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AIBU?

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Original poster

Found bf looking up ex.

148 replies

trisha30 · 18/01/2022 14:53

A bit of background..I have been with boyfriend for 5 months. Iam 21 he is 23. Before me he had been in a very intense 5 yr relationship..they went through uni together.went travelling together and lived together.
He met me last summer and he was still with the ex but going through a rough patch. We worked together at the time and got close..Iam not proud of myself but I fell hard for him..I had never had a relationship before and he is just wonderful in every way.

His ex found out about us and threw him out..we got closer and had a wonderful 3 weeks together during which he said it was definitley over with ex and he wanted to be with me.
Ex got back in touch to talk..he ended up dumping me and getting back with ex telling me he still loved her. This lasted 2 days and he came back to me..ex found out and it was a big mess..they rowed and blocked each other on everything.

That was months ago and we have been togther and happy since. We even went on holiday togther a couple of montha ago. He is my world but I cant get the nagging feeling out of my head that he might still pine after ex.

I found out although he doesnt know I know..that he made a secret instagram account and has been looking up his exes profile every week since the break up. Looking at her pictures and all her recent postings I presume.
Why? I dont understand,,is this normal? One time it said he logged in to secret account at 1am!
Shall I confront him?

OP posts:
SmallPrawnEnergy · 18/01/2022 17:40

You’re not mature enough to be out of nappies never mind a relationship. Grow up, stop shagging blokes in relationships and raise your standards

Found bf looking up ex.
ChargingBuck · 18/01/2022 18:06

Go easy on the OP, people! She's 21 years old and in her first relationship! Remember 21?

Yeah, I remember.
At 21 I knew what lying & cheating were.
So does every 21 year old.

TheChip · 18/01/2022 18:07

She knew she was cheating

ToykotoLosAngeles · 18/01/2022 18:26

2. Most people look up their ex-partners on social media at some point, there have been threads on that too and everyone declared it normal behaviour 😬 when women do it. It isn’t healthy, but it doesn’t mean your relationship has no future. It does mean he has some feelings towards ex, but are they feelings of love? Or anger? Or nosiness? Or jealousy? Or habit? I can’t tell you and neither can anyone else on the internet.

Is it normal to go to the trouble of creating a brand new Instagram account to look them up, because they've been blocked on their normal one? How about no.

Returnoftheowl · 18/01/2022 18:30

How you get a man is also how you lose a man.

He's a cheat, who's flip flopped between the pair of you. I doubt he ended it with her, she kicked him out when she found out about the cheating.

lioncitygirl · 18/01/2022 18:57

You’re not really for a relationship. He’s not into you op - sorry.

Sunnytwobridges · 18/01/2022 19:01

Sometimes I've done this and it meant nothing. Just plain curiousity.
But most of the times it meant I wasn't over them.

AdultingInTheCountryside · 18/01/2022 19:07

I mean what do you expect after what you’ve done. He was taken and you got with him, sorry but this is karma. I also think this guy is a twat and you shouldn’t be with him.

Sn0tnose · 18/01/2022 19:38

@trisha30

I appreciate all the advice but I need to make it clear that he left her.. Not the other way around. So if he left her why would he want her back?
Who told you that he left her? Wouldn’t have been him by any chance, would it? 🙄

Don’t get too comfortable; she was not the last woman he’s ever going to cheat on.

Ludo19 · 18/01/2022 20:25

You got this guy via default. His girlfriend of 5yrs found out he was sniffing round you and chucked him out, hence he's with you as you've provided him with a bed.
Just finish with him and work on your own self esteem.

DrManhattan · 18/01/2022 20:43

He sounds like a dream. I wonder how long he kept you both on the go for? Bet he was gutted he couldn't keep his options open.

FlasherMcGruff · 18/01/2022 21:36

He sounds awful! Cheating repeatedly, secret accounts, checking her out sneakily when he’s with you…what does he need to do to get you to bin him?

MissNothing1991 · 18/01/2022 21:50

@trisha30

She didn't exactly kick him out.. They mutually agreed to have space and didn't speak for 3 weeks.. During which we became very close.. He was then going to tell her it was over completely but couldn't go through with it when he thought he wouldn't see her again. He realised his mistake though and came back to me.
He didn't realise his mistake or he wouldn't have went back to you. Hate to tell you but you were the mistake
sessell · 18/01/2022 21:52

I haven't read much of the thread, but I don't agree with the comments I have read. 2 observations

  1. why are you stalking his phone. Finding a secret account is more than a casual look. That's not healthy behaviour.
  2. he spent 5 years with his ex, she was a massive part of his life and they split up very recently. It would be odd not to care and still have some interest in the life of the person. Interest is not the same as action. My DH kept in touch with both his major exes. They stayed friends. He continued to care about them, while loving me. I never felt threatened at all. This is not exactly that, but it is another way of potentially looking at it.
Changeforthis79 · 18/01/2022 21:53

Run! You are 21? You have your whole life ahead of you...do not waste it pining for shitty blokes. There is so much more on offer for you!

MummaL32 · 18/01/2022 22:00

@trisha30 your not listening to any one's advise? Your asking for it but responding defending him, there is no nice way around this any many in a relationship looking up his ex is a red flag!!! Weather they left them or not if my husband was looking up his ex he would be out the door because I won't stand for that shit you DO not DO things like that when you are in a relationship you already have no trust maybe that's because of how you got together or maybe because your so young maybe both. But if you was my daughter and telling me this I'd be telling you to look yourself in the mirror and find someone better who doesn't mate you question and a relationship where you didn't get together by breaking up one. Cruel to be kind hun

@Merryoldgoat 😂 couldn't have wrote it better,

fleurpots · 18/01/2022 22:16

OP you need to stop trying to convince yourself this man is worth it. From the outside it is glaringly obvious that this is a sham of a relationship. You will see that when you get some distance.

If you leave now you will save yourself a lot of heartache.

snowcabin · 18/01/2022 22:28

OP the question for me is how did you find out about the fake account, and how are you keeping tabs on when he's logging in to search the ex?

The fact you've been keeping tabs on him and checking up on what he's doing definitely makes me think it can't all be 100% perfect except for him relentlessly looking at his ex (..as though that it itself isn't enough..).

BetsyBigNose · 18/01/2022 23:09

@trisha30

Does it mean he is interested in her though?
Yes. He is "interested" in her.

"If he loved her surely he wouldn't have left her for me?"

That's what he has told you. I imagine if you spoke to her, you would get an entirely different answer. So your question then becomes:

"Why is my boyfriend pining over his ex-girlfriend who dumped him after finding me shagging her man?"

Then ask yourself:

"Does my boyfriend pining over his ex-girlfriend prove that he loves me? Or is it more likely that he loves her?"

Honestly, and as kindly and gently as possible (as we have all been young and remember the power of your first love), this man is not yours, he is still pining after (virtually stalking) his ex-girlfriend of 5 years. Yes, he initially came to your door after you were first caught cheating together, but she threw him out and so he came to you; the second choice. Yes, they did reconcile for a short period, but it seems increasingly likely that she asked him to leave, after trying - and failing - to live with the huge deceit and disrespect you had both shown her.

Gather up your self-esteem and dignity and ask this man to leave. Block and delete. Yes, you will feel heartbroken for a while, but it will pass and will feel a hell of a lot less painful than the stress of living with this 'relationship'.

nalabae · 18/01/2022 23:34

Your situation won’t work out you’re wasting your time

MsDogLady · 19/01/2022 07:48

In my view:

From the very beginning, you both did your part to harm this innocent woman. His Ex is fortunate to have had the agency and good sense to wash her hands of him. She has the measure of you both.

This selfish, immature guy has weak boundaries, so he lapped up your worship. When his Partner discovered his infidelity, she insisted on space to process her feelings and to set a consequence for his disloyalty. He would have vowed to cut you off.

He decided to secretly have his fun with you for a while longer, but he never intended to leave or lose his long-time Love. When she called, he told you both that he loved her, and they decided to try again.

He’s a liar, so you have no idea what actually transpired before he approached you for more cake a few days later, but her crushed reaction after finding you two suggests her belief that they were still together /working on things. Busted and blocked, he sobbed at losing her for good. He had blown it.

Things are already going sideways, Trisha. He is already diminishing you with his duplicity. If he were truly over his Ex and fully emotionally available, he wouldn’t have opened a secret account to check on her and fantasize about her. In his heart of hearts, he can’t let go, and can’t believe he shattered their life together for illicit ego massages/sex. He is using your adoration to prop himself up, for now.

You don’t believe it, but you are sabotaging your life and emotional health by sticking with this utter Loser.

etaussi · 19/01/2022 08:41

What's the process for checking what time apps were accessed on Android or iPhone just out of interest?

girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 09:01

@etaussi

What's the process for checking what time apps were accessed on Android or iPhone just out of interest?
On iPhone, if you swipe to the screen with the news, weather etc widgets there's a section there called screen time which shows how much time you've spent on your phone and each app. If you click the app it shows what times you used it at.
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