To ask if you’d stay with your partner if you found out they were asexual

[morrisy]

Confirmed by medical and psychosexual tests
You both found out it was simply impossible for them to feel sexual pleasure, sexual attraction or arousal, despite them loving you.

Worse even, the idea of having sex or sexual touch isn’t something they don’t mind but something they dread

You can most def not be like friends but not have sex. Romantic non sexual relarionships exist.

Both parties should learn excellent, excellent communication (possibly with external help) about how to talk about needs, values, wants in the relationship and ensure they're being met in a way that suits you both - this boils down to just that: how do we meet each other's needs? SP is saying this isn't a 'need' right now, so concentrate on what is and building the relationship, rather than worrying about a lack of something.

I agree with this.

The SP has made a choice to stay despite not being able to have sex again with their spouse (AP). They don’t want to get their sexual needs fulfilled outside the marriage either, so they are actively choosing celibacy within marriage.

That may not be a choice I, or many others, would or could make, but it doesn’t make the choice SP is making wrong.

I’d look for couple’s counselling and go as frequently as needed. You both need to fully trust the choices you’re making and there’s no shame in needing help with that.

Isin’t that a little bit dramatic?
It’s just sex.

I’d understand if you’d say to this to couple who are about to move in together, get married, have kids, join finances, hell even start dating…..!

But just because of sex?

@Shineyitem

You can most def not be like friends but not have sex. Romantic non sexual relarionships exist.

Yes!

There are some people out there who are capable of feeling romantic attraction/love.

And it has nothing to do with sex.

Genuinely, not trying to be a twat, but what's the difference between a close relationship without a sex and a romantic relationship? Maybe it's because I've never been in a non sexual relationship with anyone other than friends.

@SunshineInMyTea

Isin’t that a little bit dramatic?

For you maybe. For most (?) couples, sex is a really important part of their relationship.

Ah! I was ‘numb’ too until I tried a vibrator at 24. I got married at 17 and we had sex but I wasn’t really into it, sometimes it was even painful. I was sexually abused in foster care so maybe that’s why it feels numb or just nothing. I still can only orgasm with a vibrator but since I’ve been ill the past decade I kind of lost interest. Have you ever had a sex hormone panel done? Low testosterone can cause no libido/anorgasmia sometimes....

Just put it slightly differently, I think you have to trust and accept what your partner is telling you.

If he stays he is ok with it,then surely that is his choice to stay. Would you be ok of he did want an open relationship or is your fear that that may chance over time and you would get hurt in time?

I know someone who in her late 20s found out she couldn't have kids. Up to that point her then partner wanted them. He told her he wanted her more than children but she left him as she felt guilty he was preventing him for having them. Broke her heart but she guilt make her think it was the right thing to do. He since married someone else and then have no kids (don't know if by choice or otherwise). She really regrets not taking him at his word.

@SunshineInMyTea

Both parties should learn excellent, excellent communication (possibly with external help) about how to talk about needs, values, wants in the relationship and ensure they're being met in a way that suits you both - this boils down to just that: how do we meet each other's needs? SP is saying this isn't a 'need' right now, so concentrate on what is and building the relationship, rather than worrying about a lack of something.

I agree with this.

The SP has made a choice to stay despite not being able to have sex again with their spouse (AP). They don’t want to get their sexual needs fulfilled outside the marriage either, so they are actively choosing celibacy within marriage.

That may not be a choice I, or many others, would or could make, but it doesn’t make the choice SP is making wrong.

I’d look for couple’s counselling and go as frequently as needed. You both need to fully trust the choices you’re making and there’s no shame in needing help with that.

Isin’t that a little bit dramatic?
It’s just sex.

I’d understand if you’d say to this to couple who are about to move in together, get married, have kids, join finances, hell even start dating…..!

But just because of sex?

It's not "just sex" for lots of people though. It's a fundamental part of many people's relationships - that'd be like saying "it's just having shared values" or "it's just liking each other as a person", to me: it's that important and that much a part of my relationship (with DH and in the past).

Yeah, I guess I just can’t understand.

I would be ever grateful to find somebody who is capeble of love and wouldn’t force sex….

Never got anything important or of vqlue out of it.
It’s actually really miserable.

@SunshineInMyTea

Yeah, I guess I just can’t understand.

I would be ever grateful to find somebody who is capeble of love and wouldn’t force sex….

Never got anything important or of vqlue out of it.
It’s actually really miserable.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you've had some shit experiences :(

Just as it's fundamental and enjoyable to some people, it really isn't to others - the nicest, kindest man I know is asexual, they do exist out there. I hope you get the chance to be loved as you want to.