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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’d stay with your partner if you found out they were asexual

110 replies

morrisy · 18/01/2022 16:30

Confirmed by medical and psychosexual tests
You both found out it was simply impossible for them to feel sexual pleasure, sexual attraction or arousal, despite them loving you.

Worse even, the idea of having sex or sexual touch isn’t something they don’t mind but something they dread

OP posts:
Freecuthbert · 18/01/2022 19:21

I'd be absolutely fine with this. But there is no right or wrong answer, everyone is different.

Soontobe60 · 18/01/2022 19:35

In this situation, two religious people who waited for marriage to have sex.
Sex for SP was good and they got it often at the beginning.
AP didn’t seem to ever take the initiative to ask for sex.
SP later realised AP never orgasmed.
AP became more and more reluctant to having sex and got to a point where they physically couldn’t

This sounds very concerning. Presumably the AP has always felt this way, and yet the SP has been having sex with them all along, without even noticing their partner not only wasn’t enjoying it but couldn’t orgasm.
Imagine someone posting about not wanting to have sex with their partner but him still expecting it despite her never orgasming. We’d all be crying rape!
Here, the AP has had all sorts of investigations to find out why they can’t / don’t want to have sex with someone and they’ve been told they are ‘asexual’. I can never think that I’d be able to have sex with a woman; should I go for investigations and therapy to determine why not? Should gay men go for therapy to see why they can’t have sex with women? This sounds all sorts of messed up.

housemaus · 18/01/2022 19:37

@APileofLogs

love without sex is just friendship, isn't it?

I’ve seen this posted on MN many times and I really don’t understand it. To me there’s an enormous difference between romantic love (with or without sex) and friendship.

Agreed. I want sex in a relationship and I wouldn't choose a relationship where it wasn't on the cards - but if I remove sex from the equation I don't feel about DH the way I feel about my closest friends. It's entirely different. A romantic relationship without sex can still be romantic.
Flowers500 · 18/01/2022 19:39

...it wouldn't have got to a second date

etaussi · 18/01/2022 19:40

I like sex, I also love my partner very much but they don't like sex

We cuddle, we kiss, we sleep cuddled up into a little sweaty mess, I can't really imagine life without our connection.

I do really miss sex, but I understand and don't resent oh, it's just how it is. We've been together for nearly 30 years

housemaus · 18/01/2022 19:43

@Soontobe60

*In this situation, two religious people who waited for marriage to have sex. Sex for SP was good and they got it often at the beginning. AP didn’t seem to ever take the initiative to ask for sex. SP later realised AP never orgasmed. AP became more and more reluctant to having sex and got to a point where they physically couldn’t*

This sounds very concerning. Presumably the AP has always felt this way, and yet the SP has been having sex with them all along, without even noticing their partner not only wasn’t enjoying it but couldn’t orgasm.
Imagine someone posting about not wanting to have sex with their partner but him still expecting it despite her never orgasming. We’d all be crying rape!
Here, the AP has had all sorts of investigations to find out why they can’t / don’t want to have sex with someone and they’ve been told they are ‘asexual’. I can never think that I’d be able to have sex with a woman; should I go for investigations and therapy to determine why not? Should gay men go for therapy to see why they can’t have sex with women? This sounds all sorts of messed up.

I'd hope that we've moved on from assuming being gay is some kind of disorder, so that wouldn't be the same comparison - loss of libido is absolutely sometimes a sign of a medical issue, physically or mentally, so there's still a good reason to go and have it investigated (if the person wants to - obviously forcing someone to is awful).
Soontobe60 · 18/01/2022 19:48

@housemaus

I saw no mention of this being a ‘loss of libido’.

JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue · 18/01/2022 19:55

Tbh I don’t understand how you could get into a long term relationship with someone without discussing this much earlier?

TheHateIsNotGood · 18/01/2022 20:05

Hmmm, having always categorized 'asexuality' as something more associated with 'plants' - irrespective of any sex drive, I've always thought that non-sexual relationships should have a place - why is it necessary to have sex with our closest 'partners'?

I didn't reach this conclusion by choice - many years of enforced solitude putting my son's needs first put paid to any sexual desires I
once strongly held.

Years later, looking at the possibilities of any sexual partners from the 'pool' available to my 59 year old self.

I think, that goodness I'm "Asexual" :)

Gasfire · 18/01/2022 20:13

Maybe some people can. But without sex, dh would just be like my other male mates. I'm not really a cuddly person and don't really get romance.

Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 20:37

Thank you everyone
Helps get new perspectives

OP posts:
Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 20:37

@TheHateIsNotGood

Hmmm, having always categorized 'asexuality' as something more associated with 'plants' - irrespective of any sex drive, I've always thought that non-sexual relationships should have a place - why is it necessary to have sex with our closest 'partners'?

I didn't reach this conclusion by choice - many years of enforced solitude putting my son's needs first put paid to any sexual desires I
once strongly held.

Years later, looking at the possibilities of any sexual partners from the 'pool' available to my 59 year old self.

I think, that goodness I'm "Asexual" :)

GrinGrinGrin
OP posts:
AutomaticMoon · 18/01/2022 20:40

I’m the asexual one but it’s due to cPTSD and hormonal deficiencies. My partner has stayed with me for many years now, I do feel guilty sometimes. I would stay if I had an asexual partner.

DontWantTheRivalry · 18/01/2022 20:43

I would stay with them - I’d be quite happy with a good (asexual) man by my side and a vibrator under my pillow Grin

JangolinaPitt · 18/01/2022 20:46

I hadn’t realised this was a thing until I recently met a couple like this. They stayed married but live entirely separate lives in the same house with their kids. They even moved countries together/separate. It seems incredibly sad to me.

PermanentTemporary · 18/01/2022 20:47

Sorry if you did another thread, sorry to just repeat myself.

I always wanted children but would have stayed i think with someone who wanted children but couldn't have them, as it would have been a loss we experienced together. I found it impossible to stay with someone who didn't want children as they didn't understand what I was feeling.

A bit the same with sex. If my partner were somehow unable to have sex but wanted to, I would find that easier to cope with than being with someone who did not have that element to their nature. And I think I would feel so terrible that I'd made them have sex that I would want to get away tbh.

Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 21:01

@PermanentTemporary

Sorry if you did another thread, sorry to just repeat myself.

I always wanted children but would have stayed i think with someone who wanted children but couldn't have them, as it would have been a loss we experienced together. I found it impossible to stay with someone who didn't want children as they didn't understand what I was feeling.

A bit the same with sex. If my partner were somehow unable to have sex but wanted to, I would find that easier to cope with than being with someone who did not have that element to their nature. And I think I would feel so terrible that I'd made them have sex that I would want to get away tbh.

Thank you for your feedback, I understand your point of view.

I didn’t make another thread about asexuality but I just found the one you were referring to from a few days ago, I’m surprised as it seems more commun than I thought

OP posts:
Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 21:02

@JangolinaPitt

I hadn’t realised this was a thing until I recently met a couple like this. They stayed married but live entirely separate lives in the same house with their kids. They even moved countries together/separate. It seems incredibly sad to me.
Thank you for your reply. What do you mean by they moved countries together/separate?
OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/01/2022 21:07

No chance. Staying would have to be opening up the relationship for a fwb. The one who doesn't insisting on the one that does being forced into not having sexual contact is selfish imk. The one who doesn't should find someone they're compatible with.

Emerald5hamrock · 18/01/2022 21:08

No.
I haven't had a great sex drive for ages now but I know it'll come back, knowing a partner will never be interested in sex wouldn't be for me.

NickiMinajerie · 18/01/2022 21:12

Not if there was no intimacy at all, no. I could live without penetrative sex but I couldn't live with never being touched, held, hugged, massaged.

Original poster
morrisy · 18/01/2022 21:13

@NickiMinajerie

Not if there was no intimacy at all, no. I could live without penetrative sex but I couldn't live with never being touched, held, hugged, massaged.
What if there’s hugs, cuddles, touch and massages but no foreplay, no sex and no French kissing for instance
OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 18/01/2022 21:23

I think it depends on whether the person can detach sexual intimacy from romantic intimacy and to what extent romantic intimacy is needed. I think I would want to stay with my partner even if sex was off the table but I would struggle if there wasn’t romantic intimacy - hugging, holding, being close physically, as this helps me to open up emotionally in communication. I do think these two things are different though. As pp has suggested it is not something for you to feel guilty about though. It is up to them to make the decision and you to be clear if they overstep and both of you to communicate. The only thing is I do think some men need the physical side in order to feel emotionally supported and so if your partner is male then this might be a difficult adjustment for them. Also if I was in this situation and struggling I would need to know that the marriage was as important to my partner as me and that they would go through the difficult times and my frustrations with me openly.

NickiMinajerie · 18/01/2022 21:23

I could live with that but only now, certainly not as a younger woman and even now, I expect I would want more than they could give e.g. hands
in which case you potentially have a pattern of rejection and resentment, the latter on both sides.

driftcompatible · 18/01/2022 21:49

Would be totally fine with it. I would rather sleep anyway.

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