Found bf looking up ex.

[trisha30]

A bit of background..I have been with boyfriend for 5 months. Iam 21 he is 23. Before me he had been in a very intense 5 yr relationship..they went through uni together.went travelling together and lived together.
He met me last summer and he was still with the ex but going through a rough patch. We worked together at the time and got close..Iam not proud of myself but I fell hard for him..I had never had a relationship before and he is just wonderful in every way.

His ex found out about us and threw him out..we got closer and had a wonderful 3 weeks together during which he said it was definitley over with ex and he wanted to be with me.
Ex got back in touch to talk..he ended up dumping me and getting back with ex telling me he still loved her. This lasted 2 days and he came back to me..ex found out and it was a big mess..they rowed and blocked each other on everything.

That was months ago and we have been togther and happy since. We even went on holiday togther a couple of montha ago. He is my world but I cant get the nagging feeling out of my head that he might still pine after ex.

I found out although he doesnt know I know..that he made a secret instagram account and has been looking up his exes profile every week since the break up. Looking at her pictures and all her recent postings I presume.
Why? I dont understand,,is this normal? One time it said he logged in to secret account at 1am!
Shall I confront him?

@trisha30

I don't think he wants her back.. He was the one who finished things and came back to me. She found out we were together again and initiated the total blocking but it was him who left her for me first.

Everything you know about his ex and their relationship has come from his mouth. Do you really think he wouldn't be filtering what he told you? Putting a spin on it to show him in a good light and cast her as being in the wrong / needy / an evil witch / not who he wants any more?

They were together for five years - from ages 18 to 23. A messy UNRESOLVED ending which maybe shouldn't have been an ending at all.

I'm going to rewrite the narrative given, because after all, you'll have put it through your filter.

Couple together for five years. Other woman decides she want this bloke, engineers it to make the woman think her DP has been cheating, she unsurprisingly ends it, devastated. Other woman moves in for the kill, man is flattered and does a 'Ross from Friends' (we were on a break!) but even so at first chance to rekindle his relationship he jumps at it. Woman still devastated and wary so the rekindling doesn't hold. Man returns to other woman with tail between legs but, bereft, digitally stalks his now-ex.

Now, obviously I don't know how close/far my fictional rewriting is to the truth, same as I don't know how truthful he is to you or how objective you are being in what you write here. All I can say with any certainty is that this is one big huge MESS, and if you had any sense of self-preservation you'd step back from it. Tell him to go and sort it out with his ex, because right now he is emotionally unavailable to you, unready for another relationship. Maybe they'll get back together, maybe they won't. But as it is, you'll never feel sure of him or his feelings for you. That's a really good way to kill your self-esteem dead, and set yourself up for a miserable life.

So yes, "confront him" - but not confrontationally! Tell him you know about the instagram account he uses to follow her online, tell him you don't think he's over her, and tell him to go and sort it out and only come back to you if and when it's sorted. You do not need or want a relationship based on such poor foundations.

Is not great to go straight from one relationship to another. You need time in between to gain closure and be ready for a new relationship.

Clearly he wasn't sure what he wanted as he left you then went back to his ex.

It doesn't sound like he's ready for a new relationship.

You're his back up plan.

He's only with you because she won't have him.

He’s definitely not over her, regardless of what he says. You don’t get over a 5 year relationship in a matter of weeks or months, especially not your first real one. I’m sorry to say this but your a Pitt stop. He got with you when he was going through a rough time, he keeps going back to you to feel good about himself, but as soon as the opportunity arises he will end it either for her, someone else or because he has decided he needs to be single, he’s spent just entire adulthood in a relationship, at some point he’s going to decide he dosnt want that.

I would personally leave him.

They must have been in a rough patch because he fell for me. He is the perfect boyfriend except for this secret account and looking her up? Could there be an innocent explanation? I do love him but I don't want to be niave.

Ok so here is the deal this boy got to know you while he was with here! I was in a similar situation a long time ago and my response was of that is really the case then sort your shit out and if there's still feelings between us when that happens we'll talk.

Why would you think he wouldn't treat you in exactly the same way?

You only have his version of events you don't know things were that bad and men will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Men will book holidays, go on dates etc even when they don't know where their head is at. My ex let us sign for a years lease on a property and then said he didn't love me any more 2 weeks later.

A fake a account is sneaky. Do you always want to second guess yourself.

You are only 21 set your bar a little higher be with someone who treats you like you are their world!!

Go easy on the OP, people! She's 21 years old and in her first relationship! Remember 21?

My advice would be to not invest so much of yourself into any man. "He is my world" is a red flag that it's not a healthy, balanced relationship. Do you have good female friends you spend at least as much time with as this lad?

When you say he's come back to you (as though either of you can be owned by another person) please say you don't mean he's moved in with you? You're clearly both very immature with extremely poor judgement. If a friend told you this story what would be your advice to them? I can pretty much guarantee it wouldn't be carry on, it would be get rid and stay single for a little while to work out why you got with such a loser.

I'll give him his due. He's done a hell of a number on you in a pretty short space of time. No one uses a secret account to keep tabs on their ex unless they are still interested in them.

Please someone tell me how I can ensure my daughters don't grow up to be this gullible and needy 😣

@Caiti19

Go easy on the OP, people! She's 21 years old and in her first relationship! Remember 21?

My advice would be to not invest so much of yourself into any man. "He is my world" is a red flag that it's not a healthy, balanced relationship. Do you have good female friends you spend at least as much time with as this lad?

Sorry but 21 is old enough to know he's full of shit and not believe someone who keeps flitting between you and his ex loves you just because he says so.

@Caiti19

Go easy on the OP, people! She's 21 years old and in her first relationship! Remember 21?

My advice would be to not invest so much of yourself into any man. "He is my world" is a red flag that it's not a healthy, balanced relationship. Do you have good female friends you spend at least as much time with as this lad?

I didn't get involved with a taken colleague at 21. Or 30. Or 37.

In the nicest way possible... What age are you? Ten?

Go easy on the OP, people! She's 21 years old and in her first relationship! Remember 21?

Yup. I made some fairly big mistakes and definitely chased men who were bad for me but I wasn’t deluded. And no one was ‘my world’.

@SlashBeef you raise them to know their worth and to value themselves and to expect to be treated well. Raise them so they know that they’re 11/10

He sounds like a real catch.....

What's the point in posting this if you aren't going to action any of the advice? You've clearly made your mind up that you're happy to turn a blind eye to your current boyfriend stalking his ex on social media.

He's still interested in her, you can give him credit for whatever you want but he's showing you how he feels about the relationship by not cutting contact with his ex. It sounds like all he's really interested in is monkey barring from one woman to the next, just wait until the next you comes along.

You're too young for this nonsense.

@Merryoldgoat

Actually this is a joke, isn’t it? No one is this stupid, surely?

Yup! Looks like it.

@trisha30,

Two things to bear in mind:

1. Mumsnet will always, always, tell you to dump your partner asap. I don’t know why. I’ve seen a woman on here with no job/money and several dependent children told to end a decade old marriage over a trivial comment 🤔 (I’ve also seen a looooong thread by women about regretting leaving their partners over trivia.)

1. Most people look up their ex-partners on social media at some point, there have been threads on that too and everyone declared it normal behaviour 😬 when women do it. It isn’t healthy, but it doesn’t mean your relationship has no future. It does mean he has some feelings towards ex, but are they feelings of love? Or anger? Or nosiness? Or jealousy? Or habit? I can’t tell you and neither can anyone else on the internet.

What I can tell you is the chances of me taking relationship advice from Mumsnet randoms is zero…

At last @trisha30, someone who agrees with you! But by all means ignore the other 100+ 🤷‍♀️

@Thirtytimesround This might be one situation where I think the advice is good.......... unless you like flip floppy cheaters of course and in which case she should absolutely stay with him!

@Blossomtoes

At last *@trisha30*, someone who agrees with you! But by all means ignore the other 100+ 🤷‍♀️

trisha"30"................."30"timesround..............I smell a rat

@Blossomtoes

At last *@trisha30*, someone who agrees with you! But by all means ignore the other 100+ 🤷‍♀️

Maybe @Thirtytimesround started off as the OW 😂

You're just getting exactly what you deserve imo.

He's regretting his decision, hence checking on his ex.

You know deep down that he isn't as committed to you. And that he'd go back in a heartbeat if he could.

You are very immature. And he sounds like a waste of space.

He cheated on her to be with you. So he will cheat on you to be with... ?

Sorry, but you really need grow up a bit.

You're being played for a fool, op. He will be back with his ex at the first opportunity. Time to wake-up and grow up.

@Thirtytimesround it's not because he looked up his ex online people are saying to leave him, it's because by the sounds of it he is cheating, lying arse who is in love with another woman. OP deserves a lot more.