To ask if you’d stay with your partner if you found out they were asexual

[morrisy]

Confirmed by medical and psychosexual tests
You both found out it was simply impossible for them to feel sexual pleasure, sexual attraction or arousal, despite them loving you.

Worse even, the idea of having sex or sexual touch isn’t something they don’t mind but something they dread

Nah

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

I can’t imagine being in a relationship long enough to refer to them as a partner but not long enough that this hadn’t already been an issue tbh? Sex for the first six months (at least) of a relationship is such a fundamental part of being together I would have already broken up the relationship if it wasn’t happening very often.

I don’t mean this to sound mean or harsh, but honestly if the sex had always been extremely infrequent and unsatisfactory then I can’t imagine it continuing. It feels like a lost cause unless the not-asexual person thinks they can live without that for the rest of their life.

Having said that - AP shouldn’t force a split. That’s unfair. SP is presumably an adult.

You’re right. In this situation, two religious people who waited for marriage to have sex. Sex for SP was good and they got it often at the beginning. AP didn’t seem to ever take the initiative to ask for sex. SP later realised AP never orgasmed. AP became more and more reluctant to having sex and got to a point where they physically couldn’t

Agreed, that would be too much

Nah I really enjoy sex and physical intimacy so for me it would be a deal breaker. Feels really harsh i know as love should be enough, but I also feel that life is short and its not something I'd want to compromise on.

Agreed, that’d be too much

No. And love without sex is just friendship, isn't it?

@Croissantly

Nah I really enjoy sex and physical intimacy so for me it would be a deal breaker. Feels really harsh i know as love should be enough, but I also feel that life is short and its not something I'd want to compromise on.

I don’t think that’s harsh, I think that’s fair enough

No. It wouldn’t work for me, if the boot was on the other foot then it wouldn’t work for him either. It’s not what we personally signed up for. I suppose we could explore the open relationship option but that most likely would be tricky lm guessing

@Gasfire

No. And love without sex is just friendship, isn't it?

Was about to say this. With no sexual feelings this would just be a friendship.

Does the AP like cuddling? What about kissing? I could do without sex but not cuddling.

I'm a bit shocked that it seems to have taken your OH a long time to realise you haven't orgasmed at all. (Sorry assuming you're the AP as it would be pretty obvious if a man hadn't orgasmed ever). Are you sure this is about being asexual and not just about your OH being shit in bed and not doing anything to make if feel good for you? and so you were trying to have sex without being the least turned on. Of course it was horrible and that has led to you being tense and started up a vicious circle where you expected it to be awful and so it is?

Certainly not disputing that asexuality exists but I'm just concerned that a poor experience of sex with only one person who is equally clueless about sex may have led you to believe you are asexual.

It would be a dealbreaker for me I'm afraid. I'd also not be able to look past them letting me thing they were happy with the situation. I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who didn't enjoy it.

If there is a partnership, and both people are on the same page, then it's great and should not really matter?

It's not as simple as sex or no sex. Some people would prefer more or less sex, or different sexual acts. Again, this is perfectly fine one the partner are aligned.

You'll sometimes see issues posted in relationships about premature ejaculation, or the one I read earlier today about a woman who's partner has never (not even solo) had an orgasm. These things would be OK for some people, not for others.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4455736-female-partner-has-never-had-an-orgasm-Im-female-too

It's complicated really! Partners need to figure out this as part of establishing the foundation of their relationship.

I wouldn't stay. I think the SP might be willing to put the sex aside for the moment because they're in love and think that will be enough. But for a lot of people, it's a very important part of the relationship and they could possibly change their mind down the line, which would end up in a world of hurt for both parties.

There was an interesting thread on here recently where a wife had decided she done with sex and gave her DH the blessing for an open relationship, which after years together, is something the SP in this situation might consider eventually. On that thread, it appeared that the DH was falling in love with his affair partner and would eventually leave.

I think if you're not interested in sex, it's probably difficult to understand how important sex in a loving relationship is for most people.

I couldn't- sex is important to my relationship. Plus I would be upset I had been lied to about my partner's sexuality

Yes I would if they were amazing in every other way and ok for cuddles when needed. I'd be fin with just self help for the other stuff 😬

They wouldn't be my partner if they were asexual as no relationship would develop without sex.
If they lost their sex drive at a later stage I'd want an open relationship. I wouldn't remain celibate.

Wouldn't make a difference to me. Sex is bonus not the prize

Would be a deal breaker for me (other than through illness/injury with a partner I had already spent many years with, shared children with etc). But as others have said, a relationship for me would not have developed as you've described - for me the physical side is essential from very early on - so I wouldn't want to generalise to SP from my perspective.

Thank you all for your input x greatly appreciated

I think (easy to say it!) the question/scenario would not have arisen for me. I'd have been much clearer early in the development of the relationship about what I liked, didn't like in the relationship, and sex being part of that.

There are so many stories on MN of mismatched sex drives. Add those cases together with large numbers abusive/awful men, and it explains a lot!

Don't developer a relationship where there are mismatched sex drives, and watch out for red flags! Lots of great advice on MN.

Yes I'd stay as sex is just sex to me. I don't feel unwanted, ugly, unloved, etc by the lack of it. It's just a physical act and that's it. Which I feel like you can have that with anyone. But the deep emotional connection/companionship/partnership/love is not something I could find with anyone else and I wouldn't be willing to give that up just for sex.

love without sex is just friendship, isn't it?

I’ve seen this posted on MN many times and I really don’t understand it. To me there’s an enormous difference between romantic love (with or without sex) and friendship.

DH and I haven’t had sex in years, probably about 10 times in total since DC2 was born (now 12). Not discussed, I think we are both quite happy. Might start again at some point I suppose but have no interest and it doesn’t bother me. We get on well I think so I assume if it bothered DH he’d have brought it up. I didn’t actually realise until Mumsnet that that was massively unusual.

I don’t think DH and I are just friends or house mates.

Sex is a huge part of our relationship so no. But I couldn't give up kisses and cuddles either as it really matters to me.