To ask if you’d stay with your partner if you found out they were asexual

[morrisy]

Confirmed by medical and psychosexual tests
You both found out it was simply impossible for them to feel sexual pleasure, sexual attraction or arousal, despite them loving you.

Worse even, the idea of having sex or sexual touch isn’t something they don’t mind but something they dread

@Tal45

Does the AP like cuddling? What about kissing? I could do without sex but not cuddling.

I'm a bit shocked that it seems to have taken your OH a long time to realise you haven't orgasmed at all. (Sorry assuming you're the AP as it would be pretty obvious if a man hadn't orgasmed ever). Are you sure this is about being asexual and not just about your OH being shit in bed and not doing anything to make if feel good for you? and so you were trying to have sex without being the least turned on. Of course it was horrible and that has led to you being tense and started up a vicious circle where you expected it to be awful and so it is?

Certainly not disputing that asexuality exists but I'm just concerned that a poor experience of sex with only one person who is equally clueless about sex may have led you to believe you are asexual.

I do wonder about this, especially if you went straight to sex after marriage without any of the usual anticipatory steps (fooling around, etc). Particularly with a similarly inexperienced partner.

Do you ever get time alone to relax and see if you can turn yourself on?

No for me. Sex is what makes my relationship different from a friendship. I have best friends. I want more with my partner.

The problem is I don’t even feel aroused when I see pictures of naked people on tv for instance, they even make me very uncomfortable. I have never had the urge to have sex, have never felt sexual attraction, just thought it was the same as finding someone handsome.

I kissed someone else before I met my husband and even then felt nothing. Never understood when people talked about good and bad kissers.

I have tried but can’t turn myself on either. It literally feels numb.

I wish I could feel what others talk about and the deep connection that sex supposedly builds in a marriage but I can’t.

Sorry andweallsingalong and Tal45, meant to quote you

I would. Sex doesn’t fuss me anymore.

It's very individual, but in general terms being turned on at the sight of a naked body is often more of a male thing with women needing more tlc for arousal. Just a thought...

This is one of the reasons I have given up on the idea of having a relationship. Any form of penetration is painful. So single I will stay!

I wouldn't stay married. Friends, OK.

@APileofLogs

love without sex is just friendship, isn't it?

I’ve seen this posted on MN many times and I really don’t understand it. To me there’s an enormous difference between romantic love (with or without sex) and friendship.

I agree. It's so strange when people say this. And it's offensive to happily married couples that don't have sex for whatever reason.

No, I absolutely bloody love sex

Thank you for your reply. What do you mean by they moved countries together/separate?
I mean that the family moved countries for his job but in the arrangement of separate rooms/lives. The have children but only had sex in order to have the children as they both wanted them but had no other sexual contact.

I could only live in this situation if I wasn't sexually attractive to my asexual partner. But eventually I'd probably find myself attracted to someone else....

How the hell do get into a relationship with someone without knowing that they are aesexual sex repulsed though? I mean, either they made excuses for ages to avoid sex and went along along it? Or they had sex they didn't want...I which case they have bigger issues than asexuality.

I could perhaps continue to date someone who was asexual sex positive (didn't fancy ppl but enjoyed sex) but probably not someone sex neutral/repulsed.

I couldn't I'm afraid...hard as that might be, I'm a very sexual being and sex is something I love and couldn't live without, so I'd reluctantly have to call it a day.

I imagine my initial reaction would be to want to try, out of fear of losing DH. Then I think it would eventually get too much and I'd have to leave him before I ended up cheating.

First diagnosed with a condition that makes penetrative sex very hard.
First told the cause of that condition was a sexual dysfunction
AP had to get tests done physically, as well as check for hormonal imbalance
Ruled out any psychological trauma
Psychosexual therapy

@morrisy

But none of those things equal to asexuality.
You don’t need any of those to determine if one is asexual.
It’s just lack of sexual attraction.
That’s it.

I'd be surprised after nearly 20 years together. Don't know if I'd leave though. I'd expect some sort of compromise solution to be sought and found. If he just came out with it and said no more sex or anything resembling sex and wasn't willing to have a discussion and to at least try to reach a compromise then that would be a problem and I might consider leaving.

Well, you're describing part of my life, as I'm a trans widow. One of the list of things my ex dumped on me was "I don't feel romantic love for you any more. I think of you as a sister." I divorced my ex over that and all the other BS, because among other things, I already have my actual wonderful sisters and don't need any more.

Go get some hrt

I find it hard to see how you'd end up in such a situation. Without knowing the details, it must be as a result of as a huge lack of communication and denial for a long period of time.

I'd feel very sorry and concerned for the asexual person. Knowing from personal experience and friends, there are a lot of conditions that people try handle themselves, but it does not work out. They try hide things in the background, but what is really needed is professional expert help. That would include things like eating disorders, rape trauma, depression and so on.

I'd also feel very sorry for their partner (who is interested in sex). That must be an awful position for them. In their shoes I'd be wondering if I had been fooled or led astray in my hopes/expectations by my partner.

For me, if I was either partner, it would essentially be a huge libido mismatch, it would have a big negative on my life/mental state and I'd not be able to continue. I'd make that move asap.

I wouldn't have got with them in the first place. Surely there would be indicators early on. Lack of sex, passion, sexual intimacy etc. If something happened with my DH and the sex tapered off, I'd want to work through it but I wouldn't start something with an asexual person.

Absolutely not. But clearly plenty of people would, and there would be no harm in giving it a go.

Both parties should learn excellent, excellent communication (possibly with external help) about how to talk about needs, values, wants in the relationship and ensure they're being met in a way that suits you both - this boils down to just that: how do we meet each other's needs? SP is saying this isn't a 'need' right now, so concentrate on what is and building the relationship, rather than worrying about a lack of something.

I agree with this.

The SP has made a choice to stay despite not being able to have sex again with their spouse (AP). They don’t want to get their sexual needs fulfilled outside the marriage either, so they are actively choosing celibacy within marriage.

That may not be a choice I, or many others, would or could make, but it doesn’t make the choice SP is making wrong.

I’d look for couple’s counselling and go as frequently as needed. You both need to fully trust the choices you’re making and there’s no shame in needing help with that.

OP, I've not read the whole thread, but you have NEVER had an orgasm with your partner? And your partner NEVER knew? (I've been know to fake one, but that's different to NEVER).

Wow! That's difficult for you both.

Also, realistically I assume if you don't enjoy/try sex solo, then it will be a bit much to expect to do so with a partner.