it is one of the most, if not the most important aspect of a relationship. But doesn’t want to leave AP as they love them and have wanted to get married for a long time.
OP posts:
Cheeseplantboots · 18/01/2022 17:11

Yes I’d stay with my partner 100% if I loved them. Sex isn’t the be all and end all for me. I wouldn’t leave someone just because of that.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 18/01/2022 17:14

I can’t imagine being in a relationship long enough to refer to them as a partner but not long enough that this hadn’t already been an issue tbh? Sex for the first six months (at least) of a relationship is such a fundamental part of being together I would have already broken up the relationship if it wasn’t happening very often.

I don’t mean this to sound mean or harsh, but honestly if the sex had always been extremely infrequent and unsatisfactory then I can’t imagine it continuing. It feels like a lost cause unless the not-asexual person thinks they can live without that for the rest of their life.

Having said that - AP shouldn’t force a split. That’s unfair. SP is presumably an adult.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 18/01/2022 17:14

…who can make up their own mind.

Sorry cut my own sentence off there!

TheCanyon · 18/01/2022 17:16

Absolutely no. Never in a million years.

AngelinaFibres · 18/01/2022 17:19

@morrisy

Confirmed by medical and psychosexual tests You both found out it was simply impossible for them to feel sexual pleasure, sexual attraction or arousal, despite them loving you.

Worse even, the idea of having sex or sexual touch isn’t something they don’t mind but something they dread

Now that I have been through the menopause it would be fine. As long as hugging, snuggling in a non sexual way ( as they find anything sexual awful) was still possible. If touching skin in every single way was repulsive to them , then I would probably be quite unhappy .